General Question About Contact

[BrightSmile]

I want to give a big shout out of thanks for starting this discussion! I am a supporter. I met my guy friend 3 1/2 years ago right after my divorce from a 20 year marriage to an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. So in some ways I am discovering I too suffer from some aspects of PTSD(dreams ect) so I think that is why I have been so patient and understanding. Aside from our deep connection we share when we are together.
My guy is a combat vet in the Army which I knew from the get go but was unaware what role he played. We have never been in a quote on quote relationship he works long hours as a construction company owner. I knew something was off but mind you I hadn't dated in 20 years was just enjoying my new freedom. Three months into going out a handful of times he must have had a trigger he picked a fight over something dumb and pushed me away. 5 months later I couldn't get him out of my head and sent him a text and we reconnected. He did it again a couple months later but this time a few months he came back but this time while he was gone he was always keeping an eye on me on Match where we met originally. This same thing happened again I got wise and told him not to come back until he was certain that he wanted to be with me. He of course came back and said he didn't want anyone else and then opened up about he was a helicopter pilot in Iraq and flew burn victims. I now knew none of this was about me and he worked to escape and now has a service dog to help but has not seen a counselor but I could be wrong. He had a major trigger last year for 7months and was gone except for the occasional how are you text. I got frustrated and sent him a text to wish him the best I needed to move on. He responded right away and said he wanted a relationship I know to keep me around because he is not capable because that lasted 2 days and he came up with an excuse of an issue with his son which yes it was major. Well I came up on a hard time and needed him lost my job. Just texted that I could use a hug had a rough couple of weeks. He immediately responds with how sorry he is but he is also having a rough time with his mom being Ill and other problems. I don't know if this is true for all of you survivors but if you are having problems you don't have spoons left for other people's issues? I was a little hurt but just told him how sorry I was and would be praying for his mom and would be there if he needs me. I always offer support when he needs it. I wished him a happy Thanksgiving he always replies and same at Christmas but I got frustrated and havent reached out to him since then and decided to let him come to me. I am having such a hard time navigating this I really care about him but I don't know if he will ever let me in and that hurts. I would walk through the fire with him if he would let me but on the other hand and he knows this I am a very young looking 48 year old who has no trouble getting a date. Do you guys feel better having the supporter come to you or you to them. I am afraid that he is going to take me being there for granted.
Again thank you everyone for your insight!! Sorry for the long book.

 

[Deanna]

I want to give a big shout out of thanks for starting this discussion! I am a supporter. I met my guy friend 3 1/2 years ago right after my divorce from a 20 year marriage to an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. So in some ways I am discovering I too suffer from some aspects of PTSD(dreams ect) so I think that is why I have been so patient and understanding. Aside from our deep connection we share when we are together.
My guy is a combat vet in the Army which I knew from the get go but was unaware what role he played. We have never been in a quote on quote relationship he works long hours as a construction company owner. I knew something was off but mind you I hadn't dated in 20 years was just enjoying my new freedom. Three months into going out a handful of times he must have had a trigger he picked a fight over something dumb and pushed me away. 5 months later I couldn't get him out of my head and sent him a text and we reconnected. He did it again a couple months later but this time a few months he came back but this time while he was gone he was always keeping an eye on me on Match where we met originally. This same thing happened again I got wise and told him not to come back until he was certain that he wanted to be with me. He of course came back and said he didn't want anyone else and then opened up about he was a helicopter pilot in Iraq and flew burn victims. I now knew none of this was about me and he worked to escape and now has a service dog to help but has not seen a counselor but I could be wrong. He had a major trigger last year for 7months and was gone except for the occasional how are you text. I got frustrated and sent him a text to wish him the best I needed to move on. He responded right away and said he wanted a relationship I know to keep me around because he is not capable because that lasted 2 days and he came up with an excuse of an issue with his son which yes it was major. Well I came up on a hard time and needed him lost my job. Just texted that I could use a hug had a rough couple of weeks. He immediately responds with how sorry he is but he is also having a rough time with his mom being Ill and other problems. I don't know if this is true for all of you survivors but if you are having problems you don't have spoons left for other people's issues? I was a little hurt but just told him how sorry I was and would be praying for his mom and would be there if he needs me. I always offer support when he needs it. I wished him a happy Thanksgiving he always replies and same at Christmas but I got frustrated and havent reached out to him since then and decided to let him come to me. I am having such a hard time navigating this I really care about him but I don't know if he will ever let me in and that hurts. I would walk through the fire with him if he would let me but on the other hand and he knows this I am a very young looking 48 year old who has no trouble getting a date. Do you guys feel better having the supporter come to you or you to them. I am afraid that he is going to take me being there for granted.
Again thank you everyone for your insight!! Sorry for the long book.

It's really up to you. He needs a certain amount of space and constantly has those images in his head. He isn't in counseling so, no- he is not dealing with it. Trauma eats away at your thoughts, and can take a whole week only to realize you've been absent a week, or elsewhere in your head. ( this is assuming he has PTSD) We aren't too great at staying in the moment and we hurt others because we don't recognize/realize anyone else's pain is as big as our own. So.. Its really up to you. We can get better with ( in my case-) medication and counseling, but that's not for everyone.. And again, you can lead a horse to water but..

I'm sorry you lost your job. You will be okay and I care :hug:

 

[BrightSmile]

Yes he at least has admitted to having PTSD and I know he looses loses track of time but he can go weeks before checking in. Its like I have to wake him up or something. I don't know what or if anything will get him to talk to anyone but the Army buddies he keeps in touch with. I am not so sure that is a good source for him. For some reason when I am there he is able to relax and can sleep. He is so sweet and kind and a connection I have never had before almost esp we can be thinking about the other person and text or call each other at that moment. Hard to explain so obviously hard to let go. I am like a lot of supporters at first thought it was my fault but know now it is nothing to do with me. It helps reading this discussion and I have read a couple of books. The body keeps the score is one.

I also wanted to add I am not just sitting at home when he does this I put myself out there and date since we aren't in a relationship. It's just deciding if I should emotionally and mentally stay invested in something or with someone who may never be able to communicate or commit due to his issues and how to talk to someone with PTSD so I don't push him away.
I had some serious healing and self esteem rebuilding after my marriage and he has seen it and is always telling me how proud of me he is. This is just a tough issue because I would love to be there for him but at same time have needs as well.
Trama for anyone is tough on many levels the things that were said to me would make your head spin but what a war veteran went through mine does not compair I have so much respect!
I appreciate you guys and this safe space! Thank you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hi @BrightSmile,

Because the thread you originally posted in was more focused on sufferer thoughts and opinions, I started a new thread for your question. You’ll be more likely to get the answers you’re looking for here.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Personally, only you can decide what you’re willing to tolerate. He may never change this pattern of behavior. This may be him always. Are YOU happy in a relationship like this? Do you get what you need? It’s not very romantic to think about relationships ships like this, but when you’re a supporter it’s usually not very romantic. You have to look at the reality of the situation.

A lot of times we supporters fall into wishful thinking about what it’ll be like when our partners get better. That doesn’t always happen. Or they could get better for awhile and then get worse again... PTSD can be cyclical.

Some people need a lot of contact and quality time together, and others do not. Both ways are totally fine, but you have to figure out what your basic needs are.

 

[Deanna]

I know you prob already know this but PTSD can start in children. For examole, my dad tried to throw me out the window as a 3 month old, but my mom caught me in mid-air. ( she was by the sink doing dishes, the window was eye level) Then, It was all down hill from there. ( of-course, I dont remember that and yes, my crying was making him mad) Anyway, catch you ( pun, not meant to be) in the morning. Time for beddy-by. I know things are unsettled but it will just take time with him. Construction is hard work too. I know! Buddy-up with him and sell what he builds! Or send him a doofus text, with your face taking up the whole picture and say, Can I have your attention? And a big- lol!!

Trauma is just hard.. Is all. Life is hard.. Some moments are hard. Counseling makes them easier but I think he is replacing counseling with work. I did it for years.

Anyway.. Night! See you tomorrow! Just log on.

 

[Freida]

Some people need a lot of contact and quality time together, and others do not. Both ways are totally fine, but you have to figure out what your basic needs are.

Yep. And chances are your sufferer will pick one or the other and that's where they stay. if he's an isolater then he will probably always go that route. It might get less dramatic but ....

If you are ok with that then you have a good chance of succeeding in the relationship. If not? Chasing him won't help.

That he's not in therapy makes me think he's still in "I'm gonna just pretend I'm ok" mode and that's not fair to you .

 

[AngelLovesUSAF]

this is my first time posting or replying to anyone, I’m usually just a reader, so I apologize if I’m all over the place.

my current situation is very similar to yours. My boyfriend also has combat PTSD from the Air Force, met in the beginning of summer 2018, a month after my father passed away. Right away we felt a deep connection, he opened up to me about his pain and trauma, all while being there to support me during my time of grief. We broke up twice, whenever I noticed he was having a really hard time or felt overwhelmed with life. Our last breakup was a long one, most of 2019. We just recently got back together in December, but we’ve been having such limited contact lately that I have a hard time making out the right words to say to him sometimes. Just the other night I sent him a text at 2 in the morning telling how much I missed him and was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. He replied right away and we ended up finally talking after he asked me to please talk.. in his exact words, “i dont want you to feel alone, I feel alone even in a room full of people”. I opened up about how I’ve been on this forum reading and trying to get a better understanding of how I can be a better support system for not only him but really for myself. I also mentioned my boundaries. My question for supporters is... is it normal to get nervous whenever you send a text or make a call? Being at a loss for words at times? He assures me often that I don’t bother or bug him, but I can’t help but feel that way because majority of the time his replies seem less than enthusiastic to hear from me.
Thank you for reading my reply and I send you all my love xo

 

[BrightSmile]

this is my first time posting or replying to anyone, I’m usually just a reader, so I apologize if I’m all over the place.

my current situation is very similar to yours. My boyfriend also has combat PTSD from the Air Force, met in the beginning of summer 2018, a month after my father passed away. Right away we felt a deep connection, he opened up to me about his pain and trauma, all while being there to support me during my time of grief. We broke up twice, whenever I noticed he was having a really hard time or felt overwhelmed with life. Our last breakup was a long one, most of 2019. We just recently got back together in December, but we’ve been having such limited contact lately that I have a hard time making out the right words to say to him sometimes. Just the other night I sent him a text at 2 in the morning telling how much I missed him and was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. He replied right away and we ended up finally talking after he asked me to please talk.. in his exact words, “i dont want you to feel alone, I feel alone even in a room full of people”. I opened up about how I’ve been on this forum reading and trying to get a better understanding of how I can be a better support system for not only him but really for myself. I also mentioned my boundaries. My question for supporters is... is it normal to get nervous whenever you send a text or make a call? Being at a loss for words at times? He assures me often that I don’t bother or bug him, but I can’t help but feel that way because majority of the time his replies seem less than enthusiastic to hear from me.
Thank you for reading my reply and I send you all my love xo

"AngeLovesUSAF", You sound so much like me! I would get nervous when I reached out with feelings too. But am to the point where it is wearing on me or I am just numb but it is no longer an issue but I am tired of feeling like a rubberband and want normalcy. I decided this week to not break down and be weak like I am normally and reach out. He needs to come to me. My loosing my job was a big wake up call for me and really seeing he was not able to be there for me. He needs to know that I am done being there for him at the drop of a hat, I actually feel better with each day that goes by that I don't chase him down. I am taking care of me. I know people with PTSD deal and react to feelings differently because I have worked on my own Trauma Healing however it is not okay to be treated poorly. Since we never were in a real relationship I think he uses that as a crutch. I think work is his escape and to show everyone he is fine. He needs help but I am not going to fix him he needs to fix himself he has even said that. So with that said thank you everyone for your insight! I feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one going through this.

 

[AngelBaby]

"AngeLovesUSAF", You sound so much like me! I would get nervous when I reached out with feelings too. But am to the point where it is wearing on me or I am just numb but it is no longer an issue but I am tired of feeling like a rubberband and want normalcy. I decided this week to not break down and be weak like I am normally and reach out. He needs to come to me. My loosing my job was a big wake up call for me and really seeing he was not able to be there for me. He needs to know that I am done being there for him at the drop of a hat, I actually feel better with each day that goes by that I don't chase him down. I am taking care of me. I know people with PTSD deal and react to feelings differently because I have worked on my own Trauma Healing however it is not okay to be treated poorly. Since we never were in a real relationship I think he uses that as a crutch. I think work is his escape and to show everyone he is fine. He needs help but I am not going to fix him he needs to fix himself he has even said that. So with that said thank you everyone for your insight! I feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one going through this.

Just recently changed my username and was wondering why I never received a reply.

I can empathize with you on this. Part of me feels we got back together because I let go of the relationship and had to put up my own wall to protect myself from getting hurt during the process. I spent a good 5 months after our breakup, begging and trying to make it work before I moved on, even began casually dating again. It helped during that time. When he came back, we talked and agreed to try it out again. He explained how he’s seeking help, going to therapy, and putting his health first. I know this isn’t gonna be an easy road, but at least I know he’s trying. This site has really showed me a lot, and I’m trying hard not to take it personally. We still haven’t seen eachother in person. Is it common for survivors to be open to sexting but not real intimacy?

 

[Butterfly64]

Just recently changed my username and was wondering why I never received a reply.

I can empathize with you on this. Part of me feels we got back together because I let go of the relationship and had to put up my own wall to protect myself from getting hurt during the process. I spent a good 5 months after our breakup, begging and trying to make it work before I moved on, even began casually dating again. It helped during that time. When he came back, we talked and agreed to try it out again. He explained how he’s seeking help, going to therapy, and putting his health first. I know this isn’t gonna be an easy road, but at least I know he’s trying. This site has really showed me a lot, and I’m trying hard not to take it personally. We still haven’t seen eachother in person. Is it common for survivors to be open to sexting but not real intimacy?

Sexting is safe....my guy loves that. But intimacy is scary. Sex is okay with a minimum of intimacy....frustrating as f***! He is working at it....in his head he wants intimacy and he is getting better at it...primarily because I had enough after two years of push-pull and him pulling further and further away. I walked away and he chased me like crazy. We are giving it a go again and I have finally reached a point where it is okay he can’t do relationship. We are exclusive but not in a relationship...figure that one out. But I am more okay with that now. It is quite common for sufferers not to have a big sex drive...my guy loves sex, but he has periods, where he doesn’t think about sex.
Don’t take it personally.....I still struggle with that ?....PTSD is a bitch and a very bumpy ride. You can either get off the ride for good or stay on and gradually learn not to take it personally....which for me is getting easier....and that only took about three years? As a supporter we have to learn both intellectually and emotionally that our sufferer is doing the best they can to open up to us. We have to decide if this is the kind of relationship we want. I am giving him a chance again to open up without me pushing for time and intimacy which I did for two years.....for the first time, I am not pushing for intimacy....if he doesn’t open up gradually then I will offer him my friendship and nothing more....and it won’t hurt as bad as it did before.

 

[BrightSmile]

Sexting is safe....my guy loves that. But intimacy is scary. Sex is okay with a minimum of intimacy....frustrating as f***! He is working at it....in his head he wants intimacy and he is getting better at it...primarily because I had enough after two years of push-pull and him pulling further and further away. I walked away and he chased me like crazy. We are giving it a go again and I have finally reached a point where it is okay he can’t do relationship. We are exclusive but not in a relationship...figure that one out. But I am more okay with that now. It is quite common for sufferers not to have a big sex drive...my guy loves sex, but he has periods, where he doesn’t think about sex.
Don’t take it personally.....I still struggle with that ?....PTSD is a bitch and a very bumpy ride. You can either get off the ride for good or stay on and gradually learn not to take it personally....which for me is getting easier....and that only took about three years? As a supporter we have to learn both intellectually and emotionally that our sufferer is doing the best they can to open up to us. We have to decide if this is the kind of relationship we want. I am giving him a chance again to open up without me pushing for time and intimacy which I did for two years.....for the first time, I am not pushing for intimacy....if he doesn’t open up gradually then I will offer him my friendship and nothing more....and it won’t hurt as bad as it did before.

Thanks again you guys your stories have given me hope. I really care about this man I think there's hope yet but I feel in my heart right now for both me and for him that he needs to chase me and that this is a good time for me to take care of myself while looking for a job. I go to the gym, hang out wit family and friends and have a few others interested in just going out as friends. If this guy really cares about me like he says he does and says I'm the first person he has felt this way about he will figure it out, if it's too late that's on him. I learned a while ago to not take it personally it's just figuring out how to deal when they are not getting the help they need. It's up to him not me and I can't do the no relationship, push, pull thing forever. I want a relationship again at some point. So I will stay with letting him come to me and see what happens and if it happens.