How do I navigate dating with PTSD?

[LotusFlower21]

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 19, and it took me three years after my diagnosis to actually seek help, and only recently this past year to find someone who has been helping with my PTSD. I had a mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive childhood. I was also sexually assaulted at a very young age. Which has caused a lot trust issues with men. I use to start feeling nervous and anxious if any guy I didn’t know would look at me. I also hate being touched by people and feeling overcrowded by too many being around me. I actually never had my first kiss kiss until I was graduated from high school, and I am now almost 23 and the thought of sex and any deeper intimacy (even kissing) gives me such severe anxiety I can even feel my heart start to pound as I am typing this. I started talking to this guy a few weeks ago, and I was actually the one who reached out to him. He is very kind and very sweet, and I don’t want to end anything. However, I have only hung out with him once. It was good, and we went out doing things I knew wouldn’t trigger me. I am struggling being alone with him again a little less than a week later. I agreed in the moment because I got frazzled and didn’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he wants to spend time with me. I am also worried he doesn’t actually understand what he got himself into when I said I have severe anxiety about men and dating. How should I approach this? I am a little worried maybe I am not as ready as I thought. I am just really not sure how to speak with him about this without giving him my entire life story. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want to spiral to please him.

 

[Gs172003]

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 19, and it took me three years after my diagnosis to actually seek help, and only recently this past year to find someone who has been helping with my PTSD. I had a mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive childhood. I was also sexually assaulted at a very young age. Which has caused a lot trust issues with men. I use to start feeling nervous and anxious if any guy I didn’t know would look at me. I also hate being touched by people and feeling overcrowded by too many being around me. I actually never had my first kiss kiss until I was graduated from high school, and I am now almost 23 and the thought of sex and any deeper intimacy (even kissing) gives me such severe anxiety I can even feel my heart start to pound as I am typing this. I started talking to this guy a few weeks ago, and I was actually the one who reached out to him. He is very kind and very sweet, and I don’t want to end anything. However, I have only hung out with him once. It was good, and we went out doing things I knew wouldn’t trigger me. I am struggling being alone with him again a little less than a week later. I agreed in the moment because I got frazzled and didn’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he wants to spend time with me. I am also worried he doesn’t actually understand what he got himself into when I said I have severe anxiety about men and dating. How should I approach this? I am a little worried maybe I am not as ready as I thought. I am just really not sure how to speak with him about this without giving him my entire life story. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want to spiral to please him.

Can you go out in a group with him with other friends the first few times and see how you feel? Then after that just meet him somewhere and leave after? Then after that go out with him alone? It doesn't have to be exactly like that but something that eases you into it.

 

[Chryblsmsunrise]

I feel like I'm reading a post from my past self.
Here is what I did.
I made sure my hubby was 100% safe for me. When we first started dating, I would go to his apartment and I thought he was going to kill me. Because I had severe anxiety due to past abuse.
I decided a few weeks in to tell him what i had been through. He was very compassionate. He didn't understand but he tried to. He was patient. You need someone with these qualities or else it's just not going to work properly.
Some advice :
Maybe tell him what you are comfortable sharing? Don't trigger yourself but maybe just loosely tell him some things regarding your past.
State your triggers. If he is a genuine man, he will be mindful of this. He may forget and need to be reminded. That's okay.
Tell him you need space if you do. There is nothing wrong with this. The more in control you feel, the better. You want to be able to feel comfortable and safe.
Take it slow. I told my current boyfriend that I wanted to take intimate things slow and he respected that. If he hadn't, I would've just moved on.
Know that it's okay to cry. I cried after everytime my boyfriend and I had sex. Not ideal, but it showed me what a truly wonderful and compassionate man he is. Later on, he suggested we take a break from sex, which we did. It helped. A man who brings peace to your soul is the man who deserves your heart.
Don't compare yourself to others. I know it's hard but we are a bit more fragile. Like butterflies, we need to be handled with care.
I went through a lot of bad relationships before I found the One. But getting a checklist of things you both need and communicating opening and clearly makes things a breeze.
Best of luck. You got this.

Also, to help with touch you can just gradually build up to it. Give short hugs, have him brush your hair or give you a massage with no pressure for sex. Or think of what touch does bring comfort to you. Maybe he could get you a little stuffed animal with his cologne on it. That may help you feel closer.
I still don't like being touched some days and my boyfriend understands and is patient with me. It's all about communication and patience.

 

[Friday]

didn’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he wants to spend time with me. I am also worried he doesn’t actually understand what he got himself into

One of the most useful things I know of? Is to stop doing this. Stop attempting to control the situation by making his decisions for him.

That doesn’t mean not being aware, or being callous. It means trusting him to make the choices he wants to make in his life, to handle his own feelings, etc.

Yep. I italicised that for durn good reason. Because you don’t have to trust him as a person, much less trust him with you/ your life/ your secrets/ your heart/ etc... to trust him to handle his own life. Even though if you’re in a black & white mindset it probably feels like that.

am just really not sure how to speak with him about this without giving him my entire life story.

Because this ^^^^

Trust issues suck. What feels right (make his decisions for him AND tell him everything) makes no logical sense. It’s a ping ponging back and forth between extremes of no trust v total trust, trying to get closer by pushing him away.

(Like going to a job interview and only telling them all the reasons they shouldn’t hire you, your faults/fears/failings... talking yourself right out of a job, even if you were their BEST candidate &/or mixing up the role of interviewer with friend/therapist who “should” see through the self abasement/fawning to the strengths and assets you ALSO possess. Nope. That’s not their job. Their job is to look at your assets and see if they can use those, not look at your faults. Car parts are useful things, but they don’t belong on your dinner plate, because you don’t eat metal. Food belongs on your table. Assets belong at job interviews.)

Emotions don’t logic so hot, so it can be an ongoing struggle to NOT give someone your entire life story (in an attempt to push them away / here are all the reasons you shouldn’t hire me! Seriously, HUGE reasons, I’m a mess. You have to know what you’re getting into! I’m a disaster!), nor to make their decisions for them (they can’t handle, they want, they need).

Flip it around.

What do YOU want?

Do you want to get to know HIM better? (Do you want to work this job?)
Do you want to spend time with HIM?
Do you like what you know so far?

Every time you start to ask yourself what he wants, what he needs, what’s best for him? (And there will probably be a lot of that.) Stop. As the exact same question... of yourself. What do YOU want? What do YOU need? What’s best for YOU? <<< That’s your side of the street.

Is there some crossover? Absolutely! Doing something nice for someone else, for example, means taking into account their likes/dislikes/wants/desires/etc. As long as we’re doing those things because WE want to? That’s maintaining your personal integrity. Staying on “your side of the street” doesn’t make anyone an uncaring egocentric bitch. Some of the MOST caring & generous people have the best boundaries about what’s their responsibility and what’s not. That’s how they’re able to go the extra mile for people, and still be happy centered and not burned out / resentful / or feeling -much less being- used.

My side of the street, your side of the street.

Making other people’s decisions for them? Is trying to live 2 lives. And it’s exhausting. It’s part of why parents of small children are so exhausted all the time (because they’re having to make decisions for someone else / are wholly responsible for someone else). One of the AWESOME! :D things about dating? They’re adults. They’re able to make their own choices, and take care of themselves. Just like we are. So we can choose to get to know someone, choose to spend time with them... or not. There’s autonomy. You don’t have to do what’s best for THEM. (Nor do you have to manipulate them into not being mean &/or angry &/or abuse/ etc.. If someone is mean to you? Leave. It’s not your responsiltoh to make them happy, or make them not mean, or make them not hurt you. Because it’s THEIR decision how to treat you. It’s your decision to stay with someone who treats you that way, or to leave someone who is a dick to you, and be with someone who makes the decision to treat you well.)

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