Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Went to the dentist today. I always end up feeling so ashamed when I go to the dentist. I have "okay" oral hygiene. Not great but pretty good. I don't get anxious but I always want to cry by the time I'm done. It stirs up vulnerability and feelings of not being good enough every time.

Not to mention the drugs I got last weekend crash my immune system so the dentist doesn't want to do the next stuff I need until we get permission from my doctor. Which means who knows when I can get this work done. It will have to be 2 appointments and it's so very hard to get time off at work. I'm just feeling very raw and sensitive now.

There's something very disempowering about being in that dental chair while they shove stuff into your mouth. I'm not very good at surrendering. I feel like shit now.

 

[HealingMama]

We had a fight last night. I was triggered by calling and him not answering even though he was home and I'd just seen him with the phone in his hand. There's been hundreds of times I tried to call or text him and he didn't notice or respond so I have all this yucky Emotion around this situation.

And apparently I can't share my experience of him being unreliable without him feeling attacked or berated. If I say youre not there when I need you he makes it about him and he feels abused. Because of how he talks to himself, it leaves absolutely no space to validate my feelings around these issues.

I get that people are busy or need to turn off the ringer on the phone temporarily but it's been so so so difficult to just get him to answer when I call. Years of inconsistent availability takes a toll.

He also assumed this was our usual song and dance and reacted as he usually does which escalated it.

We managed to come back together again. I told him I'm trying to make myself as small as possible because he reacts so badly to me talking about my unmet needs that I don't have a choice except to keep all my needs to myself if I want to avoid everything breaking.

I don't feel like he is accurately seeing his contribution to this mess. His communication is SO bad. Speaking, listening, including me in important decisions, it's all a crapshoot which leaves me feeling very uncentered.

Like, I can't help that you're so unreliable and it's not fair that I can't talk about it.

We ended the night on a good enough note but man I am so frustrated that problems continue to happen and he won't meet my needs in the moment so that there's a smaller pile of shit from these situations.

 

[HealingMama]

Annnnd already this morning, I've called and he's not answered. I wonder what his excuse will be now and how he will blame me for daring to expect availability when he's sitting at the house with the child. Sigh. Watch, he's going to fight me over feeling let down less than 24 hours after I identified this problem.

 

[HealingMama]

He was asleep when I called, with a toddler who was not asleep. Lucky for us the toddler is pretty good at following rules or he could have gotten hurt.

And now I have to go home on my lunch to unlock his car. The job that I was considering is a remote job. It might actually hurt my health more to be home every day amidst this chaos.

I don't even feel anything for him anymore since I decided not to have any needs. No Sparks when we touch even if we are getting along. He called me a bitch many times last night, called me an asshole, hung up on me. I didn't call him any names or yell. I was flustered and agitated when I was triggered initially and there was anxiety in my voice but I was pretty well contained.

And here I am getting ready to rescue him from locking himself out of his car during one of the very few times I have a break in my day.

Oh, he turned off the ringer on his phone. Last night I specifically asked him to warn me when he does that rather than being unexpectedly out of pocket with no explanation.

I feel bad for him with how hard it must be to function the way that he does. I feel bad for him that he suffered my rage from unmet needs and expectations. I also don't know how someone with attachment trauma can heal in an environment like this.

He apologized for the name calling and for not answering his phone but I can't trust him not to do these things again.

 

[HealingMama]

I called him as he was going to work (late) to say locking himself out of his car doesn't mean he's a bad person or a piece of ish because that's the kind of stuff he says to himself when these things happen.

And because he's so mean to himself he hears attacks from me that aren't there. He feels berated when I say I can't trust you or rely on you.

I am still trying to keep my side of the street clean, and to make amends for the ways that I have hurt him, so calling him is a healthy thing to do.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hugs: Reading along. All of this must be very difficult for you.

 

[HealingMama]

:hugs: Reading along. All of this must be very difficult for you.

Thanks SRG. I'm actually pretty numb. I have a cauterized place in my heart where I was connecting with him before. He told me that's understandable that I need to shut down. He says I shouldn't try to not have any needs. I'd rather not share my needs than share them and be punished for it.

 

[HealingMama]

I'm afraid that this relationship is killing me. My body is breaking down. My joints were hurting so bad yesterday that after I put the kid to bed I couldn't go downstairs again, and was pretty much bedridden. Before the fight, I told him as much, and he heard me. Once the fight happened, I kept asking him to come back and he wouldn't. He said I could come to him. He's not going to let me control him blah blah blah.

Actually no I can't.

If my efforts to create stability and safety cannot turn this tide I will have to leave for health reasons. Based on what others say with chronic illness about divorcing from a stressful relationship, their symptoms often improve because the stress gets better.

We talked about separating again last night. He says he loves me and doesn't want that, but I can't spend my life hiding my needs and saying please come back because I'm too disabled to move and having him act like that.

I also can't really tackle my trauma until my relationship is under control and I'm starting to think that's just not possible.

He talked to his therapist about us this week and how he wishes things started where they are now because he would be able to fix them. That the beginning was so rough.

He probably left out the part where things got better once I got a job that could support the family without his help if it needed to. And now I'm sitting here scared I'll have to go on disability which won't be much.

I feel like I'm still looking at the end but this time it's very different. I'm not dysregulated. I just see that this relationship has too many problems and is too stressful. His ADHD is very very very bad even with meds. When he got evaluated in college even the psychologist told him they had never seen someone before with symptoms as severe as his.

I'm scared to stay with someone whose actions can trigger self harm thoughts in me. That isn't normal. That's not supposed to happen in a marriage.

 

[HealingMama]

In other news, last night I skipped dinner and I'm thinking of skipping dinner again, but I did eat lunch and had a vitamin drink with protein for breakfast. I wonder if I'm developing disordered eating. Originally I thought I needed to give my body a rest because I assumed it was something I ate that made my joints hurt so bad but now I'm kind of liking the self-restraint. I don't know much about ED but I figure skipping a meal a few days isn't really a concern. On the other hand I have no control over my home life so maybe this is how I'm acting out about that.

 

[Jade-]

Is there any way for you to take a complete break from your home life for a bit? Can you take a little vacation by yourself or with friends? Can you take off somewhere for the weekend? Can you have a girls night out? Go on a shopping trip or whatever?

Do you ever really get any down time at all? Do you ever take time away from everything,forget about it all for awhile and laugh and have fun?

I hope you do get to laugh,relax and have a good time. If not maybe you should make time?

 

[Deanna]

On the other hand I have no control over my home life so maybe this is how I'm acting out about that

Abused people, pretty much. When we can't control our situation, we can control our bodies. ED, big time.

 

[HealingMama]

Is there any way for you to take a complete break from your home life for a bit? Can you take a little vacation by yourself or with friends? Can you take off somewhere for the weekend? Can you have a girls night out? Go on a shopping trip or whatever?

Do you ever really get any down time at all? Do you ever take time away from everything,forget about it all for awhile and laugh and have fun?

I hope you do get to laugh,relax and have a good time. If not maybe you should make time?

I was supposed to get that this weekend. Unfortunately he misunderstood the planning/coordinating that needed to be done and screwed up his monthly visit with the other kids. I worked hard to get him to solve the problem in a way that wouldn't require me changing my plans, but the alternative solution would involve dragging a toddler to an airport at 5am, navigating an airport alone with toddler and carseat, and returning to our area at 1am with the toddler. That's not in the child's best interest so I rescheduled my fun time.

It's not really "fun." It's relaxation time where I am only responsible for myself. As someone with trauma, I don't really know how to have fun ?‍