I'm Not Going To Make It Through The Winter

[goingonhope]

No! I'm quite glad you're posting. I've identified with this. What rings a bell in my head is that it sounds like it is 'impending doom' that you're experiencing. Now I haven't been able to keep up on your length of abstinence from alcohol, but just in case you didn't know there is nothing at all unique or unusual about experiencing many feelings of impending doom following putting down the drink. Nothing at all unusual there, in fact it's quite common and lasts for sometime, but can just up and lift with continuing recoveries and proper stress management. Certainly don't know for sure, but that is what's binging and ringing in my head; feelings of Impending Doom! ; Not facts, just feelings.

Nothing to worry about here.

 

[Iam]

Hi Jade,

I've had vision of my death, wondering who if anyone would be at my funeral, but never the sense of a shortened life that you are speaking of. However, reading your post makes me think of my brother, who no doubt has PTSD as well considering we grew up in the same hell of an existence and he displays all the symptoms of PTSD.

He has always had a sense of dying by 30 yrs of age and literally lived his life experiencing everything he could because he believed it. He is now 54 so obviously it didn't happen. He still has this forboding every year that he is at the end of his life. I never understood why he has believed this until I read your thread and it all clicked.

I do hope that this is jsut a symptom of PTSD for you. I have a sense that it is related to all the memories that you have been dealing with lately. I wonder if it could be attached to one of those or something that is just starting to surface.

What I find hopeful is that you don't want to die. You are fighting so hard to work thru all this horrendous stuff and you are making tremendous progress. Maybe when you discuss this with your T more will come to light for you. I hope so, I'd hate to see you go thru the winter worrying about this. You deserve to live, not just survive but to live and enjoy the life you have. To see your boys straighten their lives out, experience the joy that of all those grandchildren will bring you and grow old with your husband. And they deserve to live all those things with you. (((HUGS)))

 

[Tinyflame]

Jadebear, most of my family either died on the early side or were told they would- (and didn't!). I know for me terrible things and deaths have happened right after moments of happiness, large or small, and that has kind of made a 'Pavlov's effect"/ sense of impending doom. But also, not feeling well physically contributes, and I think the reality (even subconscious) of how close one can get to packing it in with ptsd also contributes. Or perhaps the thought of packing it in is like facing the fear or thought down- "I'm going anyway".

I heard yesterday that because things can be so frightening and unnerving, that in-and-of-itself seems to lead to not being able to imagine any future. That's sure my experience, never thought of it that way.

Hang in there, and hey, no one knows how long we've got, why don't we have more fun, then? At least maybe be a little kind to ourselves. :)

(And P.S.- it's not 'stupid' or 'psycho', you are just trying to put into words how and what you feel/ think of. Lots of us feel similar- it's a symptom of ptsd too. I could never 'see' myself in a future, as others could).

 

[AdamAnt]

I see you on a wonderful spring day Jadebear...

I really admire that you don't censor yourself because of what others might think. Many times you are the one unafraid to express what many others feel but can't put into words, so because of you issues get addressed and dragged into the light that might not have otherwise...how ironic that you see that as a weakness!

 

[Jestadud]

Iam, you're not my sister are you? Ok you stuck a year on me and knocked a couple off yourself but that's to be expected! lol

I always thought I'd be dead by 30 and remember my mates wife reminding me of it on my 30th. I was a bit embarrassed at still being alive and wished she hadn't mentioned it as it felt to me like I'd gotten away with something. Even today it still feels like I've got away with something or managed to put off the inevitable.

I don't feel that it's a willingness to die more a readiness, if you can make sense of that!

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow AdamAnt, that's a positive (and right) way to think of it!
Brave, Jadebear- a strength like AdamAnt said.

 

[Iam]

LOL Jestadud...I could only handle one brother ;o)

I am glad you are here and made it past 30! A readiness to die is fine, wanting to......that is sad.

 

[faerie0101]

I just wanted to add another voice of validation. I was completely convinced for a few years that I would die at age 32. I believed it so much that I bought several life insurance policies on a credit card and made my funeral arrangements in the months leading up to my 32nd birthday. I am now 35. I am still making payments on that stupid credit card. I had kind of counted on my beneficiaries paying it off with one of the payouts. It's a tough way to learn a lesson, but it definitely taught me well. I will never act on my unfounded beliefs like that again. I do think it was all a manifestation of my PTSD and that awful cloud of impending doom that it spreads over everything.

 

[TLight]

I have felt like this in my life a lot. It waxes and wanes a bit in intensity, but I believe it is definately a symptom of PTSD.

My life has gotten a lot easier in the last 7 years, I have a husband who is the greatest, we are building a cabin in the country, I am doing my writing, and we are apparantly about to inherent a lot of money.

Still, inside I feel like on somedays I won't even make it to the next week. I look forward to living over in our cabin because it is where I want to die (I don't want to die here.......too much rain). I try to force myself to look at cabin colors, design stuff, what kind of horse I'm gonna get...........it is just that, forcing. In my truth of truth I know it is all going to go bad somewhere.

I have CPTSD. I try to step back and recognize that this is not how my heart feels, it is what my mind is telling me. If I can get some distance from that mind, a mind that thinks life is terrible because of course it always has been, then I can get ahold of some of the emotions.

Hang in their JadeBear........it is just the disorder we have. IT IS NOT WHO WE ARE. Perhaps this will help you deal with the tricks our minds are tormenting us with.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Jadebear,

I have been there. I have felt strongly I'd never live past the age my Mother was when she died, which is 50 - just seven years from now.

A 12 Step Sponsor challenged me a few years back to 'plan as if I was wrong' and...though I still feel this, I am 'acting as if' the better thing - living - might happen. Doesn't mean I feel it, but it is moving me forward.

I greatly value what you bring to this forum. May you find some peace and hope for yourself. You've certainly brought some to me, and I thank you.

 

[Jade-]

I see you on a wonderful spring day Jadebear...!

Still seeing that AdamAnt?

 

[BloomInWinter]

I am, Jadebear.

I can visualize your avatar appearing on many, many replies this spring & summer, telling us how you made it through, how good things are happening for you, how you're not letting the !$#!##$!!!! take your joy out of your living your life as YOU want to.

You are courageous and I get so much from your shares.

Sending you wishes for comfort, peace, hope, warmth, and joyfulness in your life that pushes you through this winter.