Disconnect from past self, no compassion

[Strangelongtrip]

Has anyone hit this point? My symptoms are manageable (until I spiral, but those are usually a few days and I'm able to still "participate" in "society" which is a whole other rant but), I don't necessarily think about my trauma all the time. But I feel a lot of shame and self-hatred for the time that I spend really "sick" with PTSD. I think about like...who I was and I'm embarrassed. The things I did were embarrassing. I'm honestly still embarrassed about who I am now sometimes but it's more about personality or saying dumb things, not disorder.

I have a hard, hard time finding any compassion for myself. I just want to forget about it and move on, but there's still things that I struggle with, especially with trusting people and relationships (romantic, friendships or business relationships). But I'd rather just ignore it. I don't want to be defined by what happened to me anymore. I don't talk to almost anyone about it because I just feel like no one cares, it happened a long time ago. I don't care about it anymore, and most of the bad memories have been integrated.

I don't know if I'm just burnt out. I healed a lot in the past two three years, and maybe I just need to plateau for a bit. I still feel depressed like, most days. It's just that I still get stuff done so like, if it's not affecting my work ethic or like, ability to socialize then does it really matter? I was on Effexor for a while and it messed up my heart rate but it made me feel like I was on some sort of upper. Like, I felt so happy all the time and got so much stuff done and I could wake up in the morning and it didn't take me an hour to get out of bed. I didn't feel like I was slugging through molasses all the time. I don't feel like doing anything. But I know just laying in bed is worse so I get up and do things. It's like the depression hasn't gone away I'm just better at dealing with it.

I'm reading a book where one of the main characters has depression and anxiety and self harms. I haven't cut in nearly a year, but reading his chapter, how well they described depression...it made me both feel grateful I'm not totally in that fog anymore and also made me realize I'm still in the dang fog. I don't have the self harm urges anymore, but reading that, man. It's like looking back on a trail to see how far you've come but also looking ahead on the trail and realizing there's so far left to go and wanting to just lie down in the dirt and stay there.

 

[pam4him]

First, I see much strength in your post. You have come a long way and recognizing the achievement is a big step. Second, overcoming ptsd is not a quick fix, more like treating diabetes. It's never truly gone, and I know it's not fair. But if you look at it like a long term illness, perhaps recognize even those have who have one have good days and bad days. It may help to continue working through symptoms. Dealing with ptsd is kind of like a spiral. We come back to some same symptoms, but we get a little better at recognizing and dealing with them each time. Any progress is still progress. Prayers for peace, continued strength and wisdom.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

thank you @pam4him ? I ended up I'm in a real old fashioned episode now, just really anxious and panicky and depressed. I finally got some sleep but everything is irritating me and I want to cry and scream at the same time. I was so good for so long I just feel so down on myself.

 

[pam4him]

Try not to view it as a setback. Just a bad day. Kind of like the trite saying, "It's just a bad chapter, not the whole book." A good story requires conflict and resolution to keep the reader interested. And where do authors find such conflict? From stories like yours, mine and many others. The stress of "being so good for so long", leads into the "bad" moment. It's not about being good or bad, it's about recognizing it's a tough day, working through it and celebrating the victory. You got this!

 

[Friday]

Has anyone hit this point? My symptoms are manageable (until I spiral, but those are usually a few days and I'm able to still "participate" in "society" which is a whole other rant but), I don't necessarily think about my trauma all the time. But I feel a lot of shame and self-hatred for the time that I spend really "sick" with PTSD. I think about like...who I was and I'm embarrassed. The things I did were embarrassing.

The first time around I only have a few regrets... and I was a helluva lot more symptomatic, violent to the nth degree, and left a trail of wreckage in my wake a mile wide that time around... but I was also largely on my own. I’d pulled away from the people I loved, so managed to protect them from the worst of that particular storm.

The second time around is virtually nothing but regrets. Roiling, nauseating, shame. I failed in both my duty and responsibility to protect me & mine, lost everything, and there is not a single decision or action that I’ve taken that I can look upon with satisfaction, much less pride.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well there's one Big decision, to protect and love and advocate for your son, and stick around, despite it (even if for his sake) @Friday . And the actions of all you help here (myself included)..

 

[Strangelongtrip]

A good story requires conflict and resolution to keep the reader interested. And where do authors find such conflict? From stories like yours, mine and many others.

I hope this makes my own stories I write interesting!! haha I have all the experience!!
Thank you @pam4him I'm still having bad anxiety spells but I'm adapting better around it. I think it was slightly better today than yesteday and that's what matters. I just had one panic attack tonight instead of the four or so I had yesterday :)

The first time around I only have a few regrets... and I was a helluva lot more symptomatic, violent to the nth degree, and left a trail of wreckage in my wake a mile wide that time around... but I was also largely on my own. I’d pulled away from the people I loved, so managed to protect them from the worst of that particular storm.

The second time around is virtually nothing but regrets. Roiling, nauseating, shame. I failed in both my duty and responsibility to protect me & mine, lost everything, and there is not a single decision or action that I’ve taken that I can look upon with satisfaction, much less pride.

I am terrified of getting close to people and of....wanting something, anything because of this. I feel like I destroy most things. I do have some good relationships and a business but it's not..commitment. It's not what I want my life to be. I feel like the minute I have what I want I'll wreck it.

 

[Ronin]

I feel like the minute I have what I want I'll wreck it.

That's a challenge ;)

Or two challenges.

Learn how to not wreck it...

Or f*ck up with style.

That, hopefully, makes better headlines, even tho such a wreck.

 

[Ronin]

@Friday regrets tell Could have done *better*... Not that you did *bad*.

And sure shit it's good you know what could be done better. Better yet, where your personal needed-betters are.

That means you look out for pack proper.

Much like ain't a fault of a wolf to not outrun a gunner that viciously waited up. That wolf still watched out. That wolf still was the strength of the pack.

 

[grit]

A lot of people get stuck in this phase:

I don't necessarily think about my trauma all the time. But I feel a lot of shame and self-hatred for the time that I spend really "sick" with PTSD. I think about like...who I was and I'm embarrassed.

and I am glad you articulated so well.

You have come a long way. Your knowledge is a gift.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @grit :)
I’m still flared up today, but I’m doing things I would have avoided like grocery shopping or work. And I’ve learned to adapt in ways I never thought possible