How did your session go?
I probably feel exactly the same as you, and by the time I see T at the end of this week it will have been almost 2 weeks and I normally go twice a week. Can't imagine waiting even longer. Don't think I could do that. I think I would lose all connection with them and quit.
I also don't want to go and feel needy or behave in a childish way. When I feel like that I want to curl up into a ball but I can't move. It's very odd.
I don't think you're odd at all. What IS odd is how I act when I feel like that, I practically do exactly that. I turn sideways in my seat and prop my elbow on my knee, and then cover the side of my face that is exposed to my T... So I'm practically curled up into a ball. And then I even go mute. Yeah, so mature.?
I guess early learning experiences and my default fear is that I will be dismissed/laughed at/let down etc.
Before the break I was all like "i need to say absolutely everything and tell my t stuff and really felt desperate to be heard" whilst now I feel like I've pulled back and I fear I might end up sitting there numb (not that I want to be I just feel it).
I don't know. It is so hard and I feel stupid.
Hhhnnnghhhh, and you're not stupid. I've had bad early experiences with opening up too, I totally get how you feel (I think). I legit ask T if they're mad/upset with me, like all the time now... Still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I think therapy is just a hard thing period, though? I think you seem to be doing pretty well tbh! Having the courage to go back after dumping a bunch of personal stuff out there... you should give yourself more credit.
Maybe you have attachment related fears? I think that's part of it for me. I'm constantly going back and forth between desperation to be heard, then feeling like I am being "too much" (needy, immature, emotional). Maybe back to our earlier experiences... we learned that trusting people wasn't always safe.
Something that works for me (or against me, not sure yet) is to write between sessions. Then I can either email or bring it with me. So even if I do shutdown in session, they know what's going on. Of course, then I do like you did and share a whole bunch of stuff because I think I need to get it all out NOW, and then I get embarrassed later and shutdown even worse... But maybe the positive is that over time I see my T doesn't get rid of me. So maybe your push/pull feelings can calm down in time? Seeing that your T still accepts you just the same?
Ugh, don't think I'm helping, just rambling... Just meant to say I think I understand you!
