General Struggling with staying at home with sufferer

[RoseByAnyOtherName]

Struggling with staying at home with sufferer

I’m here in the UK where we are now required to stay at home like many others around the world.

My husbands place of work has closed and he cannot work from home. His life line of training in the gym has also gone. He is slipping into a very dark place with his PTSD and I’m struggling to cope.

We have had a difficult year but the past few months we turned a corner and life and our relationship finally felt to be getting to a happier place. That’s all now gone.

I know many of you will be facing similar situations and I think I just need somewhere to go and vocalise my pain and distraught. I’m fully conscious that we are still blessed in many ways and that people are losing loved ones as we speak, but I feel such a sense of grief and loss.

It’s like losing your loved one over when over going through these horrible periods.

I’m someone that likes to try and ‘fix’ things and will break my back to help those I love. So knowing I can’t do anything is difficult to deal with.

I hope all of you facing similar situations find a way to love and take care of your own wellbeing.

 

[Friday]

His life line of training in the gym has also gone.

Any possibility of training at home? A heavy-bag or MMA heavy bag is one of my favorite things in flats/lofts/places where noise is a problem... because it’s floating in the air :sneaky: Okay, suspended by chains from the stand, but you get my drift. They also fit in the corner, only taking up about as much space as a chair.

Although, speaking of space?

I can’t remember the first time I moved my “living room” to the cupboard under the stairs/bedroom closet/pantry (whatever small rarely used space was available) and turned my living room into a gymnasium (10x10 gymnastics mats, ballet bar along the wall, weights, pull-up bars, yoga balls, fire poi, etc.)... and I realize that’s not something most people would want to do ever, or at least not long term. But it’s something else to consider when stuck in a small space -with someone climbing the walls- // to reorganize the “social” area you won’t be socializing in for awhile, into a space to play in. :D The first time I did it was right around the time I realized I like to go OUT to socialize, and want home to be “sanctuary” // if I want inviting people over to mine? It didn’t make sense to have 2/3s of it set up for entertaining.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hang in there @RoseByAnyOtherName. This situation sucks. While you’re worrying about him, don’t forget to take care of yourself too.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I was a bodybuilder for almost 30 years. I still train, just not in that level anymore because of chronic fatigue.
Missing out on workouts can indeed be very debilitating for someone accustomed to that lifestyle.
I had a home gym set up, mostly free weights. Can your husband do that?

 

[RoseByAnyOtherName]

Any possibility of training at home? A heavy-bag or MMA heavy bag is one of my favorite things in flats/lofts/places where noise is a problem... because it’s floating in the air :sneaky: Okay, suspended by chains from the stand, but you get my drift. They also fit in the corner, only taking up about as much space as a chair.

Although, speaking of space?

I can’t remember the first time I moved my “living room” to the cupboard under the stairs/bedroom closet/pantry (whatever small rarely used space was available) and turned my living room into a gymnasium (10x10 gymnastics mats, ballet bar along the wall, weights, pull-up bars, yoga balls, fire poi, etc.)... and I realize that’s not something most people would want to do ever, or at least not long term. But it’s something else to consider when stuck in a small space -with someone climbing the walls- // to reorganize the “social” area you won’t be socializing in for awhile, into a space to play in. :D The first time I did it was right around the time I realized I like to go OUT to socialize, and want home to be “sanctuary” // if I want inviting people over to mine? It didn’t make sense to have 2/3s of it set up for entertaining.

thank you for the reply. He’s a weight lifter so needs A fair bit of equipment. I’m 100% happy to turn our living room into a gym if that’s what it takes but it seems like everyone has had the same idea and struggling to buy equipment now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have you guys looked into body weight exercises? It’s a surprisingly hard workout. I’ve been giving that a whirl since my gym closed. May be a fun distraction learning it as well.

 

[Friday]

Have you guys looked into body weight exercises? It’s a surprisingly hard workout. .

This.

***

Also 2liter soda bottles filled with water, or the home-delivery 5gal (42lbs each).

In off-seasons (SAR) I used to go hiking with a giant backpack filled with 50-100lbs of water to mimic my kit-weight... and would use them (usually the 40lb suckers, but sometimes the 5lb ones in different configurations, to make home workouts more interesting. (Sure, I can do 20 pull-ups with my OWN weight... but how many can I do with an extra 40 in my backpack? 100 sit-ups? A breeze, but what about whilst holding a 2liter in each hand, at different angles?) Granted I usually preferred to stick one of my housemates on me (holding onto my neck while I did pull-ups, or sitting on my back whilst doing push-ups... but they weren’t always home &/or willing to play “ballast” for me. Especially not once I started sweating. :whistling:

One of the fun things about working out with water? The TORQUE required is very different than with dense metal weights. So it feels waaaay heavier than it actually is / there’s a lot longer pause between flex & fire. It’s something that usually trips weightlifters out, when they do 50lb bicep curls all the damn time, but the 40lb jug? Even one is hard. Sure, some of that is bulk, but mostly it’s physics. Ahhhh torque.

2 birds, 1 stone? Water workouts mean you have at least 10 gal on hand in case of emergency, and I usually bought 5 of them to keep in the pantry / drag out and play with, in different configurations.

***
Another fun one, assuming you either DONT live in an apartment, or have an amendable super who lets you dump several yards of logs in your parking lot, or rent a storage room? Chopping wood. Have a cord of unsplit logs delivered, and voila. Shit to do. We usually built frames to hold the wood at different angles (overhead, oblique, ankle level, etc.) because we were using it not just for heating but also to keep in shape.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Hi, RoseByAnyOtherName. As someone who sufferers with PTSD, and not a supporter, I'd just like to commend you for all thar you do to help your husband. Living with PTSD can definitely be a nightmare, and I know it isn't a walk in the park watching someone you love suffer, either. Most are too faint of heart to stick around through the tough times. But it seems as you and your husband have made through very difficult times before. That bodes well for you being able to weather this storm together as well.

Remember, you and your husband are going through a stressful situation right now, but that doesn't mean he's lost all of the gains he has made. He probably just needs some reminders to help him focus on the basics and what he can do in the here and now.

Does he have counselor or other mental health professional he can rely on? Is he following some kind of structure in his isolated day to day. Getting up/going to bed same time, eating healthy meals regularly, showering/getting dressed, thar kind of thing?

Also, are there hobbies you both can be involved in together while keeping inside your home? Maybe look on the Internet for ideas and cultivate one.

I'm just throwing out suggestions that might help. But as most others have mentioned it's vitally important that you take good care if yourself. You can't be a good support person, if you're running on empty. So, take a warm bath, read a good book, do whatever charges your batteries.

I wish and you husband all the best. And keep in mind you are not alone in this. Social isolation and the disruption of our daily lives is tough even in the best of circumstances.

 

[deepblue]

I don't know if this thought will help but would it be helpful to try and focus on the long term? As in, you've had a rough year, then a more positive time, and now it's getting very very difficult. The context right now is very specific (and many families are in a survival mode right now), so it's likely to get better once again after the lockdown (but yeah, let's not cling on that either). I guess you've already had your share of ups and lows and the question for me would be 1) am i willing to live through this particular kind of low and, 2) if I do, how do I live through it in the most "efficient" (and thus, self-compassionate) way?

But yeah, powerlessness is a bitch and a tough feeling to deal with, for me it's the worst. Anger and sadness and suffering we can put up with, but feeling powerless is… a specific distress taste. It's all about acceptance and letting go and boy do I struggle with that so I can't give you any sound advice on that.

Except meditating. I know that's become a trite advice. But I feel the difference when I don't meditate daily.

You've used the words "losing" and "grief", and I can't connect with that on a personal level (sorry since it seems to be the hardest feeling to deal with right now for you), but I work in a psy ward and at work, when people are going through bad bad times and I can't seem to recognize them anymore, I like to imagine their core is just hidden inside many layers. So my thinking has become "how many layers are there right now?" and I… I don't know, that's silly and it isn't even realistic and it borderlines on disrespectful, but it helps. They're still there, and the layers come and go. But at the same time, it's important to respect what is presented to us.

Do you feel like you're fighting against your grief/loss feelings or "on the contrary" that you're drowning in them?

Would it help to reframe things so that you can better take care of yourself? As in, the helpful thing to do right now for your partner would be to take care of yourself? Since you can't change anything right now, it's better to save up some energy for later, when things will be more open for (positive) change again. What would "taking more care of myself" would be like for you, what would you like to be able to do?

But you've said you were already aware of lots of things and you needed to vocalize so it's good you posted about it. I hope you'll manage to get your head out of the water. I'm wishing you the best.

Edit : I know it's lockdown time but, do you per chance have any opportunity to get away even if a little? In the past I've appreciated "running away" from certain situations, if only for a few days, or for a few hours, just to... really not have to deal with it, have a real breathe. I find it helpful. In your situation I think I'd consider booking a room for a week-end (it means spending money though). But it may not be possible depending on the state of your partner, or maybe it would make you worry even more.

 

[mynameisvictory]

Hello!

As someone who has PTSD and has a family member with PTSD who I tried to care for myself (before I realized that I also needed help and needed to focus on getting better, too), I know what it is like to be a fixer. Please feel free to come and vent as much as you need to about your situation and please don't minimize how you feel or what you are going through -- I do that, too.

I think it really sucks -- putting aside the sickness and death that is happening right now because we already know that is truly horrible -- but it really sucks, too, how our routines have been taken from us. For a lot of us who deal with mental health challenges like myself, my routine was/is so important to me and without it, I feel like I'm taking some steps backward.

Hopefully, once your husband finds a new routine or way to focus his time, things will improve -- I know it isn't as simple as that, but I really hope that for both of you, things get better.

 

[Never_falter2]

Have not read everything but do you know Marc Lauren’s books? I think the English title of one is “be your own gym“. It’s basically body weight exercises.