Sufferer Help - Still In Love With Abuser

[Live2love]

I was in a very abusive marriage for 10 years. During the time I thought I had Lyme disease and the worst thing between our marriage was him having multiple affairs putting his hands on me cussing me out ect.. but I was wrong. He was drugging me and poisoning me throughout the last ten years. So what I thought was me being very sick, dumb, and completely losing my mind was not me having Lyme disease, it was my own husband poisoning me the whole time. Now during this time My ex husband was telling all of my friends and family that I was on drugs and kept telling them how crazy I am and recording me after him saying the worst things he could possible say physically hurt me and would record me during the aftermath of his abuse to prove that I was “crazy”. I desperately tried to tell my family and friends otherwise but what I didn’t know at the time that i was actually on drugs I just was not aware bc my husband apparently was slipping poison/drugs into my food and drinks. Doc has diagnosed me with PTSD. I have a one year old daughter wit my ex husband and now my family believes me that I was never “on drugs” at least not willingly or knowingly doing drugs bc when I finally left (it took him planting a bomb on me & shooting a gun at me— you get the drift.. very scary stuff I lived thru to finally scare me enough to not go back which I have done so many times in the past. The crazy thing is it’s been a year since I left, I know he has hurt me beyond what I can even imagine but yet I’m still in love with him. I miss him. I hate this feeling of being in love with someone that has hurt you so bad. But the love for my daughter out weighs this love but it is still a struggle and an every day battle. The police told me and family to relocate for the sake of our own life since my ex husband is that dangerous and his friends are very dangerous too. He pays off people to cover up his dirty deeds and as far as I know is still getting away with it to this day. He went through my phone when we were still together and paid my so thought best friends large amounts of cash to “keep tabs on me” he was paying them to rely info about me back to him since we were under no contact and I was so scared I kept my distance as much as possible. I’m still scared so bad but I’m still in love with him and miss him. I hate this. Please help me if any ladies have had this happen to them and please share how to overcome this terrible feeling I have recently had to go through a divorce right after having my first baby who is 1 now. I had to cut off ALL my friends completely off for safety reasons for my daughter and I since it was getting to the point where I couldn’t tell who was being paid off and who wasn’t. I need friends. I need someone to talk to. I’m depressed and life is feeling very overwhelming I feel like if I had a girlfriend I could trust to talk to and know “they aren’t being paid off” that would mean soooo sooo sooo very much to me right now. We are overcomers and we will overcome this struggle! People need others people help and support especially during tough times. We made it this far for a reason but I’m struggling... if anyone has the time or talk even if it’s just once, once a week or whatever is convenient for you. I would really appreciate it and love to help back in anyway I can. Stay Strong beautiful ladies!!?

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm not a lady, so I hope this is OK to post. I was still in love with my abuser for years after we broke up. It's natural to still feel dependent on someone you were so heavily enmeshed with. I'm glad that you realize that for your own safety, and the safety of your daughter, you have to stay away. It can be so difficult and sometimes I only wanted to just call her and beg to be taken back.

Are you able to get therapy?

Welcome to the site. I'm sure you'll find others you can talk to here.

 

[Sharon7788]

I haven’t been in your situation but I’ve had to walk away from someone I very much loved. Knowing it was for my own good gave me the strength but it didn’t make it hurt any less. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I’m glad you have found safety away from him even though it’s difficult. It’s worth it and it won’t always feel like it does now. Welcome to the site ?

 

[Ronin]

Same with SRG on the not a lady lane, though...

I try to remember part of love I had for the exes was there for safety. Caring for them and staying with them was something I did for safety.

The thing I can do for the same now, however, is to stay as far away as I can.

How I feel about the whole is zilch, comparatively. Feelings are allowed to be, I'm allowed to still love them, even though I acknowledge they were dirty bastards. They just aren't and shouldn't have been my bastards, and I'm not allowed to try and f*ck up everything good I got by not being with them. But the attachment itself isn't a problem. It just is.

In the mean time? I play with myself Spot where they were an unoriginal and boring prick. Sure helps me appreciate me & mine more, and them less.

 

[Live2love]

I'm not a lady, so I hope this is OK to post. I was still in love with my abuser for years after we broke up. It's natural to still feel dependent on someone you were so heavily enmeshed with. I'm glad that you realize that for your own safety, and the safety of your daughter, you have to stay away. It can be so difficult and sometimes I only wanted to just call her and beg to be taken back.

Are you able to get therapy?

Welcome to the site. I'm sure you'll find others you can talk to here.

Yes I am in therapy and have been for about a year now I spent 3 months in a women’s shelter

I'm not a lady, so I hope this is OK to post. I was still in love with my abuser for years after we broke up. It's natural to still feel dependent on someone you were so heavily enmeshed with. I'm glad that you realize that for your own safety, and the safety of your daughter, you have to stay away. It can be so difficult and sometimes I only wanted to just call her and beg to be taken back.

Are you able to get therapy?

Welcome to the site. I'm sure you'll find others you can talk to here.

Yes I am in therapy and have been for about a year now right after the bomb explosion I had a month old baby.. my first baby girl. I was so scared for our life that I spent the first 3 months of my baby girls life in a women’s shelter for victims of domestic violence and Met a therapist but I’m with a different therapist now just because my insurance pays for it. I like her thou. I hate that anyone would have to go thru this pain and suffering but at the same time it’s good to know that I’m not alone. Thank you very much for responding. I’m feeling so heartbroken and just to know someone cared enough to read my post and cared enough to respond means more to me right now then you know. Thank you!!

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

Emotions are crazy-making sometimes. They don’t start when we want them too, they don’t just stop when it makes sense to us that they should.

Emotions run their own course, but your recovery can go forward regardless:)

 

[Mee]

I can’t commit to talk regularly but like others want to confirm you aren’t alone.

I have chosen to view it this way : I don’t ever have to stop loving the person who he pretended to be.

I still love the good things about him ( and I think even the person who did worst to me has something to like, the ‘Hitler liked animals’ vein of finding something to like). But I accept,- as you have, that the bad things make them unhealthy for me to stay around.

Beating myself up for loving wasn’t helping me at all. It was making me feel stupid. Fact is we aren’t all stupid. The con artists are really good at it.

We just have to marry that the character is not the actor. The character in movies we crush on isn’t the jerk who is rude to his makeup artist on set.

 

[Justmehere]

There is love, and that's real. And then there is trauma bonding. When someone loves another, it can be hard to walk away. When someone is trauma bonded, it can be like withdrawing from a drug to walk away.

Trauma bonding is something that happens as a survival response. Stockholm syndrome is one form of trauma bonding.

Keep doing what you are doing to stay far far away from him and engaging in healing, and over time, the trauma bonded cravings for him will lessen. I had to cut off a lot of relationships when I ran as well, and it hurts a lot to do that, no doubt. But keep doing it for your baby girl. For me, it helped to build up new relationships and friends in my new city. It helped me resist the urge to run back.

 

[Live2love]

Thank y’all for the positive encouragement and taking the time to write a reply. So sweet! Y’all are the best and really help me more then you know!! Thank you! So.. My ex husband was poisoning and drugging me throughout our marriage. I would love to connect with someone who has had to experience this if there is anyone else who has or know of a particular web site where I could connect with with other victims of poisoning/drugging. Thank you!!

 

[Live2love]

There is love, and that's real. And then there is trauma bonding. When someone loves another, it can be hard to walk away. When someone is trauma bonded, it can be like withdrawing from a drug to walk away.

Trauma bonding is something that happens as a survival response. Stockholm syndrome is one form of trauma bonding.

Keep doing what you are doing to stay far far away from him and engaging in healing, and over time, the trauma bonded cravings for him will lessen. I had to cut off a lot of relationships when I ran as well, and it hurts a lot to do that, no doubt. But keep doing it for your baby girl. For me, it helped to build up new relationships and friends in my new city. It helped me resist the urge to run back.

My life is a living nightmare. PTSD has taken over my whole entire life. It’s been so hard. The nightmare the flashbacks the FEAR the WORRY the forgetting to breathe the social disarray I feel sucks I have no one to talk to but my therapist once a week. I probably deserve all of this for marrying him and believing all the lies for years. I should have listened to the red flags. It’s no one faults .. but my own. My own fault and now I’m suffering tremendous consequences for my own actions. It’s just a part of life, part of nature, survival of the fittest. I’ve been suffering and fighting for so long.. I’m far from “fit”.

 

[Justmehere]

I probably deserve all of this for marrying him and believing all the lies for years. I should have listened to the red flags. It’s no one faults .. but my own. My own fault and now I’m suffering tremendous consequences for my own actions. It’s just a part of life, part of nature, survival of the fittest. I’ve been suffering and fighting for so long.. I’m far from “fit”.

Respectfully, this is wrong, and talking to yourself this way will only make things worse. He is at fault for his behavior. Not you.

You survived hell and you got out, and you should be damn proud of that.

You've been blamed for far way too much by him. Try not to add to it, ok?

Are there any support groups for domestic violence in your area? Maybe with the local domestic violence shelter?

 

[zero]

There was a book that really helped me in a similar situation where I was totally being abused by a stupid guy, eh. There's a book called "Obsessive Love: When it Hurts Too Much to Let Go" by Susan Forward. This is the same amazing human that wrote "Toxic Parents". I despise self-help books, yet I actually read these 2. I strongly recommend this book for your situation. I was there.

The things I got out of this book were 1) Taking an "Emotional Vacation" from the abuser for 2 weeks where you have no contact with them whatsoever. 2) During this time, having a support person to contact *instead* of the person you hope to get over - while physically dealing w/the anger and emotions in a constructive way. - - I started running distance and wound up doing a few miles in a short time. "Once a Runner, Always a Runner!" :D

So when I felt angry about the situation, because I knew he was an unhealthy element of my life that I seriously needed to be away from - I went running. I ran - A LOT. This really helped. I didn't speak to him for 2 weeks and gained some perspective on where I really was, what I really wanted. I discovered I didn't want to be in that situation any more.

Peace to you. I'll be praying and hoping for you.

Sincerely,

sat