What people dont really talk about...

[Gs172003]

its funny cause when i dont drink smoke etc everything becomes so clear and its not a fight anymore of living vs not. the clearness kind of brings up even as kid i never wanted to be here, having clear head makes me realize i dont have to be, i dont have to fight i dont owe anyone anything its my choice. so i guess thats a blessing. my head is no longer indecisive. no one really talks abut what if you have a clear head no drugs etc and still not want to be here. i dont think the alcohol etc makes suicidal stuff worse just based off my experience. didnt drink as kid and behaviors even worse.


actually being a bit sober these days im learning that i dont have to do shit i have always fought etc because its what im supposed to do but with clearer head i realize i dont have to. that i can remove all taboos and societal standards and just do whats best for me.


i understand.

But are you really clear headed though or are you really looking at things through trauma eyes?

 

[AJ45]

But are you really clear headed though or are you really looking at things through trauma eyes?

blah i hate that you asked this but it is an amazing question..brain thinks is there a difference? intellectually i know there is but feeling is same. bu to answer trauma eyes ;/ man i just got a really creepy picture in head of eyes bleeding scenes of the trauma...... thank you for that question.

 

[digger]

my head is no longer indecisive. no one really talks abut what if you have a clear head no drugs etc and still not want to be here.

I don't have any answers, but just wanted to say I hear you on this. There are times when my suicidal thinking feels, and has felt in the past, very much like my clearest thinking. I don't drink or use any drugs other than prescribed medications. How we determine whether it actually clear thinking or not is a really tricky one, but while that's still a question, I think it's worth looking at.

 

[AJ45]

(I was adopted at 5 months)....I always felt like I was missing a story about how I came into being-they never told me about getting adopted. So, to fill in the gap, I drew my birth-the way I would have liked to have been-happy and peaceful. I will never know, records sealed and all. But filling in the information where there was a void, with a positive seems to have quelled that need. I hoped it went down has put that piece into place. My father said when I got pregnant with my daughter that he wished he could have had his own...he'd poured a few beers back. I was pregnant, hormonal, and walked away crying.....sometimes people say some stuff without thinking....I took it as I wasn't good enough.....he may have only wished he could have had the birthing experience....anyway, I'm moving forward with the "want to belong" stuff......I will always want to belong somewhere...we need community and human contact....I'm just finding "alternate folks who seem kind, trustworthy, and are relatively happy, and hang with them." Look for the positive, find it, as it gives the past less power......time really is helping.

when it comes to other folks how does one be around people when there is so much turmoil inside and dont want people to know. also even as kid ive never really been able to be around people. but on occasion there is a kind loving person that i can be around, its hard to find those people and trust, especially when i dont trust brain doesnt trust. being around people makes me so anxious i get sweaty dizzy sick feeling

I don't have any answers, but just wanted to say I hear you on this. There are times when my suicidal thinking feels, and has felt in the past, very much like my clearest thinking. I don't drink or use any drugs other than prescribed medications. How we determine whether it actually clear thinking or not is a really tricky one.

agreed. how do you deal?

 

[Tinyflame]

How we determine whether it actually clear thinking or not is a really tricky one, but while that's still a question, I think it's worth looking at.

I think this is very true. Plus including context; perspective; focus.

 

[digger]

how do you deal?

Hmm...million dollar question! A difficult one to answer as I've not really managed to get myself out of the SI well for the best part of a year now. Usually I get some breaks in it, even though it's been there to some degree on and off since childhood.

I think that while I'm still questioning the clarity of my thought process (even though it feels very clear) I guess I make myself give myself that bit longer to question that some more, or see if it shifts at all or becomes less black and white.

I also try and talk it through with my therapist and/or GP, use them as a sounding board or touchstone. Talk it through here, like you are doing - you're here, you're listening, you're looking at people's questions - that to me says that something in there is something in you that is still chewing things over and isn't quite as settled on things as some of your thoughts would have you believe.

 

[digger]

@AJ45 I can't remember if I've asked you before if you have a therapist, or have had the opportunity for therapy - I don't mean crisis type treatment, but the chance to sit down with someone and look at things when you're not viewed as 'in crisis'?

 

[AJ45]

@AJ45 I can't remember if I've asked you before if you have a therapist, or have had the opportunity for therapy - I don't mean crisis type treatment, but the chance to sit down with someone and look at things when you're not viewed as 'in crisis'?

yes it doesnt go very well i dont communicate well, the anxiety makes me so sick i feel like passing out. i dont connect well with people there was one person that was super helpful she was a rape advocate through school/ local center but she stopped being an advocate and were arent in touch anymore and it is so triggering i know its supposed to happen but im already in overdrive

 

[TruthSeeker]

I ended up a couple years ago in seclusion, in by bedroom, with a shot gun to provide me with immediate protection.....in my new home. I was being actively intimidated....so, chemistry had to quell and intimidation stop before I could start to think about community-getting out with folks.....felt scary....and I'd dissociate. I retired from teaching.....work was no better as I had a bully there.
When there appeared no more real threats, I started with doing things where I'd have a lot of control.

I started getting out and being alone. I'd go to the park or a museum and take photos, or go hiking. I also took a drawing class, because I wanted to draw better. I'd dissociate in art class, but it gave me practice on keeping one foot in reality and the other in my art world. Going back was desensitizing and helping me get control of the auto-dissociation that would enivitably start when there was more than one person in the room.

I talked with the instructor and let her know that I was "shy" and a bit anxious, so she worked with me and gave me more space.
I took a water aerobics class.....I could do that in my own space.....no talking to others....but each time I went, a little piece of the wall came down. Mindful practices helped. Then I volunteered to teach a new person, I knew how to do....play an instrument...and now we walk before our once a week lesson.

I was able to reintegrate with people doing something I was either already good at (no stress) or something I wanted to learn (stress, but the kind I needed to overcome to be good at something.) So, find something you enjoy doing, or would like to learn, and create an opportunity for yourself to do it regularly.....weekly. Hobbies are great self-esteem builders and they teach you that you have talents. In learning new things, I had something other than trauma to talk about.....something positive. Many people connect with others through a similar interest.

What things do you like to do, what are your talents, if you could learn one thing what would you study? Why?

 

[AJ45]

I ended up a couple years ago in seclusion, in by bedroom, with a shot gun to provide me with immediate protection.....in my new home. I was being actively intimidated....so, chemistry had to quell and intimidation stop before I could start to think about community-getting out with folks.....felt scary....and I'd dissociate. I retired from teaching.....work was no better as I had a bully there.
When there appeared no more real threats, I started with doing things where I'd have a lot of control.

I started getting out and being alone. I'd go to the park or a museum and take photos, or go hiking. I also took a drawing class, because I wanted to draw better. I'd dissociate in art class, but it gave me practice on keeping one foot in reality and the other in my art world. Going back was desensitizing and helping me get control of the auto-dissociation that would enivitably start when there was more than one person in the room.

I talked with the instructor and let her know that I was "shy" and a bit anxious, so she worked with me and gave me more space.
I took a water aerobics class.....I could do that in my own space.....no talking to others....but each time I went, a little piece of the wall came down. Mindful practices helped. Then I volunteered to teach a new person, I knew how to do....play an instrument...and now we walk before our once a week lesson.

I was able to reintegrate with people doing something I was either already good at (no stress) or something I wanted to learn (stress, but the kind I needed to overcome to be good at something.) So, find something you enjoy doing, or would like to learn, and create an opportunity for yourself to do it regularly.....weekly. Hobbies are great self-esteem builders and they teach you that you have talents. In learning new things, I had something other than trauma to talk about.....something positive. Many people connect with others through a similar interest.

What things do you like to do, what are your talents, if you could learn one thing what would you study? Why?

I'd focus on coding/ software engineer if brain worked properly. Have BS in computer science havent been able to use it :/ which makes me feel even worse.

But i def understand what your saying and very much admire what you have done and proud of you. I mean everyone on here is amazing in dumb founded with so much sorrow in world events how awesome people are on here.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I was a teacher....and as I choose to see it....my "teacher part" which created all different types of materials and I'd post online for a business stopped working....and I couldn't create.....couldn't focus....and that being a huge piece of me made me feel awful. So, I switched to doing something different that was fun......and that gave me confidence....two years later-just three weeks ago, I'm back at writing instructional materials.....so.....take time to do fun things....and when the time is right, and that part of you is ready....it will happen.....you didn't lose the skill.....I see it as a part that can't communicate right now.? I also lost my voice and couldn't sing for years.....I sing when I'm feeling more happy....that has come back.........?

 

[AJ45]

I was a teacher....and as I choose to see it....my "teacher part" which created all different types of materials and I'd post online for a business stopped working....and I couldn't create.....couldn't focus....and that being a huge piece of me made me feel awful. So, I switched to doing something different that was fun......and that gave me confidence....two years later-just three weeks ago, I'm back at writing instructional materials.....so.....take time to do fun things....and when the time is right, and that part of you is ready....it will happen.....you didn't lose the skill.....I see it as a part that can't communicate right now.? I also lost my voice and couldn't sing for years.....I sing when I'm feeling more happy....that has come back.........?

Your awesome congrats very proud of you. its confusing part of me is barely hanging on hence trying to reach out, other part is done and my actions show. came across a interesting poem why am i alive . its like as rape advocate put it instinct is too live, but unfortunately its very much dwindled down, and i struggle to have that instinct