barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
I'm feeling a deep sense of loss at the moment.
I think this is partly (mainly?) related to grief around my mum dying nearly two years ago. I wrote a bit about it here at the time: Death - My mum died last night.
It was completely out of the blue. She had felt a bit under the weather for a few days (though I didn't know that at the time) and then one evening got up from watching TV, popped to the bathroom, suffered a massive heart attack in there and died instantly. It was so sudden. Shocking. Devastating.
I talked a lot with my therapist at the time...mainly the facts of what had happened and then the experience of dealing with my family (my dad, in particular) in the aftermath.
I don't talk about my Mum. I don't even think about her on my own for long because it's too painful so I stop.
Every now and then, my therapist will mention her or will bring up that we haven't properly talked about it....about the emotional impact on me of her dying, especially because the way it happened was so shocking and sudden. I just tell her that I don't want to talk about it.
I have been missing my Mum a lot over the past few months. Also probably stirred up because it would have been her birthday last week, which felt hard.
There are also some other things:
– I recently had a rupture with my T. I felt angry and upset with her. Then we had a good conversation about what had happened and the anger disappeared. And, instead, I felt sad. Like I had lost something. Couldn't quite put my finger on the feeling or why I was feeling it...but it was something about loss, I think...
– I had Coronavirus more than two months ago. I don't actively have the virus now and have improved since the start. But I am still not fully recovered, still struggling to completely clear up subsequent lung infections, still feeling massively fatigued etc. I'm self-employed and decided to cancel all my client work this week to just try to properly rest. So, I guess loss of health, loss of energy, feeling physically vulnerable, impact on my business etc are also key at the moment.
– I guess Coronavirus/lockdown has also brought losses for all of us in some way, whether that's financial, business, lifestyle etc.
– My dad isn't a particularly compassionate, expressive or emotionally intelligent person. He seems to be missing the empathy chip! I don't doubt that he cares about me. But he is no good at providing emotional support. He never has been. But Mum was, so it didn't really matter. I think my current poor health has really shone a light on my dad's short-comings. At a time when – even before I caught Covid – I was already aware that I was really missing my mum at the moment. So, in shining a spotlight on how my dad doesn't really do 'overt care' I suppose the current situation has also shone a light on the loss of my mum. I keep getting upset with him and his silence thinking, 'Mum would have sent a card' and 'Mum would have kept in touch' and 'Mum would have said soothing things' It's not like I expect Dad to do those things. It's not even that I want him to start doing them. It's not that him sending a card would have then felt ok. I'm realising today that it's probably about realising how much I miss my mum at the moment. It's not really about him. It's about her. (Though he could also do a lot better!)
– We had a suspected terrorist attack here in the UK at the weekend. It was at a place I know very well – I lived there for years and it is still somewhere I go quite a lot for work and socialising (pre-lockdown!) Three people were killed. They were all gay. I knew one of them pretty well – I only discovered that he was dead when his photo came on the evening news a couple of days ago. I am shocked and heartbroken. My town, my community (my local LGBT) and my friend.
So...yeah...a lot of loss at the moment. And that feeling is heavy, heavy, heavy. It feels too heavy to keeping holding. But I don't know where to put it to lighten the load?
I don't even know what I'm posting for/what I'm asking here really...just, I suppose, what do you do with grief...with such a heavy and deep sense of loss...what does 'processing' it really mean or look like (perhaps in relation to therapy)? How do I lighten this load? I feel so tired and so sad.
I think this is partly (mainly?) related to grief around my mum dying nearly two years ago. I wrote a bit about it here at the time: Death - My mum died last night.
It was completely out of the blue. She had felt a bit under the weather for a few days (though I didn't know that at the time) and then one evening got up from watching TV, popped to the bathroom, suffered a massive heart attack in there and died instantly. It was so sudden. Shocking. Devastating.
I talked a lot with my therapist at the time...mainly the facts of what had happened and then the experience of dealing with my family (my dad, in particular) in the aftermath.
I don't talk about my Mum. I don't even think about her on my own for long because it's too painful so I stop.
Every now and then, my therapist will mention her or will bring up that we haven't properly talked about it....about the emotional impact on me of her dying, especially because the way it happened was so shocking and sudden. I just tell her that I don't want to talk about it.
I have been missing my Mum a lot over the past few months. Also probably stirred up because it would have been her birthday last week, which felt hard.
There are also some other things:
– I recently had a rupture with my T. I felt angry and upset with her. Then we had a good conversation about what had happened and the anger disappeared. And, instead, I felt sad. Like I had lost something. Couldn't quite put my finger on the feeling or why I was feeling it...but it was something about loss, I think...
– I had Coronavirus more than two months ago. I don't actively have the virus now and have improved since the start. But I am still not fully recovered, still struggling to completely clear up subsequent lung infections, still feeling massively fatigued etc. I'm self-employed and decided to cancel all my client work this week to just try to properly rest. So, I guess loss of health, loss of energy, feeling physically vulnerable, impact on my business etc are also key at the moment.
– I guess Coronavirus/lockdown has also brought losses for all of us in some way, whether that's financial, business, lifestyle etc.
– My dad isn't a particularly compassionate, expressive or emotionally intelligent person. He seems to be missing the empathy chip! I don't doubt that he cares about me. But he is no good at providing emotional support. He never has been. But Mum was, so it didn't really matter. I think my current poor health has really shone a light on my dad's short-comings. At a time when – even before I caught Covid – I was already aware that I was really missing my mum at the moment. So, in shining a spotlight on how my dad doesn't really do 'overt care' I suppose the current situation has also shone a light on the loss of my mum. I keep getting upset with him and his silence thinking, 'Mum would have sent a card' and 'Mum would have kept in touch' and 'Mum would have said soothing things' It's not like I expect Dad to do those things. It's not even that I want him to start doing them. It's not that him sending a card would have then felt ok. I'm realising today that it's probably about realising how much I miss my mum at the moment. It's not really about him. It's about her. (Though he could also do a lot better!)
– We had a suspected terrorist attack here in the UK at the weekend. It was at a place I know very well – I lived there for years and it is still somewhere I go quite a lot for work and socialising (pre-lockdown!) Three people were killed. They were all gay. I knew one of them pretty well – I only discovered that he was dead when his photo came on the evening news a couple of days ago. I am shocked and heartbroken. My town, my community (my local LGBT) and my friend.
So...yeah...a lot of loss at the moment. And that feeling is heavy, heavy, heavy. It feels too heavy to keeping holding. But I don't know where to put it to lighten the load?
I don't even know what I'm posting for/what I'm asking here really...just, I suppose, what do you do with grief...with such a heavy and deep sense of loss...what does 'processing' it really mean or look like (perhaps in relation to therapy)? How do I lighten this load? I feel so tired and so sad.