Serendipity26
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I really think it did. It disgusts me thinking about it now and I can’t talk to anyone without feeling like they won’t take me seriously. My dad would make us strip naked waist down for it and go over his lap. ..I think the effects must be worse for a girl or maybe just for me.
He started when I was 3 or 4 and didn’t stop until I was 11 maybe. I remember the last time freaking out because I had pubic hairs and I didn’t want my siblings to see. That time I ended up talking my way out of it luckily. But every other time before that still messed with me. I would worry about it all the time, every action was based on whether or not I would get it.
Also, I started hitting myself at 5 and I started really liking pain. My dad just used his hand but I hit myself with whatever. I would go in my room blast the tv and hide in the closet and do it so no one could hear me. I also would draw pictures of it happening to others, look up the words spank in the dictionary, and play games with my siblings about it. It was like I was obsessed or broken to a point where I fixated on it.
And I was great at hiding it because no one ever noticed or said anything. I even asked my dad to do it twice out of nowhere at 6 or 7 without doing anything bad and of course both times he explained that he only can do that if I did something bad. But it still confuses me of his lack of concern for his daughter asking for that kind of thing and how he continued more years of doing it. Other things I often felt as a kid were intense shame and high self consciousness. I felt like everyone knew. I wasn’t comfortable with my body and It didn’t feel like it was mine completely.
I stopped hitting myself at 12 and traded it for self harm. And I still fantasized getting hurt. I started reading stories about it online and didn’t realize at the time that It was arousing me until I reached college years. I was fine with that though. I accepted that I liked pain and would actively seek out abusive guys and would fantasize them punishing me. sometimes I would get a rise out of them just do they would hit me. I went into a bdsm phase that I once I realized it was just a compulsion to repeat trauma I pulled myself out of it.
At that point I hated myself and wanted it to stop. I hated feeling the way I did and felt alone completely. You can’t just outwardly say getting spanked traumatized me and expect someone to listen. Most people that I told were on anonymous chat sites and used it to their advantage to get off while others would either laugh or deny that getting spanked wasn’t the issue because it happened to them and they’re fine so I must have something wrong with me. So I went back to denying myself and cutting a lot. And it took years and lots of self work to get over it.
Fast forward I thought all the work was done and I was finally normal. I have 2 kids and vowed never to hit them. I never want what happened to me to happen to them and i never want them to feel how I felt. What brought me to this site was when my boyfriend threatened to spank them once. I ended up raging. Once the kids were gone to daycare I screamed at him to the top of my lungs for probably 10 minutes he said that he couldn’t understand what I was saying and I honestly couldn't make sense if I tried. I was just screaming. I knew what I wanted to say in my head but some words were mixed up and I probably just sounded incoherent...I also lost my voice the next day so I know I went to far and over exaggerated the situation. but it was like I snapped and while I was angry at him part of me went away.
I still have no idea where all of that anger came from but maybe it was the traumatized part of me screaming. It scared me and is still confusing me.
I told my boyfriend what my dad did to me and he said he would never do that he just meant 1-2 hits and I felt even more foolish. We agreed to take a break for a bit and we’re back together now but I still can’t tell him things like this bother me. If people even start talking about disciplining their kids that way my blood boils and I have to leave the conversation, I can’t hear kids crying in the stores or tantruming because it triggers me a I freak out that their caretaker will hit them in front of everyone. I try to hide when I’m upset over these things so no one notices but it’s irritating that this still bothers me.
I don’t want to go to a therapist about this because I don’t think they will take me seriously either. I’m scared my trauma is laughable but I hoped posting this would help to get it off my chest and it did. Comments are welcome, and I’ll try to be okay with advise or criticism. It would also be nice to know I’m not alone because I feel like I am most of the time.
He started when I was 3 or 4 and didn’t stop until I was 11 maybe. I remember the last time freaking out because I had pubic hairs and I didn’t want my siblings to see. That time I ended up talking my way out of it luckily. But every other time before that still messed with me. I would worry about it all the time, every action was based on whether or not I would get it.
Also, I started hitting myself at 5 and I started really liking pain. My dad just used his hand but I hit myself with whatever. I would go in my room blast the tv and hide in the closet and do it so no one could hear me. I also would draw pictures of it happening to others, look up the words spank in the dictionary, and play games with my siblings about it. It was like I was obsessed or broken to a point where I fixated on it.
And I was great at hiding it because no one ever noticed or said anything. I even asked my dad to do it twice out of nowhere at 6 or 7 without doing anything bad and of course both times he explained that he only can do that if I did something bad. But it still confuses me of his lack of concern for his daughter asking for that kind of thing and how he continued more years of doing it. Other things I often felt as a kid were intense shame and high self consciousness. I felt like everyone knew. I wasn’t comfortable with my body and It didn’t feel like it was mine completely.
I stopped hitting myself at 12 and traded it for self harm. And I still fantasized getting hurt. I started reading stories about it online and didn’t realize at the time that It was arousing me until I reached college years. I was fine with that though. I accepted that I liked pain and would actively seek out abusive guys and would fantasize them punishing me. sometimes I would get a rise out of them just do they would hit me. I went into a bdsm phase that I once I realized it was just a compulsion to repeat trauma I pulled myself out of it.
At that point I hated myself and wanted it to stop. I hated feeling the way I did and felt alone completely. You can’t just outwardly say getting spanked traumatized me and expect someone to listen. Most people that I told were on anonymous chat sites and used it to their advantage to get off while others would either laugh or deny that getting spanked wasn’t the issue because it happened to them and they’re fine so I must have something wrong with me. So I went back to denying myself and cutting a lot. And it took years and lots of self work to get over it.
Fast forward I thought all the work was done and I was finally normal. I have 2 kids and vowed never to hit them. I never want what happened to me to happen to them and i never want them to feel how I felt. What brought me to this site was when my boyfriend threatened to spank them once. I ended up raging. Once the kids were gone to daycare I screamed at him to the top of my lungs for probably 10 minutes he said that he couldn’t understand what I was saying and I honestly couldn't make sense if I tried. I was just screaming. I knew what I wanted to say in my head but some words were mixed up and I probably just sounded incoherent...I also lost my voice the next day so I know I went to far and over exaggerated the situation. but it was like I snapped and while I was angry at him part of me went away.
I still have no idea where all of that anger came from but maybe it was the traumatized part of me screaming. It scared me and is still confusing me.
I told my boyfriend what my dad did to me and he said he would never do that he just meant 1-2 hits and I felt even more foolish. We agreed to take a break for a bit and we’re back together now but I still can’t tell him things like this bother me. If people even start talking about disciplining their kids that way my blood boils and I have to leave the conversation, I can’t hear kids crying in the stores or tantruming because it triggers me a I freak out that their caretaker will hit them in front of everyone. I try to hide when I’m upset over these things so no one notices but it’s irritating that this still bothers me.
I don’t want to go to a therapist about this because I don’t think they will take me seriously either. I’m scared my trauma is laughable but I hoped posting this would help to get it off my chest and it did. Comments are welcome, and I’ll try to be okay with advise or criticism. It would also be nice to know I’m not alone because I feel like I am most of the time.
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