Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Articles like this drive me nuts Married to an ADHD Adult?

I try to get eye contact first and he's huffy about it. I try to create structure. He blows it up.

He's the first person I've known to actually get angry when you practice active listening with them.

I can't do anything about any of that. All I can do is walk away or walk away for good. And even if I do the latter we have a kid together so it won't really be for good.

This stuff is why I don't know whose issues are who's. Like if I am around him and I feel unsafe... Is that because of attachment issues and past trauma or is that because he's unreliable, unpredictable, chaotic, disorganized and I can't trust that he gives me the information that I need to manage my own life and coordinate the family's needs?

I mean... That's not the presentation of a safe adult...

 

[HealingMama]

I am about to go home. I am dreading it. I am walking on eggshells and frustrated and his ADHD makes him totally forget whatever the issue was between us.

I am preemptively stressed and disappointed because I am quite sure the evening is going to be crappy.

However, I am praying that God will bring some grace here, neutralize the enemy, fill all minds and hearts with good things and if I can't be around him in peace then I pray for graciousness to leave without being destructive about it.

I pray to take some time for self care and honor my own needs rather than demanding that others do that. What do I need?

A shower, a yoga detox process, to laugh, to take a break from thinking about problems.

 

[Deanna]

How long have you been married?

 

[HealingMama]

How long have you been married?

Six years in December. If I am leaving, I will be leaving before year 10.

 

[Deanna]

Six years in December. If I am leaving, I will be leaving before year 10.

Okay thanks!

 

[Deanna]

How long did you know each other before you got married?

 

[HealingMama]

How long did you know each other before you got married?

It's very common with ADHD that they hyperfocus during courtship. And then when there is a bigger commitment they seek stimulation elsewhere. Lots of spouses complain it's like a switch flipped as soon as they were married and they became neglected emotionally while managing more than their fair share of household organization, finances, planning etc.

To answer your question, not as long as I should have. I did know him about two years. That hyperfocus was incredibly charming, captivating and seductive, and had I known as soon as we married the empathy and good listening would disappear I wouldn't have agreed. We married for the legal benefits. I didn't really want to get married, but it solved a problem we had at the time.

 

[Deanna]

It's very common with ADHD that they hyperfocus during courtship. And then when there is a bigger commitment they seek stimulation elsewhere. Lots of spouses complain it's like a switch flipped as soon as they were married and they became neglected emotionally while managing more than their fair share of household organization, finances, planning etc.

To answer your question, not as long as I should have. I did know him about two years. That hyperfocus was incredibly charming, captivating and seductive, and had I known as soon as we married the empathy and good listening would disappear I wouldn't have agreed. We married for the legal benefits. I didn't really want to get married, but it solved a problem we had at the time.

Thanks for the honesty. Means a lot. You really didn't want to get married before u did. I just wanted you to recognize that. You didn't listen to your own advise and I'm sorry he changed. Been there, did it 3 times... No ADHD. ( I won't go into it) I am not married as I said, but I have been going with someone for 4 1/2 years. We both have changed in this time frame, together for the best. Both PTSD.

 

[HealingMama]

Thanks for the honesty. Means a lot. You really didn't want to get married before u did. I just wanted you to recognize that. You didn't listen to your own advise and I'm sorry he changed. Been there, did it 3 times... No ADHD. ( I won't go into it) I am not married as I said, but I have been going with someone for 4 1/2 years. We both have changed in this time frame, together for the best. Both PTSD.

I'm glad you found a situation that works better for you. I really feel like marriage is an excuse to slack off for most people. A lifelong commitment offers an incredible growth opportunity to truly self actualize but people just want to do as little as possible. The security should foster movement to grow but instead there's a lot of stagnation because it's so hard to unravel the commitment you made that people take advantage.

My mother was happily married before my dad died. So I didn't get this attitude from home. I just have not heard many stories of people using their bond for good.

 

[TruthSeeker]

(I wanna smash the dishes like the daughter in the Godfather sometimes lol)

This makes me laugh. I did that once as a reaction to my husband's violent temper where he'd smash coffee tables into pieces, put holes in walls, smash his hand through the china cabinet (he only smashed things I purchased)....but dish smashing was a very powerful experience....I think I was dissociated in the moment....but it lost its appeal real quick after I had to clean up all the shards of the many plates I broke.....

 

[HealingMama]

God is good.
All the time.

My prayer is working. He was late starting dinner so the toddler had to eat then immediately go to bed which caused a meltdown. Basically husband didn't manage his time well. Which is to be expected but often causes problems for others.

I didn't go off on him, get ranty or snarky. I stayed calm and he apologized for running late.

Of course it's a bit cold war here nobody trying to communicate but I will take that right now over the alternative. He had his therapy today so maybe he's got some of the stuff I've said for years in his head from another person and can hear it. He seems to be more practically focused for once.

ADHD makes codependency a big risk, and from the outside it looks codependent even when it's actually "healthy" because one person has to manage the other to such an extent.

But I am staying in my own lane, trying to focus on myself and my needs. I need laughter. I have been looking at funny memes. Will try to share some.

Eh, it doesn't want to let me.

 

[Deanna]

people just want to do as little as possible.

They really do and its not just marriage. Some put little as possible to be civil, chores, sex, etc

My mother was happily married before my dad died. So I didn't get this attitude from home. I just have not heard many stories of people using their bond for good.

I changed when I was 30. Did an about face. I became my opposite. ..but that could be the PTSD. I don't know but