Eliminating my abuser will help me

[Rose White]

No it will not. It will not remove any of the shame I feel over my poor coping techniques. It would add to my shame. Going after my abuser would not give me any advantage in healing. This is worth calling the hotline to talk to someone about. I can do it.

 

[Rose White]

I did call the hotline. Good for me. I didn’t really do it “right” though. But that’s okay. I can call back tomorrow and the next day. It’s enough that I tried. I just talked all over myself, trying to soothe myself. It’s okay that I did it wrong. Because even more wrong would have been not calling at all.

 

[Ronin]

That's one of the... stuff that wouldn't help you even if you were in a very legal & justified position for it.

Much less when you're not. We'd be here tomorrow if I started on why it's a bad idea... even purely emotionally/mentally.

So good on seeking the actual helpful care.

 

[Rose White]

stuff that wouldn't help you even if you were in a very legal & justified position for it.

Right. Right. Even though someone could have legally killed him in my state when he did that, it didn’t happen in my state and someone didn’t use deadly force to stop him when he did it.

Someone did not use deadly force on my abuser to stop him from committing a crime. So it happened and it is over.

It happened and it is over.

I can’t stop him from doing it by removing him now. That would not stop him from doing it. And it would not be useful for me as a person. To do that. Would not be useful for me as a person.

 

[Ronin]

Figured I might elaborate even tho topic super personal.

Killing is a bad idea b/c...

If you had any relationship, it will gut you.
If you hadn't, you might still fall into the what ifs. About their life. And second chances. And what could have beens. Which gets much worse than what was.

Even if what was got bad.
Because there's this nonexistant space, void, and you're responsible for all of it. It corrodes the past, makes you not just a victim of it but someone who could have *stayed* just a victim, lines clear...

And didn't.

It's the opposite of relief and freedom people take it for.

And even your word choice, eliminate?
Suggests distance and cleanness that's never there.

Not even starting on, he might hurt you bad or kill you if you try, and he gets that's what you're doing.

Or you might hurt yourself in the process.

It's so not the goal.
Your goal is away, secure, non contact, healing.

And yeah, if who you are talking about is your Dad... just don't. Not because families are holy or all that puritanical nonsense. But because you have a clear line between him and you, even if he violated you in unspeakable ways otherwise.

Don't let him have that clean, him free, caring space of your heart too.

 

[Rose White]

someone who could have *stayed* just a victim, lines clear...

Lines clear, lines clear, lines clear.

and he gets that's what you're doing.

*blink* *blink*

Don't let him have that clean, him free, caring space of your heart too.

Don’t. Let him have. That clean space. Of your heart. Too. Don’t let him have that clean space of your heart too. Don’t let him. Have it. Too. Have that too. That’s yours. That’s yours to have.

 

[Ronin]

Damn straight.

I know it's super hard right now. And that you're scared so much. And prolly mad at everyone who it feels has done nothing to help. And feeling betrayed. That's okay.

You're doing amazing. You'll get through this, and you will be okay.

Keep reaching out, okay?
To the helpline, to the cops if you're in immediate danger or it's gotten so bad in any way you don't know what to do. They're on your side, not on his.

If he has a few crooked buddies in the force, that's just it. Bad eggs everywhere. They'll get their justice in time.

You need to focus on yours.
Your life. Future. Healing. Getting happy. Getting to a place in life all this becomes just a really bad memory.

 

[Rose White]

Figured I might elaborate even tho topic super personal.

Thank you so much for elaborating in spite of it being personal. Really helpful for grounding me.

Future. Healing. Getting happy. Getting to a place in life all this becomes just a really bad memory.

Step. Step. Step.

 

[mumstheword]

I had someone offer to take out my ex. I was "no thank you".
I am not going to let him turn me into a bad person, then he wins, he turns me to the dark side, where HE lives.

No way.

My motto is; my best revenge is MY success, MY happiness, MY getting what he tried to prevent me having; health, life, freedom, prosperity, sanity, good relationships with my children, support, peace of mind and I'm doing it and he is coming apart at the seams and exposing himself to people, the mask is slipping and I don't feel alone, being the invisable victim, anymore, while I get gaslit and deemed "insane". I am proving myself, that I am not the abuser, as he tried to frame me as, I was deeply hurt, nearly killed, and made unwell from the abuse, but I AM getting well and he is losing it and I don't have to do anything for that to, karmically, happen.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, if not, I m sorry for ranting and blurting my stuff on your thread, but, I do understand the struggle. My struggle is still with constant angry thoughts towards my ex, and I know they are not healthy and I am making progress. I am also frightened of him hurting other's and he has hurt all our children, some quite badly. One is in a mental health hospital, in acute care, as we speak, as he became his dad's "narcissistic supply victim" and he doesn't even get what's been done to him yet.

Luckily, he is moving into some longer term sub acute" care facility and out of his dad's clutches, for longer.

I do find myself longing for my abuser/co-parent/ex s death, sometimes, though. I sort of look forward to that happening, that's for sure, as I haven't any hope that he will change and that's sad.

 

[Rose White]

if who you are talking about is your Dad..

Yes, it is.

MY getting what he tried to prevent me having; health, life, freedom, prosperity, sanity, good relationships with my children, support,

He did try to prevent me having that. But he can’t anymore. And even if he pretends like he wanted the best for me (I don’t know because I’m no contact) he didn’t actually. I need to admit that he was no good and let that go. I can’t pretend like he’s someone that he’s not. He already showed who he is and it’s done. I need to accept that.

I don't feel alone, being the invisable victim, anymore,

I know I can do it. I do feel that sometimes. I feel that a lot of the time. This chunk of self-doubt is... measurable... but not bigger than me.

Thank you mum’s for sharing your experience. I’m hearing you say that you know how rough it can be but that it does get better, and that while my feelings are understandable, it’s important to recognize that my thoughts have negative effects on my body which go against my overall goal of living MY best life.

 

[Sarah1025]

I did call the hotline. Good for me. I didn’t really do it “right” though. But that’s okay. I can call back tomorrow and the next day. It’s enough that I tried. I just talked all over myself, trying to soothe myself. It’s okay that I did it wrong. Because even more wrong would have been not calling at all.

Be careful. You could get cops at your house. Calling a hotline when suicidal helped give me much more PTSD, ruined my ability to volunteer, had me handcuffed and taken to a hospital.

Calling one with violent ideations is a mistake. Talk to someone. Not a hotline. You might ruin your life, ruin your job, end up in a cell or hospital for 72 hours or more.

Figured I might elaborate even tho topic super personal.

Killing is a bad idea b/c...

If you had any relationship, it will gut you.
If you hadn't, you might still fall into the what ifs. About their life. And second chances. And what could have beens. Which gets much worse than what was.

Even if what was got bad.
Because there's this nonexistant space, void, and you're responsible for all of it. It corrodes the past, makes you not just a victim of it but someone who could have *stayed* just a victim, lines clear...

And didn't.

It's the opposite of relief and freedom people take it for.

And even your word choice, eliminate?
Suggests distance and cleanness that's never there.

Not even starting on, he might hurt you bad or kill you if you try, and he gets that's what you're doing.

Or you might hurt yourself in the process.

It's so not the goal.
Your goal is away, secure, non contact, healing.

And yeah, if who you are talking about is your Dad... just don't. Not because families are holy or all that puritanical nonsense. But because you have a clear line between him and you, even if he violated you in unspeakable ways otherwise.

Don't let him have that clean, him free, caring space of your heart too.

Eliminate can be done with no contact. A new city even. You can get rid of your abuser forever, by never seeing them again.

If you do violence you will let them win. They will ruin your life for several more decades.

 

[joeylittle]

Talk to someone. Not a hotline

Or, make sure you know how to talk to a hotline, safely. I agree that there can be risk. But sometimes, there isn't anyone else to connect with.

I’m hearing you say that you know how rough it can be but that it does get better, and that while my feelings are understandable, it’s important to recognize that my thoughts have negative effects on my body which go against my overall goal of living MY best life.

This is really well-summated. Maybe write it down on something and stick it to the wall?