Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Wonder Woman]

It's only frustrating because your abuser has taken away something that might help you. I'm so angry that he did that to you and that it has left you without many options for feeling safe calming down. It shouldn't have happened. I hope Ronin's advice about positions help!

In terms of trauma diary, I think the tool was used offline before it was used in this forum, right? Meaning if you didn't want to share it, you don't have to - the point is not to expose yourself to others but to put things down in writing and reread it until it becomes less scary (this is just going by the instructions in that forum so i may be wrong). You absolutely don't have to put it on the internet to start keeping one.

I'm so glad you were able to sleep some!! None of this is your fault.

Hi, rumor. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you angry. Thank you for putting up with me, and trying to help. I really do appreciate it.

As far as the trauma diary thing, l am writing tons of pages every day in my journal trying to purge all the things I have kept stuffed down all these years. So, I think that might be redundant. There's just so much, and one memory bounces into another, and like an avalanche the tumble over me, and I feel buried alive under this cold mess alone.

 

[Ronin]

I understand those fears with the whole diary thing, but...

I don't think people would judge you just for traumatic upbringing.
You were a kid.
Part of trauma healing?
Is getting to that perception...
That those inflicting harm on you then were wrong, not that you are.

And I had some aware of who I am here, in real life.
It truly doesn't get as dramatic and horrific as trauma glasses paint it be.

And if anyone realistically went for assault?
(Had that too, a couple of times, for things I'd written, helped write, or provided materials for.)
What they do is both highly illegal...
And on them.

Not for you deciding to write about your life.

The perception you 'make' people angry and then abusive, and the need to please them, are just other two tootally abuse typpical cognitions that could use some challenging, too, to get healthier.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I understand those fears with the whole diary thing, but...

I don't think people would judge you just for traumatic upbringing.
You were a kid.
Part of trauma healing?
Is getting to that perception...
That those inflicting harm on you then were wrong, not that you are.

And I had some aware of who I am here, in real life.
It truly doesn't get as dramatic and horrific as trauma glasses paint it be.

And if anyone realistically went for assault?
(Had that too, a couple of times, for things I'd written, helped write, or provided materials for.)
What they do is both highly illegal...
And on them.

Not for you deciding to write about your life.

The perception you 'make' people angry and then abusive, and the need to please them, are just other two tootally abuse typpical cognitions that could use some challenging, too, to get healthier.

There is a part of my brain that understands and knows what you are saying is true. However, there is this other part of me, in my heart maybe, that just doesn't think all those truths apply to me.

I've always been better at helping other people than I've been at helping myself. I just don't know what to do at this point. I quite literally have pushed almost everyone in my life away from me.

I am doing the absolute best I can. I do want to heal. I do want a decent, if not good, life. I just don't know how to get there. I feel like there is this secret to living well that everyone else just knows, but I can't seem to figure it out.

Thank you for helping. It means a lot to me.

 

[rumor18894]

Hi, rumor. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you angry. Thank you for putting up with me, and trying to help. I really do appreciate it.

As far as the trauma diary thing, l am writing tons of pages every day in my journal trying to purge all the things I have kept stuffed down all these years. So, I think that might be redundant. There's just so much, and one memory bounces into another, and like an avalanche the tumble over me, and I feel buried alive under this cold mess alone.

I'm not angry at you at all!!! You didn't make me angry and I'm not just putting up with you. It's not your fault.

 

[Wonder Woman]

@Ronin
You mentioned that you've had some people figure out your real-life identity. If I may ask, how did that go? Were they people who experienced CSA, too? I'm just wondering.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I'm not angry at you at all!!! You didn't make me angry and I'm not just putting up with you. It's not your fault.

Thank you for being patient.

Here's the issue, I know all about child development and tons of information related to learning, trauma, and stuff. Without saying too much to identify my profession , I used to (I am on disability, now) work with young children, and spent years learning how to help them. I was very good at my job, and I (intellectually) know that I have helped many children. However, I cannot seem to take that intellectual, head knowledge and apply it to myself. It doesn't matter what my head knows, because somewhere inside I feel as though it doesn't apply to me.

I feel like my intrinsic evilness drove people to abuse me. I feel like I turned a kind, thoughtful, loving man into someone who almost killed me; he had never laid a hand on me during the previous 3.5 years we were together; then one evening out of nowhere he strangled me in his kitchen; he said he stopped, because he was afraid I was dying; I lost consciousness. The thing is he knew that when I was raped at 12, the rapist had strangled me to subdue me. I never, ever thought for a moment that he could have ever done this to anyone, let alone me. I feel like I turned him into that. By all accounts, he is happily married now, and a great family man, contributing member of society.

And I am a huge mess, no one wants to be around. So, tell me: What am I supposed to conclude?

 

[Ronin]

@Ronin
If I may ask, how did that go? Were they people who experienced CSA, too? I'm just wondering.

Sure thing.
Some I've ignored, because it really wasn't some deep detective work they thought it is, other ma'am I had a nice chat with (no abuse histories, herself) and she was glad I have a working support network, and other than these the people having my handle are those I trust (and kinda frequently mention when things are pooch screw.)

Well. Other than my exH.
But given he can't influence the only person I need safe from him, and I got both healthier & more backup than when I was with him, I don't consider that a risk.

 

[Ronin]

And no.

People don't have the power to turn decent men into dirty murderers overnight.

(On purpose saying murderers, not killers; meaning distinction.)

Tldr it wasn't any of your traits that would make him do that, and I'm sorry. Truly.

 

[Wonder Woman]

And no.

People don't have the power to turn decent men into dirty murderers overnight.

(On purpose saying murderers, not killers; meaning distinction.)

Tldr it wasn't any of your traits that would make him do that, and I'm sorry. Truly.

I get that you believe what you are saying, but it doesn't make sense any other way.

Everything I've read about domestic / intimate partner violence indicates that people just don't one day strangle someone, they commit other acts of violence first. Everything I read said this. So, it makes sense that something in me triggered him to hurt me like that. Like my evilness influenced him.

 

[Ronin]

Does it help if I say I dated people who from sweet decent years long went straight to torture?

Honestly.
That some forms of DV / crime are underdocumented thus research on them lacking, does not make it the vic's fault.

Just that researchers aren't familiar.

 

[somerandomguy]

Everything I've read about domestic / intimate partner violence indicates that people just don't one day strangle someone, they commit other acts of violence first. Everything I read said this. So, it makes sense that something in me triggered him to hurt me like that. Like my evilness influenced him.

So ... I kind of used to get tripped up on this. The fact that what you read says that something is a certain way doesn't actually mean that it can't be any other way, nor that it can never be a different way.

To assume you are the cause of your victimhood is very common among survivors. But the fact is that we are NEVER the reason that violence was committed against us.

I am a living example. I asked my ex-wife to abuse me. I even begged her to abuse me. And I used to think that I had no right to victimhood because of it - the fact that I said that I wanted it meant it was entirely my fault when she did it.

It wasn't my fault. She gaslit me into me asking for it. And even if that hadn't happened, it STILL wasn't my fault. If the tables had been turned, and she had asked me to beat her up and I had complied, which of us would have gone to jail?

There is always choice. Your assailant chose to commit violence against you. That was his choice entirely. You had no control over this choice. You are not to blame.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Does it help if I say I dated people who from sweet decent years long went straight to torture?

Honestly.
That some forms of DV / crime are underdocumented thus research on them lacking, does not make it the vic's fault.

Just that researchers aren't familiar.

But it still doesn't add-up.

How can someone go from kind, loving, supportive to strangling in a split second?

My psychologist insist there had to be warning signs, but I've analyzed the f*ck out of our relationship, and can't find any.

It's so confusing.