Dad did it... please help me

[Smile]

I always “knew” that something had happened to me when I was a child. Always felt I was molested. Ive seen quite a few T’s because I have panic disorder (more recently, about 6 years ago, diagnosed with PTSD) and I’ve asked them all if they can tell me if I was molested, after presenting them with all the facts. But not one T would say for certain. They’d say things like “it’s possible but you don’t have a clear memory of it” or “it’s probably just a series of small traum

as”. None of these felt like the truth to me and it was SO frustrating. They’re reactions/responses made me feel like I was being a drama queen & making stuff up for attention. Which is something I absolutely HATE because my mother is like that. Being all passive aggressive just to get the reaction that she’s really a hero.

But recently I started seeing a psychiatrist who also has a therapist in his office. I could never afford his prices but luckily he accepts Medicare, which I have so for what feels like the first time in my life, I’m being seen by the best doctors who confer, discuss my situation and the psychiatrist is actually AGAINST medication! I feel like I’ve hit a gold mine!
So a few weeks ago the T told me that she’s 100% sure that I was sexually molested. Although it felt dirty, I also felt extremely validated. Finally someone who believes me and sees the signs. She told me, in no uncertain terms, that I am a poster child for PTSD.

In our last session which was 2 weeks ago, I shared more of my life with her (I’ve only had had about 5 sessions so far) & she told me that it’s highly probable that it was my father that did this to me.
Wow. Of all the men in my life, I didn’t want it to be him. We weren’t close, I ignored him for most of my life until he died 12 years ago. But still, he’s my father.

I don’t know what to do with this. I’ve definitely separated my emotions from it (dissociated perhaps?) because when I discuss it with the few people I have entrusted, I don’t feel any emotions. Which I’m glad for because I think it would look quite ugly if I felt it all. As it is I’ve started drinking again (I was an alcoholic about 15 years ago for around 5-7 years). I’m not drinking as heavily as I used to but every time thoughts about this pop into my head... I drink.

He’s dead so I can’t confront him. My mom has a heart condition so I ask tell her and see her reaction... if maybe she knows something. I’ve asked her twice in the past, when I was scouring my brain for who it could of been, if she thought it could of been my father, her husband. Both times she said no but... she’s not emotionally/mentally stable or healthy herself & I always feel like she’s keeping something from me. Either consciously or subconsciously because she’s veeery good at making believe bad things never happened.

Even as I write this, I’m not actually FEELING it. Just writing from the logical part of my brain. Telling a story about someone else. Because this is so cliche.

My question is what do I do with this? I know it’s possible that in my next T session we can decide it was someone else but for now I have this. And aside from ignore it, I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t cried, haven’t gotten angry with him because, well it’s not real to me. The only that’s changed is all my anxiety, ocd, unhealthy stuff has gotten worse.

Anyone else been in a similar situation that can give me some... ANY advice? I think maybe I’m looking for a way to make this real to me. So that I can feel & get on with things. On the other hand, I’m petrified that when my emotional side catches up with this info, I’ll go mad. Lose the last shreds of my sanity.

So I know I sound conflicted. And I’m not sure I’m being clear (hope I am). But if any of you get this, please help.



Thanks :)

 

[Sideways]

I don’t know what to do with this

Honestly? I’d report your T to the professional body that regulates them where you are.

Because by planting that idea in your brain? You now have almost zero chance of your brain arriving at its own accurate memory of what happened, and who the perpetrator was.

So sorry your T did that in an attempt to validate you. Your recovery process just got a shittonne harder than it needed to be.

 

[Gs172003]

Honestly? I’d report your T to the professional body that regulates them where you are.

Because by planting that idea in your brain? You now have almost zero chance of your brain arriving at its own accurate memory of what happened, and who the perpetrator was.

So sorry your T did that in an attempt to validate you. Your recovery process just got a shittonne harder than it needed to be.

^this.

I came here just to say this.
.
What your therapist did was morally and ethically wrong. They have no idea who if anybody did anything to you and to point fingers at your dad with no true evidence is absolutely unprofessional at best.

 

[Sideways]

What your therapist did was morally and ethically wrong.

I’m quite sure it’s professional malpractice where I am as well.

 

[Gs172003]

I’m quite sure it’s professional malpractice where I am as well.

I can't say but if it isn't it should be.

 

[frogthroat]

I think a good way to ground yourself is asking yourself really and truly "If you can't remember your dad molesting you how do you know he did?"
Trauma is so strange. Some people don't remember who hurt them at all or how many people hurt them or what happened exactly. Traumatic memory is tricky.
The thing is it's not important who did it it's healing the behavioral and physiological issues left over. You don't have to remember every detail to get better.
I do agree with previous posters that what your T did was wrong and unprofessional.

 

[Smile]

I’m shocked. Rendered speechless. I did NOT expect this response fro you guys.

Before you say this with utter certainty, let me just tell you that she based it on little snippets I told her about my dad. I think the clincher was one of the most vivid nightmares I ever had of being molested and he was the molester in the dream. By vivid I mean I remember what I was wearing down to the exact socks design and the room, the type of windows, it was raining, etc. the only hazy part is what exactly he did to me.

Like I originally mentioned, I decided to totally ignore him at age 14 & the reason I gave to myself and everyone else was that I was doing it in protest of the way he treated my mom. But I have 7 siblings and none of them did that to him. And they were just as angry as I was about the way he treated her.

Does that change your response? I’m asking honestly because if I take what you’ve said seriously than, at the least, I need to stop seeing her.

This is SO mind bending confusing! Too many maybes, no certainties.

BUT I’m touched that you all stood up for me so vehemently. I’m trusting that you’ve been through this longer than I have and have more knowledge on this so I take what you say very seriously. In other words, thank you

 

[Gs172003]

I’m shocked. Rendered speechless. I did NOT expect this response fro you guys.

Before you say this with utter certainty, let me just tell you that she based it on little snippets I told her about my dad. I think the clincher was one of the most vivid nightmares I ever had of being molested and he was the molester in the dream. By vivid I mean I remember what I was wearing down to the exact socks design and the room, the type of windows, it was raining, etc. the only hazy part is what exactly he did to me.

Like I originally mentioned, I decided to totally ignore him at age 14 & the reason I gave to myself and everyone else was that I was doing it in protest of the way he treated my mom. But I have 7 siblings and none of them did that to him. And they were just as angry as I was about the way he treated her.

Does that change your response? I’m asking honestly because if I take what you’ve said seriously than, at the least, I need to stop seeing her.

This is SO mind bending confusing! Too many maybes, no certainties.

BUT I’m touched that you all stood up for me so vehemently. I’m trusting that you’ve been through this longer than I have and have more knowledge on this so I take what you say very seriously. In other words, thank you

I had a dream last night that there were cages of snakes in a grocery store and one of the zoo keepers and his wife were there and the keeper said he was on vacation. When I woke up I realized it was a jumble of things I had seen throughout the day. My point is, just because you dreamt it doesn't make it true and your therapist should know that. Please. Find a new therapist.

 

[Smile]

I had a dream last night that there were cages of snakes in a grocery store and one of the zoo keepers and his wife were there and the keeper said he was on vacation. When I woke up I realized it was a jumble of things I had seen throughout the day. My point is, just because you dreamt it doesn't make it true and your therapist should know that. Please. Find a new therapist.

Oh god, this is so hard. She was the first T I ever had who told me in no uncertain terms that I had been molested. I felt like I was on the road to recovery. And now I have to start all over? With all this “maybe” info??? This is so hard!

I can’t believe this is happening

 

[Gs172003]

Oh god, this is so hard. She was the first T I ever had who told me in no uncertain terms that I had been molested. I felt like I was on the road to recovery. And now I have to start all over? With all this “maybe” info??? This is so hard!

I can’t believe this is happening

I'm sorry. I really am.

But.....it's better to start over and do it right than to stick with this one and make things harder than they have to be.

 

[Sideways]

This is SO mind bending confusing! Too many maybes, no certainties.

I’m sorry. I really am.

I have a whole stack of unknowns still hanging over my earliest CSA. I felt for a long time that I needed to know in order to heal, and I had a right to know.

And absolutely there were times that I just wanted answers from my T, like, “Just tell me”.

The only people that can tell you what happened? Were the people who were actually there. Anything else is pure speculation. There are lots of “red flags” that can suggest abuse, but short of something like a hospital or police report from the time it happened? All of those red flags - tbh honest a lot of them are surprisingly common, or indicative of any number of complicated childhood issues.

To plant an idea? Any kind of seed of “this is what happened...”? Is incredibly counter productive. Your brain now has a solution, and it our brains are brilliant at filling in blanks with best-guesses, which is too often where seeds like that go. And from personal experience? It’s pretty much impossible to tell what are genuine memories and what aren’t once a T has planted that seed.

For me? I think the position you’re in right now? I’d be feeling scared shitless, and furious, and incredibly confused. So again, so sorry your T has put you in this position. It’s years down the track and I’m still no closer to knowing if the ‘seed’ my T planted, and the ‘memories’ that sprung from that (and he was trying genuinely to be helpful and validating) are real. I doubt, now, that I will ever know.

ETA Checking my diary, it was 2016 when I accused my dad of being the perp. I’m with a completely different treatment team now, and still adjusting to “I don’t know what happened, or who was involved”. For a long time, I believed it was my dad, and I then stumbled across “flashbacks” and “memories” to back it all up, and had serious issues with my dad for a long time.

I joined a therapy team that had a lot of experience with this stuff, and helped me remove that pressure to know for sure. Not knowing for sure? Is so much better than a false accusation. I’ve somewhat repaired the relationship with my dad. Because I’m really not sure it was him. One of my T’s was pretty convinced, asked me if it ‘could have been’, and that’s all it took for my brain to insert his face into previously benign images, turn those images into seconds, interactions, feelings, subconscious reactions to ‘traumatic reminders’.

I don’t know for sure - who it was, or what happened. I probably never will, not now that idea was planted. My brain will never be given the opportunity to find its own way, in its own time, to the truth.

As frustrating as that is? I’d rather sit with the discomfort of not knowing, than falsely accuse someone simply because it makes sense and gives me some kind resolution and validation. My suffering? Is valid, regardless of who or what caused it, or if there is any cause at all.

Your suffering? Is valid too. You don’t need to have been molested for your suffering to be valid. You don’t need have been molested by your father just because of statistics or ‘red flags’ or what your T sees in his office most often. Not knowing? Is uncomfortable. But it doesn’t make your suffering any less valid.

 

[Cypress]

The thing is it's not important who did it it's healing the behavioral and physiological issues left over. You don't have to remember every detail to get better

This. Your T should be helping you move from whodunit to confronting the feelings and beliefs that make life hard today. Learning to tolerate the ambiguity is part of this.

I agree with everyone else. Find a new therapist. This on may have good intentions but is hurting your recovery.