I am really torn in all different ways by this: of course, the reality of it and the immense suffering and loss of so many :( :cry: ; my own selfishness at my own needs, which do not compare and should not matter; the observations of how people are trying to deal with aspects I've had to deal with, but without the offered assistance; the gratitude of working (for now), but immense stress & fear at work daily, not of getting it but transmitting it, and other aspects that may not be huge but are unbearable for me; the unimportance of my life but the realization of fragility, and time; the surprise that people are not used to dealing with unexpected death, and the derailing of life/ plans, or somehow take it for granted; the horror of knowing what's coming for others, and perhaps even close or self; the fear for the future, as in immediate future; the awareness that overcoming triggers isn't a question of mind over matter; the familiarity of crisis and how self care becomes irrelevant, if not extinct; the awareness I lack visual memory; the awareness that for a very long time my thoughts, desires, needs, and such are very different than the way others view, or 'can' view, life; concerns of whether I would be caught flat-footed, financially, or with my will, or in some other manner (not fear of death as much as the implications); my inability to feel definitions the way others' can- be it needs, wants, life, home, family, safety, continuity, trust, future, worth, and the like; not sure what I'm in, or there would be to return to; self-centered if/ when not other-directed, at such a time, because it seems pretty selfish and closed off to be concerned about restoring only my own equilibrium or universe when so many other's is shredded. :( If that makes sense?
