Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Wonder Woman]

You don’t, and even if you did I think what you’ve been through gives you the right to be that sometimes.
There will be good and bad days (I am proof of that!). I hope you catch a good one really soon.

Thank you. I hope you, I, and everyone else here will have many, many good days ahead. It is very sad that so many people have had similar experiences. I just don't get how everyone is handling things so much better than I am able to.

 

[osiris]

I just don't get how everyone is handling things so much better than I am able to.

I don’t think they necessarily are. You only see a tiny glimpse of people here and everyone is carrying scars and burdens of their own. A few people could already tell you some stories of just how badly I have been coping and that’s just yesterday ;)
Give yourself a bit more credit and hang in there.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I don’t think they necessarily are. You only see a tiny glimpse of people here and everyone is carrying scars and burdens of their own. A few people could already tell you some stories of just how badly I have been coping and that’s just yesterday ;)
Give yourself a bit more credit and hang in there.

Yes. You're correct. I don't see everyone else's whole picture. The thing is I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't get some real sleep and/or these body memories keep attacking me. When they first started it was intermittent, I had periods of relief. Now, it's pretty much 24/7, only the intensity fluctuates. It's been weeks, and I'm drained. And afraid it might not ever end.

It's as though I started writing about the abuse and reading it to my psychologist, and now my body is punishing me or something.

I'd like to take a bath, but the last time I did I remembered an incident in which bad things happened when I was very little, and I got the spidery feelings, and I started crying. So, it ended up being the opposite of relaxing. I use to always be able to soak in the tub to ease some of my stress, tension. But now, I'm afraid to try it again.

It's like everything I use to do to help take the edge off doesn't work anymore. And I'm out of ideas. ?

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I'm not too great with words at the moment, but will try. I entirely relate to what you're experiencing.....unfortunately. Things had been progressing in therapy for me and I was working on more and more things lately - rather all over the map tbh! Now I'm in this situation like you are with body memories, and constant tangled, twisted.....you know, you're in it too.

Also the situation you've had with things that used to soothe but now there's connections everywhere? Yup. It's not perfect, but I keep trying. I fall on my face, crawl, stand up, try something else. I guess, I hope eventually it will work. You haven't gotten this far along your journey without incredible strength. I think we lose sight on that fact so easily. What we used to do to compartmentalize, ignore, lock away our selves & emotions took tremendous strength to hold. It felt controlled and manageable, this now doesn't. But it's a road we're building inch by inch, we have to clear it before we can make a smooth surface. Sometimes our tools go missing, or we misplace them, so we have to go back to old tools that might not work as well, may not be healthiest....but they get us through until we can relocate the ones that work better.

This next bit I was gonna write in my diary, but thought maybe it could help someone else as well.....
With this whole Covid19 situation - there's a sense of not knowing when it will get better/end
My current body memories/brain noise has that in it too - not knowing when it would stop/if stop would be dead

I dunno....maybe it makes sense to you

 

[Ronin]

The thing is I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't get some real sleep and/or these body memories keep attacking me. When they first started it was intermittent, I had periods of relief. Now, it's pretty much 24/7, only the intensity fluctuates. It's been weeks, and I'm drained.

It's like everything I use to do to help take the edge off doesn't work anymore. And I'm out of ideas. ?

I think you need to sleep.
Need to force sleep.
Even with the reliving looping in.

Because what you describe is sleep deprivation + PTSD thrown to the mix.

You address sleep dep by forcing sleep. Meds if need be. Anything that safely knocks you out for a bit.

*Then* mind tackling the PTSD angle of it. Not first. Sleep first.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I'm not too great with words at the moment, but will try. I entirely relate to what you're experiencing.....unfortunately. Things had been progressing in therapy for me and I was working on more and more things lately - rather all over the map tbh! Now I'm in this situation like you are with body memories, and constant tangled, twisted.....you know, you're in it too.

Also the situation you've had with things that used to soothe but now there's connections everywhere? Yup. It's not perfect, but I keep trying. I fall on my face, crawl, stand up, try something else. I guess, I hope eventually it will work. You haven't gotten this far along your journey without incredible strength. I think we lose sight on that fact so easily. What we used to do to compartmentalize, ignore, lock away our selves & emotions took tremendous strength to hold. It felt controlled and manageable, this now doesn't. But it's a road we're building inch by inch, we have to clear it before we can make a smooth surface. Sometimes our tools go missing, or we misplace them, so we have to go back to old tools that might not work as well, may not be healthiest....but they get us through until we can relocate the ones that work better.

This next bit I was gonna write in my diary, but thought maybe it could help someone else as well.....
With this whole Covid19 situation - there's a sense of not knowing when it will get better/end
My current body memories/brain noise has that in it too - not knowing when it would stop/if stop would be dead

I dunno....maybe it makes sense to you

Hi, Warrior Chicken. I think you explained everthing very well. I'm so sorry that you can relate to my post, because it means you've lived through some messed-up stuff. In a way, it helps to know I'm not the only one suffering this way. On the other hand, it's sad to know that you get it, because of what you have endured.

You're right, I did spend a great deal of energy just trying to get through, and push all this junk aside.

There was a time when I was feeling strong, but not anymore. Now, I just feel broken.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I think you need to sleep.
Need to force sleep.
Even with the reliving looping in.

Because what you describe is sleep deprivation + PTSD thrown to the mix.

You address sleep dep by forcing sleep. Meds if need be. Anything that safely knocks you out for a bit.

*Then* mind tackling the PTSD angle of it. Not first. Sleep first.

I agree with you Ronin. However my body is resisting sleep right now. I slept for about an hour and a half last night, and I took a nap for about another hour. That's been typical for me the past two weeks. Because I sleep very lightly once I actually fall asleep. Plus, I have life-like nightmares in which I relive a very violent strangling and rape that I endured a the age of twelve.

I'm hopeful the 1mg of Prazosin my doctor prescribed will be helpful tonight. I'm kinda counting on it to work. Right now, I am simply reassuring myself that I just need to make it through today, then I will get some good sleep.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Update: the Prazosin doesn't seem to be helping. Or maybe I just need to give it more time. My lack of sleep is making me very impatient.

I'm going to call my psychiatrist in the morning to see if I need to give it more time to work, or what else I might do.

I need sleep. Restful sleep.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, psych meds usually need more time to work and aren't instanteous.

And good idea on the consult. :tup:

 

[Wonder Woman]

Yeah, psych meds usually need more time to work and aren't instanteous.

And good idea on the consult. :tup:

I did finally fall asleep. It took several hours. Best of all I did not wake-up with a nightmare. I awoke several times, but I was able to go back to sleep relatively quickly. I slept about 5 hours total. So I am very pleased with that.

Still having the awful rape sensations in my body. So that's something I still need to resolve somehow.

But for now, I'm going to take the good night's sleep as a "win."

 

[Wonder Woman]

I am unable to sleep tonight. I took the Prazosin over five hours ago, and still no sleep. This is torture.

No one else is awake, because it's the f*cking middle of the night. I am alone with my body feeling like it's being violated. I've been trying to ignore these messed-up sensations, by reading stuff on this site and posting when appropriate. However, these feelings are overwhelming me. And I don't know what to do to help myself.

Does anybody have any suggestions? Is anybody else even awake?

 

[rumor18894]

I am unable to sleep tonight. I took the Prazosin over five hours ago, and still no sleep. This is torture.

No one else is awake, because it's the f*cking middle of the night. I am alone with my body feeling like it's being violated. I've been trying to ignore these messed-up sensations, by reading stuff on this site and posting when appropriate. However, these feelings are overwhelming me. And I don't know what to do to help myself.

Does anybody have any suggestions? Is anybody else even awake?

I'm here. Not sure for how much longer, but if you need to rant, I'm listening.

This is a very personal and possibly not-good-for-you way that I deal with these feelings, but I often feel like I'm in more control of my body when I spend some alone time giving it happy sexual memories, if you get my meaning. It's like an overwrite of whatever's been done to me. (With a plus side of making me sleepy afterwards) Absolutely don't take this as concrete advice because I know it only works for me because I feel very comfortable with feeling sexual. On more thought, it might make things worse because I don't know the specifics of your situation.

Can you read something fluffy? Like a good romance novel or watch a movie? I'm a medical nerd so I often fall asleep watching surgery videos but not sure that's quite your style. Can you take a bath (NOT A SHOWER, just a soak) to reset your physical state?