Relationship Husband with ptsd

[Sleepy hollow]

I love my husband and we have been together for a long time. He has been diagnosed with complex ptsd and for me it has been a relief to get to the bottom of his behaviour and emotional outbursts.
However, I feel that his thoughts about our past and present are overly negative and I don’t know how to address this. His perception and my perception of our life together do not match and it is causing a lot of conflict. He finds it difficult to let go of past hurts (not from me but from others) but blames me for not doing more to protect him or to move our life forward.
I feel so confused because the way he speaks about his life is such a mess, but I don’t feel this way at all. I don’t know how much is because of his ptsd or if I am just going around with blinkers on. He is so resentful and angry about how things have turned out and blames me for not putting him first, when I feel I have done everything he wanted to do except permanently emigrate.
I love him loads but I think the only way I can show this is by putting myself in an uncomfortable position so then he will feel i have truly put him first.
I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am clutching at straws to feel better about my situation. I don’t want to split up with my husband and I am worried things are heading that way because we can’t resolve our problems. I don’t know how much is his ptsd and if it is because of that, how do I address it without making him feel like his feeling don’t count.

 

[Tinyflame]

This in not helpful @ sleepy hollow but it sounds like he's grieving. Which is not your fault, nor his.

Welcome to you.

 

[LuckiLee]

Has he just started therapy? It can get worse before it gets better. Therapy brings all the hurt to the surface...

Could you do couples therapy? Or go to one of his therapy appointments with him? Have you done any research on the disorder? Knowledge is power.

Caregiver burn out is real. Do you have a support system of your own? Maybe your own therapist to work with?

I know how hard it is. When J and I work as a team things go so much better. It takes hard work from both people in the relationship. PTSD relationships are difficult but doable.

Welcome to the forums!

 

[Sleep hollow]

He has had a year and half of therapy and I am on a waiting list to see someone. We haven't done couples counselling though. I do research it and it does help, but I find it difficult to not take things personally even when I know he is in a crisis. How do I differentiate between a ptsd crisis and his true feelings. He has a lot of hurt about our relationship when we also get on really well and love each other very much. I don't always understand how he can think so badly about his life when he has done really well for us and himself. He is very successful and looked up to at work. He has a lot of issues around family and being loved unconditionally and he looks to me to fullfill all that but evidently I am not doing a very good job at it becasue he just doesn't feel the security he should in a marriage. I love him so much and want him to know it and feel it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

How do I differentiate between a ptsd crisis and his true feelings.

The thing is, those are his true feelings... at least at the time. Everything he’s saying is valid, even if he is very symptomatic. I know it hurts, and it doesn’t make much sense from the outside. One minute you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, the next minute you’re the worst.

It’s frustrating when things seem to be oscillating wildly back and forth, or if a personality does a 180. It’s like walking through a field of rakes blindfolded. One minute you’re fine, then the next *BAM* right in the face.

The important thing is to listen and respect his feelings and boundaries, even if they’re all over the place. That and not to take on blame for things you’re not responsible for. He may blame you for things, but that doesn’t mean they’re your fault or that you should take on responsibility for them.

 

[Tinyflame]

evidently I am not doing a very good job at it becasue he just doesn't feel the security he should in a marriage. I love him so much and want him to know it and feel it.

I wouldn't say you are to blame or you're poor at it if you have that intention ^^ ; from what I understand the meaning of 'you have to love yourself to accept love', is that they are lovable their mind will find a way to right it off as something else, since they don't belong to 'the club of lovable people'. (Sorry, can't find better words. :( )

 

[Sleepy hollow]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate it.
I know they are his true feeling, I suppose I didn’t word it correctly. What I mean is if he didn’t have this illness would he still be feeling this way? I am all over the place and don’t know what to do for the best. He said tonight that I don’t do enough to support him, when I feel all I am doing is thinking of his feelings and worrying about if he is feeling cared for enough. He wants me to be more proactive in our relationship to take the stress off him which I know is a reasonable request. I am finding it hard to take the reigns though because he has done it throughout our relationship and the pace in which he wants things done is so much quicker than I would do it. So in the end he says “what have you actually done in our relationship” which really hurts me. I have been there for him throughout all of his outbursts, therapy, breakdowns but none of it seems to be thought of as worth anything. I am so upset and we aren’t seeing eye to eye on any of it. I know I procrastinate and want things to be just right b4 I jump into anything, but Ive always been this way and to having to change isn’t easy. Having ptsd isn’t easy either.

 

[G-9]

I love my husband and we have been together for a long time. He has been diagnosed with complex ptsd and for me it has been a relief to get to the bottom of his behaviour and emotional outbursts.
However, I feel that his thoughts about our past and present are overly negative and I don’t know how to address this. His perception and my perception of our life together do not match and it is causing a lot of conflict. He finds it difficult to let go of past hurts (not from me but from others) but blames me for not doing more to protect him or to move our life forward.
I feel so confused because the way he speaks about his life is such a mess, but I don’t feel this way at all. I don’t know how much is because of his ptsd or if I am just going around with blinkers on. He is so resentful and angry about how things have turned out and blames me for not putting him first, when I feel I have done everything he wanted to do except permanently emigrate.
I love him loads but I think the only way I can show this is by putting myself in an uncomfortable position so then he will feel i have truly put him first.
I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am clutching at straws to feel better about my situation. I don’t want to split up with my husband and I am worried things are heading that way because we can’t resolve our problems. I don’t know how much is his ptsd and if it is because of that, how do I address it without making him feel like his feeling don’t count.

This isnt going to help but.... I have the same experience about perception with my husband
He has described our life together and our children’s childhood in negatives. I made him and albuM of 100+ pics to remind him how beautiful our life has been regardless of the bumps in the road. He still held his position.
I finally told him that he would not dictate the narrative of my memories. He can have his perception but l’ll be damned if it’s mine.

 

[Mach123]

To say I've lived this question exactly and examined it in excruciating detail is an understatement.

There is so much interference in the process of thinking about this and it's so layered and there are so many pre conceptions about what things are supposed to look like.

To begin with there are two of you and since you're together you both need help and since you're on a waiting list you know this.

2nd you've got in the habit of going back and forth and charging each other emotional fees for behavior. I.e. I did this because you didn't do that and so on. That becomes toxic.

We go back and forth right now between passion and fighting, which we have done mostly for thirty years.

My behaviour is more in control but it's really difficult still? I know pretty much why I feel like this and I stop it a lot.

I know the stuff she does and doesn't do isn't her fault. She's got her own stuff. She conforms to what I want as much as she can. She's a very strong person though and by the time we married (in our thirties) we were both used to doing things our own way. We still do that to a large extent.

So who says so is what it comes down to. How do you make decisions and what do you do when you don't agree? To quote Henry Higgins in my fair lady

"And then rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all."

So now nobody gets what they want.

Plus we are both Libras so nothing ever gets decided. Lol

I always lean toward staying married but people do what they do. I always figure I'd be in pretty much the same place regardless. It's hard. We stayed married. I hope you guys do too.

 

[Sleepy hollow]

Thanks all, it’s really nice to have people who listen and understand. Things have got better in the last few days and I am going to take on more stuff to help him feel like the responsibility of life isn’t all on him. I do understand how he feels on this issue, but it is hard to change. I have made a list and will tackle one task a day to keep moving us forward.
He took me for a lovely meal last night and confessed that he thinks he has seen a post I have written ( meaning this one). He said as soon as he knew it was me he stopped reading it for my privacy and knowing him well, I believe him. He has always held privacy in high regard although Im not sure I could have the same constaints!
I know he reads this website, but as it is in the supporters section I didn’t think he would see it. Anyway that means I probably won’t post here again, but thank you all for your support.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

Thanks all, it’s really nice to have people who listen and understand. Things have got better in the last few days and I am going to take on more stuff to help him feel like the responsibility of life isn’t all on him. I do understand how he feels on this issue, but it is hard to change. I have made a list and will tackle one task a day to keep moving us forward.
He took me for a lovely meal last night and confessed that he thinks he has seen a post I have written ( meaning this one). He said as soon as he knew it was me he stopped reading it for my privacy and knowing him well, I believe him. He has always held privacy in high regard although Im not sure I could have the same constaints!
I know he reads this website, but as it is in the supporters section I didn’t think he would see it. Anyway that means I probably won’t post here again, but thank you all for your support.

Consider joining the Private Supporters Group on this site. It took me a while to find out there was one and I wish I had been posting on it sooner. Only Supporters allowed....so he would never be able to see a post accidentally.

Wishing you the best.

 

[WTF Happened]

I finally told him that he would not dictate the narrative of my memories. He can have his perception but l’ll be damned if it’s mine.

Even with all I've learned about PTSD, I still struggle with this one - how memories, even recent memories, can become completely distorted. I understand that people can remember things differently, but when it comes to the objective reality of how things happened (eg. we were happy together) and then they tell you that YOU'RE wrong (we weren't actually happy!)... it's crazy-making. Because I understand it's what they believe with all their heart at that moment, and they can say it with such conviction that you really start to doubt yourself.