Relationship The dreaded “I can’t be in a relationship right now” text

[SweetPainfulLoving]

Better. Has to see him again this weekend at hockey. Be easier if I didn’t have that to deal with.

Trauma binding was definitely me (not that that was all that it was). Come here go away come here go away come here go away.

But thank you so much for asking!!!!

 

[Butterfly64]

Better. Has to see him again this weekend at hockey. Be easier if I didn’t have that to deal with.

Trauma binding was definitely me (not that that was all that it was). Come here go away come here go away come here go away.

I’ll post more on the private area when I have some time and energy for it.

Rough having to see him. I don’t have access to the private area. And yes to go away, come back, go away! He is mostly going to do that to me again and then I have to stay strong.

 

[candor]

The similarities blow me away. Even the words that are chosen and the way they are said give me this Erie feeling as if we were dating the same guy. The behaviours tend to transcend age, culture and sex. Have you noticed how predictable it all gets? We don't get to have what we need and want no matter what we say or do. After four years, the tears dried up and I knew both our parts by heart. Nothing was going to change. A part of me cannot thank him enough for ghosting me when things were finally so good between us. We both knew that he couldn't put a lid on his verbal abuse. I was the trigger. Romance, sex and intimacy ...all of which he seemed to both deny and want most at the same time triggered him. He both admired my resilience and hated me for not supplying him with the constant emotional display he yearned for. So I don't call it love although I react like a star struck teenager. I call it trauma bonding. I cannot express how deeply I have identified with his pain. I was enmeshed and in love with the idea that here there is someone who gets what I went through. It felt like home an d so so familiar. And thus the addiction..the bond. So if I don't fail now and then and give in then I would not have the problem I have. It really helps me to know that you ladies out there seem to feel what I have such a hard time to face within myself. I am coming to terms with the avoidant within me. So when my T confronted me with the possibility that I might be projecting the abusive behavior that I was receiving, I asked "How is that? I treat him nicely? And the T responded " I was referring to the way you treat yourself when you know he can't change much and yet you persist..are you abusing yourself or what?."

..So what is more dreadful loosing them or loosing our boundaries? In my case, he cannot consistently behave as he should and there is no more to say.

 

[Woundedhealer]

so after almost a month of not hearing from my guy, he contacted me last night. He ended up coming over and we talked for hours. He really is just struggling with life but he says he loves me and misses me and he just doesn’t want to hurt me and feels like he can’t give me what I deserve. I said ya but you’re here so is this closure or what it is this? He told me he doesn’t want to say goodbye. He’s in therapy and will be looking into EDMR ( i hope that’s right)
Anyways... I’m at a place where my life is full and I’m grounded. My point being that I don’t think I’d fall apart again if it doesn’t work out but I am so happy to know that it might. Only time will tell

 

[Butterfly64]

The similarities blow me away. Even the words that are chosen and the way they are said give me this Erie feeling as if we were dating the same guy. The behaviours tend to transcend age, culture and sex. Have you noticed how predictable it all gets? We don't get to have what we need and want no matter what we say or do. After four years, the tears dried up and I knew both our parts by heart. Nothing was going to change. A part of me cannot thank him enough for ghosting me when things were finally so good between us. We both knew that he couldn't put a lid on his verbal abuse. I was the trigger. Romance, sex and intimacy ...all of which he seemed to both deny and want most at the same time triggered him. He both admired my resilience and hated me for not supplying him with the constant emotional display he yearned for. So I don't call it love although I react like a star struck teenager. I call it trauma bonding. I cannot express how deeply I have identified with his pain. I was enmeshed and in love with the idea that here there is someone who gets what I went through. It felt like home an d so so familiar. And thus the addiction..the bond. So if I don't fail now and then and give in then I would not have the problem I have. It really helps me to know that you ladies out there seem to feel what I have such a hard time to face within myself. I am coming to terms with the avoidant within me. So when my T confronted me with the possibility that I might be projecting the abusive behavior that I was receiving, I asked "How is that? I treat him nicely? And the T responded " I was referring to the way you treat yourself when you know he can't change much and yet you persist..are you abusing yourself or what?."

..So what is more dreadful loosing them or loosing our boundaries? In my case, he cannot consistently behave as he should and there is no more to say.

Loosing him and my boundaries...both. I really don’t know, why I put up with his shit for over two years. I suspect that apart from CPTSD he sufffers from Dismissing Attachment...his mom left when he was only six and he grew up with a father who is really not good at showing emotions. He claims he will remain single the rest of his life, because that is easier....no expectations. I guess that some day, we will be able to look back and be okay about trying so hard for so long to make it work.

 

[candor]

They definitely do fear hurting us. I use to tell myself that there was no point in getting hurt if no hurt is intended. But a better way of saying it is I learned not to give away my heart and not to allow him to hurt me. He wrote me an email today asking me if I had called. He wrote that he had not called me because I had asked him not to in a rext. Of course, he can't prove what never happened. No such request was made by me. But he can't always reason property that such a claim is easily disproven. He can't always distinguish between illusion and reality. But at times he gives me deeper insights into human nature than any other man I have met. Go figure.

 

[LovingH]

To the OP...my guy started pulling away after the first unsolicited "i love you." It's been 6 mos since we last saw each other. I tried to see him in June for my birthday and not only did he shoot me down but told me he wasn't missing the relationship. Well I am. I miss it and him every day.
There was a robbery reported in the news thst happened right where he lives. He never replied to my email asking if he is ok. Now I'm depressed again.

 

[erok0385]

It is truly astonishing to me the level of truth and similarities every one of us share. The woman I was dating had an awful weekend about two weeks ago and her cup was overflowing non stop for about three days. Monday came and she and I got into a massive fight which ended with her saying she can not be in a relationship right now she has to be selfish and fix herself and that I deserve her at her best not this. So I accepted that and told her I’d give her all the space she needed to do what she had to do. One of the things she flat out refuses to talk about is our relationship. We still talk continually and flirt back and forth like crazy. We also work together so we see each other all the time regardless. It’s hard to know where to go from here though because I’m not going to wait around forever. I also trust that she sees me as the stabilizing force that I am to her and she’s never had someone like me. It could all be wishful thinking of course and time will tell. Thank you to everyone that has responded it’s nice knowing you aren’t alone in this.

 

[candor]

All these expectations that are normally attached to a romantic relationship are typically not sustainable for the sufferer. Perhaps, with a lot of effort it can be done for a short period. Once he put it to me this way, he said " imagine the worst flu you ever had and someone is waiting for you to do whatever (have. sex, socialize with friends, be nice, chat, talk on the phone)..and the flu is your norm. Talking about how sad or angry you feel does not help the sufferer who is either incapable of processing it or can't find any solution that will help you feel better. And imagine how that constant fear of not being able to live up to expectations might overwhelm. I think that a combination of not taking anything said too seriously or personal while keeping your own expectations low may work. I try hard not to expect him to change. I expect me to change the way I behave and react. I try to care enough but not enough to have my day ruined by some silly comment he won't remember saying tommorow. And most of all, I no longer let myself fantasize about what he could be like. I am certain that there is progress ever so slowly as I move on. I put nothing on hold anymore ever. I focus more and more on my needs.

 

[anon1234]

I put nothing on hold anymore ever. I focus more and more on my needs.

I no longer let myself fantasize about what he could be like.

These here! Took me a while to realize but it s a paradigm shift when you do. The future fantasy is just that. A fantasy, a projection, a fiction, a hope. For me, now we are beyond the honeymoon stage I realize THIS is what he is like. THIS is who he is. I accept that. When you are able to, it’s liberating.

I am doing my own thing and if he comes back then ok! But I’m not putting my life on hold for some hypothetical. He told me he respects my boundaries and prefers them. And I am not putting my happiness is the hands of someone else. Keep my expectations low and anything else is a bonus.

 

[Respectfully1979]

Just discovered this forum and been reading what you all have to say. It's already been a great help and insight. I think I have figured out that I need to keep plodding on with my life and see what happens. At the end of the day, you can't place your life in the hands of someone else and you have to take a responsibility for where your own journey is headed. Bloody hard, all this! So glad I found this forum!!

 

[Butterfly64]

Just discovered this forum and been reading what you all have to say. It's already been a great help and insight. I think I have figured out that I need to keep plodding on with my life and see what happens. At the end of the day, you can't place your life in the hands of someone else and you have to take a responsibility for where your own journey is headed. Bloody hard, all this! So glad I found this forum!!

Welcome ? Ex supporter here. Bloody hard indeed! I gave up on my bloke in May after two years and have unfortunately slipped up a few times and fell right back into the push-pull trap. So it is no easy to walk away, but over time it can be done. Wrapping your head around what happened is the hardest bit in my experience...all the questions.