Relationship PTSD first time triggered

[Songbirdhero]

Been there, done that, hard to do, I agree. Just speaking from experience combined with a bit of age. Distraction is pretty powerful, good friends and activities while away the time and broaden our horizons no matter what relationships we are in, and creates a safety net and a life in case situations do not match what we wanted or expected would happen.

The waiting can feel unbearable. He may very well reach out, I am not saying he will not. Also not saying you shouldn’t reach out in a non-mushy way as you have with the text. Be comfortable with your choices. I would encourage you to do things for yourself in the mean time. Your angst will thank you.

Thanks for your advise and input. I am definitely going about my life and living it for me. I'd love to be there for him but he's not ready yet. I haven't given up hope that he'll return. I'm not ready to give up just yet.

 

[Songbirdhero]

I haven't heard from him for almost 3 weeks and this gets harder everyday not easier. I know he's working on things he needs to work on for himself but it hurts not knowing how he's doing for so long. Question, do you tend to lose a sense of time when going through this? I can count the days from when we spoke last but I'm wondering if he even knows how long it's been.
I am trying to only send a short text once a week but I wish I'd get some sort of a response. I keep telling myself this is temporary but it's mentally exhausting on my end as well, not knowing when I will hear from him. I am guessing since this is his first time going through this, he's concentrating on himself and I totally get that. But a part of me feels selfish bc the pain of not hearing for weeks is wearing on me. I know I am horrible and that what he's going through is so much worse but it hurts watching from afar and not being able to talk to him or see him to help.
I told him I still care and I'm not giving up. So at least he knows I'm here for him. I'm hoping that in the back of his mind it helps knowing I haven't given up and walked away.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Question, do you tend to lose a sense of time when going through this? I can count the days from when we spoke last but I'm wondering if he even knows how long it's been.

This sounded like a question to a sufferer so I'm gonna answer. Depends. If I am working, don't usually loose what day it is but often loose the date. If I am on like a vacation or for some reason not working, hours can go by without me realizing it. Do I loose days or loose what day it is? For a moment until I check what day it is on my phone. Do I loose weeks? Yes, often. Often thinking that the end of May was just last week when its the beginning of Aug. But thats just for a breif moment. I do loose weeks somehow but my brain catches up. Things start to sneak up on me. Like say I am waiting for 6 months to pass. Those 6 months will sneak up on me fast and suprise me. I have to mark everything on my phone calendar or I will forgot both what the date is and what I have going on. So, I guess thats a yes, in a way.

But, that's just me.

I know I am horrible and that what he's going through is so much worse but it hurts watching from afar and not b

Stop doing that. Invailidating your own pain. He maybe going through a lot, maybe worse, I dunno. But you are in pain and that matters! A lot!

 

[Songbirdhero]

This sounded like a question to a sufferer so I'm gonna answer. Depends. If I am working, don't usually loose what day it is but often loose the date. If I am on like a vacation or for some reason not working, hours can go by without me realizing it. Do I loose days or loose what day it is? For a moment until I check what day it is on my phone. Do I loose weeks? Yes, often. Often thinking that the end of May was just last week when its the beginning of Aug. But thats just for a breif moment. I do loose weeks somehow but my brain catches up. Things start to sneak up on me. Like say I am waiting for 6 months to pass. Those 6 months will sneak up on me fast and suprise me. I have to mark everything on my phone calendar or I will forgot both what the date is and what I have going on. So, I guess thats a yes, in a way.

But, that's just me.




Stop doing that. Invailidating your own pain. He maybe going through a lot, maybe worse, I dunno. But you are in pain and that matters! A lot!

Thanks for your input! Yes that was a question for the sufferers and I was just curious. I know even for myself a week can go by and I'm like, where did the time go and I didn't do much of anything it seems like. So I wasn't sure if when your mind is full from stress and being triggered if it's possible to just really lose a sense of time. Where as I feel tortured bc I know it's been 3 weeks and this is the longest we've gone without talking in months.
I'm still not ready to give up and try to get over him like he's not coming back. I know in my heart I'll hear from him eventually, but its horrible waiting for so long and wondering everyday if this will be the day he will feel good enough to talk to me.

 

[Songbirdhero]

My one cynical "friend" who I tried to talk to about all of this just told me he's making the whole thing up and lied to me so he could blow me off. I really don't get how people can be so heartless. I guess not being in my situation and hearing him talk, this friend has no idea. She may be the person to go next out of my life. I can't handle any more negativity and I thought friends are supposed to support each other. The idea that he's lying about what he's been through just pisses me off so I'm about done.

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

My one cynical "friend" who I tried to talk to about all of this just told me he's making the whole thing up and lied to me so he could blow me off. I really don't get how people can be so heartless. I guess not being in my situation and hearing him talk, this friend has no idea. She may be the person to go next out of my life. I can't handle any more negativity and I thought friends are supposed to support each other. The idea that he's lying about what he's been through just pisses me off so I'm about done.

I’m not sure if you were venting or if you wanted some insight but this is so familiar to me. Before throwing away your friendship I encourage you to think about if she’s a good friend in totality. If I threw away my friend based on the advice they would give me on my guy I wouldn’t have any left. Sometimes we can’t talk to everyone about everything. Also remember people give advice based on their experiences. If she’s never been through something like this she’s giving an opinion that’s not grounded in facts. Furthermore keep in mind our friends and family members love us and they don’t want to see us hurt. She may be trying to protect you based on her own fears and perceptions. Maybe she’s just not someone you can talk to about this and that’s ok too.

 

[Songbirdhero]

I’m not sure if you were venting or if you wanted some insight but this is so familiar to me. Before throwing away your friendship I encourage you to think about if she’s a good friend in totality. If I threw away my friend based on the advice they would give me on my guy I wouldn’t have any left. Sometimes we can’t talk to everyone about everything. Also remember people give advice based on their experiences. If she’s never been through something like this she’s giving an opinion that’s not grounded in facts. Furthermore keep in mind our friends and family members love us and they don’t want to see us hurt. She may be trying to protect you based on her own fears and perceptions. Maybe she’s just not someone you can talk to about this and that’s ok too.

I'm not sure what I was looking for but I was definitely venting. Lol. I honestly won't be discussing it with her. She thinks he's that type of guy she can smell a mile away and I'm gullible and he's a huge liar who made it up as an excuse not to talk to me..thats a bit convoluted to me...and I've spoken to him since it first happened. He tried to be himself and said he wasn't ready and I believe him. But when you aren't directly involved and don't know the person or hear them saying all that has happened to them, it's hard to judge. I guess if I didn't care about him and he was just an acquaintance it would be easy to walk away and hey maybe I'll hear or maybe I won't, no worries, but that's not how I feel. It is the most emotionally exhausting waiting game I've played to date, that's for sure. But I'm living and enjoying my life, thinking about him, hoping he's getting the help he needs and is feeling better everyday and that I will hear from him soon. It's all I can do right now.

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

I'm not sure what I was looking for but I was definitely venting. Lol. I honestly won't be discussing it with her. She thinks he's that type of guy she can smell a mile away and I'm gullible and he's a huge liar who made it up as an excuse not to talk to me..thats a bit convoluted to me...and I've spoken to him since it first happened. He tried to be himself and said he wasn't ready and I believe him. But when you aren't directly involved and don't know the person or hear them saying all that has happened to them, it's hard to judge. I guess if I didn't care about him and he was just an acquaintance it would be easy to walk away and hey maybe I'll hear or maybe I won't, no worries, but that's not how I feel. It is the most emotionally exhausting waiting game I've played to date, that's for sure. But I'm living and enjoying my life, thinking about him, hoping he's getting the help he needs and is feeling better everyday and that I will hear from him soon. It's all I can do right now.

Understood. This isn’t easy and definitely not for the faint of heart. Stick to your guns and what you believe. That’s so important. You’ll have good days and not so good days. I think it gets better with time but don’t quote me. Also you’re new to this so be gentle with yourself. I know the above situation all to well so I’m sending you so much love and hugs! I’m glad you found this forum.

 

[Songbirdhero]

I think I need to be talked out of trying to get in touch with him again. It's been 3 weeks, 3 LONG weeks. So many questions in my head...does he just need even more time? Is he just done with me? It's been 2 months or so since he was triggered for the first time and not a word from him in 3 weeks.
I read the post on the main page of this forum about how this can affect relationships and I'm even more confused.
I have all sorts of emotion everyday over this. We used to talk everyday. ? I know when you isolate that means you don't talk but for 2 months?? Maybe this means he's in therapy and concentrating on himself? He knows where I am when he's ready to talk, IF he ever talks to me again, but this is so hard. A short text would go a long way with me right now, just knowing he is doing okay. I cry way too much over this guy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think I need to be talked out of trying to get in touch with him again. It's been 3 weeks, 3 LONG weeks. So many questions in my head...does he just need even more time? Is he just done with me?

Why do you feel you should be talked out of sending a text?

Maybe you need to send a text for you? To almost give yourself permission to move on?

If I had left a loved one out on a line for 3 weeks and got a text, I would reply, either way. I would not be able to let someone just hang for so long without knowing if I am coming back or even if I am alive or not. That would eat me up. That said, 3 weeks can go by without me even realizing it had been that long and a text to remind me would help.

But, that's just me. For me, an emotional text wouldn't go over well so if you are going to send one, I would take all emotions out of it and be as direct to the point as possible. Again, though, I can only speak for myself here.

But, I say do what is best for you. Not for him but for you. Your needs and your mental health and wellbeing should come first to you. Regardless of what anyone else is going through. If that makes sense.

I hope it's ok that I replied to this. I think that you need to give yourself permission to reach out and then, give yourself permission to move on. It is not fair for someone to keep another dangling on a line for 3 weeks without any word. PTSD or not. You know?

 

[Songbirdhero]

Why do you feel you should be talked out of sending a text?

Maybe you need to send a text for you? To almost give yourself permission to move on?

If I had left a loved one out on a line for 3 weeks and got a text, I would reply, either way. I would not be able to let someone just hang for so long without knowing if I am coming back or even if I am alive or not. That would eat me up. That said, 3 weeks can go by without me even realizing it had been that long and a text to remind me would help.

But, that's just me. For me, an emotional text wouldn't go over well so if you are going to send one, I would take all emotions out of it and be as direct to the point as possible. Again, though, I can only speak for myself here.

But, I say do what is best for you. Not for him but for you. Your needs and your mental health and wellbeing should come first to you. Regardless of what anyone else is going through. If that makes sense.

I hope it's ok that I replied to this. I think that you need to give yourself permission to reach out and then, give yourself permission to move on. It is not fair for someone to keep another dangling on a line for 3 weeks without any word. PTSD or not. You know?

I'm interested in what anyone thinks so thanks for responding. I guess it'll hurt more if I reach out again and don't get a response, again. I honestly don't know why this would be any different than any other time I've asked how he was and been met with silence. I try not to overthink it and I told him last week I was still here for him when he's ready. I guess I am telling myself he knows where I am if and when he decides to talk to me but the more time that passes the less chance I feel I have that I'll hear from him. He seemed kind of aggitated when we talked on the phone briefly the last time. It was literally a 2 minute conversation and I didn't get to ask if he wants to still have me check in or just leave him alone so I'm clueless. I think he was still in his solitary place when we spoke because he did sound a bit upset and that isn't like him.

 

[Songbirdhero]

I broke down and sent a message and no response. I guess I'll back off for a few weeks and see what happens. I didn't think when he said he needed time to work on himself he meant for so long. But I guess it's totally possible? I even said if he doesn't want me around to please say so, easy way out, and I'll move on. And nothing. Maybe he's in there somewhere listening and reading my messages, I hope. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. I just wish I could have one conversation so I know what he wants me to do to support him and not make things worse or add to his stress.