I completely agree... I seem to be in the same spot and even a bit worse every day, just things in my Sons life my Daughters life and my own.. but the things in my kids lives absolutely destroy me because I love and want to protect them so much (some projection there because of how destructive neglect and abuse can be).
I want them to have what I didn't have, and my X is destroying that too. As soon as something good happens I get hopeful, then as often it does in life, especially mine it seems, everything goes to Hell real fast. Because of my being raised by a socio, every relationship I have had since has been toxic. I have two or three ppl I see about three times a year since my breakdown. Mostly texts, and that's where I blow it too. I just try to reach out for help and I get eye rolls. Sometimes no responses at all, and these ppl are family or ppl I have known over 20 years. They say they care, but the truth becomes painfully clear immediately. People seem so selfish. If it were me I would be trying to physically help that person, be researching, checking on them, looking for solutions actively - but I am bred to be an empath, and they didn't chose or didn't turn out that way, probably because they have no idea the Hell I have experienced (and thank goodness for that, I guess lol). Then I feel guilty for feeling 'poor me'. Its just a mind F 24/7. I just hate myself. At this point its just me and my Son who is autistic and doesn't have the ability to understand anything close to this complex (though he is very smart and intuitive) and in so many ways Im glad he doesn't - though brain trauma has similarities so I can relate to HIM so much more after my breakdown, so I liked feeling that connection to what goes on with him sometimes when stressed, though still makes me extremely sad because he is suffering from that feeling also. My Daughter is 17 and just doesn't want anything to do with me seemingly after I got sick and wasn't able to do as much for them.. even though she got to the point where she understands PTSD a little... and it could be just hormones, being a teen now, etc - but its almost like she does things to hurt me on purpose even though our relationship was so tight. But between me and her socio mother, I guess its not really much of a brag, but we seriously connected - she was in tune with the world and empathetic - well, used to be. She started even snapping at her brother or telling him to rush on things he physically cant do. I should have noticed more then, but I certainly pointed it out and was shocked at her because she was like me with him for so long. Again, not judging, kids are kids.. it was just uncharacteristic. its all hard to explain but I will try (but WHY??! lol)
I cant help but to think her Mother finally broke her after all the abuse and mind control being used on her, esp after the divorce where I couldn't be around to ensure her protection. Its so sick. Its so hard to witness every day from afar, the effects, and the stories.. my Son "Mommy yells at Sissy a lot.. I don't like it. I cover my ears so I don't hear it." OMG rips my heart out. All my work to try and reverse the effects and be in her corner and raise her self esteem seemed to all be in vain, I fail yet again after 17 years of trying so hard putting my heart & soul - showing her nothing but kindness, generosity, empathy &showering her with legit complaments and showering her with love but not obsessively so, just what I felt was 'normal' and felt healthy and natural (but do I even know what healthy and natural is?!). I helped teach her how to get her first job, manage money, buy her own things when we go shopping to get her used to paying for things herself and interactions involved with the cashiers, doing things her mother would never do because these socios and narcs just want their kids around to serve their needs forever, want them to be dependent on them and never teach them ins and outs of relationships, which ones are healthy, or how to simply navigate life or their own neighborhood.
I just don't get it. I keep telling myself (in my head) all those toxic societal sociopathic programmed responses in movies and TV (often written by mentally disturbed people) that are constant 'go to' phrases to use on anyone struggling: 'I get tired/depressed/anxiety too (as in, you aren't going through anything I, or anyone else does - you just keep fighting) - like, duh, how do you think I made it through to 47 after being homeless at 14, being abused by all three family members, and still making a 25 career for myself and becoming somewhat successful locally in music from having literally NOTHING (before the breakdown made these things impossible to continue),' "You need to forgive and move on', 'they had a tough life too, so...' and 'My parents did the best they could..' - like, the people parroting these 'go to' responses when they feel stuck, don't understand, or feel inadequate or insecure for not having a quick answer vs something thoughtful or compassionate. They often have more empathy for the perp than their friend... also I have been telling myself "who was there at each event that went horribly wrong? I was. Therefore, I am the problem - everyone else isn't to blame. Life isn't easy, sure... but they can handle it like you used to be able to, but now cant. And I feel since I researched a lot about this, why cant I just fix it?' on the same coin, I know why my mind keeps going in circles, its all about development and disrupted neural pathways because of repeated trauma as a child (then on through life creating more or putting myself in dangerous situations with dangerous people), and trauma when the brain is developing causes permanent 'mis-wiring' dysregulation. But lately, since my Daughter pulled what she did in January, I just cant shake the suicidal ideation - it was there the first two years, and then again the last year, so 3-4 years out of the 5? I love helping people/strangers but I am convinced its just falling into, or feeding the same destructive habits, the same twisted way I have always been, bending over backwards for others, even strangers, meanwhile I don't feed myself when im hungry, I don't sleep, I don't take care of me. How can I keep giving to get that programmed 'I feel great!" response, that has been twisted and exploited to the point it isn't even genuine, its just a robotic auto response - it was put there.
Anyway, I need to just stop turning a fast reply into a novel - but finally, "Lost" is a great description, I think - that's why my screen name came to be! I had to make a screen name after discovering this great site, and it was the best descriptor I could come up with at the time.
Thank you for listening.. your responses have been great. But please don't feel obligated to reply - you have so much on your own plate. only respond if you have something you want to share, not because of the empathy response I know we all have and struggle with. Sending virtual hugs if you wish to accept them...
I really feel a connection to all of you who have suffered. And CPTSD is PURE HELL of an existence. I don't even know at this point if my Son would miss me, or just keep being directed through life (and autism inherently cuts off the empathy and social norms/cues) so its almost like since he is the last thing I have left in my life, I love him and my Daughter more than anything in the world, but I am getting convinced the good I do is all in my hopes and dreams, like most of them, they too will be crushed, ineffective and incorrectly assessed. They were for my Daughter, after all - and what happened was THE LAST thing I ever expected. I think that was the straw that has me finally completely broken and unwilling to even fight anymore. And worse, she discarded me out of the blue, and just like a socio would do. Just like her mother would and my mother did. I was just horrifying. My angel did quite a number on me, and why? What did I do other than become sick, which SUCKS, but their lives I always stretched myself beyond my ability to just keep normalcy in their lives as much as humanly possible (at least I tried to, and I am pretty good at bending over backwards for people, ESP my kids!).
I just wish I could scrub my mind from all these memories and repetitive thoughts..!
Hope you are feeling better today... hope I didn't ramble too much - I have that problem when I have something I want to say it becomes a big loooooong text or post. Even that annoys me horribly about myself. I just constantly criticize myself just like my Step Father did, every day, 24/7.. all while my sister and Mother let it happen. Once the current man or source of supply for my Mother was tossed, she would then become the main abuser. The men would do it for her, making her seem innocent - but now I see she is just as much to blame, she was always there and NEVER stopped the abuse or defended me from the verbal onslaught. they all would hit me too mostly when she or others weren't around. I just knew deep down I was so sad and wanted to die, imagining my real dad who left at 2 yrs old would swoop in and save me. Once I met him again at 12 (my Mom went after him for support, so he said he wanted to get 'his moneys worth' - and started visiting me.. he was gifted me a gun and offered me beer 24/7, marijuana when he was real drunk & coke (12 yrs old, 45 min flight away from 'home'. He would drive me around drunk. And yes that gun found its way in my mouth quite a lot.. along with a few others I got my hands on (a shotgun at my grandmothers house that used to be her Sons). the only thing that would stop me, at least in my mind, was not wanting them to blame themselves for giving me access to the gun or shotgun, or the scene they would walk in on after being startled awake by the shot. But I wanted to end my life SO BAD. But kids just have this amazing & powerful resillience and a built in drive or feeling that things can get better if you just fight hard enough, or show these people I am not what they say... or I would get a girlfriend, or something else that would convince me I was worth something. Mostly girls, not helthy ones, but a constant distraction of girls and I would get so attached.
WHEW I want/need to write a book about my life. My posts just go straight into trauma town. I want to write the book because I forget or shut out so much that I went through that blows my mind.., but also to just sit back and read everything and feel like superman, to give me pride and hopefully feel like I can endure what most ppl cant or couldn't at that age. but I cant concentrate or focus like AT ALL on much of anything, even if very interested - and its also something that would help ME, so I don't care about doing it for very long and so its on the 'back burner' automatically. I started many times on paper, wrote a outline/timeline, and even tried dictating into a recorder. That's as far as I have got in 5 years. Also who other than myself would read it and even care?! See, here I go rambling ... sorry... take care, sincerely. Hpe this wasn't too much info or triggering.. and don't forget that you are amazing for still being a giving caring person after what you went through.
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