Losing access to parts.

[Skywatcher]

I had to be my ANP this weekend. Very much my adult part in delivering my kid to college. It was rough. :-(. Later, with work, my anxiety started hitting an all new high. The underlying issue involved younger parts and my T asked me what I did to comfort them. I told her that I haven’t really been able to access them, lately (any parts). Has this happened to you and how did you handle it?

 

[Wendell_R]

I've had similar experiences when I've had to be an adult for an extended period. I used to think I was really anti-social when I need to go to conferences and then like being by myself and walking a lot in the evenings. Now, I am thinking it is my way of connecting with everyone inside that the outer world doesn't see.

Your experience seems stronger than mine, though. I wonder if your parts will return when the demands on ANP settle down and you have time and space to listen. Work anxiety is a big killer of parts communication (although for me it's a good way for parts to intrude in non-helpful emotional ways). I schedule lunch-time walks by myself, preferably out of sight of other people so my parts are not afraid to surface. I can also help call up my parts by listening to certain songs that some of my parts like, or by looking at certain pictures in my journal book that I associate with each part. My different parts have different bodily affects: how I hold my body can bring up a part sometimes.

I'm sorry that your weekend was so stressful, but proud that you were there for your kids! I hope work stress gets better, too, and you find ways of calming that anxiety.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R thank you. I think that maybe the reality is that when I found out that my T would be gone for two weeks in a row this fall I have been building some sort of protective interior barrier. I don’t think that I’m going about this the right way at all.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I had to be my ANP this weekend. Very much my adult part in delivering my kid to college. It was rough. :-(. Later, with work, my anxiety started hitting an all new high. The underlying issue involved younger parts and my T asked me what I did to comfort them. I told her that I haven’t really been able to access them, lately (any parts). Has this happened to you and how did you handle it?

Only once....when my T did something to blow a hole in our trusting relationship, Yep, they all went away-where before they were close to the surface a lot.....and for a while....I couldn't feel them-kinda like they were in hiding like before. I did some journey work in my head, and was able to make some headway....but the trust issue really set me back.

 

[Sideways]

I don’t think that I’m going about this the right way at all.

Can you expand on this at all?

I get going into a self-preservation/protective mindset before your T goes away. Part of your support system will be absent for a while, so it makes sense to sure up the walls of the fortress and make sure they’re all still solid.

For me, it would depend I think if I was going into a “preserve me” headspace, or a “preserve the team” headspace. If I try and preserve me? Well, that’s pretty much what lead to my brain deciding it would create additional parts - to preserve my concept of “me” (your ANP).

But now that I know I have parts, I can’t just protect “me”, because building a protective wall only around myself presumably means my parts will be on the other side of the protective wall. And connection with them will go. Just like it did when that wall was used to protect me from my trauma.

Does that make sense?

Usually with these issues I start by going back to communication. Maybe asking your parts “How is T being away going to make you feel?” to each part. For those that have stress associated with T leaving, ask the parts that don’t “How can you help relieve that stress?”

There will probably be parts that don’t care at all that your T will be away (parts that therapy doesn’t much relate to), and some that might even be relieved (protective parts that get challenged by therapy).

This might be an occasion where coping skills from those less effected parts, or at least, more interaction from those parts, might be helpful?

 

[Skywatcher]

Can you expand on this at all?

I get going into a self-preservation/protective mindset before your T goes away. Part of your support system will be absent for a while, so it makes sense to sure up the walls of the fortress and make sure they’re all still solid.

For me, it would depend I think if I was going into a “preserve me” headspace, or a “preserve the team” headspace. If I try and preserve me? Well, that’s pretty much what lead to my brain deciding it would create additional parts - to preserve my concept of “me” (your ANP).

But now that I know I have parts, I can’t just protect “me”, because building a protective wall only around myself presumably means my parts will be on the other side of the protective wall. And connection with them will go. Just like it did when that wall was used to protect me from my trauma.

Does that make sense?

Usually with these issues I start by going back to communication. Maybe asking your parts “How is T being away going to make you feel?” to each part. For those that have stress associated with T leaving, ask the parts that don’t “How can you help relieve that stress?”

There will probably be parts that don’t care at all that your T will be away (parts that therapy doesn’t much relate to), and some that might even be relieved (protective parts that get challenged by therapy).

This might be an occasion where coping skills from those less effected parts, or at least, more interaction from those parts, might be helpful?

All of this sounds pretty spot on. Thank you. It’s nice to hear someone normalize what I am experiencing. I
Didn’t realize that my barrier would block my parts. I thought that I was just protecting my emotions from her leaving and it created a massive burst of anxiety. I need to undo this somehow.

 

[Wendell_R]

One of the lessons that I've learned is that when the Adult part tries to control things to protect the Littles, sometimes things go astray and it doesn't work as well as I would like. But that makes sense--if it actually worked, I guess I wouldn't need therapy!!

Last summer I had a bad spell when my therapist went away. After that, T and I planned ahead for her absence. What helped the most was to make some pictures in my journal book for the Littles. One of my pictures is of T playing with the Littles. In another picture, I drew her office, with toys on the floor and a big television in the middle of the office. For the TV screen, I drew a picture of my T with palm trees in the background. I imagined sitting on the floor of her office, talking with her while she was on vacation. Somehow, that gave me the safe place and connection that I needed, while still honoring her need to have a vacation.

 

[Skywatcher]

One of the lessons that I've learned is that when the Adult part tries to control things to protect the Littles, sometimes things go astray and it doesn't work as well as I would like. But that makes sense--if it actually worked, I guess I wouldn't need therapy!!

Last summer I had a bad spell when my therapist went away. After that, T and I planned ahead for her absence. What helped the most was to make some pictures in my journal book for the Littles. One of my pictures is of T playing with the Littles. In another picture, I drew her office, with toys on the floor and a big television in the middle of the office. For the TV screen, I drew a picture of my T with palm trees in the background. I imagined sitting on the floor of her office, talking with her while she was on vacation. Somehow, that gave me the safe place and connection that I needed, while still honoring her need to have a vacation.

I am excited for her. We haven’t missed a single week since Christmas. She works part time, so she has still had time off, but for me appointments have been regular. Pretty sure she was saving up to leave on this big two week trip. She is also leaving in November. She is a fall/winter trip taker. It’s so hard on me and that is what I’m worried about. At least this time I have a much more secure bond with her and I know what she will say in almost every “crisis” I experience. We have already started prepping. I made a long list and then realized it was very age specific stuff, so I labeled it by who needed what. She is able/willing to do most of it. Part of me is worried that she said she will, but will forget and I’ll feel stupid reminding her because it’s stuff my younger parts needed to feel connected. I think that part of my barrier was to convince myself that I don’t need her and that there is no longer any reason to stay in therapy. Then had the whole college thing with my kid and ended up leaning on her quite a bit, but oddly, I leaned on my husband and friend even more. So it is possible that I’m starting to become slightly more independent.

 

[Sharon7788]

About 3 years ago my therapist that my parts were super attached to decided to hire one of my abusers behind my back. We had talked about the abuse in session on Tuesday and that Friday he informed me that she hired him. I completely flipped out and ended up in the hospital. My parts went away and it took 2 years for them to feel safe enough to surface again. Maybe reminding them that she will return will help. For me it was always abandonment issues that I had to confront when I had to miss a session. We found it very helpful for my littles to make crafts and do healthy things while t was on vacation then take them and give them to t. The positive behaviors were treated like her welcome home gift and they were still sad but also excited that she would be proud of them. For example, we went to the park and took pictures to show her. And they drew pictures of things they did to give to her. Maybe she could give them a fun project to do while she is gone?

 

[TruthSeeker]

About the T hiring an abuser.....oh, the word betrayal comes to mind....I have felt this feeling with people I trusted...one a T. The arts and crafts are super healthy...and help me connect a different way emotionally.

 

[hithere]

I'm interested in this thread because I can't really access important parts anymore either. Some things happened and the grief is big. I'm not sure how to access them and what you describe as an "interior barrier" may be what I'm experiencing since I no longer have a therapist. Following this thread.

 

[Ronin]

I'm interested in this thread because I can't really access important parts anymore either.

May be a time to learn their skills and a way of dealing with the world, yourself?

In many ways easier than if learning stuff you learned from other bodied people... because this is your brain, you already *had* those skills.