Hey
@Zeekayk - :hug:
I've dismantled some of your words & quoted them to respond. Sorry in advance if my response is long but what you said touched my heart. I was so much in your position not that long ago in one way, but ages ago in another.
^In daycare he has adults whose only job is to care for the children. You have ten thousand jobs to do at home, inbetween working your outside job too. Take a breath, he is being cared for well and he's responding well. So to me, you should be very pleased. It's not a reflection on you or your mothering skills.
^Perhaps losing one kind of bond but also transitioning towards another bond which is less about infancy & complete dependency. Your child is beginning to notice the world around him and experimenting with what that world is & how he can interact with it.
So it's not all about loss. You are part of that world and he will rely on you and reinforce his bond with you over and over for many years to come. But remember bonds don't stay the same. Just as you, I presume want him to grow into a heappy, healthy adult which is all about change, so too will your relationship with him change.
^He's trying out new behaviours. All children want attention. Sometimes it's for needs & other times it's for wants. At all times it's about them.
It's ok that you don't understand
everything he demands because the way he's expressing them is changing because he's becoming better at making known some of the things he wants.
But also, at the same time, he's beginning to trial new ways of expressing himself and you cannot pre-empt or predict what he might try out next.
So feeling like you are say, behind the eight ball sometimes, with what the hell he is trying to tell you is completely normal.
It's certainly frustrating having a child who is acting out towards you or something else and not being able to decipher what the issue may be so you can quell the crying. But it doesn't mean you are doing something wrong or not being a great mother. Not at all. Rather his rate of change and range of wants and needs is expanding by the minute and yes, you are in catch up mode for ages till he basically transitions from cries to words. But even then... there's lot's of revisiting the crying to see if that gets him what he wants faster!
Remember this child of yours has to learn to communicate in the usual manner ie language verbal, body etc. He's learning at a really fast rate but he's frustrated too because he's trying to tell you something but doesn't yet have the necessary skills to communicate to you.
And sometimes I honestly think little children don't even know what they want and they need us to work it out. If we get it wrong or don't work it out fast enough they'll resort to crying etc to prompt us!
Give yourselves time to adapt and you will notice that he begins to learn this language sufficiently to communicate.
And remember almost none of what he's trying to communicate is going to be life-threatening. If he's healthy and well cared for physically most of what he's trying to tell you is about his comfort.
Obviously if you think your child is overtired, exhausted, in pain, hungry or thirsty you will respond. Those things are hard enough to work out without all the nuances of comfort a young child might be trying to communicate. But don't worry if it's important he won't let go of it and you will work it out.
^This is a natural & common sense response to the situation Zeekayk. I'd do that & I don't know of too many mothers whom I met that would not do that. Hand him over
before you are exhausted,
before you get to that point again - that's my tip. Sometimes a set of different arms just make a difference and who knows why! lol Know your own limits and always operate within them.
If there is no-one at home and you reach that limit the safest and best thing to do is to put him into his crib and walk into another room. Have a cup of tea/coffee and take a few moments to collect yourself. Don't go back in until your brain has had a few moments to rest.
He will be okay in his crib. He might cry but that isn't harmful. What's important is if there are no arms to hand him to, keep this as a backup. It's safe and easy.
^I reckon most parents who have suffered within dysfunctional families or from abuse and who deeply connect with their children in a healthy way, visit this very issue over and over again.
Zeekayk you have the insight to know that what happened to you was far from good parenting and you already know that you do not want to inflict that type of suffering on your own child.
Most of the battle is now done and dusted.
Honestly, do you do things in your sleep or a trance, are you deeply disassociating? To the point where you might abuse or cause suffering to your child? If yes - seek immediate help. If not, then maybe relax a little and do what you think is the right thing to do because invariably it will be what you should be doing.
You have the support of your husband who does know about your childhood & probably your fears too so that's really good to have up you sleeve.
^Been there and done that. You will find as time goes on that he may alter his demand feeding. He may initially, make up for the time you are away a little bit by wanting to nurse longer in the evenings but eventually he will settle into a routine whereby he weans off the daytime nursing completely whether you are at home or not and will maintain the evening nursing.
He may also 'comfort' nurse a little more when you are at home for a while but eventually he will not need that because the structure of your work day, you presence and your absences will become familiar too.
^Yeah but he's still ok. He will be fine. He's simply adjusting to the new routine and from having you, his mother come to him whenever he cried out. Now he's finding he will be comforted but it's slightly different. There are many adjustments he will make as he gets older and his only form of communication with the world right now is crying. So he'll do a lot of it regardless. That's not a reflection on you. That's him developing.
^Initially, there may not be a good solution because as soon as you get home he's needing all of your attention. That's normal.
I can tell you that this stage doesn't last for too long. I know it's no comfort whilst you're sleep deprived and in it but give it some time. It will get better. It really does. Your child will adapt to the routine.
Also, when you get home from work you are already tired. Your child is tired too. Actually everyone is tired. On that basis keeping everything simple and on a needs only basis is a good way of dealing with this stage. Don't try and be supermum.
Now is the time when your husband & supports (?) need to step up and do some of the organising in the household. Making meals, doing washing and generally providing you with the space to lay down with your child and rest when he does. If someone offers you help please do take it!
^I don't know what philosophy you have on this. Some mothers allow for a little crying and other's none at all. I think it's important to talk to your husband and even your local child health centre nurse about this.
Getting into a decent sleep pattern is difficult unless you decide, with your husband what the aim is. But having a routine is super important for all of you so seek out opinions and ideas about what should be done when he cries.
I can assure you that by the age of about twelve he'll not want to share your bed. I copped a huge amount of opinions and criticism regarding allowing my children to stay with me in my bed. I didn't care. I let them and they grew up into well adjusted, healthy adults!
Bedsharing to me is convenient until it's not. You decide but honestly once my child was asleep I would've cheerfully murdered anyone who moved them and thereby woke them up!!!!
Keep him in your bed at least whilst you are still demand feeding overnight because it's easy, warm and convenient. When it stops being any of those things try putting him in his crib next to your bed.
There are no hard and fast rules or help guides to get through this current phase you are in right now. Please do remember that it won't last. From far into the future, one day you will look back and it will be but a blink of the eye in terms of time.
Enjoy your baby whenever you can. Don't forget that. Actually, that is the most important part of all of it. The simple pleasure of breastfeeding, the gurgles and the odd windy smile. Take photos and hang onto the joy. It is fleeting this early childhood pleasure so stop and breathe in the experience if you can.
I often say to my own children who bemoan the sleep deprivation etc., that they are currently experiencing as a result of their own children now crying etc., that I have no advice but I do acknowledge that it is one long, sustained slog where the end doesn't seem to be in sight. But it is!!
