DharmaGirl
MyPTSD Pro
I was the one who called him a habitual liar. She didn't. I inserted my stuff in there and I apologize.
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You are absolutely right. Thanks.I think there might be some over-simplification of a complex issue going on here.
This sounds a bit like catastrophising.
If covid is active in your community, having any visitor carries a degree of risk. You can reduce that risk by asking them to wash their hands with soap on arrival, and practicing social distancing (ie. don't touch them, don't go near them, disinfect the surfaces they touched when they leave - and all of those risk reducing actions are things you can control).
But, once you've agreed to a visitor? He hasn't "put your life at risk", at best, he's contributed to increasing your risk of potentially catching Covid.
But, you're already at risk when you have visitors. Period.
So, because of all the above, he probably didn't perceive this situation the same way you have. He probably genuinely didn't think "this is risking your life, when you would otherwise be 100% safe".
I get why you wanted to know. Why you felt entitled to know. I would too.
At the same time, if I've blown my top at someone multiple times in the past, I can probably assume they're going to try and avoid poking the bear.
He wanted see his daughter, and probably didn't want to cop it from you. That's not great behaviour from him, but relationships are a 2 way street. And wanting to see your child? Is probably a big deal to him.
Not saying what he did was okay.
But I think construing this situation as him deliberately putting your life at risk? And he's a habitual liar because he didn't tell you about his daughter's social activities? Is a bit catastrophic. Not a great, but probably not utterly dire either.
Since her visiting? Put you at risk. Period. With or without her visiting friends on the way.
I can understand why you want to know how exposed to the virus people have been before they enter your home. The decision about whether they're welcome in your home or not? Is entirely your call.
That doesn't actually entitle you to information about exactly where they've been and when, though.
Not trying to be disagreeable, just offering an alternative perspective. Because this situation seems to have a lot more moving parts to it than: he lied and knowingly risked my life.
How long have you been married to this man? Why is everything that is hidden always have to be a fallout? ( not trying to be snarky)If it's hidden you can't plan and brace yourself for the fallout.
You were in a scary situation (high risk person, potentially exposed to covid). Him not being completely honest with you? Would genuinely take that from scary to downright frightening and far more stressful. It's definitely in order to have some compassion for yourself. Getting angry with him about it makes perfect sense to me.If it's hidden you can't plan and brace yourself for the fallout.
Yeah, we have an appointment with a counselor we have used in the past. My spouse doesn't get why I am feeling this as a betrayal of trust. I asked him to read about it and tell me what he learned. It took multiple attempts to get him to read it and he still hasn't done the second part. We are having a lot of issues at the moment, most around trust for me (he has a different perspective, thinks I just want drama) ?You were in a scary situation (high risk person, potentially exposed to covid). Him not being completely honest with you? Would genuinely take that from scary to downright frightening and far more stressful. It's definitely in order to have some compassion for yourself. Getting angry with him about it makes perfect sense to me.
I don't know where you go with that. Do we make big decisions in the middle of a pandemic? Probably not. But that doesn't mean brush it under the carpet either.
6 years, information that is kept from me means I don't have time to plan for it or react to it, things may fall apart. There have been other issues where I did not have information and was blind sided in a traumatic manner within this relationship.How long have you been married to this man? Why is everything that is hidden always have to be a fallout? ( not trying to be snarky)
How would you relate to someone with a pattern of unreliability/untrustworthiness if you are required to interface with them and share responsiblities?There are other ways to have relationships that are necessary, for instance without the trust/betrayal theme.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I guess I felt that I was treating him like "you say you have my back but you don't and I need to be careful around you." I don't think it was malice, it was impulsivity and conflict avoidance.Honestly, I would reconsider how much I'm mixing the past and now, mine and his issues.
Because you said you are triggered to the past instances in the relationship. That alone can skew the current perspective.
You say you don't think he meant to hurt you...
Yet you *treat* him as absolutely convinced of his being guilty of wanting to cause you lethal harm. Reconsider that, as there is a huge mismatch of tone of what you say and how you say you react.
And consider that not all that feels a betrayal... is one.
Ask if in doubt. The partner. And how they meant.
/
I sympathize, by the way. I was ready to walk away from my relationship of a few years a few months ago, over things I felt done behind my back.
Talking it through? The partner kept my life very in mind with every of those decisions. While, true, being impulsive and not wellest organized about theirs, objectively. But the huge Feels Betrayal? Was there only in my eyes.
Not saying emotions wise it cleared out and patched itself, yet. It hasn't. But emotions don't get to rule my choices where lives are concerned. Ever.
My severe anger at feeling he doesn't have my back, doesn't protect me, is a combination of many lapses in trustworthiness or protective behavior - along with something else I need to dig into better.