The purpose of my post is to get the perspective of others about a painful event that led to the destruction of a long friendship. I don’t know how to frame it, whether to take action or say nothing. I want to share the context and see if any of you have thoughts about this situation. I feel so alone. Here is what happened:
I had been going through a very triggering time with my C-PTSD. I was having a lot of flashbacks and dissociation. I trust no one so often I don’t feel like I can be where I am at without being abandoned by people in my life. That is the pattern. C-PTSD, being as isolating as it is, leaves me feeling lost and alienated from everything. I had a friend of 20+ years, someone who does not understand trauma and has never really attempted to sit down and understand what I go through, called the police on me because she thought I was suicidal. I considered her to be my closest friend but I didn’t feel that she had a clue about what I was going through in reality. She knew I was struggling but was so caught up in her own life of racing her bike (competitively) that she really didn’t have any time for me. She didn’t even have a minute to talk on the phone, send an email, or even a text message. Events were compiling in a very problematic way for me and I was spiraling with my trauma. I felt despair, shame, hopelessness.... It was the week of my birthday. She wanted to celebrate my birthday. This shows how little she understood about where I was at. I knew that it was not safe for me to have her around because I felt strongly that I would have been judged then abandoned. I have always tried to hide when I am in severe trauma because of the shame. She called me. I was in a flashback. I had drank some wine, about two glasses, as I sat by the fire. She was saying things to me that were making me worse. I was pretty dissociated. I was planning to take a bath and use self-care to reign myself in. It was hard but I was doing what I could to manage myself given the state that I was in. I was not articulating myself well over the phone because when I am in trauma, my pre-frontal cortex shuts down (textbook trauma). I finally get off the phone with her. I go in my house for about 5 minutes and am getting ready to take a bath. The police are pounding at my door. I am terrified. Then they come in my house. Now, I really don’t feel safe. Because my brother was around, the police were willing to leave me in his care. It turns out that my friend called the police on me because she believed I was suicidal. I had no plan to commit suicide. I was in severe trauma and despair. She feels that she did the right thing. I feel damaged from the experience of having police officers in my home, uninvited, which left me feeling violated and vulnerable. I sent her extremely angry texts after she sent me a text that said “if I am ever suicidal, I expect you to do the same for me.”
We were extremely close for over 20 years. We spent the holidays together. I went to the doctors with her this past summer for a health scare she had. Now, I cannot imagine ever trusting her again. I have had her phone number blocked since the day the police showed up, almost 3 months ago. I am so tired of people not being there for me and then judging me. I am so angry. I try to understand it from her perspective. I really do. I just want to scream because I am so tired of people acting out of a lack of understanding about C-PTSD, which ultimately leaves me to suffer the consequences. I feel like I continue to lose everything because of it.
I had been going through a very triggering time with my C-PTSD. I was having a lot of flashbacks and dissociation. I trust no one so often I don’t feel like I can be where I am at without being abandoned by people in my life. That is the pattern. C-PTSD, being as isolating as it is, leaves me feeling lost and alienated from everything. I had a friend of 20+ years, someone who does not understand trauma and has never really attempted to sit down and understand what I go through, called the police on me because she thought I was suicidal. I considered her to be my closest friend but I didn’t feel that she had a clue about what I was going through in reality. She knew I was struggling but was so caught up in her own life of racing her bike (competitively) that she really didn’t have any time for me. She didn’t even have a minute to talk on the phone, send an email, or even a text message. Events were compiling in a very problematic way for me and I was spiraling with my trauma. I felt despair, shame, hopelessness.... It was the week of my birthday. She wanted to celebrate my birthday. This shows how little she understood about where I was at. I knew that it was not safe for me to have her around because I felt strongly that I would have been judged then abandoned. I have always tried to hide when I am in severe trauma because of the shame. She called me. I was in a flashback. I had drank some wine, about two glasses, as I sat by the fire. She was saying things to me that were making me worse. I was pretty dissociated. I was planning to take a bath and use self-care to reign myself in. It was hard but I was doing what I could to manage myself given the state that I was in. I was not articulating myself well over the phone because when I am in trauma, my pre-frontal cortex shuts down (textbook trauma). I finally get off the phone with her. I go in my house for about 5 minutes and am getting ready to take a bath. The police are pounding at my door. I am terrified. Then they come in my house. Now, I really don’t feel safe. Because my brother was around, the police were willing to leave me in his care. It turns out that my friend called the police on me because she believed I was suicidal. I had no plan to commit suicide. I was in severe trauma and despair. She feels that she did the right thing. I feel damaged from the experience of having police officers in my home, uninvited, which left me feeling violated and vulnerable. I sent her extremely angry texts after she sent me a text that said “if I am ever suicidal, I expect you to do the same for me.”
We were extremely close for over 20 years. We spent the holidays together. I went to the doctors with her this past summer for a health scare she had. Now, I cannot imagine ever trusting her again. I have had her phone number blocked since the day the police showed up, almost 3 months ago. I am so tired of people not being there for me and then judging me. I am so angry. I try to understand it from her perspective. I really do. I just want to scream because I am so tired of people acting out of a lack of understanding about C-PTSD, which ultimately leaves me to suffer the consequences. I feel like I continue to lose everything because of it.
