Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Ronin]

So there weren't warning signs.
That makes it worse in many ways.
But not NotReal. It happened the way it has.

Doesn't mean you made him to.
Just that he chose to.
That is, in its entirety, on him.

 

[somerandomguy]

That some forms of DV / crime are underdocumented thus research on them lacking, does not make it the vic's fault.

DV/IPV is one of the least well-researched forms of violence in the US/Canada/Australia, because it's become extremely political, which has destroyed all useful research about it. Currently, the only worthwhile research about DV is coming from Europe, and even there it's still a hugely political topic.

 

[Wonder Woman]

So ... I kind of used to get tripped up on this. The fact that what you read says that something is a certain way doesn't actually mean that it can't be any other way, nor that it can never be a different way.

To assume you are the cause of your victimhood is very common among survivors. But the fact is that we are NEVER the reason that violence was committed against us.

I am a living example. I asked my ex-wife to abuse me. I even begged her to abuse me. And I used to think that I had no right to victimhood because of it - the fact that I said that I wanted it meant it was entirely my fault when she did it.

It wasn't my fault. She gaslit me into me asking for it. And even if that hadn't happened, it STILL wasn't my fault. If the tables had been turned, and she had asked me to beat her up and I had complied, which of us would have gone to jail?

There is always choice. Your assailant chose to commit violence against you. That was his choice entirely. You had no control over this choice. You are not to blame.

Hi, somerandomguy. I'm sorry you ex-wife abused you like that. I'm glad you were able to leave.

If it were just one person, I might be persuaded. But seriously, I can't count the number of people who have abused me. (I tried listing them, but I don't know all of their names, so it became hard to count.) That many people assaulting me in one way or another shows that, as my dad says, I am the common denominator. I have had counselors and psychologists even ask me what I did to make people think it was okay to do these things to me.

I don't think it's okay that people treat me badly. But I must be doing something, because it keeps happening.

Decent, good people, who everyone agrees are kind, helpful and all around great. Somehow, I bring something out in them that causes them to assault me.

I just don't get it.

 

[somerandomguy]

I don't think it's okay that people treat me badly. But I must be doing something, because it keeps happening.

It's been shown that victims of CSA have a much, much greater chance of being abused again (and often again and again and again) as adults.

One unhelpful way of looking at is is that they are the common denominator, so it's their faults. (I wonder if your dad has ever been a victim of trauma.)

A more helpful way of looking at it is that people are often drawn to revictimization because it's what they know. It feels "right" to them. And mostly it's subconscious - they often aren't aware that my they are seeking to be retraumatized. Obviously, blaming folks who do this isn't going to do much good, because it's really not their fault.

 

[Wonder Woman]

So there weren't warning signs.
That makes it worse in many ways.
But not NotReal. It happened the way it has.

Doesn't mean you made him to.
Just that he chose to.
That is, in its entirety, on him.

None. He wasn't the kind of person to fly off the handle. He dealt with things head-on, was able to express his emotions. Heck, he was the 1st person I have ever felt comfortable enough with to cry.

He was really helping to support me opening up about my childhood assaults and rape. He understood and respected my needs with physical intimacy. When our couples counselor recommended that we take a break from sexual contact, he agreed and was supportive.

He supported me in working toward goals I had set for myself. He paid my security deposit so I could get my own apartment, and not have roommates. He encouraged me to try things I wanted to do, and helped me face my fears.

He took care of me after I had surgery. He took my car to the shop when it needed repairs, and let me drive his car.

It's like he just snapped. I can't explain it.

I had to really stuff my feelings down in order to break-up with him. Because I new I could never trust him after that, even though I still loved him and all of my best memories (at that point in my life) included him.

Our break-up sent me into a tail-spin. I couldn't continue with my counselor, be she was covered under his insurance, not mine. I lost the only two people who knew about some of my childhood junk. So, I was left unsupported.

I was too ashamed to confide what had happened to my friends, and I doubt anyone would believe me, because I could hardly believe it and it had happened to me.

So I reverted to old coping mechanisms and added some new, self-destructive ones, too.

 

[Wonder Woman]

It's been shown that victims of CSA have a much, much greater chance of being abused again (and often again and again and again) as adults.

One unhelpful way of looking at is is that they are the common denominator, so it's their faults. (I wonder if your dad has ever been a victim of trauma.)

A more helpful way of looking at it is that people are often drawn to revictimization because it's what they know. It feels "right" to them. And mostly it's subconscious - they often aren't aware that my they are seeking to be retraumatized. Obviously, blaming folks who do this isn't going to do much good, because it's really not their fault.

I'm very familiar with all of that research.

It just doesn't add-up in my case.

People who aren't abusive, somehow become abusive toward me.

 

[Ronin]

Means they *are* abusive...

Just time it to get to you worse.
A predator waiting for an opportunity or grooming their vic to be unsuspecting & easy going is on them.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Means they *are* abusive...

Just time it to get to you worse.
A predator waiting for an opportunity or grooming their vic to be unsuspecting & easy going is on them.

Not sure I am understanding what you are trying to say.

 

[Ronin]

You can't bring out in people something that isn't them, ever, under any circumstances.

If it comes out then it's been them all time long. Just waiting for time / chance / settings to manifest.

 

[Wonder Woman]

You can't bring out in people something that isn't them, ever, under any circumstances.

If it comes out then it's been them all time long. Just waiting for time / chance / settings to manifest.

Well, that thought is even scarier, because that means anyone or everyone is a potential violent assailant. If someone can hide that so well, for years in various contexts, then the world is truly a dangerous place.

What is the point then, if anyone could snap and attack me?

 

[Rumors]

Hi, Rumors. Is there a particular book that you found helpful for learning this?

Yes, I have read Self Compassion by Kristen Neff and then there is a Mindfulness Self Compassion work book that is helpful. There is also a website centerformsc.org which is a mindfulness website that is even offering free meditation right now. The more trauma survivors can acknowledge the pain in which they went through and titrate that pain with some self compassion, things begin to break loose. You can't live in hyper vigilant mode all the time. You touch the pain and then move away from it and practice some kindness and then touch it again. Small doses. It takes a lot of practice to make the mindful compassion stick. I don't get it all the time but if you can find a therapist that is willing to work with you on this, it could help. Sending you loads of peace for sleep tonight. Check out the website and the meditation...

 

[Wonder Woman]

Yes, I have read Self Compassion by Kristen Neff and then there is a Mindfulness Self Compassion work book that is helpful. There is also a website centerformsc.org which is a mindfulness website that is even offering free meditation right now. The more trauma survivors can acknowledge the pain in which they went through and titrate that pain with some self compassion, things begin to break loose. You can't live in hyper vigilant mode all the time. You touch the pain and then move away from it and practice some kindness and then touch it again. Small doses. It takes a lot of practice to make the mindful compassion stick. I don't get it all the time but if you can find a therapist that is willing to work with you on this, it could help. Sending you loads of peace for sleep tonight. Check out the website and the meditation...

Thank you, Rumors, for getting back to me and giving me the specifics on things you've found helpful. I am going to check-out the website, and look into getting the books.

Thank you for the peace, too.

Sending you warm thoughts.?