The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

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IT'S RAINING AGAIN!!!!!!!! THIS IS AWESOME! It's raining so hard it will probably put our two week fire out!!!!!

 

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It's still wet :) The fire isn't out yet, but, if this weather keeps in up, it won't be too long.
I've had some big pennies dropping, about my relationship to myself, my body.
I figured out why I, am, kind of, pathologically, addicted to pregnancy.

It's not just that my body is naturally deficient in oxytocin, that would be because of the autism and being induced at birth, it's that I suffer from contempt, disgust and shame about, and towards my body, any time I am not pregnant.

When I am pregnant, my relationship towards my body transforms, it feels miraculous, awe-inspiring and magical.

I don't have much of a sense of worth, or much of a sense of self, just for my own sake, I only do, in relation to how I can serve and care for other's.
Thanks, in huge part, to being raised by a "vulnerable narcissist" and then getting stuck with a "grandiose narcissist" for 20 years.

i'm tackling it though.

Doing yoga, daily, is treating my body with love, and being artistic is helping me form a sense of self, separate from my usefulness for other's.

 

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I overdid the yoga. I cancelled my T appointment tomorrow.
I trashed myself, not meaning to, it was too hot, I hadn't eaten enough for too many hours, and, obs, the yoga routine was too much.
Damn. Blady annoying.
So, I cancelled the T appointment, as I would have to wait around for hours and hours, catching an early bus in and then waiting til mid afternoon to get home at 3 it would take as long as a school day, just for an hour of councelling, so, I figured, nah.

I'm kinda of proud of myself.

My guy usually would take me, but he can't. And, usually, I would never cancel, but, I'm getting better at knowing my limits. Except today, I didn't with the yoga. Damn.
Still cancelling my new T, was actually, progress for me.:-)

 

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I got a call from the new T from an old counselling service. I really, really liked and felt comfortable with her. She is trying to reshuffle her other clients so I can fit in, in a time I can get there, if I need to catch the bus in.
I also got a call back from the new T I just started with. Still didn't get good feelings from her, but I'm not really listening to those feelings, because they could just be a trigger thing, coz she's english and reminding me of narcy mother and grandmothers.
It feels good to have the option of a back up T.
I will journal my experiences with T here.
Gonna do some "core building" yoga, and hopefully not wipe myself out today.:-)

 

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So today... I am loving myself. Really making progress doing that. After the "dropped pennies" of yesterday, day before, I am able to mindfully conjure up an aspect of myself that truly loves and respects me.
I am doing a lot of research into narcissistic abuse and also Aspergers/Autism 1 and it's helping me clearly see what I have been/am dealing with and be vindicated.
The flimsy sense of self that is actually, in, remarkably, good shape, all things considered, and, at the same time, is injured and not-abled in a way that other's may take for granted.
I have accepted and acknowledge that I deal with certain dis-able-abilities abd developmental delays that are not shared by, perhaps, a majority, of other's. My injuries, like many here, were exaserbated by years of self neglect, self abandonment, self ignore-ance and really, a significant deficit in a sense of self, at all. Much dissociation, much, much, much dissociation was necessary. And much therapeutic practise. I consider myself fortunate to have been able to have a career as a musical artist/vocalist/songwriter/composer, despite not being well enough or in functional enough peer circles to be able to capitalise on that, in a self sustaining way or business astute enough to have all my work honoured and supporting me. It's a shame. I acknowledge that I am a gifted musical artist, but was in a slave situation and stolen from.
The practise itself was worthwhile, was restorative, to my brain and endocrine system, so for that, I am immeasurably better off for doing it, than had I not.

Singing is good for producing oxytocin. I only found this out recently. No wonder I gravitated to that, as a lifestyle. I also, only recently found out how Aspergers/Autism 1 is characterized by a deficiency in the endocrine system's ability to produce oxytocin. No wonder I sang, excessively and has loads of babies and breastfed extensively, all ways to produce oxytocin.

No wonder, as an autistic, narcissist's supply victim, I was vulnerable to sexual exploitation too, also the bodies way of increasing oxytocin.

 

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I keep getting flooded by my guy and son's conversations. My guy gets heightened, irritated and insistant with my son and in the past its erupted into argument on, obviously, for me, too many occasions. Some of the fights have gotten pretty bad, my guy yelling a lot, ending up leaving to cool down, once my son dissociated really badly and then cut. So any way now, I just go into triggered mode, adrenal flooding, highly anxious, panicked, and now, I just have to leave

 

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It's all good. I'm still nervous as heck, but my guy came and got me after I ran away. They were fine. They talk and I just freak out over nothing.

 

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My daughter is here :) My big daughter. I'm so proud of her! She is doing so well with developing healthier boundaries! She put some in with her dad and I am so stoked!
He won't treat her like he treated me, I know that now, so relieved. He tried to get her back on pot, but that's never going to happen.

I know he knows that she is free to come and go so he has to work hard to get her back for his narcassistic supply, but it's not working!

She is a bit frustrated and sad, because her brothers are miserable, codependant, disempowered and hooked in to his narcy BS, but she is working on herself and forging a healthy and fullfilling life and leading the way out for them.

If only they would quit the druggy, avoidant, codependant cycle their dad has them hooked into.

Me and my guy took my 24 yr old son into the councellor who is helping him interface with victims services yesterday (yes, someone I lined up for him). Things are looking up for that relationship too, and I feel like he is moving out of despondancy and into action.

I think the fear of seeing his big brother in the state he is in is a wake up call.

That things could get a lot worse for him if he doesn't take action now.

I realise I am so focused on my children's welfare because I never had much of a sense of self and then I had children, so my sense of self and okness is bound up with their sense of okness.

I used to have a mantra, which was how I got through all those hell-on-earth years with their dad, it was "If my kid's are ok, then I'm ok" but it really didn't work very well. I was so not ok, so how could I teach my children to be ok?

Now I focus on being ok so I CAN help them learn to be ok. The problem is, my oldest is very not ok and I have to be ok with that.

The children that come to me or live with me I can support and help them learn to be more ok, though. That will surely ripple out and help them help other's.

My big girl (25) just left. We had a lovely time, inspiring and sharing knowledge and stories, with each other. I gave her lots of inspirational and informative books on empowered women and nutritional knowledge (stuff we share an interest in).

Things are GREAT with us now :).

Can I detach my sense of self from my kid's? I don't know. And I don't know if I should.

But I can't help my oldest son, yet, because he is SO bound up in this codependent enmeshment with his dad.


I am helping my other kid's cope with the situation though, and providing them a refuge from that unhealthy environment.

I am reading an amazing book called Healing and Recovery, by David R. Hawkins, MD., Ph.D. Its blowing my mind!!!! So good, so deep, so absolutely self empowering!!!!!!

 

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So...I'm thinking in part, my narcy ex is destroying my son to hurt me.
He knows my vulnerability, that my children mean more to me than I do to myself.
I don't think there is any limit of what he would do to hurt me or to try to destroy me.
It is working, in that, I feel helpless and hopeless to change the situation.
He still has such a hold on me, because of our kids.
Damn.
This situation is f*cking shit, in the utmost.
I have to trust that it will work out and that I will get to help my son and free him from this torture, that is destroying his mind.
It's not like you can call the police and say help! My ex is destroying our 29 yr old's mind!.
There is no help other than family member's that care. But my other kid's are treading water, just trying to keep their heads above water.
My mother is a vulnerable narcy cluster B type herself. My brother is an opiate addict. My partner is coping with his own narcy coparent(s, both mother's of his three children) and has a traumaic brain injury, and is working, and they aren't his kids so, he is supportive, but has to be more in the background.
Who would help a 29 year old young man who is being soul -sucked by a psychic vampire who happens to be his own father?
God, I guess. I will pray. Yeshua.

 

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This is still crazy making.
How much is just me being the unwell one? Still locked in to the echoes of codependence with both my mother and A, my ex?
How do I heal when my child is trapped, like I was, like my autistic son was, before I got him out?
Both me and my autistic son needed help to escape from the destructive and insanity-inducing hold of A.
I am not in contact with either narc that has crazy made me, but they still take up way too much space in my psyche.
I can't rescue my son and it's driving me crazy again.
I want my kid to be safe and taken care of and I can't do anything about it.

 

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I did a yoga routine, off youtube, with my fav online yoga teacher, Adriene, called "yoga for self-love".
I feel better.:-).

 

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Spent the afternoon/ early evening researching residential drug detox and rehab centres for my 24 year old. The quicker I can help him escape his dad and get clean the better.