Other Haemolacria UPDATE: migraine, poisoning

[Whirlwind]

I don't want out. Out is worse. I just want to be finished, and to have someone to talk to until then because I'm so f*cking lonely.

Only a couple of years ago I was in the same place. Far too long with my ex and my life was/felt ruined. I was ruined. I just wanted it over. Then there was a very bad episode and I realized I just didn't care anymore. So much that I finally did something! :)

There aren't any numbers to call. I had notebook pages filled with numbers. No one at any of those numbers will do anything to help.

It can be hard and you do get brushed off at times. But do not give into that sense of hopelessness. It is false, a product of your situation. I've been there.

I would love to talk. I just don't want every conversation to go straight to 'You need to leave! Do this now!' No. Even if I got out at this point, I couldn't survive.

Been there too. All of us have been. Guess what? It is also a product of your situation so just know that. Anyone can get out, if I did believe me. And in my support group I saw others who were in unreal situations and they did.

Not telling you to do a thing. It is up to you and you don't have to! But you need to realize people have gotten out from heinous situations.

Baby steps add up. One is that you are here talking. Ever read Lundy Bancroft? You can read it privately online.

What do you have that is "yours"? 20 minutes in the morning by yourself? So talk here. Decide every day. Call or online chat with DV. Tell them you just want to talk, no pressure. They will let you.

I know in your place it feels so dark and hopeless. I have been there but for every terrible thing you imagine about the future, your choices right now there are/will be good things that happen in your favor that you have not even considered. It happens, to me, to others. I saw women get out in unreal situations, even from a cult with 3 small children in tow. There is kindness and support out there you can't imagine. I started from zero, no friends, family isolated. And I mean ISOLATED. My ex was terrifying...and then later he seemed so....basic. It is the trauma and programming, it is akin to torture and it really messes with your mind.

It can be done. Sounds like you want to, great. You don't have to today or tomorrow but now your angst...it is telling you to take a baby step. Just one.

So chose one. Something you feel you can do - routinely. Walk around the house. Chat here. Put a cold pack on your face. Read my posts from long before, read others in DV section. You will find commonality there, learn from us, what it took and mostly how good it is on "this side".

Put a cold pack on your face, you have likely small hemorrhages in your tear ducts.

Use it as an excuse to go to the doc? ;)

Wishing you a peaceful day,

Whirlwind

 

[Jade-]

I just wanna share a relevant story @Angrboda and you can take it or leave it.

My Mom lived in a similar situation as you( except her abuser was her own Dad,which is my Dad also).

The abuse began as a child and continued. She was afraid to get away from him.She had plenty of chances to leave but her fear kept her where she was. She didn't think she had anywhere to go,didn't know what she would do if she was on her own.

As an adult,once when I visited her she had pictures of all the places she wanted to go,had a list of all the people she wanted to be friends with.She was planning her life for after he died,even had pictures of the casket she was going to buy,had his funeral planned,etc. I think planning life after his death was what kept her going.

She was literally his prisoner. (And since I was a product of and was raised in that situation I guess I was his prisoner too). She knew no other way of life and was too scared and too hopeless to even try anything different.

I told her she didn't have to wait until he was dead to have a life,but there was no getting through to her.

To make a really long story short(er), he did finally die,about 12 years ago. She told me the only reason she stayed with him was because she knew he would kill her if she left.

For quite a few years I believed that. He really was violent enough to kill her. But,there were ways she could have left,and there were many opportunities to.

She was more a prisoner of her own mind than in reality. And it makes me sad that she lived over 60+ years the way she did because she thought being out was worse than being there.

She's married now,to what seems like a good guy. It's a happy ending to her story.I just wish she had got out years and years ago instead of going through all that she did.

I wish she had made the decision to leave and live as if he had already died instead of waiting until he actually did die. She was ok on her own afterall,even better actually than when she was with him. She had no choice once he was gone.

She realizes it now,she just didn't while she was still living it.

 

[Angrboda]

But she had things she wanted. I don't anymore. Now, I don't dream of places I want to see. I don't have things I want to do. Nothing means anything at all if you're locked up inside a little bubble and you can never tell anyone or share anything and you are entirely alone forever. A few months back, I started making a game and entered an excerpt from it in a competition. I won. When I found out, I was deliriously happy. For about five minutes. Then I realized that there was no one to tell. Nobody cared about me or anything I'd done. So the happy went away, and it just felt like some terrible sharp pain burrowing into my gut. There's no point in doing anything if that's how it makes me feel. And I can never leave the bubble. The bubble is not this prison that he built for me. I am the bubble. There's no way to fix it.

Several years ago, I was seeing a grief counselor. She was worried that I didn't have a support system, but she was less concerned about how I might build one and more concerned about how I could learn to live like that going forward. She said I was an "eccentric" and that people like me usually spend their entire lives in near complete isolation. That was the last time I saw her, even though she was the first counselor I really felt I connected with. I thought what she'd said was bullshit, and it freaked me out. It wasn't bullshit, though. I wasn't there to figure out why I'm defective so she didn't give me an actual diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure that "eccentric" meant "autistic".

The abusive situation I'm in just makes it really obvious how alone I've always been and how alone I always will be. I was able to cope before now by living inside my head a lot more. It's like virtual reality in there. I had a whole world of people and places that I'd been building for decades, and they felt almost as real as things in the actual world. If I couldn't talk to someone out here, well that was fine because I could just wander into my imagination and have a thoroughly satisfying conversation there. Looking back, most of the conversations I've had in my life have been completely imaginary. It doesn't work that way anymore, though. My world is broken. Even though it should be safe, when I go there now people attack me, and they're cruel, and even though I should have control because it's my own bloody brain, even in that world, I'm alone.

What is the point of a life like that? What is the point of anything if I don't fit with anyone and I can't even fantasize that someone gives a crap? Sociality is the primary defining characteristic of humanity. I'm not even human.

 

[Angrboda]

Hah! Maybe that's why my eyes have been bleeding. It's my game. One of the two POV characters is Lucifer, and I keep making jokes to myself about how the Devil is my homie now. Maybe he heard me, and I've got stigmata in my eyeballs.

 

[Friday]

I’ve cried blood a few times.

Usually, my doc ends up dx’ing a reeeeeally bad sinus infection. Antibiotics and antifungals sort it, relatively quickly. Once it followed a skull fracture, and the blood instead of pooling in my skull was evacuating out my eyes & ears & throat. Mostly my eyes, as those stupid sinus infections -and other bone damage- made that the avenue of least resistance. I wouldn’t even have known my ears were bleeding if my doc hadn’t gotten suspicious and ordered a head CT. Yep. Fractured skull, and pooling blood in all cavities. Made me grateful as hell for those sinus infections, and the bone itself breaking (I didn’t know it, but I had a bruise down the back of my neck, as it was leaking out the cracked bone.) ...as if the blood had remained trapped? I’d have slipped into a coma &/or died.

My sister, meanwhile, gets blood mixed in her tears, whenever the tissues in her eyes get irritated by certain allergies. She’s allergic to half the planet, so it didn’t make sense to her why some allergens would cause the mucosal linings in her eyes to blister/bleed, but oak pollen does it every time. For her, it takes a different kind of antihistamine, steroids, and avoiding oak blooms.

AKA it’s worth being seen by your doctor, as there are numerous causes, and very different treatments. Maybe it’s irritation from crying, maybe it’s something else.

SIMILARLY... If/when I do start crying? I’m completely dysregulated with it. I’ll cry for days, non stop, including in my sleep. Completely soaked pillow/hair. No break. No respite. Eyes swollen shut, pharynx a disaster, hot mess. Regulating it back isn’t something I’m capable of. It takes a shot of Vitamin H (haldol) or a similarly STFU strong benzo to accomplish it. Since you have several hours a day you’re in control you might not need the chemical smackdown, but it’s worth considering. Also something you would need to get from your doc.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I wake up everyday with tears streaming down my face. I can't stop crying anymore. I even cry all night in my sleep. But this morning, there was blood in my tears. It wasn't a lot, and I'm pretty sure it's just being caused by irritation. My body isn't supposed to have to cry all day, every day, for over a year. So, not terribly alarming, but it is really weird. I'm curious whether this has ever happened to anyone else. Have you ever cried until your eyes literally started to bleed? Also, is there a way I can make myself stop crying? If my eyes are bleeding I should probably make it stop.

I have heard of bloody tears

I did a search and found this, maybe it will help. From this it would seem its possible your problem may not be PTSD related, but possibly PTSD triggering it. Which would make sense as the brain is involved, I would suggest a workup with your doctor if you have not already done so.

What can cause bloody tears?

In most cases of haemolacria, a head injury, tumor, blood clot, a tear in the tear duct, or a common infection, such as conjunctivitis, causes the bloody tears. When patients cry tears, doctors look for tumors, conjunctivitis, or tears in the tear ducts.

Your problem is most definitely more frustrating that mine, which is the inability to cry since my trauma 42 years ago (because any emotion even crying led to more abuse). My therapist is at a stage where she gotten close to breaking through this barrier. The day she does will be one of the happiest days of my life. And a wet one too :)

I wish you luck, I know from personal experience how hard it is to cope problems like these through most of ones life.
While I want to cry more than anything else, I don't think I would trade our tear related problems. Take care of yourself.

 

[Angrboda]

Poison this do? Eyes of much mucous and not for thinking right and much much cold. Much tired is also. Not for taking things only woke up this way. Head is pain also. For dizzy. Called dad but not for back calling yet. Wrong is very very strange. Poison?

 

[bellbird]

Are you ok, @Angrboda ?

 

[Deanna]

Poison this do? Eyes of much mucous and not for thinking right and much much cold. Much tired is also. Not for taking things only woke up this way. Head is pain also. For dizzy. Called dad but not for back calling yet. Wrong is very very strange. Poison?

Do you have a migraine headache?

 

[Angrboda]

No, is not. Tried for talking no understanding. Not ok. Dan home. Not safe.

 

[Angrboda]

And headache yes spinning.

 

[Deanna]

And headache yes spinning.

Get to a hospital.