Friend who doesn’t understand trauma, called the police on me...

[joeylittle]

I have a 20year friend who understands and respects me on many levels. If he did have concern he would come check on me long before he would call police. But that being the case is because he knows what to do based on our agreements. If you had no prior agreements and want to see if you can patch this up then start there. If she wont listen and join you in making a safety plan that respects you both then curtail it.

^^^
(I bolded the really important bit, but the whole post is right on point)

I had a friend of 20+ years, someone who does not understand trauma and has never really attempted to sit down and understand what I go through

It took me a long time to fully grasp that if I wanted people to react to my illness in a specific and informed way - it was my responsibility to communicate about it.

In other words, I needed to be willing (and able) to really talk with them about what I was dealing with. For me, being ready included having done enough work in therapy to be able to talk about the disorder and enough of the trauma to provide a context, without losing myself in emotion or dissociation.

I know it's a very hard thing to do. But - do you feel like you've made a solid and clear attempt to tell her what the disorder is, how it affects you, and get honest about what helps and what hurts?

 

[Jade-]

@MlleD How has a friend of 20 years never got to know you well enough to understand what you go through or how to help you? How was this the first time this friend has ever had to deal with an experience like that in 20 years?

I'm sure she probably was extremely concerned and wasn't sure how else to help and did the best she could.

 

[joeylittle]

I guess I might not feel as angry if I felt like she had made a stronger effort to actually be there for me as a friend, with compassion.

Just tagging on - I do understand this. I think what you need to remember is, our friends aren't at all trained (or often, even educated) in what these mental illnesses are. They are either totally in the dark, or operating from some amount of information, some of which might be wrong.

one of the big things everyone knows, though, is that suicide is serious and if you're afraid someone is in danger, call emergency services.

It's a double-edged sword - I'm glad there's suicide awareness. I just wish it wasn't the only thing the public has any education about.

There are lots of different ways to talk with the people in your life about what you need. And it's really frustrating sometimes that we need to jump what feels like another hurdle - educating people. But they really won't know, otherwise.

 

[Sideways]

Perhaps revisit this issue with your friend when you're feeling more stable. Because it would be sad to throw out a 20 year friendship over 1 (big) problem.

Just as an alternative to how you're seeing this now: your friend seems to be in a no-win situation right now. On the one hand she wasn't giving you enough of her time, on the other hand she wanted to celebrate your birthday, and called you when you seem to have been having a really rough night.

She's known you for 20 years, and presumably never called in a welfare check on you before. So, you may not remember, but you said something during that phone conversation that was not your normal, from her perspective. She'd never done this before - so something about this conversation had her particularly concerned.

Miscommunication. Can lead to very hurtful outcomes. But a reason to cut ties with her? Maybe that's a bit tough on her. She didn't call the cops to scare you, she called them because she was concerned about you.

 

[Friday]

I was NOT suicidal.

How is that relevant? She’s not a highly trained trauma therapist whose assessment of your mental state is the bottom line. As you say, she doesn’t even understand trauma, at all. You also say you were deep in trauma & despair... if that’s outside of her balliwick, why be mad at her for misunderstanding how much pain you were in? Instead, she saw you in pain and despair, and was afraid for you.

She was wrong about your state of mind, but her actions are still based off of that evaluation.

When she was afraid for you? She tried to save your life. When push came to shove, she valued you & your life, above all else, including your friendship. Because you know, when you call the cops on someone, that it’s likely the end of the friendship. So If she called, she might lose a friend, but if she didn’t call, you might lose your life. She cared about you, and what you stood to lose, more than she cared about herself, and what she stood to lose.

Those are the actions of someone who loves you. She valued you above herself. And made the hard call.

Sounds like a pretty damn good friend, to me.

 

[Chris-duck]

She cared about you, and what you stood to lose, more than she cared about herself, and what she stood to lose.

This.

 

[MlleD]

I am hearing what you are all saying. It is very important to me and I am taking it to heart.
The questions that are being asked are right on point.
I have always had to hide my pain from trauma from the people in my life. Moreover, I have always struggled to understand what is going on when it is going on, let alone articulate it to someone else. I have been shamed about my behavior since I was very, very little (under the age of 5). Over time, I have learned that people will abandon me if I don’t hide and act like there is nothing wrong. I have suffered in silence. I think I have accumulated relationships that are very superficial as a result. There are relationships that are deeper than others but this friendship just isn’t one of those. Our friendship is based on the fact that I was her children’s nanny over 20 years ago when she was a single parent. Her loyalty to me is based on that more than anything. She is very consumed by herself and usually our time together is about fun. My life has always been hard but in my late 30’s to now (I’m 46), everything hit the wall at once. This has caused my C-PTSD to rise to the surface almost daily and the fun loving person I used to be is gone. My ability to sit and listen to her go on and on about shit that is so trivial compared to what I am going through is gone. I just can’t do the one-sided relationships that I always have done in the past when I am in the midst of profound suffering. She knows that I have been suffering but I don’t think she gets it.

It just hurts like hell.

 

[Chris-duck]

So, I get that. Some people just aren't equipped to support people through their mental health issues. And that's fine if it's what both people understand about the friendship. So maybe you need more from friends than she can offer, its fine to move on. But she didn't act wrongly, maybe from a place of misunderstanding, but still in your best interests as far as she knew how.

Maybe look at your support network and who you can trust and not trust with your stuff? Like boundaries and things. Do you have a T?

 

[Ronin]

Twenty darn years of loyalty sure don't sound superficial to me.

Or that she is superficial. She is willing to get you help when you can't stand yourself. When you're at your bad. When you drink to drown all of your life out.

Not many people do that. The superficial drinking & good times buddies would bail by the moment you first get incoherent and the not caring shallow friends would go by the time you go for a drink...

Not stick right by your side.

And, being there for each other with new kids? Yeah, one of the toughest times a person can be there for. Not leaving each other right then means a lot of care.

You're firing into your own lines here.
Betrayed about other people in your life, taking it out on her, for a right and caring call.

 

[MlleD]

How is that relevant? She’s not a highly trained trauma therapist whose assessment of your mental state is the bottom line. As you say, she doesn’t even understand trauma, at all. You also say you were deep in trauma & despair... if that’s outside of her balliwick, why be mad at her for misunderstanding how much pain you were in? Instead, she saw you in pain and despair, and was afraid for you.

She was wrong about your state of mind, but her actions are still based off of that evaluation.

When she was afraid for you? She tried to save your life. When push came to shove, she valued you & your life, above all else, including your friendship. Because you know, when you call the cops on someone, that it’s likely the end of the friendship. So If she called, she might lose a friend, but if she didn’t call, you might lose your life. She cared about you, and what you stood to lose, more than she cared about herself, and what she stood to lose.

Those are the actions of someone who loves you. She valued you above herself. And made the hard call.

Sounds like a pretty damn good friend, to me.

The tone of this post is not helpful.

 

[Deanna]

My ability to sit and listen to her go on and on about shit that is so trivial compared to what I am going through is gone. I just can’t do the one-sided relationships that I always have done in the past when I am in the midst of profound suffering. She knows that I have been suffering but I don’t think she gets it.

It just hurts like hell.

She's a normee ( normal) of-course she doesn't get it. At least your honest in the last part of your post ( which is good) I have one real friend and she would be here in a minute for me.. But I don't expect her to understand PTSD. PTSD is understood by/ with PTSD.

I see why you're upset about her calling the police on u. It just shows more divisions on your relationship.

Sorry, this happened to you. You scared her.

 

[MlleD]

So, I get that. Some people just aren't equipped to support people through their mental health issues. And that's fine if it's what both people understand about the friendship. So maybe you need more from friends than she can offer, its fine to move on. But she didn't act wrongly, maybe from a place of misunderstanding, but still in your best interests as far as she knew how.

Maybe look at your support network and who you can trust and not trust with your stuff? Like boundaries and things. Do you have a T?

Yes, I have a therapist who is trauma informed. I see her regularly.