Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Ronin]

I agree there are many aspects to consider when determining if one is in a crisis state, or further along in the healing progression.

Thank you. ;)

I mostly think crisis vs not may be an incomplete dichotomy, is what I meant to say more.

A person's life can have chaos in some respects without it affecting the whole of their life, and how a crisis gets viewed can be more assistive & healthy or lesser... and that *is* within one's ability to alter, as what makes crises a 'crisis' is a personal perception.

Otherwise they are emergency situations vs not but neither of them have to be felt as a crisis.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Did you ask your psychologist why they thought it'd be a good idea?

Hi, Chris-duck. I spoke with my psychologist, and after we talked for a bit, she agreed that going in-patient was not the best option. She even apologized for scaring me, which surprised me. After we spoke, I think she gained a better understanding. That I don't want to hurt myself. I just sometimes end-up hurting myself in an attempt to feel clean/not feel the rape sensations. Also, I told her that I haven't done that in while.

So, I'm feeling relieved I get to stay in my home and not go to a psych ward.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Thank you. ;)

I mostly think crisis vs not may be an incomplete dichotomy, is what I meant to say more.

A person's life can have chaos in some respects without it affecting the whole of their life, and how a crisis gets viewed can be more assistive & healthy or lesser... and that *is* within one's ability to alter, as what makes crises a 'crisis' is a personal perception.

Otherwise they are emergency situations vs not but neither of them have to be felt as a crisis.

Wow, Ronin! There's a bunch in that post.

I guess for me crisis mode means that I am unable to escape the trauma, because it infiltrates every aspect of my life. I am unable to do basic things, such as sleep, eat, shower, etc. as I typically would. Further, I struggle to engage in life the way I would like to because of my triggers, flashbacks, anxiety, emotional unsteadiness, and the like. That's my definition of crisis mode.

And I agree with you wholeheartedly, you can function well in one area of your life and not so well in others. For years, I was high achieving at academics and work, but a hot-mess in romantic/sexual relationships. I was great as a mom and set healthy boundaries there, but I let my bosses and coworkers dump extra work and nonsense on my plate. So, yeah it's complicated.

I just want to feel as though my body were truly mine, but these body memories feel very intense and invasive. So, for now I remain in crisis mode.

 

[osiris]

I just want to feel as though my body were truly mine, but these body memories feel very intense and invasive. So, for now I remain in crisis mode.

I hear you @Wonder Woman
I hope you can find some better sleep options to take away some of these feelings and emotional realities that are hitting you at the moment. Your post made me think about body sensations earlier, so thank you for kicking that off.
Your body is yours, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. I’m sorry people and subsequent trauma memories have made you feel otherwise.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I hear you @Wonder Woman
I hope you can find some better sleep options to take away some of these feelings and emotional realities that are hitting you at the moment. Your post made me think about body sensations earlier, so thank you for kicking that off.
Your body is yours, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. I’m sorry people and subsequent trauma memories have made you feel otherwise.

Hi, Osiris. Intellectually I know my body is my own, but I have been used for my body from such an early age by so many people that it never has felt like mine. So, all of these rape-like feelings in my body, just reinforce the idea that I don't really have control of my body. And it seems as though there's no help for this. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, and heartbroken all at once.

 

[Ronin]

You do own & control your body.

Even when someone else violates you, and manipulates your body, it's still yours.

Their control limits the range of things you can do, how to act, and timing choices... but doesn't cancel ownership & control freedom, entirely.

 

[osiris]

Hi, Osiris. Intellectually I know my body is my own, but I have been used for my body from such an early age by so many people that it never has felt like mine. So, all of these rape-like feelings in my body, just reinforce the idea that I don't really have control of my body. And it seems as though there's no help for this. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, and heartbroken all at once.

I totally get it.
Is there anything you feel you can do for yourself to give yourself a bit of a break, like wearing a perfume that makes you feel good or dancing to a favourite song? I’m sorry you have all these overwhelming feelings right now.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I totally get it.
Is there anything you feel you can do for yourself to give yourself a bit of a break, like wearing a perfume that makes you feel good or dancing to a favourite song? I’m sorry you have all these overwhelming feelings right now.

This might seem odd, but when I get these rape-like feelings in my body, I also find it difficult to move freely. So, I haven't been exercising the way I would like to. These past two weeks have been particularly challenging. I have been searching for answers everywhere to no avail. My psychologist says I have a lot of trauma and I just have to be patient, because it's going to take a long time to get it out and process it. I journal every day. I listen to music most days, but when I haven’t slept in so long, like now, music just sounds like noise. It's as though the CSA and rape just own my body and my life. Things that usually help me, just don't right now.

 

[Wonder Woman]

You do own & control your body.

Even when someone else violates you, and manipulates your body, it's still yours.

Their control limits the range of things you can do, how to act, and timing choices... but doesn't cancel ownership & control freedom, entirely.

I get your point, Ronin. However, right now these physical sensations make me feel as if those who abused me and raped me are still in control. Particularly the rape when I was 12-years-old. I feel like my body is going through it now. Sometimes, I just feel the pain, but other times I feel the other feelings mixed with the pain. I just want those evil bastards out of my body and off of my mind.

It is as though those that hurt me are still hurting me, because they are. This is so miserable.

And if no one can tell me when it will end, or how to endure, it just makes me feel trapped in a way.

 

[osiris]

And if no one can tell me when it will end, or how to endure, it just makes me feel trapped in a way.

I think this is the bit that sadly no one can do, but we can be here with you and tell you we get it and will continue to listen.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I think this is the bit that sadly no one can do, but we can be here with you and tell you we get it and will continue to listen.

Thank you, Osiris. I'm just miserable and drained. Overwhelmed. Sorry if come across as a b*tch.

 

[osiris]

I'm just miserable and drained. Overwhelmed. Sorry if come across as a b*tch.

You don’t, and even if you did I think what you’ve been through gives you the right to be that sometimes.
There will be good and bad days (I am proof of that!). I hope you catch a good one really soon.