Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Wonder Woman]

Hi Wonder Woman.
My own trauma was a result of 32 years as a firefighter. And it wasn’t until I retired that the world caved in on me. The nightmares and the flashbacks became debilitating to the point that I was about done. Finding a psychologist that I fully trusted was the first step. But it wasn’t until I started EMDR sessions that things began to change for the better. Maybe talk to your psychologist to see if they think it will work for you.

Hi, Fahrenheit451. Great name for a firefighter, by the way. I can only imagine the horrors you've witnessed over 32 years. Thank you for your service.

And thank you for the suggestion. I actually looked into the EMDR thing. However, many things persuaded me that it was not the best option for me. For one thing, I'd have to start over with a new provider. My trust issues due to childhood abuse/CSA/rape/domestic violence, and retraumatization by harmful people in the "helping" professions make this a huge hurdle for me. Plus, my insurance will not cover the cost. Also, I am probably not stable enough for it to benefit my right now.

I have heard that EMDR is really effective though for many people. And I am glad it worked for you. I may even consider it sometime down the line, but for now I'm sticking with my current psychologist and psychiatrist, because I've known them for years and I trust them more than I could ever trust someone new. Hope that sense.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am hoping you mean a few years until you felt completely stable.

Oh god no.

I was diagnosed about 11 1/2 years ago. The first two years were bad. Multiple suicide attempts. Multiple longer hospitalizations, insomnia from hell, etc. At about the 2 year, 2 month point was when things started to calm down from constant crisis mode. I had a few good years, and then things went WAY downhill again. I’m finally on the right meds (and they are only tweaked every so often). I was about to start school again but well, the virus came along so the earliest that will happen is the fall. Life just throws curveballs which pushes things back. But in all, I’m definitely in a better place now than I’ve been at any other point since diagnosis.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Oh god no.

I was diagnosed about 11 1/2 years ago. The first two years were bad. Multiple suicide attempts. Multiple longer hospitalizations, insomnia from hell, etc. At about the 2 year, 2 month point was when things started to calm down from constant crisis mode. I had a few good years, and then things went WAY downhill again. I’m finally on the right meds (and they are only tweaked every so often). I was about to start school again but well, the virus came along so the earliest that will happen is the fall. Life just throws curveballs which pushes things back. But in all, I’m definitely in a better place now than I’ve been at any other point since diagnosis.

I'm glad to hear you're in a better place now. Still, it's a little discouraging to think it might take a couple of years to get out of this crisis mode.

Doing my homework for my sessions feels like torture these days.

 

[Friday]

By stable, I mean able to sleep 4 or 5 hours per night; able to eat more than one small meal a day, able to shower without the intense compulsion to scrub the heck out of my privates, able to feel like my life was not a complete waste. That kind of thing.

What does stability mean to you?

I haven’t responded because my trauma was all in my adulthood, and your OP was specifically looking for CSA... but this caught my eye, reading through.

There hasn’t been a thread on general stability in awhile, it would be great to see one again (hint hint, otherwise known I’m about as subtle as a lead brick :D), because they’re always full of useful tips/tricks, and myriad ways to see things / think about things/ different paths to the same goal.

This is one of my answers from a 2017 thread about ‘what does stability look like to you’.

For me it looks like I'm squared away, & my life put together; I'm if not asymptomatic, my symptoms are very well managed.

If I'm stable?

- I have a job, a home, solid relationships, and safety nets (so it wouldn't be a crisis if I lost my job, had to move, or one of my relationships ended). A stressor? Sure. But not a crisis.

- My symptoms aren't ruling my life. They may still be there, but I'm handling them & my life in such a way that I'm both functional, and able to remain functional... Even if there were to be a massive spike in symptoms. Stress management = Top Notch. Emotional monitoring & regulation = gangbusters.

- I have time built in for symptom spikes. So I can take 3 days (or 3 hours, or 3 weeks) to be puking/shaking/suicidal, without actually being at risk of killing myself, losing my job, home, or relationships. I'm judging the time off I need approproately. Taking it without compunction or delay... And then returning to my life with the same ease.

- I am able to be very honest with both myself and my therapist.

- I'm not in the middle (or beginning/end) of a crisis or major stressor. (Which may seem dumb, but life happens. No matter how well Im managing my life people die, get married, have babies, get sick, get divorced, move house, get promoted, lose their stability for short periods of time & easily regain it when they're not piling other stressors on top of what else is going on. But how long that process takes? Is going to be different for every stressor. Getting married? Might mean 6 mo to let things settle. Getting knocked up? 2-3 years until things have calmed down again. New job? Might be a month or a year.).

Spoiler: Although, for the record / if curious about an adult complex trauma path out of crisis

The first few years were rather bad / rapidly devolving crisis that leveled out into 20+ hours a day of symptoms & losing everything. 6 years in I’m doing a helluva lot better with around 5 hours a day, most days, if we don’t count insomnia jags and anniversary nonsense. Like Nov-Feb of this year :wtf: Wasn’t bad-bad, I’ve had a helluva lot worse, but I was still only sleeping twice a week, on average, for about 4 hours.
I had a lot of stressors those first few years, which certainly didn’t help... and the best I could manage was to tread water where I was at, and more commonly things took a turn for the worse, instead. For example, havin to testify/speak to a panel about some of my BigBad? Pretty much cost me 2 years of my life. I was very nearly nonfunctional that entire time period / it was a relief to resume 20+ hours a day, as things started to stabilize again I could get at least a few hours a day of sanity elbowed in. There have been a couple times over the past 6 years where I had the potential to pull-up & get truly stable, again, but life stuff decided otherwise. C’est la vie.
The past 8 years could really be split into

- 2 Prequel Years; where I could have caught myself if I’d known better.

- 2 years everything went bad, and I lost everything

- 2 years where everything got worse, but I didn’t have anything left to lose, so my life stayed roughly the same

- 2 years where things started to get much better, but my life stayed the same, because better wasn’t good enough -yet- to rebuild))

 

[Wonder Woman]

I haven’t responded because my trauma was all in my adulthood, and your OP was specifically looking for CSA... but this caught my eye, reading through.

Spoiler: Although, for the record / if curious about an adult complex trauma path out of crisis

The first few years were rather bad / rapidly devolving crisis that leveled out into 20+ hours a day of symptoms & losing everything. 6 years in I’m doing a helluva lot better with around 5 hours a day, most days, if we don’t count insomnia jags and anniversary nonsense. Like Nov-Feb of this year :wtf: Wasn’t bad-bad, I’ve had a helluva lot worse, but I was still only sleeping twice a week, on average, for about 4 hours.

I had a lot of stressors those first few years, which certainly didn’t help... and the best I could manage was to tread water where I was at, and more commonly things took a turn for the worse, instead. For example, havin to testify/speak to a panel about some of my BigBad? Pretty much cost me 2 years of my life. I was very nearly nonfunctional that entire time period / it was a relief to resume 20+ hours a day, as things started to stabilize again I could get at least a few hours a day of sanity elbowed in. There have been a couple times over the past 6 years where I had the potential to pull-up & get truly stable, again, but life stuff decided otherwise. C’est la vie.

The past 8 years could really be split into
- 2 Prequel Years; where I could have caught myself if I’d known better.
- 2 years everything went bad, and I lost everything
- 2 years where everything got worse, but I didn’t have anything left to lose, so my life stayed roughly the same
- 2 years where things started to get much better, but my life stayed the same, because better wasn’t good enough -yet- to rebuild))

There hasn’t been a thread on general stability in awhile, it would be great to see one again (hint hint, otherwise known I’m about as subtle as a lead brick :D), because they’re always full of useful tips/tricks, and myriad ways to see things / think about things/ different paths to the same goal.

This is one of my answers from a 2017 thread about ‘what does stability look like to you’.

Well hell, I've never been stable in my entire life by that definition. Thank you for sharing it, by the way.

Your life sounds very similar to mine. As soon as I start to feel as if I may actually have a chance of making something of my life, something triggers me big time and all hell breaks lose.

Before, though, I was in a lot of denial and had many repressed memories I worked hard to keep at bay. Now, I'm just a traumatized, emotional mess. So, I guess I'm improving. At least my psychologist says so. Doesn't much feel that way.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Don't know if I should have stated a new post for this, but...

My f*ckin' great psychologist whom I thought I could trust, just said she wanted me to go somewhere in-patient. And she's going to reach out to my psychiatrist about it. I am so livid. I told her numerous times today, that I am committed to not harming myself. Which is true, and I've been very good resisting the urge to scrub my body.

I just need some help to deal with the rape sensations in my body. In-patient isn't going to help. I'll just be retraumatized and feel imprisoned. Why would she even suggest that? I'm so upset. And scared to death that they might have me committed against my will.

I am really starting to lose my faith.

 

[Chris-duck]

Did you ask your psychologist why they thought it'd be a good idea?

 

[Wonder Woman]

Losing my faith in other people. Felt the need to clarify. Lest someone thinks I'm giving up on myself.

 

[Wonder Woman]

She wants me to be medicated to help me. I spent the better part of two decades trying out vaious madications none helped, many made things worse. I tried so many combinations. I consider it self harm to try anymore.

I would like more support than I have, now. But being locked in a strange place with strangers will certainly amplify my symptoms.

 

[Rumors]

By stable, I mean able to sleep 4 or 5 hours per night; able to eat more than one small meal a day, able to shower without the intense compulsion to scrub the heck out of my privates, able to feel like my life was not a complete waste. That kind of thing.

Its funny you post that... I suffer from HORRIBLE insomnia. I can go days without much sleep. Like an hour here and there or none. I can frequently vomit, not on purpose mind you and I have a shower compulsion where I just feel so dirty I have to take a shower at 1am. Its a struggle. I don't have answers but I feel your pain. 'very sorry you go through this too.

 

[Ronin]

One thing to consider...

Orienting just by emotions for how stable one's life is may not be the most relevant criterion. ;)

As in if I did psych tests more frequently than required so far? I'd be a total pooch screw. Got different disorders going on that are marked by markant & rapid fluidity & change of about everything, emotionality, preferences, reactions, hell down to reactions to alergens.

But? In the meantime, keeping down multiple jobs, housing that's paid for & mostly maintained, not botching socialization outside of work altogether, eat way better than I used to / actually give a f*ck for eating, kid caring & babysitting & youth advicing in a way that's quite responsible, aside of booze & smoking addictions free, my personal hygiene ain't suffering like some years I been homeless either, and I'm not putting myself into one crazy action over another for the kicks of it & f*ck life, I'm done-ery.

So that my sleep is thrown & I forgot to drink for halfa month the other time, yep. Are big deal issues. But it's not enough to declare my life an unbalanced mess.

Because how I function socially just isn't a mess. My emoting with me is. My self care is. But there's enough other anchors in reality that are solid as f*ck.

 

[Wonder Woman]

One thing to consider...

Orienting just by emotions for how stable one's life is may not be the most relevant criterion. ;)

As in if I did psych tests more frequently than required so far? I'd be a total pooch screw. Got different disorders going on that are marked by markant & rapid fluidity & change of about everything, emotionality, preferences, reactions, hell down to reactions to alergens.

But? In the meantime, keeping down multiple jobs, housing that's paid for & mostly maintained, not botching socialization outside of work altogether, eat way better than I used to / actually give a f*ck for eating, kid caring & babysitting & youth advicing in a way that's quite responsible, aside of booze & smoking addictions free, my personal hygiene ain't suffering like some years I been homeless either, and I'm not putting myself into one crazy action over another for the kicks of it & f*ck life, I'm done-ery.

So that my sleep is thrown & I forgot to drink for halfa month the other time, yep. Are big deal issues. But it's not enough to declare my life an unbalanced mess.

Because how I function socially just isn't a mess. My emoting with me is. My self care is. But there's enough other anchors in reality that are solid as f*ck.

I'm glad to know you're making progress, Ronin.

I agree there are many aspects to consider when determining if one is in a crisis state, or further along in the healing progression.

It sounds as if you've spent years making it through on your own. I wish continuing healing and a full life.