Strugglingsaks
Bronze Member
So this is the story of my night..... i havent slept in 6 days and last night i finally had enough! After a minor altercation with my partner over a text i had a major flashback.
the flashback occured because i have told him several times not to suddenly leave our convos as it is a huge trigger for me when he just leaves without any prior warning that he is leaving at that moment. Not fair i guess but i cant decide my own triggers so naturally i panic and flashback to my past and i start to hyperventilate and cry and lie down in a corner of the floor for 20 minutes thinking my life is going to end. He left angry and i could not bring myself to text him to even say goodnight or goodmorning the next day. Having a history of drug abuse i try my best to stay off pretty much anything but because i used in the past i still find baggies of drugs hidden all over my stuff. I took a xanax to calm down (benzos were not part of my drug issues) and then found a baggie inbetweeen the carton of my foundation in my makeup bag. The xanax had not yet kicked in so i was staring at the baggie of white snowy powder (ehem) and sat there staring for what seemed like an eternity but was probably 10-15minutes. the past year any time i found something i got rid of it but last night i just didn't. Instead I opened the bag and laid the contents out on my grandfathers office desk and in a sweep I inhaled. once the effects wore off after about 40 minutes I took another Xanax and I fell asleep. today is the next morning and I have not been as depressed as I am today in about 4 months. So now I need help because I do not know if it was the lack of sleep or if it was the trigger or something else that made me relapse after being sober for over a year. i feel like an absolute failure and an idiot for doing this to myself. Now all i can think is that i want more. im in a terrible terrible mood and i want to self harm or just go away. i hate myself so much today.
the flashback occured because i have told him several times not to suddenly leave our convos as it is a huge trigger for me when he just leaves without any prior warning that he is leaving at that moment. Not fair i guess but i cant decide my own triggers so naturally i panic and flashback to my past and i start to hyperventilate and cry and lie down in a corner of the floor for 20 minutes thinking my life is going to end. He left angry and i could not bring myself to text him to even say goodnight or goodmorning the next day. Having a history of drug abuse i try my best to stay off pretty much anything but because i used in the past i still find baggies of drugs hidden all over my stuff. I took a xanax to calm down (benzos were not part of my drug issues) and then found a baggie inbetweeen the carton of my foundation in my makeup bag. The xanax had not yet kicked in so i was staring at the baggie of white snowy powder (ehem) and sat there staring for what seemed like an eternity but was probably 10-15minutes. the past year any time i found something i got rid of it but last night i just didn't. Instead I opened the bag and laid the contents out on my grandfathers office desk and in a sweep I inhaled. once the effects wore off after about 40 minutes I took another Xanax and I fell asleep. today is the next morning and I have not been as depressed as I am today in about 4 months. So now I need help because I do not know if it was the lack of sleep or if it was the trigger or something else that made me relapse after being sober for over a year. i feel like an absolute failure and an idiot for doing this to myself. Now all i can think is that i want more. im in a terrible terrible mood and i want to self harm or just go away. i hate myself so much today.
