Relationship Mother of Children, Ex Girlfriend Wants to Leave for Good

[Kenjyn]

Okay, we talked a little, against my better judgement. She says specifically that the reason she doesn't want to be with me ever again is that she's afraid I'll kick another table, or act aggressively again. I understand that, and I've understood that. What I don't understand is that she says that the reason she doesn't believe she'll ever get over it is that I haven't ever done anything like that again, and she just feels like now, if we get into an argument, it'll happen again, and she doesn't ever want to put herself in that situation again.

To me, this makes no sense, but I don't want to push her. To me, that seems like exactly a reason to believe that it's something that can be worked past, and won't necessarily happen again.

Has anybody been in a situation like that before, on either side? I know that my course of action hasn't changed, but I'm not sure how she'll ever see my progress, or ever come to trust that it won't happen again if she refuses to put herself in a situation to see? I'm afraid we'll never make progress because she doesn't want to see progress.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You’re not going to be able to talk her through this. Roll up your sleeves and put in the time earning her trust back.

As a supporter I’ve learned trust is haaaaaaaaard won with my sufferer. They barely trust you, and they lose what little trust they have very easily. You lost trust, even if it makes no sense to you. You gotta start over now.

If she only wants to be friends, be her friend. Respect her boundaries. Don’t push. Eventually she may trust you enough to resume the romantic relationship. She may not. That’s a risk you’re gonna have to take.

 

[Kenjyn]

You’re not going to be able to talk her through this. Roll up your sleeves and put in the time earning her trust back.

As a supporter I’ve learned trust is haaaaaaaaard won with my sufferer. They barely trust you, and they lose what little trust they have very easily. You lost trust, even if it makes no sense to you. You gotta start over now.

If she only wants to be friends, be her friend. Respect her boundaries. Don’t push. Eventually she may trust you enough to resume the romantic relationship. She may not. That’s a risk you’re gonna have to take.

Yeah, I realized how fragile her trust can be, and that I can't talk her through these things a long time ago. I think, honestly, that I'm less trying to talk her through it, and more feel like I need talked through it. I understand that I need to respect her boundaries and be the best friend I can be.

I'm trying to do my best to understand. I know I won't necessarily understand entirely, but hearing an outside perspective of somebody who has thought, or dealt with somebody dealing with, a similar train of thought, can help me understand a little better.

 

[Justmehere]

I understand that, and I've understood that. What I don't understand is that she says that the reason she doesn't believe she'll ever get over it is that I haven't ever done anything like that again, and she just feels like now, if we get into an argument, it'll happen again, and she doesn't ever want to put herself in that situation again.

What she *might* be talking about is that it was unpredictable. For me, if I can at least predict it, then it’s easier... hard to explain. I would be nervous getting close if at any moment my saying “no” to anything, especially sexual intimacy, could lead to aggression, especially unpredictable aggression. Is that fair after a mistake like yours? Eh. PTSD isn’t really fair to anyone.

I felt like I should draw a boundary of sorts, and told her that I was being honest about wanting to treat her the way I should have all along, but, to do that, she has to work on being more honest with me, and telling me when she makes decisions. For instance, the whole intimacy issue that started this all, would have been easier had she just told me her decision when she made it. She has a history of telling me about the way she feels only when she feels she absolutely has to, too. I told her that she should try to be better about that, because I can't treat her the way I want to if I don't know what she wants.

This is a decent idea with one caveat: boundaries are about ourselves and managing our limits not trying to change another person. Requests are asking someone else to change. You made a request she change. Another request she change... rather than focus on you and what you do have control over.

A boundary would have been letting her know you are going to give her space and not assume what she wants or has decided and hasn’t told you.

It will be more effective, and trust building, if you work at being as safe of a person that you can be for her to feel like she can talk to you about things she is thinking more often and sooner.

As a sufferer, and this doesn’t no apply to all sufferers, if I am not talking to someone openly it’s because I don’t trust them. They don’t earn my trust by continuing to request I tell them stuff or asking I change a lot. They want my trust by being safe to share in the first place, even inviting no responses and not pushing helps earn that trust. Some of the people I have trusted the most in my life have thanked me, yep, thanked me, when I told them no. They expressed gratitude for knowing my limits. They not only didn’t push, they were glad for clarity. That encouraged me to continue to be open. The more I could say no, and it wasn’t a big deal, the easier it became to say yes.

Right now, she is telling you she doesn’t feel safe. You could ask her what would help her to feel safer with you as a friend, and emphasize the friend part. I know you don’t like it but the more you are clear you will respect that friend boundary the more you show her you’ll be safe and won’t push. She may also have other ideas of things you could do that would help her feel safer with you again. She may not be willing to even go there right now.

Take it super duper slow.

 

[Kenjyn]

What she *might* be talking about is that it was unpredictable. For me, if I can at least predict it, then it’s easier... hard to explain. I would be nervous getting close if at any moment my saying “no” to anything, especially sexual intimacy, could lead to aggression, especially unpredictable aggression. Is that fair after a mistake like yours? Eh. PTSD isn’t really fair to anyone.

This is a decent idea with one caveat: boundaries are about ourselves and managing our limits not trying to change another person. Requests are asking someone else to change. You made a request she change. Another request she change... rather than focus on you and what you do have control over.

A boundary would have been letting her know you are going to give her space and not assume what she wants or has decided and hasn’t told you.

It will be more effective, and trust building, if you work at being as safe of a person that you can be for her to feel like she can talk to you about things she is thinking more often and sooner.

As a sufferer, and this doesn’t no apply to all sufferers, if I am not talking to someone openly it’s because I don’t trust them. They don’t earn my trust by continuing to request I tell them stuff or asking I change a lot. They want my trust by being safe to share in the first place, even inviting no responses and not pushing helps earn that trust. Some of the people I have trusted the most in my life have thanked me, yep, thanked me, when I told them no. They expressed gratitude for knowing my limits. They not only didn’t push, they were glad for clarity. That encouraged me to continue to be open. The more I could say no, and it wasn’t a big deal, the easier it became to say yes.

Right now, she is telling you she doesn’t feel safe. You could ask her what would help her to feel safer with you as a friend, and emphasize the friend part. I know you don’t like it but the more you are clear you will respect that friend boundary the more you show her you’ll be safe and won’t push. She may also have other ideas of things you could do that would help her feel safer with you again. She may not be willing to even go there right now.

Take it super duper slow.

I knew boundary wasn't the right word, and you're right. A lot of our conflict in the past has been because of a lack of communication when it comes to things she decides, hence the request to her. I can see how me making a request could be perceived as negative, though.

Thank you for the perspective, being afraid that, if we get into a fight about something, it could happen randomly makes sense. The way she put it sounded more like, because it happened once, and not more than that, it was guaranteed to happen, next time we fight, and that's what confused me. It makes a lot more sense if that's the way she sees it.

I really appreciate your perspective on it, it helps me to relate a bit. A lot of my posts here have been born out of wanting to understand better without pushing her too much, and I feel like that gets somewhat lost, and I come off as someone who doesn't listen to what others post, and just repeat the same question. I appreciate the in-depth perspective, and granular advice from people with more experience than me, and it's nice to have answers from both sides, too. Thank you to everybody who has responded, honestly. I don't know where I'd be with her if it weren't for you all, but it would almost assuredly be worse than where I am.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Reframe your request as a personal boundary.

“I can only respect boundaries that are communicated to me. I will not bear responsibility/guilt for things that are not communicated to me.”

That takes her out of the equation and makes you responsible for only yourself. If she continues to blame you for your inability to mind read, that is her problem, not yours.

 

[Kenjyn]

Reframe your request as a personal boundary.

“I can only respect boundaries that are communicated to me. I will not bear responsibility/guilt for things that are not communicated to me.”

That takes her out of the equation and makes you responsible for only yourself. If she continues to blame you for your inability to kind read, that is her problem, not yours.

That's a good thing to keep in mind for the future. She agreed with my request, and seemed to already understand that was a problem. But, if there's anything similar in the future, I'll have to keep that in mind. Reframing things isn't often my strong suit, so I honestly never even thought about that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Being a supporter and learning to deal with PTSD from the outside is a huge learning curve. Huge. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you’re just the designated asshole.

I’ve learned a lot about my own behaviors, patience, maturity, and communication. You can’t just focus on your partner and their PTSD. You have to do a lot of work on yourself.

 

[Kenjyn]

Being a supporter and learning to deal with PTSD from the outside is a huge learning curve. Huge. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you’re just the designated asshole.

I’ve learned a lot about my own behaviors, patience, maturity, and communication. You can’t just focus on your partner and their PTSD. You have to do a lot of work on yourself.

Yeah, I'm definitely not the same person I was when she and I got together. I do want to grow myself. I want to make sure that it's in a positive way that won't make things worse with her, and hopefully be able to make things better. Obviously I need to get better in order to not hurt her like this again, and not lose my temper like I had. There are a lot of things I have to do for myself, too

 

[Sweetpea76]

And you can’t tiptoe around her triggers, “doing something wrong” or what may upset her... ‘cause guess what? It’s impossible.

Known triggers... yes. Absolutely be aware of those. But for every one you know, there may be 100 you don’t. You’re gonna upset her. There is no way around that. You cannot “do everything right” because that shit changes minute to minute. Some days she may hate your guts for the way you breathe. That’s all *her* and not *you*. Unless you know a trigger and are doing it on purpose, you are not “triggering her”. She is being triggered. That’s her.

What you do is learn and adjust. Ok... now you have learned some lessons. It’s human to get mad and lose your temper. However she cannot deal with the expressions of that. So now adjust. Walk away when you’re angry and calm down. Go kick shit in the backyard next time. Go for a drive and cuss a blue streak. Do whatever, but do it away from her. You’re allowed to get angry, but if you want to be with her you have to check the response to your anger.

Sex issues suck. My sufferer is a male combat vet, but we still have times when his drive bottoms out. It’s particularly frustrating because we usually have a very active sex life. When he’s in that place, he’s in that place, and I just have to suck it up. It’s hard not to take it personally sometimes, or feel unattractive, etc. I just had to learn that “it is what it is” and if I want to be with him this comes with the territory.

 

[Kenjyn]

And you can’t tiptoe around her triggers, “doing something wrong” or what may upset her... ‘cause guess what? It’s impossible.

Known triggers... yes. Absolutely be aware of those. But for every one you know, there may be 100 you don’t. You’re gonna upset her. There is no way around that. You cannot “do everything right” because that shit changes minute to minute. Some days she may hate your guts for the way you breathe. That’s all *her* and not *you*. Unless you know a trigger and are doing it on purpose, you are not “triggering her”. She is being triggered. That’s her.

What you do is learn and adjust. Ok... now you have learned some lessons. It’s human to get mad and lose your temper. However she cannot deal with the expressions of that. So now adjust. Walk away when you’re angry and calm down. Go kick shit in the backyard next time. Go for a drive and cuss a blue streak. Do whatever, but do it away from her. You’re allowed to get angry, but if you want to be with her you have to check the response to your anger.

Sex issues suck. My sufferer is a male combat vet, but we still have times when his drive bottoms out. It’s particularly frustrating because we usually have a very active sex life. When he’s in that place, he’s in that place, and I just have to suck it up. It’s hard not to take it personally sometimes, or feel unattractive, etc. I just had to learn that “it is what it is” and if I want to be with him this comes with the territory.

Yeah, those are mindset changes that I have to go BACK to, I used to not take things personally and knew that it wasn't my fault, but over time, I've started to feel like everything is my fault, and that causes issues all over the place. I honestly have no problem with us not having sex, that's fine. I just have to know that she doesn't want to, or I feel like I've been trying to pressure her into something, even though that wasn't my intention. That's where my issue with her not telling me when she makes a decision like that comes in. I start to feel like a piece of crap who's trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

Thank you for the tips! I'm here for any more you have, of course. Anything and everything helps.

 

[Sweetpea76]

When my vet is having sexual issues, I let him instigate. He knows I’m doing that too, because I tell him. “I know you’re not feeling it now, so I’ll back off. When you’re interested again, it’s all good”. I’ve found that helps with the rejection and being made to feel like some kind of unreasonable sex maniac.

His lack of drive doesn’t make my drive wrong.