I'm a psycho gf

[PTSDisaster]

I always thought I'm a psycho jealous girlfriend. I'm feeling litterally sick, my heartrate goes up and I'll probably vomit when I think about my boyfriend for example watching porn. I know it has nothing to do with me, but it really makes me sick. I told my therapist about this but she says I'm not jealous, but it's my PTSD. My father sexually abused me, but he also made me watch porn with him, so my therapist says it's because of the trauma that I can't handle my boyfriend watching porn.
I'm losing my mind, because when I think about my traumas I don't feel anything. It doesn't bother me, I can't feel what I felt back then. So I can't really believe that I'm having those feelings right now because I don't know how I felt back then.
On the other hand, a few months ago I was introducing my boyfriend to my father and my father had bought a new television. So he wanted to show the quality by looking for a specific channel, right where you can find the pornchannels. My father clicked on a channel named something like 'nature HD Live' and I really started freaking out, I wasn't surprised at all whilst my traumas with him are 10 years ago, but it freaked me out. I felt the same as I do now when I think about my boyfriend watching porn. ( it wasn't a porn channel btw, it was litterally animals doing animal shit like walking and eating)
My boyfriend doesn't watch porn right now because he thinks it's more important to let me deal with some stuff and not letting me stress so much about things like this, so that's really kind of him. But I started being stressed out and having panick attacks about things that are way less than porn. So I keep stressing about things, but when the stressor is gone, I will find something else to stress about and it's a neverending circle.

Can anyone relate to this? And does anyone know some tips I can apply or something?

I'm sorry for the long story and probably the spelling mistakes

 

[Ohmygosh]

I can totally relate to this. Years ago m BF wanted to watch Game of Thrones or something... I don't know if that's what it was. I remember the incest stuff going on in it, like it was OK because it was "old/ancient times" and part of the story plot.

I had a panic episode and I didn't realize it totatlly, just that it made me feel very sick, like a growing feeling as I tried to sit there and not have a guttural reaction.

I never watched the show. Most of my coworkers were into after it was more mainstream and that's what I remembered and thought about when they talked about it. I watched it for 15 minutes and started shaking and getting sick. Try explaining that at the water cooler, nope. Just keep it inside.

My boyfriend thought I was stupid. Made me feel worse and invalidated.
- -
Another memorable moment long before that in my early twenties, I was at a party with another boyfriend. His coworker said his dad molested him, and he was fine. He could go on normally. No big deal. I got really uncomfortable. I felt very uneasy and not a part of the group. This boyfrind didn't validate me at that time too. Instead he was embarrassed or something.

Dated cold guys, I guess.

If I felt more safe, overall, maybe I would have felt les vulnerable at those peak times. Like my instincts knew these guys were self-centered or didn't have my back.

I wonder if you might have been feeling vunderable (subconsciosly) because you were near your dad. I don't know you. You said that you have a therapist for that kind of stuff. So, I am not worried about your relationship with dad, if you are working on that for some reason.

Just a couple thoughts. But, yes. I agree. The uneasy feelings come up out of the blue. That's why I signed into this site. My first day here and a I hope you guys can help me if there are reply rules I need to know. I am naive to the online stuff.

 

[PTSDisaster]

I can totally relate to this. Years ago m BF wanted to watch Game of Thrones or something... I don't know if that's what it was. I remember the incest stuff going on in it, like it was OK because it was "old/ancient times" and part of the story plot.

I had a panic episode and I didn't realize it totatlly, just that it made me feel very sick, like a growing feeling as I tried to sit there and not have a guttural reaction.

I never watched the show. Most of my coworkers were into after it was more mainstream and that's what I remembered and thought about when they talked about it. I watched it for 15 minutes and started shaking and getting sick. Try explaining that at the water cooler, nope. Just keep it inside.

My boyfriend thought I was stupid. Made me feel worse and invalidated.
- -
Another memorable moment long before that in my early twenties, I was at a party with another boyfriend. His coworker said his dad molested him, and he was fine. He could go on normally. No big deal. I got really uncomfortable. I felt very uneasy and not a part of the group. This boyfrind didn't validate me at that time too. Instead he was embarrassed or something.

Dated cold guys, I guess.

If I felt more safe, overall, maybe I would have felt les vulnerable at those peak times. Like my instincts knew these guys were self-centered or didn't have my back.

I wonder if you might have been feeling vunderable (subconsciosly) because you were near your dad. I don't know you. You said that you have a therapist for that kind of stuff. So, I am not worried about your relationship with dad, if you are working on that for some reason.

Just a couple thoughts. But, yes. I agree. The uneasy feelings come up out of the blue. That's why I signed into this site. My first day here and a I hope you guys can help me if there are reply rules I need to know. I am naive to the online stuff.

Thank you! I always feel a bit more comfortable knowing I'm not the only one. I'm also new here so I don't really know how things work around here either. But your feelings of panic when these sorts of things happen, you know it's because of the ptsd?

I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend, he really is all I ever wanted, but yesterday I found out he watched some clip about women with big breasts in the thumpnail (eventually this video wasn't about that at all and he says he just clicked because he knows the thumpnail was to get more views and he know the guy who posted it because he always posts videos with those thumpnails while it's not about that just for the views.) But I was getting so far with controlling myself to not get paranoid or suspicious anymore about what he is doing on his phone while I'm not in the same room with him. And I feel like my trust is broken, like this is THE comfirmation I was looking for all the time. I don't want to get a setback in how far I've come. It feels like I need to start all over again with building my trust with him.
You should know, he really CAN be trusted, and I know that when thinking about him. BUT I don't feel like I can trust him. And I somehow cannot connect my mind and my feelings.

I think it won't help breaking up with him, just so I don't have to stress about everything anymore. But right now all I want is to not think about whatever he wants to do and feel some rest in my brains.

 

[Ronin]

Thing is, even if he were into porn or some types of it that are unstomachable to you...

That doesn't mean he is a rapist.
Or anything like your rapist.
Or condoning rape & assault at all.

They're movies. Made by actors. Who not only know their limits - but enjoy their work - and would very quickly fire & sue people actually assaulting, or even harassing, others on scene.

* * *

Imho your trigger being porn?
And any thoughts of it &
It being something people are into,

And connected issue of how inseparable porn is with sexual violence in your mind?

Those are way more concrete issues to work on, than what other people watch or think of.

And these issues won't disappear if you break up with him.

Because they are not about him.
They are about your trauma, and how it effects YOU.

 

[PTSDisaster]

@Ronin Well not I don't have issues with porn in general, I know my friends are watching porn and I'm fine with that (maybe because they're women? idk)
I can't really place why I feel like this or what I think when feeling like this. I know I'm beautiful the way I am, but at the same time it makes me feel so incredibly insecure. I will never look like that, I'm having a beautiful figure but because I'm thin I don't have big breasts. I keep thinking that my bf will leave me for someone who does have bigger breasts etc.

I can't explain exactly the way I feel or think because the thoughts go 74837438 km/h. So every stressor has so many many many thoughts and feelings that I can't place where it comes from or what bothers me the most. It feels like I'm fighting with myself over and over again all the time

 

[Ronin]

He's with you :)

Just looking at others doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with them, or finds your body shape insufficient in any way, or not appealing. In a number of ways.

I can look at beautiful paintings in a gallery, and still not want any of them in my living room. And find the prospect of them in my room hideous, even. THAT somewhere to look at every day? :shifty: No waay. :bored:

And people are waay more complex than paintings. :tup:

Wondering if anti-anxiety meds might help you with what sounds a sky high anxiety that's -extra- offset by this stressor?

 

[PTSDisaster]

He's with you :)

Just looking at others doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with them, or finds your body shape insufficient in any way, or not appealing. In a number of ways.

I can look at beautiful paintings in a gallery, and still not want any of them in my living room. And find the prospect of them in my room hideous, even. THAT somewhere to look at every day? :shifty: No waay. :bored:

And people are waay more complex than paintings. :tup:

Wondering if anti-anxiety meds might help you with what sounds a sky high anxiety that's -extra- offset by this stressor?

Thank you that's a nice way of explaining things:)

I don't think I want anxiety meds. I can still handle life, not as good as I used to, but I want to solve the problems when I can still feel them. I only take anxiety meds when I really can't handle it anymore and that's a few times a year. I don't want to get addicted or dependent

 

[Ronin]

There's different classes of meds, even though don't know the situation where you are as not all states have similar supply possibilities & providers may not be either familiar, or authorized to prescribe out-of-state medication orders.

Or it may not be feasible for logistical reasons.

Not meaning to be pushy about your private medical choices at all -

Just noticed in your intro posts you mentioned rather strong reactions and nausea & all, and now mention again how recurring issue it is for you and making functioning hard...

So wondering aside of emergency medication, maybe more options for safer regular use could do some good.

Not all medication is addictive or numbing out all emotion.

 

[PTSDisaster]

There's different classes of meds, even though don't know the situation where you are as not all states have similar supply possibilities & providers may not be either familiar, or authorized to prescribe out-of-state medication orders.

Or it may not be feasible for logistical reasons.

Not meaning to be pushy about your private medical choices at all -

Just noticed in your intro posts you mentioned rather strong reactions and nausea & all, and now mention again how recurring issue it is for you and making functioning hard...

So wondering aside of emergency medication, maybe more options for safer regular use could do some good.

Not all medication is addictive or numbing out all emotion.

Thank you! I will look further into it:)

 

[DharmaGirl]

I take BuSpar for anxiety. It is not addictive nor does it numb me out at all. Everybody is different, so you might not get the same results. It sounds like with all the crazy in the world, your stress cup is overflowing a lot, and you could use some down time. It sounds like you're triggered by the TV at your dad's, and your thought of your boyfriend watching porn. Can you work with your therapist on these triggers? Maybe look for red flags before they happen so you can do some self soothing? It's a hard illness to have.

 

[Justmehere]

So what's up with being so hard on yourself?

You are having a trauma based response to a trigger. You are looking for a way to manage differently. You are being super wise about not over-using anxiety meds.

No reason to engage in name calling of yourself.

There are MANY possible tools that can be used to manage trauma responses.... but I want to first put this all into context. Your father sexually abused you. After trauma, we develop fight or flight responses to keep ourselves safe. Just being around someone who abuses us can start to kick up those survival responses. The mere possibility of father now doing ANYTHING around sex? porn, whatever, I mean... yeah. Makes sense why you are jumpy about it.

One of the horrible things about sexual abuse is that is combines what should be a safe pleasurable experience with fear and invasion. Eventually the brain can get classically conditioned to see sex = threat. Or man getting pleasure off sex = threat. Just like if someone get's hit by someone wearing a purple shirt over and over, they may become jumpy around people wearing purple shirts.

Your boyfriend sounds really awesome to be avoiding the trigger of porn, and what you may be experiencing now is that avoiding a trigger doesn't make it better over time. Jumping into it headlong also doesn't often work.

For now, I'd consider looking into "grounding skills." There are a ton of good resources that can be found via your favorite search engine and threads on this site too. These are skills than can help lower responses to triggers and stressors. They are good tools to reduce the anxiety and the suffering from it.

Then I'd suggest working with a good therapist about working through the trauma so that you can navigate these experiences in a healthier way.

Most of all, ease up on being so hard on yourself. You are taking good steps to face a difficult issue. I commend you for your bravery.

 

[PTSDisaster]

So what's up with being so hard on yourself?

You are having a trauma based response to a trigger. You are looking for a way to manage differently. You are being super wise about not over-using anxiety meds.

No reason to engage in name calling of yourself.

There are MANY possible tools that can be used to manage trauma responses.... but I want to first put this all into context. Your father sexually abused you. After trauma, we develop fight or flight responses to keep ourselves safe. Just being around someone who abuses us can start to kick up those survival responses. The mere possibility of father now doing ANYTHING around sex? porn, whatever, I mean... yeah. Makes sense why you are jumpy about it.

One of the horrible things about sexual abuse is that is combines what should be a safe pleasurable experience with fear and invasion. Eventually the brain can get classically conditioned to see sex = threat. Or man getting pleasure off sex = threat. Just like if someone get's hit by someone wearing a purple shirt over and over, they may become jumpy around people wearing purple shirts.

Your boyfriend sounds really awesome to be avoiding the trigger of porn, and what you may be experiencing now is that avoiding a trigger doesn't make it better over time. Jumping into it headlong also doesn't often work.

For now, I'd consider looking into "grounding skills." There are a ton of good resources that can be found via your favorite search engine and threads on this site too. These are skills than can help lower responses to triggers and stressors. They are good tools to reduce the anxiety and the suffering from it.

Then I'd suggest working with a good therapist about working through the trauma so that you can navigate these experiences in a healthier way.

Most of all, ease up on being so hard on yourself. You are taking good steps to face a difficult issue. I commend you for your bravery.

Thank you so much for you advise! This really helps me a lot, I really appreciate it. Thanks again:)