Sufferer I'm new here ? - Panic Attacks, Disassociation, Nightmares - Scared to wake up & scared to sleep

[Eternitygrey]

Hi I'm new here,
( Quick back story my parents devorced when I was 11, I was sexually assaulted when I was five by a family member, I was assulted again when i was 12 due to online dating catfish, I tried to commit suicide when I was 15 and slit my wrists, got sent to the mental unit after my ex found me and saved me, haven't gotten over him yet, I moved to NC to finish highschool, moved in with alcoholic aunt and uncle who verbally abused me ( didn't know they were bad until I couldn't turn back ), aunt slapped me while drunk , ran away and moved in with ex... terrible man... who also assulted me at age 17 almost 18 after I found out he cheated on me, now I'm 21 with an amazing man I plan to marry ...I didn't start faling this far apart from myself until I finally found something good ...what is wrong with me ?

I'm having a hard time believing im real. It's almost like I'm a simulation if that makes sense. I don't feel much and I avoid anything and everything that could possibly set me off. I'm scared of hurting people I'm scared of going outside. I started having these terrible panic attacks about three years ago that have since turned into PTSD attacks or whatever you call them. During these attacks it starts in my toes and then I will curl up like a rasin and hyperventilate. I will lose the ability to hold my bladder and the ablit to talk sometime. During these attacks I even forget what's happened and people will tell me thingsi did and I wont remember but i feel extremely embarrassed after. I've wet myself Infront of friends ... I've screamed for help Infront of my mom while curled up On the floor. Every time this has Gotten bad my first instinct is to go to the ER ...they are getting sick of me I'm sure ....I've been at least 8 times and it's killing my financially and my fiance hates me for it and even threatened to leave...For awhile the doctors even thought I was a drug risk even though I'm not taking any drugs and they never found any in my system just because im terrified and don't know why my body is fighting me all the sudden ? I don't know what to do ... I'm scared to wake up most days and scared to go to sleep...when I dream it's so realistic, I wish I could dream all the time even if it's night terrors because when I'm asleep I feel more than when I'm awake... My tharpist said to give this a go....does anyone else go through this ??

 

[pam4him]

So sorry for what you are going through. Posting here can help you know you are not alone, there is support here from people who suffer from PTSD, anxiety, etc. Though each person's experience i unique, we get what you are talking about. I have an idea of what is happening, but be sure to discuss it with your therapist. It sounds like your mind protected you at the time of the abuse, and it now knows you are safe, so it may be allowing you to "feel" those repressed emotions (and bodily reactions). I found that journaling after an episode helped discover some triggers. Once I was aware, I worked with my counselor on healthier responses. Sometimes it was just deep breathing, other times excusing myself for a few minutes or even leaving early. Hopefully your therapist can help you discover what works best for you.

 

[Eternitygrey]

Thank you so much for replying its nice to know someone can hear my story and help me find coping skills like they did to become brave again. That sounds interesting...I've been running for a long time from everything it makes since my body would panic now but I'm a healthcare worker so it's even harder because my energy effects my clients and iff I have an attack the call 911 or rush me to the hospital because my symptoms are seizure like . My body doesn't even feel like mine half the time due to these attacks. Journaling seems to help I'm just to tired after my attacks that I fall asleep so it's hard to record on the spot. do you ever get this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment after attacks ? I hate it ? I'm always submissive I'm always scared. I feel weak even though I know I'm strong.

 

[dcb2410]

You have been through so much. I hope you can find support here from others. I’m sure you will.

 

[whiteraven]

Welcome!

iff I have an attack the call 911 or rush me to the hospital because my symptoms are seizure like .

I know you said you've been to the ER several times; have they done a neurological work-up? The descriptions you give definitely sound like seizures. Of course, they could be related to the other stuff, but it would probably be good to get a full evaluation if you haven't already. I have seizures and when I first started having them, I had trouble differentiating between the actual seizures and anxiety, etc....

 

[Eternitygrey]

You have been through so much. I hope you can find support here from others. I’m sure you will.

Thank you so much for the encouragement

Welcome!



I know you said you've been to the ER several times; have they done a neurological work-up? The descriptions you give definitely sound like seizures. Of course, they could be related to the other stuff, but it would probably be good to get a full evaluation if you haven't already. I have seizures and when I first started having them, I had trouble differentiating between the actual seizures and anxiety, etc....

Thank you so much for the advice ?. What kind of neurological work would I need done ? I'm not sure if they have or not. I'm sure they have done everything they can this far... My tharpist thinks it's a type of suto seizure..do you know anything about that ??

 

[pam4him]

Yes, I've been embarrassed. But it passes, eventually. I've found that people care and I learned to appreciate their support. Hang in there. Your gaining strength each time.

 

[bellbird]

My tharpist thinks it's a type of suto seizure..do you know anything about that ??

Psychogenic pseudoseizures.
I get them :)

An important step in my diagnosis of them was to rule out any neurological cause. I had an EEG at the hospital, that was reviewed by a neurologist who determined there was to indication of epilepsy (I'm in my 20s, too, and while I've never had epilepsy, it can present in adults who've never had it in childhood. So it's important to rule it out).

I don't get a loss of bladder control during them, but have you thought about using a pad/Depends-like product to manage that?

I think it'd be a helpful thing for you if you're able to speak to a physician about your episodes. Or if you don't feel able to, you could speak to your T about giving them permission to disclose that to your GP.

Once you have a diagnosis from a doctor, and -if- they are pseudoseizures, you'll be able to let the people around you know. It might save you (and your pocket) more trips to the ER.

Pseudoseizures don't have the abnormal brain activity that epileptic seizures do, so my friends and co-workers who know about my pseudoseizures, for instance, know that they don't require a trip to the hospital, just that I need to be monitored during the pseudoseizure so as not to injure myself, and that I'm going to be very drained and tired after having one.

Welcome to the forums, I'm really glad that you found us :)

 

[Eternitygrey]

Thank you so

Psychogenic pseudoseizures.
I get them :)

An important step in my diagnosis of them was to rule out any neurological cause. I had an EEG at the hospital, that was reviewed by a neurologist who determined there was to indication of epilepsy (I'm in my 20s, too, and while I've never had epilepsy, it can present in adults who've never had it in childhood. So it's important to rule it out).

I don't get a loss of bladder control during them, but have you thought about using a pad/Depends-like product to manage that?

I think it'd be a helpful thing for you if you're able to speak to a physician about your episodes. Or if you don't feel able to, you could speak to your T about giving them permission to disclose that to your GP.

Once you have a diagnosis from a doctor, and -if- they are pseudoseizures, you'll be able to let the people around you know. It might save you (and your pocket) more trips to the ER.

Pseudoseizures don't have the abnormal brain activity that epileptic seizures do, so my friends and co-workers who know about my pseudoseizures, for instance, know that they don't require a trip to the hospital, just that I need to be monitored during the pseudoseizure so as not to injure myself, and that I'm going to be very drained and tired after having one.

Welcome to the forums, I'm really glad that you found us :)

Thank you so much for your input. I am in with a doctor now who is going to help me. My next appointment is Monday. Hopefully we can start ruling things out and figure out what is best for Me. I'm scared . But I can do this. I wake up every morning scared. How did you get over that? My mind is a mess I can't remember anything either it's been like this for weeks

 

[RoseyViolet]

Stress, traumatic events early in life can cause our bodies to react in terrible, scary ways that are really hard to "nail down" to treat. Our family was one where sexual abuse occurred and as a result, I began to have panic attacks, when I was in high school that caused me to feel like I couldn't take full breaths. I literally felt like I was hyperventilating and about to pass out even while I was attempting to go to sleep at night. It was scary and terribly uncertain times. When you feel the anxiety beginning to start, perhaps trying some deep breathing exercises and focus of your mind upon things that you know are true and good and hopeful. We really can have power over the mind, but it takes practice to do so. When I wake up in the morning I start the day with thinking about things that I am thankful for that day. Silly, but big things like, "thank you for the ability to see, the ability to hear, that I have a warm bed and I can walk on my own without assistance." It really does help to focus our mind upon thankfulness instead of fear and anxiety. I read a fantastic book years ago called, Dead Link Removed, by Joyce Meyer, she was sexually abused by her father her entire childhood and had a mother who knew about it and did nothing to stop it. She struggled with the mental game of abuse, shame and regret, living in a prison of her own mind. She was set free and delivered by it through the grace of God and now helps others get out of the pit of despair too. You should check her out, she also has a podcast on Spotify called Enjoying Everyday Life. Love her so much and I've been helped tremendously by her teachings. I pray for you that you can find peace for your journey to healing.

 

[Eternitygrey]

Stress, traumatic events early in life can cause our bodies to react in terrible, scary ways that are really hard to "nail down" to treat. Our family was one where sexual abuse occurred and as a result, I began to have panic attacks, when I was in high school that caused me to feel like I couldn't take full breaths. I literally felt like I was hyperventilating and about to pass out even while I was attempting to go to sleep at night. It was scary and terribly uncertain times. When you feel the anxiety beginning to start, perhaps trying some deep breathing exercises and focus of your mind upon things that you know are true and good and hopeful. We really can have power over the mind, but it takes practice to do so. When I wake up in the morning I start the day with thinking about things that I am thankful for that day. Silly, but big things like, "thank you for the ability to see, the ability to hear, that I have a warm bed and I can walk on my own without assistance." It really does help to focus our mind upon thankfulness instead of fear and anxiety. I read a fantastic book years ago called, Dead Link Removed, by Joyce Meyer, she was sexually abused by her father her entire childhood and had a mother who knew about it and did nothing to stop it. She struggled with the mental game of abuse, shame and regret, living in a prison of her own mind. She was set free and delivered by it through the grace of God and now helps others get out of the pit of despair too. You should check her out, she also has a podcast on Spotify called Enjoying Everyday Life. Love her so much and I've been helped tremendously by her teachings. I pray for you that you can find peace for your journey to healing.

thank you so much for you're reply ?
i am also using a work book to help me sort out the diffrent sorces of pain i am feeling. i will give it a try thanks again !

 

[Charliegirl]

I am sorry that you've gone through all this and hope you continue with your therapist so you can work through these feelings and help you move forward, one day at a time.