Abusive Landlord

[Iditarod]

Hello, I am a CPTSD sufferer. My landlord is becoming verbally abusive, and I am tempted to tell her that I want communication by letter only. No emails, texts, or phone calls. I would be completely available to any repair company they hire, to call me to make arrangements. I am afraid that may not be very workable, such as what happened with yesterday's repair. I am just not sure how to approach this. I'm stuck with my lease for another 9 months.

I notified my RE manager on Monday that the sink was backing up. She did not reply. I continued to give her updates on the situation, no reply. On Tuesday, I emailed her and asked for a plumber on Wednesday. I made sure to mention that the tenants who caused the clog in the pipe between the two condo units have a baby, and they also needed the repair done. They live over us, and the clog was in the pipe between the condos.

So on Wednesday we got it fixed. Afterwards my RE manager decided she was going to try to blame us. She got the idea in her head that the clog was in the garbage disposal, and emailed me saying that if she finds out we caused the clog, she will charge us for the repair. (No Lady, the clog was in the pipe, and the waste from our garbage disposal cannot magically defy gravity and go up the pipe and clog it.) What I actually did was to just refer her to the plumber who fixed it, since he was definitely of the opinion that the people over us caused the clog.

I am very angry about it. What she said to us was so antagonistic as to be abusive. Nobody ever said there was any clog in any garbage disposal.
She came up with that herself. She was very blaming about it.

So I'm asking for any thoughts about how best to handle cutting off all communication except for physical letters. If she's going to be like this, I am really not motivated to even try to get repairs made.

Thanks.....

 

[joeylittle]

I'm asking for any thoughts about how best to handle cutting off all communication except for physical letters.

I'm not sure that's realistic - you'd want to be able to call or email as needed, but the building manager would have to send things via the post office?

Hypothetical question - would it be fair for any tenant to pay for a repair if they were the cause of the problem? In other words, if you look at her statement and remove yourself from the situation, pretend it's someone else's problem for a second - does it still seem so unreasonable as to be abusive?

 

[Ronin]

What she said to us was so antagonistic as to be abusive.

IMHO trying to find a cause of an issue / believing otherwise than is reality about a technical issue, does not yet mean assigning blame... and assigning blame is not automatically abuse, either.

I would also consider there may be tone issues...
She is a manager. Solving issues all days long. Maybe that is the default tone she responds about them, and has nothing to do with you, as her being on very tight schedules & needing to assist multiple people.

 

[blackemerald1]

My landlord is becoming verbally abusive, and I am tempted to tell her that I want communication by letter only.

^Verbally abusive is quite a high bar for someone to reach for me. It extends beyond antagonism because that requires me to let a person score cheap points off me. If they make me angry they've won!

But I acknowledge that not ruminating on what they've done and certainly not responding takes practice.

I am very angry about it. What she said to us was so antagonistic as to be abusive. Nobody ever said there was any clog in any garbage disposal.
She came up with that herself. She was very blaming about it.

^I'm not sure why you are so worried. The plumber will set her straight about where and what the blockage is. So let her investigate it till she's up to her eyeballs in it.

You are angry about something that is clearly not your problem and with someone you may not have to deal with often.

Can you see that your anger might be disportionate?

I acknowledge with you that some people are just rude. If you give them airtime in your own head the only person you are hurting is you.

Rather than take impractical lengths to avoid them... just move on with your life.

If you must communicate with her I'd keep it brief and business like. She has a job to do and it is only to serve you, so expect nothing less or more.

 

[Iditarod]

I'm not sure that's realistic - you'd want to be able to call or email as needed, but the building manager would have to send things via the post office?

Hypothetical question - would it be fair for any tenant to pay for a repair if they were the cause of the problem? In other words, if you look at her statement and remove yourself from the situation, pretend it's someone else's problem for a second - does it still seem so unreasonable as to be abusive?

Does it seem reasonable to claim that garbage disposal waste can magically defy gravity and go up a pipe? The clog was in the pipe between 2 floors. The pipe would have to pressurized, and the waste probably forced up with a motor. I have not seen any motor under the kitchen sink.

Pretend for a moment that garbage disposal waste does not defy gravity. Thank you.

^Verbally abusive is quite a high bar for someone to reach for me. It extends beyond antagonism because that requires me to let a person score cheap points off me. If they make me angry they've won!

But I acknowledge that not ruminating on what they've done and certainly not responding takes practice.



^I'm not sure why you are so worried. The plumber will set her straight about where and what the blockage is. So let her investigate it till she's up to her eyeballs in it.

You are angry about something that is clearly not your problem and with someone you may not have to deal with often.

Can you see that your anger might be disportionate?

I acknowledge with you that some people are just rude. If you give them airtime in your own head the only person you are hurting is you.

Rather than take impractical lengths to avoid them... just move on with your life.

If you must communicate with her I'd keep it brief and business like. She has a job to do and it is only to serve you, so expect nothing less or more.

Wow I am glad to know that PTSD is so logical! So easy to be logical! My goodness - don't give them any air time in my head. Thank you!

 

[Sideways]

Does it seem reasonable to claim that garbage disposal waste can magically defy gravity and go up a pipe?

If it’s not draining away quickly enough, the only place left for it to go is up.

Wow I am glad to know that PTSD is so logical! So easy to be logical!

So, posting here about this issue, people are going to chime in with alternative ways of viewing things, or managing issues, that might be helpful.

If we all just agreed with each other every time a problem pops up? Wouldn’t really help us resolve the problem, it would just reinforce our situation. Which wouldn’t get us anywhere, yeah?

 

[Iditarod]

If it’s not draining away quickly enough, the only place left for it to go is up.


So, posting here about this issue, people are going to chime in with alternative ways of viewing things, or managing issues, that might be helpful.

If we all just agreed with each other every time a problem pops up? Wouldn’t really help us resolve the problem, it would just reinforce our situation. Which wouldn’t get us anywhere, yeah?

I appreciate that you are trying to help, but I find it does no good to reinforce traditional puritanical toxic masculinity. There is nothing alternative about it. Like: get over it! The only person you are hurting is you. Buck up, stiff upper lip! Don't give them air time in your head! Just move on! Why are you so worried? Stop that! Wow, that is soooo not useful for ptsd sufferers.

BTW, she does not do well at performing her function. Took her two days to get a plumber out. She is a person who only got the job because it's a family business. She would never succeed on her own.

What I wanted to talk about was dealing with my feelings, and making her be professional. Not the examples given above. Now I feel more like this is not the place to open up.

 

[bellbird]

So I'm asking for any thoughts about how best to handle cutting off all communication except for physical letters. If she's going to be like this, I am really not motivated to even try to get repairs made.

What I wanted to talk about was dealing with my feelings, and making her be professional.

It seems as though what you were hoping to get from this thread has changed from your OP :)

but I find it does no good to reinforce traditional puritanical toxic masculinity.

I'm also pretty unsure as to where/why this comment is directed?

Now I feel more like this is not the place to open up.

Oh trust me, this is a fantastic place to open up. In fact I'm not sure there are many better places for doing so..

It's also, not-so-coincidentally, a fantastic place for getting advice from many different people of many different backgrounds; some of which we take on and some of which we rather leave; both of which are ok and good, and neither of which make this not the place to open up :)

 

[Sideways]

Support doesn’t always mean having people blindly agree with everything you say.

Some of the stuff you’ve now said, to 2 different members, both taking time out to offer genuine and considered alternative perspectives in order to help you manage your emotional response to the situation (ie. providing you with a form of emotional support) is flat out aggressive and patronising.

Check your attitude and your sense of entitlement there. You got support, you just didn’t like what you heard. Being flat out aggressive to people offering considered and genuine support is unlikely to decrease your distress levels, let alone help you find a productive way forward with your landlord, or anyone else.

As for toxic masculinity? I have no idea how that plays into this situation at all. I’m female, your landlord is female, so far I haven’t read anything that comes even remotely close to a “suck it up, sunshine” message. Quite the contrary.

This place has the potential to be an excellent support for a lot of people with ptsd who want to make progress with their situation, and are looking for insight from other sufferers to help them move forward.

People who just want to hear “You’re totally right”, and want to dole out aggressive nonsense to anyone suggesting otherwise, are probably better off at other websites.

The mantra for users of this site is “Take what’s helpful, leave the rest”.

It isn’t “Take what’s helpful, shoot the rest”.

 

[unbrokenn]

I think your expectations are realistic and you should try reaching out when comfortable. If all else fails just change your number and email or block so the only way she can get a hold of you is mail.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think your expectations are realistic and you should try reaching out when comfortable. If all else fails just change your number and email or block so the only way she can get a hold of you is mail.

^Contradictory statement there unbrokenn...

 

[unbrokenn]

I feel like you may benefit from rationally thinking stuff over, like removing emotion and thinking factually alone. The situation may be kinda scary and I get that but it honestly is up to you if your perception is that strong.

I see how it might be disproportionate though as it may be her job, but i feel like better communication could go a long way on both ends to be honest. I feel like if the landlord is actually being abusive then she should stand up for herself but if it’s just her being nasty and kinda rude then it’s a different situation altogether.
Verbal abuse is kinda a high bar to reach and it depends on what she does. I can see the landlord was kind of saying things not true even though OP kept saying over and over that it was not that that was the source of the clog, but maybe she’s dealt with a lot of people who have done weird stuff to the property she owns?