Childhood Everything Just Hurts

[nork5k2]

hey, it’s been a while

i’ve been in a really tough spot these past few months. because of my depression along with panic attacks, i barely go out with family anymore or talk that much to anyone. i also starve myself sometimes, but my grandma and mom makes me eat when she finds out im doing it.
i’ve also been meaner to my sister as well. im just jealous that she’s happy and im stuck being depressed. im also jealous that my mom would always get into her interests, but not mine because they’re, “satanic” (they’re really not- i mean anime, really??). her excuse always is “because she’s a child”. it just hurts.

yesterday at my therapy session, i broke down crying because i felt like she didn’t love me. she only gave me a hug and comforted me because i said something about it. i shouldn’t have to tell my mom to give me affection.

the day before, she yelled at me for saying how i feel and threatened to send me to a mental hospital instead of comforting me snd telling me everything’s gonna be okay.
now they’re trying to take one of the things that comfort me most and distract me from my trauma. there’s so many relatable characters and they’re trying to “take” it away from me. they’re saying that “there’s other things that teenagers do. you can watch anime but not all the time.”
yes, but the stuff they do is boring and doesn’t interest me at all. i’m just trying to cope. why are they pushing me to do something i don’t want to?? what’s worse is that my therapist brought religion into it. she’s not a bad therapist, trust me, but it gets on my nerves.

i feel like my life is falling apart. i just want my cousin in jail and everything to go back to normal. the way it was before. no panic attacks, no depression, no triggers.

aside from that, i get triggered every single day. i either cry or just sit there having flashbacks— or both. i just hate life at the moment. i really do. i don’t even think i’m going to make it. i won’t last in highschool. i just want to stay in my room forever and slowly rot. why must it all happen to me?

 

[RussellSue]

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Being a young person is hard in this broken world.

When I was in the thick of repeating childhood trauma and I was there for a damned long time, I wrote furiously every day. I stacked up so many journals and filled notebooks it was almost absurd. I strongly suggest writing. The nice thing about it is that it will help you to understand the things going on around you and yourself and has the benefit of being very helpful later in life when you need to communicate to others.

What I did not do was get any exercise and I really wish that I had. It helps the brain so much. I didn't do sports, walk, run or anything. I just sat in a dark corner of anywhere vomiting my pain onto a piece of paper. It seemed like all I could do at the time and maybe it was but it was also very isolating. Ultimately, by the time I graduated, I felt disconnected even from my own body.

Depression is really hard but it can get better. I had suicidal ideas from the time I was 11 until much later but hung in there with the tiniest shred of hope. I don't have symptoms of depression anymore. I could have never imagined that was possible. I thought I was depression but I was not. You are more than your current circumstances, too. I won't tell you that the path ahead will be all roses but things can improve.

My sister went through a lot of trauma and took a lot of it out on me. Now she has horrible guilt for that, too. It's not worth it. If you can suck up your jealousy and just be nice, you'll both be better off in the long run.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Skywatcher]

My daughter went through a major depression last school year. It took medication, a therapist, a school emotional support counselor and her friends and family to help her through it. The good news is that she is doing so much better. There is hope. Please remind yourself that however bad you feel, it will eventually pass. My therapist is a big advocate of 10 minutes outside a day—that is the starting point. Then once you can do that, add in exercise. Moving. It could be riding your bike, hitting a punching bag (my daughter’s activity of choice). Do you draw? You could create your own anime.

It hurts to feel like your mom doesn’t love you or loves you less than your sister, but I believe that she really just doesn’t understand how to relate to you or express love in the way that you need. Hopefully, your therapist can help you out with this one. Also, when you are living through trauma loops and or depression it can really distort how you see the people around you. (I’ve even managed to believe my therapist hated me or wanted to hurt me.). I try to remember this when my distorted thinking starts to question the good of people that care about me. I wish you a sense of safety and love. Don’t give up!

 

[EmmaOwl]

My daughter went through a major depression last school year....... Don’t give up!

This gives me hope - when I was in high school, admitting to depression would have been utterly damaging to not just my social life but my parents' reputations; I was afraid it would limit my academic choices - there was so much stigma! Which created a tremendous amount of pressure for me to act like nothing was wrong. I was breaking down a bit senior year but then I went to college and broke down completely, but in private (away from nosey people in town/neighborhood). Which was not good.
I'm sorry you and your daughter went through this but so glad to know that teens are getting treated and being supported by their friends too. It's a lot more caring than things used to be!

hey why must it all happen to me?

We all wonder that!
Along with writing, and I'm sure you've thought of this but just to be thorough... could you get some art supplies and draw? Just a thought. My T recommended it as I've been stuck in quarantine for quite awhile now. (I didn't expect to hear such a thing, and I laughed at him! I felt terrible. But it surprised me, because I was one of those kids, you know the art teacher wanted to fail me lol.) I said, "DRAWING? You recommend I DRAW?" with the greatest disdain. I'm trying to remember to apologize to him next time.

So maybe that's not your thing but maybe something along those lines. Making something, knit or crochet? I know that sounds lame but. You'll get through this. I'm having a rough spot too. White knuckle it. Writing is always good if you can work that in!

 

[nork5k2]

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Being a young person is hard in this broken world.

When I was in the thick of repeating childhood trauma and I was there for a damned long time, I wrote furiously every day. I stacked up so many journals and filled notebooks it was almost absurd. I strongly suggest writing. The nice thing about it is that it will help you to understand the things going on around you and yourself and has the benefit of being very helpful later in life when you need to communicate to others.

What I did not do was get any exercise and I really wish that I had. It helps the brain so much. I didn't do sports, walk, run or anything. I just sat in a dark corner of anywhere vomiting my pain onto a piece of paper. It seemed like all I could do at the time and maybe it was but it was also very isolating. Ultimately, by the time I graduated, I felt disconnected even from my own body.

Depression is really hard but it can get better. I had suicidal ideas from the time I was 11 until much later but hung in there with the tiniest shred of hope. I don't have symptoms of depression anymore. I could have never imagined that was possible. I thought I was depression but I was not. You are more than your current circumstances, too. I won't tell you that the path ahead will be all roses but things can improve.

My sister went through a lot of trauma and took a lot of it out on me. Now she has horrible guilt for that, too. It's not worth it. If you can suck up your jealousy and just be nice, you'll both be better off in the long run.

Best of luck to you.

it’s really hard for me not to take my anger and depression out on my little sister. she wasn’t taken advantage of by an older girl and she’s always happy. i always feel guilty but it’s so hard not being jealous of her. now, i’d never wish my trauma on her or anyone else, i just wish i had what she has. not being traumatized, not being depressed, not having to worry about whether or not my cousin is going to jail for what she did.
i barely have the motivation to get up, eat and exercise to the point my grandma and mom have to remind me every single week. i don’t feel like everything is going to be alright. i sometimes look at a pill bottle and just want to bail out on life. i’m only 14 and this is just too much to handle. i barely even have the motivation to write in a journal my therapist gave me. it’s all too much. my trauma is painfully real. what she did was painfully real. everything is painfully real.

 

[Survivor3]

hey, it’s been a while

i’ve been in a really tough spot these past few months. because of my depression along with panic attacks, i barely go out with family anymore or talk that much to anyone. i also starve myself sometimes, but my grandma and mom makes me eat when she finds out im doing it.
i’ve also been meaner to my sister as well. im just jealous that she’s happy and im stuck being depressed. im also jealous that my mom would always get into her interests, but not mine because they’re, “satanic” (they’re really not- i mean anime, really??). her excuse always is “because she’s a child”. it just hurts.

yesterday at my therapy session, i broke down crying because i felt like she didn’t love me. she only gave me a hug and comforted me because i said something about it. i shouldn’t have to tell my mom to give me affection.

the day before, she yelled at me for saying how i feel and threatened to send me to a mental hospital instead of comforting me snd telling me everything’s gonna be okay.
now they’re trying to take one of the things that comfort me most and distract me from my trauma. there’s so many relatable characters and they’re trying to “take” it away from me. they’re saying that “there’s other things that teenagers do. you can watch anime but not all the time.”
yes, but the stuff they do is boring and doesn’t interest me at all. i’m just trying to cope. why are they pushing me to do something i don’t want to?? what’s worse is that my therapist brought religion into it. she’s not a bad therapist, trust me, but it gets on my nerves.

i feel like my life is falling apart. i just want my cousin in jail and everything to go back to normal. the way it was before. no panic attacks, no depression, no triggers.

aside from that, i get triggered every single day. i either cry or just sit there having flashbacks— or both. i just hate life at the moment. i really do. i don’t even think i’m going to make it. i won’t last in highschool. i just want to stay in my room forever and slowly rot. why must it all happen to me?

Hi @nork5k2 , I feel your pain. I suffer from terrible depression as well and some days my flashbacks are never ending. Sorry that you get treated so badly by your family that's awful. Glad to hear that you have a therapist so you have that outlet. I also spend alot of time isolated. All the best to you. S3. ?

 

[RussellSue]

why must it all happen to me?

We all wonder that!

Les Brown says something about this in his motivational speaking that I personally have found somewhat helpful even though most of the time I am sure I have had it worse than most people. In response to the "why me?" question, he says, "Who would you suggest?" Then asks for a list of emails and phone numbers. Mostly Mr. Brown is just out to get a laugh from this, I think. Obviously no one is reaching for their address books trying to pawn off their suffering even if in all reality a lot of us wouldn't mind giving at least a portion of our struggles away.
However, there are multitudes of ways that people can suffer and do suffer in life and I think that people with histories of trauma and mental illness often wind up with some profound advantages after the fact where many "normal" people lay on their death beds terrorized with guilt over the things they've done in life. What I am getting at is that while I know that it very much appears that you are suffering more than anyone, people suffer in their own times, places and ways. This does not make your feelings any less real or valid, of course; it's just an observation.
Somebody said "time heals all wounds" - it really is true. I have a childhood of a severe abuse, was without legal guardianship by your age, had two fiances die, etc. Many moons later, I do pretty well, most of the time.

The trick is holding on long enough to get through it and heal and I won't pretend that's not one hell of a trick. You could not pay me to relive my 14th year on the planet. No amount of money could convince me. I had no permanent home, severe depression and anxiety, no therapist, lots of flashbacks and found very little joy in the world. I did a few things that kept me going: I wrote, as I mentioned, I played instruments and kept my grades up because that gave me praise from my teachers and I needed it to come from somewhere.

There did not, at the time, seem to be anything that made me feel better. I felt bad. Looking back, I think I just learned to survive and not expect much because my expectations always ended in disappointment which just made things worse. My family hated me. They denied the things that had happened and when I lashed out, they made me out to be a monster...

If you don't make tragic decisions and spend too long living in them, there will probably come a time when you are just glad all of this is over and glad that you chose to keep taking steps forward, even if they were hard and even if they hurt.

I really wish I had some profound solution for you because I remember all too well how hard it is to start becoming an adult with a brain that needs a lot of healing in circumstances that are far from ideal but I don't. It's just hang on to the hope that there is more to come and that it can and will be a lot better if you are willing to learn to treat yourself well.

 

[Ronin]

Hey @nork5k2,
Thanks for checking back in with news :)

Things get super hard and sad when one just begins to heal from trauma, but they DO get better.

You're still a kid - you have whoole life ahead of you of better things and gentle and amazing and caring people to meet. Decades. Hundreds or thousands of people.

Please try to eat, and try to be kind to your lil sister - because if you do neither it will only make it this harder to feel good about yourself, and heal.

You aren't bad, you are having a hard time.

Try to take care of yourself the most you can, even when you feel bad and lost and hopeless. It will get better, you will get through this.

I know it's too much, too painful, too real.
But you *will* get through, and be happy again.