The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Deanna]

You are doing well, Mums. I know what its like to live in a small house with two girls. I did it once but they fought all the time. Me, my PTSD and " No Room", lost it after about 3 or 4 months.. Maybe 5 or 6 months ( it's been 4 years ago or something)

My advise is to realize your limits before you "get loud." Or, the time of-- I had one nerve left and I'll be dam*ed if you didn't step on it!!

 

[Sideways]

Just because your boys aren't the right audience? Doesn't mean you have no voice. You just have the compassion to pick your audience. Your ability to prioritise their needs? That will pay you back in time, as it has been as your children slowly return to embracing you.

That son hugging you is the future you're carving out for yourself. And it's built on strong foundations of love, compassion, and immense strength. Whenever you feel like your ex is still 'winning', remind yourself of the family you have reconstructed for yourself from courage, love and sheer determination.

 

[mumstheword]

You are doing well, Mums. I know what its like to live in a small house with two girls. I did it once but they fought all the time. Me, my PTSD and " No Room", lost it after about 3 or 4 months.. Maybe 5 or 6 months ( it's been 4 years ago or something)

My advise is to realize your limits before you "get loud." Or, the time of-- I had one nerve left and I'll be dam*ed if you didn't step on it!!

I definitely don't want to lose it!
I did that quite enough already, especially when I still lived with their father.
I had 4 children, under 5, in a bus, for the first years of parenthood.
Then another one, 21 yr old, the one staying, in a tiny bush shack (I lost it quite a bit back then).
And the last place I lived with all of them, 7 children and a vindictive guy, was a three bedroom. Pretty cramped. He has since built extra rooms in the garage and carport, after I left.
We slept in the loungeroom with the baby and my youngest daughter and yeah, I lost it way too much, there. He used to bait me. Just getting out of bed, he insisted on a stupid water bed, would have him on my case, upping me, for disturbing him while getting out of bed. He kept us up til all hours, every night.
I was losing it badly. Chronic pain, and never getting sleep, and 7 children (he sabotaged them going to school too, so they would be home constantly).

So, no more losing it, for me. That would damage this beautiful, new, trusting, healing relationship I have with my beautiful boy. Who hugged me so tenderly, for minutes, earlier today.

I need to put in some boundaries, though.
I m not super great with communicating expectations. I'm not so fawny anymore, but, I'm clunky, with parenting almost adults or just into adulthood young men, who are wrapped up in each other and not yet (especially my son) good at just pulling their weight.
It's no problem with my oldest daughter, she is very mature and offers to do things plenty.
Luckily, the boyfriend of son is pretty helpful at times. It's just me. Suddenly thown into parenting my seeking-refuge second youngest son. It's the uncertainty, I don't love so much.
He (my boy) asked if they could come up "for a few days" and then I said "stay as long as you like" so I'm not sure what they will do. I don't want them feeling like they have to go back to Dad's super stressful drug den crazy-making house, if they don't feel like it.
This is what I wanted. To help them transition into their own healthy, self-directed independent life. So suck it up mums.
I was falling in love with my quiet, alone time, yogini lifestyle and, well, I'm a parent, so, be the parent mums.

My yoga prac suffered a little for a day or so, but I can't afford that, so I'm back to it. Honestly, without that, I just don't know how I'd do it. Life, that is.

 

[mumstheword]

Just because your boys aren't the right audience? Doesn't mean you have no voice. You just have the compassion to pick your audience. Your ability to prioritise their needs? That will pay you back in time, as it has been as your children slowly return to embracing you.

That son hugging you is the future you're carving out for yourself. And it's built on strong foundations of love, compassion, and immense strength. Whenever you feel like your ex is still 'winning', remind yourself of the family you have reconstructed for yourself from courage, love and sheer determination.

This was so lovely to read! It's pretty true too.
I found it very comforting to read.
Thank you @Sideways.
I'm really enjoying all my boys here now. They are talking sciency stuff and joking and being chilled out awesome guys.

There is drama next door again. My neighbor is telling someone to f*ck off. Oh, I think it's her 14 yr old son.

My youngest just had our housing provider come over and give him a cheque for $800.00. He is going to build a computer. We applied for a grant and got it.
It's a good afternoon.:-)
I did some "Yoga with Adriene" I love her. I'm having a bit of a girl-crush on her. Not in a sexual way, I just love her. She is an AWESOME yoga teacher. Her youtube channel is my favourite yoga channel.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

My second born, autistic son rang (I think maybe all my boys and I could be on the spectrum, but N is the one with an intellectual disability as well, but boy, is he one of the most well, savvy, together and mature people in.the family now! (He is 27 now, but has been a very slow developer).
He is very worried about his big brother. He and I are the ones who have already been in this same position, being psychotically ill and in his dad's "care".
So he knows, full well, the danger that his big brother is in.
He wants to get his support workers to help his brother. I said "Maybe if you ask them to help YOU help your brother?" coz they can't really directly help his adult brother.
My 21 yr old and his bf went down to the dad's to make dinner, to help out.

I am profoundly disempowered, when.It comes to their dad. That's what f*cks with me.
I told my second born, maybe you can get through to him? Because he won't listen to me. In fact my experience is that he will do the opposite of what I want. If he knows what I want, it gives him something to actively thwart. But maybe, just maybe if my kid's keep telling him the truth, maybe, eventually, he will listen?

For instance, this weekend just past, my oldest son took a lot of valium, on top of already being psychotically ill. My second born wanted to call the ambulance, which is a normal response, but, no, dad wouldn't let him.
He is still giving my oldest pot, which is one of THE WORST things you can give a psychotically ill person. Pure torture.
This is what got my second born in state care, because I couldn't keep him from there. He was still in the "dad spell" and getting more and more deranged and ill and undernourished and underslept, which is what's happening to my oldest, right now.
So cruel.
He told my oldest daughter, just the other day "I could have healed him" (my second born) but the reality is, he made him SO ILL that someone told me, they had never seen a person in worse health. When I finally got him some support. Of course, she probably thinks I am a terrible parent, for my kid being like that.

 

[mumstheword]

I hate that I just sound like a big blamer.
But, this is my trauma journal and this is legit trauma stuff, so, I guess it's ok.

My underlying fear is that my ex is some one who experiences schadenfreude, which is delight or joy, in the suffering of other's. I saw him loving my suffering, so I know he was like that with me, definitely, but, I don't know if he's as pathological with our children.

If that is the case, then he cannot help but continue to actively sabotage any efforts my son makes, to get better.

He is definitely making himself the centre of my son's "support".
He did this with me, but was actively torturing me with sleep deprivation, enslavement, thwarting my kid's going to school, psychological abuse, drugging me and gaslighting me.

He has to be a lot more covert with his methods now though. With me, he actually and literally spent hours screaming, inches from my face, spitting in my face with his screaming "you're crazy, you're crazy, you're crazy". I just said, quietly, can you stop, you are triggering my PTSD, but he didn't stop. It wasn't long after this that I finally escaped.

But, now, I don't think he is doing anything overt at all. This worries me, because, there are children of mine who are still mired in his frame, at least to some degree. Of not knowing that he is a pernicious narcissist.

Somehow, they make excuses for him and minimize his behaviour, "Oh, he just has a big ego" which I do understand, because I used to do it too.

My poor ill son.

I'm sorry, I know I obsessing about this. I feel so bad, so guilty that I am not down there.

But I don't want to play into the narcs hands, and I want my son to do something to empower himself, or for my children to see what is happening and break the spell, the hypnotic spell that he has over them.

Sometimes things have to get very, very bad before people wake up, get red pilled, see what is actually going on, and, that they are being manipulated, taken for a treacherous ride. .

I have asked everyone to suggest that getting me involved is a good idea, but, I won't go down there without the permission. I'm not giving that f*ckwit an upper hand, because I know he will use it against me and our son.

If I go down there uninvited, he has more of a power advantage and he will use it, if I know him and I spent 20 years with him so surely I know something about him.

Some of my kid's are confusing me with praising him and making excuses for him, or just being totally non communicative, covering for him and keeping his toxic secrets. I find it hard. I don't want to badmouth him to them, that is just crappy parenting.


At this point, probably the best I can hope for, is for my son to be, so, on death's door, that he has no choice, but to have him admitted to hospital. Then I will be there in a flash.

It was a long saga when my second born got psychotically ill. About two years of back and forth. But he (dad) got sick of it and I got care of him and that made all the difference. Twice.

The mental health crew knew state guardianship would be better, as it is much more powerful, more resourced, and better boundaried than I.

I can't expect that to be a viable outcome for my oldest son.

The other "best case scenario" I can hope for, is, that he gets arrested and incarcerated.

They (he and my 24 yr old son) already got busted with plants, the other day. Yes, they grow pot in town, in a state where it is not legal.

But, I don't think that is likely, that the police will charge him with anything more.

This is a situation where one just has to give him enough rope (so he can hang himself) and just hope he doesn't hang our child with him. Like, literally, kill our grown up, but, presently, childlike, child, with his narcissism.
.

 

[Sideways]

The minute you get a call from your son that the older son is in the middle of a psychotic episode? You call the police to do a welfare check, and advise them that weed is being provided by his current carer to manage the condition.

That at least would have a chance of getting your son to hospital. And...I know. Where you are, that's almost worse than sending him to prison.

But it does offer your son the opportunity to be provided with the psychiatric care he needs, community based support (such as a community based ITO or outpatient treatment plan) to follow up, and you are absolutely allowed to visit him in hospital, and speak to the nursing staff about who you are, and what assistance (if any) you are able to provide if his care team deem that it's unsafe for him to return home.

This may come in the form of acting on his behalf as trustee to some degree. Since you're his mum.

Untreated active psychosis is grounds for involuntary hospitalisation - especially if the current carer is patently not providing adequate care.

Having said all that? I'm guessing you've considered and ruled out having a welfare check done in the past?

If that's the case, maybe look into any schizophrenia or mental health community outreach services in his area and call them. They may be willing to check in on him.

 

[mumstheword]

The minute you get a call from your son that the older son is in the middle of a psychotic episode? You call the police to do a welfare check, and advise them that weed is being provided by his current carer to manage the condition.

That at least would have a chance of getting your son to hospital. And...I know. Where you are, that's almost worse than sending him to prison.

But it does offer your son the opportunity to be provided with the psychiatric care he needs, community based support (such as a community based ITO or outpatient treatment plan) to follow up, and you are absolutely allowed to visit him in hospital, and speak to the nursing staff about who you are, and what assistance (if any) you are able to provide if his care team deem that it's unsafe for him to return home.

This may come in the form of acting on his behalf as trustee to some degree. Since you're his mum.

Untreated active psychosis is grounds for involuntary hospitalisation - especially if the current carer is patently not providing adequate care.

Having said all that? I'm guessing you've considered and ruled out having a welfare check done in the past?

If that's the case, maybe look into any schizophrenia or mental health community outreach services in his area and call them. They may be willing to check in on him.

Apparently, he has seen someone and has been prescribed seraquel, not sure how you spell it. But it isn't helping, is what my 24 yr old said. That being said, it's highly likely my ex isn't even giving it to him, and I know he's still getting him to take weed. He believes in weed like it's the almighty.
It's gotten to the point where the police have been called out, a few times, in regards to my second born, who goes over there for weekends, because he won't or doesn't, give him his medication.

I might call my second born's accommodation support people, it would be better if it comes from.them, a call to do a welfare check, by cops, than me. It would give the dad a lot of narcy victim points against me, if I did it directly, and frankly? I'm tired of being the bad guy. It has already hurt my kids immeasurably and had them missing out and scared to have a relationship with me for years.

 

[mumstheword]

My phone isn't working! Of all the days to screw up on me. I tried to ring.my son's supported accommodation, I tried to call him and the mental health line and nothing!!!
Ggggggrrrrrrr!!!!!

 

[Sideways]

Definitely try again when your phone is reconnected (yup, phone dropping out, sounds like Aus!) - agree with it coming from support providers.

Seroquel is one that definitely he's going to need to get clean for it to work, it can be a fiddle getting the right dose, and absolutely it's one you can't stop and start (incredibly painful and disabling headaches) particularly for a psychosis-condition dose.

Remember to find that place of calm inside like what you get when you're doing your yoga. Keep returning to that if you can. Because getting him out of this situation is a short term goal, but even with immediate action, this is a complex situation. You've got the stamina to last it out - you've shown that over and over with your kids, that you don't give up. Period. This is one of those situations.

Right there with you, rooting for you and a healthy outcome for your son. Big hugs warrior lady:)

 

[mumstheword]

Definitely try again when your phone is reconnected (yup, phone dropping out, sounds like Aus!) - agree with it coming from support providers.

Seroquel is one that definitely he's going to need to get clean for it to work, it can be a fiddle getting the right dose, and absolutely it's one you can't stop and start (incredibly painful and disabling headaches) particularly for a psychosis-condition dose.

Remember to find that place of calm inside like what you get when you're doing your yoga. Keep returning to that if you can. Because getting him out of this situation is a short term goal, but even with immediate action, this is a complex situation. You've got the stamina to last it out - you've shown that over and over with your kids, that you don't give up. Period. This is one of those situations.

Right there with you, rooting for you and a healthy outcome for your son. Big hugs warrior lady:)

Ya made me cry @Sideways.
Thank you.
Kindness and understanding can.do that to me.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm going to trust myself and my experience of this person, even in the face of my children's denial and naivety and even my guy feeling good about how my ex was "genuinely" grateful for the help the other day.
I know how covert and machiavellian he is, when he is in hoovering mode, and with "everyone else".

My guy does know what he is, but he is such a good guy, he is very forgiving and "in the moment" with people.

So, if I have to deal with him, I will trust myself, not other people's perception of him. I know what I went through with him. I know what my second born was put through too, and, he loves his dad but seems fully cognizant of the reality and the danger his brother is in.

My other kid's don't. They don't realise the extent of his malignancy. I can tell, by what they say.
They just want to love their dad. They all feel bad, but they don't realise the source.
Some of them are blaming my oldest son, but that is what he does. He sets someone else up.
I think he must get lots of "narcissistic supply" from "caring" for the "crazy person". It is really sick.

The drugging keeps the person ill, that and the covert abuse.

I really, really, really have to get my son out, somehow.

I have no idea how though, because that son? Has no idea how he is being gaslit and manipulated and psychically vampired on.

He thinks his dad loves him. He says he loves me, but he is so frightened of everything and everyone, at the moment.

This is a very malignant, toxic, dependency.

I want to get my other kid's on board, about an intervention. If they aren't with me, then my oldest will have no support to feel safe about the intervention.

His dad will frame it, to make it a violation rather that support and it will backfire and cause my son to retreat, even further, into his dad's "safe" "refuge" from the "evil world" and "bullying mum".

So this is a very delicate operation, like getting someone out of a cult. I can't do it without my other kid's on board.