Abandonment issues

[Vero]

Hi! I thought about sharing this, maybe someone can relate and help me because I'm stuck...
I have some abandonment issues rooted in childhood and throughout my life I got into a pattern of being overly attached to authoritive figures like teachers, aunts and uncles, pastors, etc. Even if on the outside you couldn't tell and I would keep a reasonable distance, in my heart I was craving for their attention and understanding. I would play these movies in my mind where I would talk to them and spend time with them almost as if they were my mom and dad. But this also came with so much fear of them leaving me, which sometimes would happend naturally: I would graduate highschool and never see that teacher again or my aunt could move away, etc. Even small things like not showing up for a meeting or answering a phone call could make me feel very distressed.
Even though I understand why I react like this, I don't know how to change it. I wonder if I will always feel like this and I just have to accept it. I admit I'm tired of these abandonment feelings and I so wish it could go away...

 

[Rani G2]

have some abandonment issues rooted in childhood

@Vero Can relate Vero! It is painful to go through these waves of emotions! Having dealt with abuse, relocating from one city to another, Parents leaving you in a boarding school when you are 8-9 yrs old... ect ect.

In my case I cut myself off emotionally to never ever want that needing of connection. From what I've understood so far its called dismissve attachment style. I dont get close to anyone because I do not want that "wanting". I'm married, but I never had any friends, so I'm still learning. A few years ago I was in a group travelling, I always tried to get away from them because I dont want the feeling of "I want their attention",It is there, but my mind says, "Show everyone how independent and tough you are", ofcourse this means that I'm suffering internally. What I'm trying to do is get in touch with that inner abandoned child through Body work and Yoga. Still in the process..

 

[DharmaGirl]

I've worked on this a lot in therapy. I played the movies in my head so much that I spent more time there than the real world. Therapy helped me learn to be present and to learn to connect in a more healthy fashion. At least I'm trying to connect. I'm doing ok with that now. Good luck to you, it is a extremely difficult thing to heal, but it can be done.

 

[Vero]

@Rani G I also struggle with allowing myself to "need" connection with other people and there are a lot of things that play into it, like the feelings of being unworthy of connection. Unfortunately that also ended up hurting others because I would be so distant and not engaging with them.

@DharmaGirl Thank you for the hope that you can heal this, I brought it up with my therapist but he didn't seem to know how to guide me in that process. I spend most of my free time in this "fantasy world" because it somehow soothes that wounded part of me but it doesn't change anything in the real life...I tried to stop going there but it's still my coping mechanism.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would expect abandonment, connection and attachment are also separate entities. I understand abandonment, and it cuts deeps even as an adult, or if it occurs again as an adult. Or is the perception skewed at times? Maybe. But I had no mentors nor desire for them, and avoid/ avoided/ (fear) authority figures if possible. I don't try to be tough nor am I. I expect independence because I don't know of alternatives, but I know support helps, and is said to be crucial. I expect I also have a dismissive attachment style, but I connect easily (though I also fear I'm 'not worth it'). But attachment, I'm not sure I even understand it. A lot of attachment has a negative payback, seems to me. It's ok if it's not someone who does things that hurt, but when they do, I really question if any of it is worth it.

Idk, I think the most realistic ways to work on abandonment issues are to take responsibility, express your fears & questions, communication, and don't surround yourself with people who will repeat what you know.

Idk also, I think I once read like neglect it's not just or even so much what was done wrong, but what didn't happen that should have. I actually don't think it's something that will ever go away entirely.

Best wishes to you.