Undiagnosed I Think I Have PTSD

[playingvideogames]

I am not officially labeled but I have had issues where I get triggered and I cuss out people or write nasty things to people sometimes I will even though I not a racist I will do racist comments because of the overwhelming need to hurt them and a lot of it stems from issues I have of being rejected and I was abused a lot as a child.

I have a mother that is emotionally abusive as well as a childhood filled with psychical abuse also but I also have Aspergers Syndrome and I dealt with a lot of rejection around my lack of social skills. Like I remember the first time I start really paying attention to my social differences was when I started attending Alcoholics Anonymous and start noticing even though I was going to the meetings and participating in a lot of the work around AA I was not fitting in quite the way the others were are making friends the way other people were with the same amount of time sober that I had at that time. So that might of added to the trauma as well.

I am not sure as I know little about PTSD or how to make it better all I know is that for years of my life I reached out trying to figure out why I was so explosive with these awful words that I would use towards people. I thought at first it might be touretts or something else I had never even considered PTSD. I spent years hiding on an over five-year road trip because I didn't want to let anyone know much about me because of what I have called my verbal vomit. Because I had to live in fear of being beaten up or arrested or killed because of the uncontrollable nature of these outbursts.

While on the road I tried for over five years to figure out why I was doing this how to stop it and make it go away. I would reach out to organizations and individual people to try to get help and to see if they would fix this. But they all would do is send me away because the master would always want to come and play. Since I didn't really think it was PTSD at the time I just never really looked into how this might be why I was doing these awful thing. All I knew is inside it felt like trigger explode trigger explode with zero ability to control it. But everyone I reached out to turned me away or treated me like I was monster or doing it because I was being a jerk and all I knew is I was helpless over it and no one was helping me figure out why or did any one point or make reference to the abuse of my past or maybe even the trauma I faced over my disability have anything to do with why I was reacting this way.

I know because of this I have been beaten up chased by people and been kicked out of and lost more relationships than I ever care to truly think about. Every time I am able to calm down and breathe again I want to go and make things right with the people but since I did not have any idea of what might be at the root of the issue it always felt to them that I was making excuse for being a jerk and not someone that was dealing with anything real.

I know once after I broke up with my x I went to try to get into the psyche ward to see about jump-starting my treatment. I met that day with two psyche nurses. They asked me the start questions about being a danger to myself or others and I responded yes I am a danger too myself because I one wrong person away from ending up in a body cast or a bodybag for the stuff that comes out when I am triggered. She told me that is not what she meant. I said I know what you meant put this issue I am dealing with is going to get me killed.

Because I when triggered am able to on the spot say the worst things to that person and even use personal things that they have shared with me as an attack on them. I do it verbally and written. I will someday end up in a really bad place because of it. I tried to figure it out and all kinds of ways to stop it and when I started learning more about PTSD it started making the most sense because it like all the outbursts have something to do with feeling rejection or proceeved rejection.

I cannot tell you what it would mean to be able to control this monster that has plagued me and raped me of the good in my life for so long. even to the point of hiding out on a long road trip because I don't wasn't people to know me because I am afraid of what trouble I may get into because of the beast that walks with me.

Thanks for reading and posting I grateful to the help of what I can start doing now maybe even on my own since we are currently still dealing with stupid covid19 to help make it better,. I am grateful too you all.

 

[RubyBlue]

Personally, doesn’t sound like PTSD to me, could be a million other things.

Regardless, have you reached out to a therapist? Not necessarily one in a hospital, but one for outpatient treatment. I would start there.


****edited to add**** while trigger warnings aren’t necessary or even recommended for this site- I would maybe change the wording about “rape you of the good things. . .” Not trying to censor you but rape is a very real very serious thing that a lot of people on this forum are struggling to get through daily and to use the term in a flippant way feels wrong.

 

[whiteraven]

While on the road I tried for over five years to figure out why I was doing this how to stop it and make it go away. I would reach out to organizations and individual people to try to get help and to see if they would fix this. But they all would do is send me away because the master would always want to come and play.

What kind of organizations and people?

But everyone I reached out to turned me away or treated me like I was monster or doing it because I was being a jerk and all I knew is I was helpless over it and no one was helping me figure out why or did any one point or make reference to the abuse of my past or maybe even the trauma I faced over my disability have anything to do with why I was reacting this way.

Again, what sort of people did you reach out to? Have you met one-on-one with a therapist? A professional therapist would not "treat you like [you were] a monster." Keep in mind, when we go in to see a therapist, we have to go in with an open mind. That is, decide to at least listen to what they say and understand why they are saying it.

The things you're experiencing could be a result of PTSD, but they could also be a lot of other things. You need to be evaluated (if you have not been) to determine what it might be, though.

 

[grit]

Regardless of your symptoms, it is obvious you have had some prolonged traumatic background whether from childhood or unsafe and unsupported adulthood/intimate relationships. I think by you looking for connection with therapist or even with this site shows you have some unfinished relational issue as well there are some instability in your own view of yourself. I would highly recommend you find a therapist familiar with trauma. Even if you think this has nothing to do with trauma, a trauma therapist is probably more in depth worker than just on the surface. all the best in your search for healing relationships.

 

[Movingforward10]

Have you tried therapy?

Is it important for you to put a label on it? Or to think about what is triggering you and what makes you respond in that way?

I'm no expert, just a fellow person with their own struggles. But what seems to jump out at me from your post is your confusion, your loneliness and your quest for understanding. Also your view that there is this 'monster' that is controlling your behaviour. As adults, we control our behaviour. Sometimes that is painful. But we can and do control it. And you night need a therapist to help you understand your thought processes that end up with you deciding to behave in ways you know are upsetting to others and also to you (as it pushes them away from you).

You've made a good step coming here.

I have learnt so much about myself going through therapy. It isn't all pretty. But it is worth it. My therapist is guiding me through the changes I need to make within myself. I recommend it.

 

[Deleted member 42984]

I would recommend therapy too. A good therapist can handle angry outbursts from you. My former therapist once said, all we need is to be looked at with kind and loving eyes when we're the absolute worst versions of ourselves. Simplistic, I know, but I do believe there is some truth to that. That's why I use self-help groups, if I can catch a person smiling at me when I'm sharing eg anger, I'm healing inside.

Not saying you should follow my footsteps, but I really think a good therapist genuinely could help you :-)

I wish you all the best :-)

 

[playingvideogames]

No one will see me they all throw me out the office because of the outbursts I have. Once the cussing starts they either tell me to leave or they will call the cops on me. So how are you suppose to get help when people won't listen or help you figure out how to fight the monster that I deal with. That is great but I reached out to people for over a decade and no one ever responded or they threw me out because they did not like the symptoms. I written emails called and gone to places to try to get over this for over a decade of my life with no one helping and just being told I need to stop. Well if stopping was something I could do without help I would not be reaching out So no I cannot get anyone to see me or help me they all run from me.

 

[Movingforward10]

When you say no one, who do you mean? You are using quite general terms so it's hard to work out your journey to get the help you need.

Have you tried online therapy? Maybe that will work better as you are not phsycially in the same room as someone.

I also wonder if you need to stop using the term 'monster I need to deal with'? As it implies it is something outside your control that is making you behave in ways you don't want to. Whilst it might feel like that to you, it isn't. It is you that is making you behave the way you do. In the same way it is me that is making me behave the way I do. It's hard to see it. And it is hard to see how others perceive that. I can begin to understand why I behave the way I do and I can try and be more conscious of it and start to change.

 

[RubyBlue]

Lashing out when warranted is a thing, sure. Been there done that. But I don’t get why it would be at everyone right off the bat.

 

[playingvideogames]

Every place I gone to ers to try to get admitted to psyche wards to mental health services in the areas I was living all threw me out because of the verbal vomit that comes out when I am triggered. So when the psychial places didn't work in my areas because I have moved around a lot because I feel like I have to keep myself hidden because when you live with something like this your always getting into to trouble and having the cops called and being threaten with jail or people come after you to hurt you. I been beat up chased put in the hospital and thrown out of most places because of this. So I did the only I knew how to do was stay hidden on the road not have any real presence on the internet and not give out my real information except when I had too. All because of the beast within.And yeah I realize it is me but so what. that doesn't fix it or make it go away or make my life any better. So when the psychial places didn't work in my area I started looking for places in other parts of the country or looking up people in mental health and emailing them. To try to find where I could go for the perplexing monster that plagues me. Either would ignore me or give me the brush off none would help.

 

[Chris-duck]

All because of the beast within.And yeah I realize it is me but so what. that doesn't fix it or make it go away or make my life any better

Imo it actually does. Realising that it's all you gives you control over it. It really is both as simple and as difficult as just *not* lashing out. Take a breath. Step back. Then speak.

 

[RubyBlue]

You don’t need to go searching across the country. Find a T in your area. When you find them, be polite and explain your situation in a calm manner and don’t go off on them right away when they haven’t even done anything to you (I’m assuming here because I can’t wrap my head around it). I’ve cussed out a T- she put boundaries in place but didn’t have to call the police and we work really well together now. A lot of people lash out at some point in their therapy, but unless you are really going overboard a T is not going to drop you over it. But you have to give them a chance to work with you.