Relationship The dreaded “I can’t be in a relationship right now” text

[Woundedhealer]

Yep so after a short period of connection and a very emotional Friday night where my guy told me he loved me and unloaded and cried in my arms, I then didn’t hear from him for a week but woke up to “I’m sorry but I just can’t be in a relationship until I fix my life” tex

I just feel numb. Been in this exact spot 3-4 times over the past year. A part of me is like ok, another bump in the road but the other part is like wtf? I know he’s dealing with some pretty heavy stuff in his life. His stressor cup is overflowing, he has much as said he’s barely dealing with life so I understand and I know it’s not about me. It still hurts though. It’s hard to just stand back and watch the man you thought was your forever person suffer , let alone push you away.

So now I still have this love for him but no relationship. I told him I loved him, that would never change but I understand and I hope he finds peace.

The reality is that he really doesn’t have it in him to be in a relationship and if I keep trying to hold on I’m either gonna push him farther away or I’ll just be torturing myself.

I’m just gonna spend the next while focused on me and bettering my life. He really does need to focus on his healing so that maybe one day he can be in a relationship.

I don’t really have any questions, just wanted to unload with people who get it.

I’m sad today

 

[LuckiLee]

Im sorry you're hurting. I really hope he does get the help he needs. Take good care of yourself!

XO

 

[Songbirdhero]

I'm so sorry too. It's not easy being pushed away and it's something I'm still trying to understand, experiencing it myself for the first time right now. Try to keep busy, make some plans for yourself for things that you'll look forward to. I know it's hard, I am having a bad day myself right now trying to make sense of why I've been pushed away.
I hope things work out for you and your guy and that he feels better soon and lets you back in. I know it's not easy.

 

[Woundedhealer]

Im sorry you're hurting. I really hope he does get the help he needs. Take good care of yourself!

XO

Thank you for the support ?

I'm so sorry too. It's not easy being pushed away and it's something I'm still trying to understand, experiencing it myself for the first time right now. Try to keep busy, make some plans for yourself for things that you'll look forward to. I know it's hard, I am having a bad day myself right now trying to make sense of why I've been pushed away.
I hope things work out for you and your guy and that he feels better soon and lets you back in. I know it's not easy.

Awe ... I’m sorry you’re hurting too! Thank you for the support ?

 

[Butterfly64]

Yep so after a short period of connection and a very emotional Friday night where my guy told me he loved me and unloaded and cried in my arms, I then didn’t hear from him for a week but woke up to “I’m sorry but I just can’t be in a relationship until I fix my life” tex

I just feel numb. Been in this exact spot 3-4 times over the past year. A part of me is like ok, another bump in the road but the other part is like wtf? I know he’s dealing with some pretty heavy stuff in his life. His stressor cup is overflowing, he has much as said he’s barely dealing with life so I understand and I know it’s not about me. It still hurts though. It’s hard to just stand back and watch the man you thought was your forever person suffer , let alone push you away.

So now I still have this love for him but no relationship. I told him I loved him, that would never change but I understand and I hope he finds peace.

The reality is that he really doesn’t have it in him to be in a relationship and if I keep trying to hold on I’m either gonna push him farther away or I’ll just be torturing myself.

I’m just gonna spend the next while focused on me and bettering my life. He really does need to focus on his healing so that maybe one day he can be in a relationship.

I don’t really have any questions, just wanted to unload with people who get it.

I’m sad today

So sorry. I have been there for two years...lots of bumps in the road. I decided to walk away in May...not an easy decision, but it had to be done. I hope you will be OK with or without him ?

 

[Justmehere]

:( So sorry it turned out this way. :( You handled in a really classy way.

 

[candor]

I am going through the same. The stronger the connection and the higher my hopes got, the longer the pushing away became. I won't contact him. I don't regret the insights. When he says I can't, it doesn't mean I don't want. It means I can't. I seemed to be a constant reminder of what he couldn't and it hurts to feel that way. I don't want to be the cause of more pain nor do I want to feel this hurt. It has taken me 4 years. I hope you can move on sooner than that. I feel stronger and more at peace with every month of no contact. I found sports that I love help cause I am too tired to think ... I just do what I love.

 

[Butterfly64]

I am going through the same. The stronger the connection and the higher my hopes got, the longer the pushing away became. I won't contact him. I don't regret the insights. When he says I can't, it doesn't mean I don't want. It means I can't. I seemed to be a constant reminder of what he couldn't and it hurts to feel that way. I don't want to be the cause of more pain nor do I want to feel this hurt. It has taken me 4 years. I hope you can move on sooner than that. I feel stronger and more at peace with every month of no contact. I found sports that I love help cause I am too tired to think ... I just do what I love.

Same for me for two years...a lot of pushing and pulling on his part. Walked away three months ago and he is still trying to pull me back, but I am standing my ground. I don’t miss him as much as I used to do, but when he texts me, I get weak for a day or so....and at the same time, I get stronger because it reminds me of all the hurt he put me through and how, I am never going back to that.

 

[candor]

Thank you Butterfly. I have been looking at your story by reading your posts. I resonate so much with what you write and went through. There is something about the push pull behavior that seems to create an unhealthy obsessional addiction to the person being avoidant. In my case, I am letting go of this obsession, of the unanswered questions and my own longing to be with him. I am in awe that we humans can act and react so similar. The words and thoughts are identical. I hope that I can really eliminate those that don't treat me right a little quicker in the future. We can never know if our kindness and generosity is really percieved as such.

 

[Butterfly64]

Thank you Butterfly. I have been looking at your story by reading your posts. I resonate so much with what you write and went through. There is something about the push pull behavior that seems to create an unhealthy obsessional addiction to the person being avoidant. In my case, I am letting go of this obsession, of the unanswered questions and my own longing to be with him. I am in awe that we humans can act and react so similar. The words and thoughts are identical. I hope that I can really eliminate those that don't treat me right a little quicker in the future. We can never know if our kindness and generosity is really percieved as such.

Obsession is the right word. When I think about, what he put me through I remind myself to never go back to that. I spend two years waiting and yearning for him. All men are uninteresting compared to him...the attraction between us was crazy and for now, I am completely closed of for falling in love with another man.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

Thank you Butterfly. I have been looking at your story by reading your posts. I resonate so much with what you write and went through. There is something about the push pull behavior that seems to create an unhealthy obsessional addiction to the person being avoidant. In my case, I am letting go of this obsession, of the unanswered questions and my own longing to be with him. I am in awe that we humans can act and react so similar. The words and thoughts are identical. I hope that I can really eliminate those that don't treat me right a little quicker in the future. We can never know if our kindness and generosity is really percieved as such.

There is actually a name for it.

Trauma bonding.
Let me know if that fits for you.

That was me (Still is? I wonder if it is like any addiction - and it is never really gone completely but at least fades into the background a bit).

 

[Butterfly64]

There is actually a name for it.

Trauma bonding.
Let me know if that fits for you.

That was me (Still is? I wonder if it is like any addiction - and it is never really gone completely but at least fades into the background a bit).

Hmmm....I don’t know if that is why we are so addicted to them. I was actually doing better. Said no repeatedly to getting back together and then I relapsed a couple of weeks ago because he said he was ready to make a decision whether or not he was able to do intimacy in and outside the bedroom. Saw him today (for the first time in two weeks) and he claimed that too much stuff regarding fixing his house had been going on, so he had not had the energy to think about intimacy. That he doesn’t know what he wants. That seeing me and spending time with me takes up way more energy that it does when anybody else. So back to not seeing him again. I will be okay in a couple of days. It really shouldn’t bother me that he is indecisive, but it does. I am pissed of to be honest and kicking myself for having spend energy on him once again...f*cking stupid of me..
How are you doing?