Pausing/quitting therapy

[Rumors]

So, I have been in therapy a long time...9 years in October. My first therapist moved and I started seeing a partner. She has been awesome and is very likable and I have a tremendous amount of respect. I enjoy my time talking with her as we discuss different things other than trauma. She has helped me a ton, but at the end of the day I am just doubting that anything will ever be "normal" and I kind of feel like I am on a one way ticket to failure. My therapist has invested so much time and energy in to trying to help and fact is I kind of live with an abnormal daily life. I feel like I am at a crossroads of quitting bc I can't quite get over the hump and I feel like I should be over this by now. I kind of implied that I needed a break, but I kind of want to quit bc I just don't think I have the energy to do this anymore.

 

[Teamwork]

I’m a long termer too and I have complex ptsd. You don’t say how often you see her or if you email in between but start there. I was at every two weeks but then he thought about how much he allows email in between and decided to go to every 4 weeks. It is very difficult. Then the pandemic meant we moved online and I struggle with that. so if you are weekly, go to every two weeks then every three and once a month, as long as she is flexible. Be quiet and use your skills in between sessions. If you don’t have what you need, recognize that and address it next session. I take breaks from emailing him and use my tools. If that doesn’t work I email. I also do stuff online that helps widen my skill set, because I don’t feel he does much of that, just talk. I don’t think anything will be normal for me either as I have never understood the whole idea of who I was supposed to be anyway. What seems a better outlook that he inadvertently taught me is to do something new that may resemble the abuse but isnt, so approach with the idea that it is new. What I mean by that for example is that I was video taped and it was marketed as a child so this whole idea of online therapy is very scary for me. I have signed in to do it and I do listen but i have the ipad flipped upside down because there is no way for me to look at him or be seen by him yet. Still I’ve gotten that far, it is new, but in my mind it is still not safe. He is right about the whole try something new. i just need a whole lot of encouragement if I’m too afraid, and that worked better in office than online. He didn’t answer last weeks email, so I’m on break from him just because I can never tell if he is really busy, I didn’t write it very well and he doesn’t see I’m asking him something or he read it was busy and forgot. Sometimes I need to just write. He doesn’t care if I do that. but if I want to an answer i have to say so by way of a question. I hope that helps. One final thought, if you do not have outside help that is kinda friendship but supportive in a therapeutic way and she is the only source for that then quitting isn’t really the best plan. No harm in being a long time in need of help, somethings it is what it is and progress is long winded. sometimes quick, sometimes doesn’t show up until, you guessed it, you try something new in your approach.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe consider a less all or nothing approach?

Take a vacation, try some new things, and reassess. Maybe during the vacation, work through a workbook to bring back to talk with her, or take a class, or try a group therapy, or even try a different therapist. Or simply take a break. Things not working out well with one therapist at the time isn't the end of recovery. It may be time to simply try something new. Sometimes we have to try new things to get new results.

Also, might help to talk with her to assess and look at your frustrations about where you are at and what you'd still like to change together, if you haven't already.

 

[Rumors]

Maybe consider a less all or nothing approach?

Take a vacation, try some new things, and reassess. Maybe during the vacation, work through a workbook to bring back to talk with her, or take a class, or try a group therapy, or even try a different therapist. Or simply take a break. Things not working out well with one therapist at the time isn't the end of recovery. It may be time to simply try something new. Sometimes we have to try new things to get new results.

Also, might help to talk with her to assess and look at your frustrations about where you are at and what you'd still like to change together, if you haven't already.

It's not her... it's me. I'm not frustrated with her at all. It's not that it isn't working some, but it is SOOOOOO hard and I feel soooo bad. I don't want to see anyone else, but I also feel like I have run the gamut of treatments and I still feel like shit when I think about it. Maybe it will always be that way. I don't have a huge support group at all. I set that up myself. I am very private. I think part of it is bc I have depended on her so greatly the last several months and I know at some point it must get frustrating to work with someone that can't get over it.... It just sucks me dry some days.

 

[TruthSeeker]

So, I have been in therapy a long time...9 years in October. My first therapist moved and I started seeing a partner. She has been awesome and is very likable and I have a tremendous amount of respect. I enjoy my time talking with her as we discuss different things other than trauma. She has helped me a ton, but at the end of the day I am just doubting that anything will ever be "normal" and I kind of feel like I am on a one way ticket to failure. My therapist has invested so much time and energy in to trying to help and fact is I kind of live with an abnormal daily life. I feel like I am at a crossroads of quitting bc I can't quite get over the hump and I feel like I should be over this by now. I kind of implied that I needed a break, but I kind of want to quit bc I just don't think I have the energy to do this anymore.

@ Rumors.....I took a month break from my first T.......wham-wasn't real stable by week 3-shit happened, but it was a real gauge after I said I was taking a month break. This discussion is not text or email....it deserves at least a Zoom approach or in person if that is possible.

If you don't find yourself needing to talk with her, and you plan ways to cope (distractors, journaling, some reference books for coping, etc.), and you are honest with her about quitting....... then give it a try. Taking a break.......might not turn out exactly as you expect, but if you are going to quit......tell the T you want to quit....with an understanding that she's get you back in if you fall on your face and destabalize......have an understanding that you can come back. I think being honest about it is most important. It makes undoing a bad decision (quitting) much easier.....and more importantly you don't want to hurt the relationship. It's hard to find a good trauma therapist.....particularly in a pandemic......besides how would you feel if you were a therapist, thinking you were doing some good for a long term client, and they ghosted you w/o saying goodbye.......?????? It would make me wonder what I did wrong, and then I'd worry about my client destabilizing. Saying goodbye.....can be for the short-term, too.

 

[TruthSeeker]

It's not her... it's me. I'm not frustrated with her at all. It's not that it isn't working some, but it is SOOOOOO hard and I feel soooo bad. I don't want to see anyone else, but I also feel like I have run the gamut of treatments and I still feel like shit when I think about it. Maybe it will always be that way. I don't have a huge support group at all. I set that up myself. I am very private. I think part of it is bc I have depended on her so greatly the last several months and I know at some point it must get frustrating to work with someone that can't get over it.... It just sucks me dry some days.

I came out of a lot of trauma.....a couple of years ago, realizing I felt like a burden so I was clear to my friend I didn't want her to do too much. I don't want to be a burden to anyone (because my medical disorder caused me to be a burden on my family, and they were not shy about letting me know it, either). But there are times everyone can feel like a burden but they really aren't....like after surgery when you need someone with your, when you have cancer and need someone to drive you to treatments, when your car breaks down.....and honestly, most people are happy to help, it gives them warm fuzzies, and they see it as life.....

I work really hard to be independent.....and not give in to letting others help me too much unless I really need it. I think dependency is an easy trap to fall into.....it is easier......but there is typically a price to pay if you become too dependent on others (you lose control over things you have the capability of controlling). My two marriages were about dependency. But if someone is helping get you through a tough spot like your T (and she's paid-so she's not your friend...she's there in a supportive business arrangement), just be thankful you have the available support.

On the flip side of that, if you try less in therapy or aren't working on a goal.....and depend more on her then you need to, talk to T about developing more independence from her.....not seclusion in your world.....but developing clear behaviors that foster your independence, build your "I can do this mindset"....but at the same time, et her be there to help you move away from T as a goal. It's important to take help when you need it and say no thank you when you can do it yourself. Not being dependent on others, and feeling dependent, takes boundary setting and vigilance on your part not to accept from others when there is no need....but be gracious and thankful......when you are given help when you need it.... and it lightens a burden within you.

 

[Rumors]

besides how would you feel if you were a therapist, thinking you were doing some good for a long term client, and they ghosted you w/o saying goodbye.......??????

I'm not ghosting her at all. I just didn't give her the whole reason why... I just want to feel normal for a while... not like I am fighting an uphill battle all the time..

 

[ladee]

I hear what you are saying. You need a break. You need a vacation from healing work. You have done some great work to be able to look up and say that." I need a break. "

Just tell her that. Just simply that. Just as you shared in your last post.

Recovery is hard work. And we are a good judge when we need a break. Talk it over with her first, not to get her permission, you don't need her permission. But you do have to give yourself permission, with the understanding if you hit a rough spot and can't work yourself out of it, or coming here and starting a thread for feedback doesn't help, then you will start up again.

This is also how we learn to trust ourselves. I can assure you you are not a burden to her. So try not to let that be the reason. Get quiet with yourself and see if you just need a vacation from therapy. If so, then take it.

Taking a break because you feel like a burden to her is not for the right reasons. Only you can decide. Wishing you time and good energy to make a choice that is right for you.

 

[Rumors]

@ladee
Thanks for the post. I am afraid I just won't ever get better than I am right now. I have been at it for quite a while....

 

[ladee]

And this is called healing from PTSD. And addressing all the extra things we have acquired along the way.

Can you be more specific when you say, 'never get better'? Maybe we can break it down and let you see progress. Because this healing trip is a long one. For all of us. Doesn't mean we haven't made progress.

What are some areas you feel you haven't made progress in? Because the word 'never' is one we use when things are not as we would like it to be. But also means we aren't looking at the progress we have made.

 

[Rumors]

@ladee I have made progress. I went from not being able to say anything AT ALL about what happened to being able to talk about it some, do some emdr, body work, etc. However, I think it will always be a struggle. I think I will always struggle to get through the day bc the story lines will interfere. I am exhausted. What if this is as good as it gets? What if I fail at getting any better than I am right now? What if I don't get any better than I am right now and she gives up? I would rather quit first...

 

[Mach123]

Boy do I know this. I have something or things that work. The therapist is part of that. My behavior is self soothing. Everyone says I'm wrong, but I avoid that feeling you are talking about. I can't say "nothing works" because some things do, for me. I get days and I feel like you do. It's really scary to contemplate depression/anxiety which is what I work to treat/avoid. Those feelings. I've been at quitting therapy. Right now I feel really attached to her.
Yes, it's always going to be like this. To me this is stable. I hope you feel better and stay with her? Sometimes I go in and say can we hang out today? She usually leans on me then lol. Friends at that level are hard to come by.