Why is my 10yr old so angry all the time?

[Deleted member 47099]

Hmm, my opinion is somewhere in between yours @Sideways and @blackemerald1

I agree with you Sideways, that this is a major wakeup call and I do think that professional help should be sought.

However, I agree with Blackemerald1 that this also shouldn't be over-dramatised. The least helpful response is for Innordinate to blame himself as a parent and to catastrophise this.

I think his son has got underlying issues, else this wouldn't have escalated so quickly and so strongly. And they've been going on for quite a while and do need to be addressed, because there is potential for this to escalate further.

But to be able to help his son well, imo Innordinate needs to be as calm and rational about this as possible. If he's struggling with issues of blame and doubt in himself, he won't be able to think and see clearly what help his son needs.

you're not failing as a dad if you acknowledge the parts of fatherhood you need help with.

I totally agree with this. We're all imperfect and always will be. What matters is admitting it and getting the required help. This is what good parents do. Good parents aren't perfect. They just put in the hard work of helping their kids get what they need, especially when that means knowing when to get outside support.

 

[Movingforward10]

my, now 11 year old son, held a knife against his throat this evening and threatened to kill himself.

This is very worrying and totally disproportionate to the situation.

professional help is something to be considered. But imo it's not the first step - it's the absolute last.

Why? Most of us on here have professional help. A lot of us might think we wish we didn't leave it to the last step.

Getting a knife. Putting it to your throat. And saying you're going to kill yourself.
If an adult did that and told us on here, the first thing most of us would say: get professional help.

So why any different for a child?

He sounded clearly out of control. Why? Who knows. Sometimes a parent isn't or can't be the person to work that out.
Maybe help for @Innordinate with a professional in child mental health to think what triggered that, what was going on. Maybe family Therapy. Maybe individual therapy for the son.

It's not about parenting through fear, but working out what happened and getting the right help (whatever that may be) to make it better.

Most 11 year olds would not do that. Risky behaviour. And needs further exploration.

 

[blackemerald1]

i'm failing this kid.
i dont know how to teach him how to cope with his emotions.

^No, you're not failing him at all. He's a highly emotional little boy atm that's turning into a young man at a almost cruel speed. It's not about you though. Most of the emotional regulation that he will acquire comes from himself, his peers (sorry) and then bouncing back and forth to parents periodically.

Why? Most of us on here have professional help. A lot of us might think we wish we didn't leave it to the last step.

^Really? This forum doesn't have 10 year old children - trying to negotiate going onto eleven years of age with a sibling sister?
It's got nothing to do with adults - this is a little boy whose growing into adolescence and self-regulation.

You might wish you'd sought out professional help sooner - that's sad for you. I didn't and I don't.

Getting a knife. Putting it to your throat. And saying you're going to kill yourself.
If an adult did that and told us on here, the first thing most of us would say: get professional help.

^Really? Have you any idea how hard it is the cut your own throat? And btw stop projecting - this isn't a board member.

Keep it real.

So why any different for a child?

^Because:- He's a child.
He's not in an abusive situation.
He had an argument with a sibling about a garbage can or some other simmering pre-adolescent rumination.

And because:
It's not always about mental health folks..
Frustration and anger are normal emotions.
Pre-adolescent tantrums and dramatics are normal too.

I get it that not a lot of you relate to normal but despite the dramatic flair - this is soo normal.

Sometimes a parent isn't or can't be the person to work that out.

^Innordiate has a firm handle on what's going on with his son. Just because he speaks up here about this particular incident is not a cue for for running out and asking a stranger to analyse the crap out of it all. Just because he voices some doubts about his ability doesn't mean he lacks ability at all. He's quite able to handle it and also quite normal to consider himself not able to handle it! That's the thing with good parents, they rarely think they are any good at it. (huh??)

It's not about parenting through fear, but working out what happened and getting the right help (whatever that may be) to make it better.

^Innordinate knows what happened. It's not a mystery. He knows he's got a sensitive, intelligent son who's struggling to self-regulate and you know what... that's information that tells you to not turn it into something it's not.

When a parent says they are not sure they are doing okay isn't necessarily the time to hand over the reins to who (a total stranger... well good luck with that...out of hours & every other time a domestic incident happens at home and Innordinate is the PARENT who needs to consider how to handle it on the SPOT).

Sometimes what helps is to be told... like I have done in the past - earlier in this thread - that Innordinate you are doing okay, you've had a blow up with your son - he's okay - the sibling is okay.... It's common sense not ramp up the volume and make it into something it's not.

And btw that doesn't mean ignoring the incident - my post suggests letting things calm down and speaking to the boy about the appropriate use for knives. Maybe, from that discussion some good stuff will arise. Maybe not idk.

A fearful parent may either totally buy into this dramatic display and hit the knee jerk button or, refuses to acknowledge the incident at all or goes ballistic and try to pull in somebody to 'work it out'. That's fear parenting.

Most 11 year olds would not do that. Risky behaviour. And needs further exploration.

^Rubbish - don't generalise. I've had two of my own and I grew up with a bakers dozen and they bloody will do that and worse. All normal too. And they're all now all normal standard run of the mill blokes working and loving their families and lives. Boys leave that blissful age eight and hurtle into pre-adolescence like a bullet train. Get out of the road if you're not up to it. But hey... it's gone just as fast too.

I think there's a wide margin for error here with this boy. And I suggest you read some earlier entries in this thread about what a particularly capable father Innordinate is and a pretty switched on young lad he has.

 

[Mee]

^No, you're not failing him at all. He's a highly emotional little boy atm that's turning into a young man at a almost cruel speed. It's not about you though. Most of the emotional regulation that he will acquire comes from himself, his peers (sorry) and then bouncing back and forth to parents periodically.



^Really? This forum doesn't have 10 year old children - trying to negotiate going onto eleven years of age with a sibling sister?
It's got nothing to do with adults - this is a little boy whose growing into adolescence and self-regulation.

You might wish you'd sought out professional help sooner - that's sad for you. I didn't and I don't.



^Really? Have you any idea how hard it is the cut your own throat? And btw stop projecting - this isn't a board member.

Keep it real.



^Because:- He's a child.
He's not in an abusive situation.
He had an argument with a sibling about a garbage can or some other simmering pre-adolescent rumination.

And because:
It's not always about mental health folks..
Frustration and anger are normal emotions.
Pre-adolescent tantrums and dramatics are normal too.

I get it that not a lot of you relate to normal but despite the dramatic flair - this is soo normal.



^Innordiate has a firm handle on what's going on with his son. Just because he speaks up here about this particular incident is not a cue for for running out and asking a stranger to analyse the crap out of it all. Just because he voices some doubts about his ability doesn't mean he lacks ability at all. He's quite able to handle it and also quite normal to consider himself not able to handle it! That's the thing with good parents, they rarely think they are any good at it. (huh??)



^Innordinate knows what happened. It's not a mystery. He knows he's got a sensitive, intelligent son who's struggling to self-regulate and you know what... that's information that tells you to not turn it into something it's not.

When a parent says they are not sure they are doing okay isn't necessarily the time to hand over the reins to who (a total stranger... well good luck with that...out of hours & every other time a domestic incident happens at home and Innordinate is the PARENT who needs to consider how to handle it on the SPOT).

Sometimes what helps is to be told... like I have done in the past - earlier in this thread - that Innordinate you are doing okay, you've had a blow up with your son - he's okay - the sibling is okay.... It's common sense not ramp up the volume and make it into something it's not.

And btw that doesn't mean ignoring the incident - my post suggests letting things calm down and speaking to the boy about the appropriate use for knives. Maybe, from that discussion some good stuff will arise. Maybe not idk.

A fearful parent may either totally buy into this dramatic display and hit the knee jerk button or, refuses to acknowledge the incident at all or goes ballistic and try to pull in somebody to 'work it out'. That's fear parenting.



^Rubbish - don't generalise. I've had two of my own and I grew up with a bakers dozen and they bloody will do that and worse. All normal too. And they're all now all normal standard run of the mill blokes working and loving their families and lives. Boys leave that blissful age eight and hurtle into pre-adolescence like a bullet train. Get out of the road if you're not up to it. But hey... it's gone just as fast too.

I think there's a wide margin for error here with this boy. And I suggest you read some earlier entries in this thread about what a particularly capable father Innordinate is and a pretty switched on young lad he has.

I don’t think getting professional help in some form makes inordinate other than capable or that being the recipient of it makes his son other than switched on .

 

[blackemerald1]

I don’t think getting professional help in some form makes inordinate other than capable or that being the recipient of it makes his son other than switched on .

^Thanks for quoting my entire post Mee.. Where did I say that it did?

 

[Mee]

^Thanks for quoting my entire post Mee.. Where did I say that it did?

In the past when I have decided to not follow through with communication with you it’s because of aggressive communication style/. I will take that course of action if that is continued here. I find a lot of value in your posts but I will set a boundary in the communication in which I engage.
Therapy isn’t only for trauma victims, adults or people with mental health issues. Their are people who specialise in child therapy and child mental health , so his age alone does not negate his qualification for having therapy which could help him communicate, regulate etc.
You refer to your individual experiences- I am not in a position to comment on those and would not anyway- but it suggests that ‘normal’ or average is perfectly healthy. I’m not sure I agree. We already know that men are more likely to have successful suicide attempts, and that there are gendered expectations on people. Not all of us see it as healthy, not all of us think a society where racial and sexual prejudice remains is one where ‘normal’ is healthy.

This child appears to be demonstrating unhappiness and pain, In a clear but potentially alienating communication style. Inordinate does indeed seem eminently capable. He sees his son needs something and seeks advice.

In highlighting this and his excellent qualities and saying getting advice is somehow ‘abnormal’ it implies that doing otherwise would be other than capable.

I quoted your whole post because it was relevant- both in why I chose to respond how How I did , considering various phrases in it and my regretful but considered decision to Start this reply by clarifying my boundary in communication.

 

[Innordinate]

Let it go and don't buy into these transactions btwn your daughter and son. Not unless it gets truly out of hand and neither of them are managing the situation. It seems that they worked it out?

Yeah- i forgot this. I would say normally I dont step in to their disagreements because i read once thats its usually kids try to involve parents to see who the parent favours. they dont care why, just who.
i dont know though- lately he's constantly mean, and the mean is getting worse, its like relentless but, his sisters also whiney, so i hear about every little issue from her n it grates on my nerves. especially lately.

So picking your battles, as a parent, is really important.

yeah- totally f*cked this one up. was not a battle i should've picked. I mean, the kid came in and told me his sister was going to be upset and then she came in crying and I lost it. i lose it. kid loses it.

you that 2020 has become more than he can take, emotionally?

i do think this whole covid thing plays a part.
i know he found out the other day from his friend that he's basically the only kid in his class not going to in-person school this year. He's missing his friends, and the little interaction he gets with a couple friends is usually on fortnite headphone/speakers.
if he gets his emotional regulation from peers, I assume you mean learns from watching them react etc?
then fortnite is doubly not good for him because they're all over dramatic hyper crazy psychos on that game.
and his best buddy is - ugh, i dont like the kid....... he's got his own issues with his own parents divorce n his mom n dad battles. Not where i want my son to get - um, anything from.

things calm down and speaking to the boy about the appropriate use for knives. Maybe, from that discussion some good stuff will arise. Maybe not idk.

i dont know if anything good came from it
maybe
i always take her side, he said (yup, crap!)
some other things i forget at this exact moment.

I think he's lonely. And for the last few months and especially lately I havent been able to connect with him. When he needs it the most.

Not doing a good job, or even slightly decent job of being a parent lately. Stuck in my own head too much.

He said he hates himself. And i can't help but feel like I'm the one who's ...... that's my fault. That he hates himself. I don't know if he meant normally he hates himself or if he hates himself because he threatened to kill himself. That he hates his emotions and response. But i feel like ive screwed up, not met his needs and made him feel like he hates himself. ?
I don't want my son to hate himself. He is such an awesome kid. I try to tell him that but i think, my own shit, im not showing him that very well at all.

Boys leave that blissful age eight and hurtle into pre-adolescence like a bullet train.

im glad you said this because thats the age i really started noticing more emotions and bigger emotions and less control and ...... yeh.

it's gone just as fast too.

god, i hope so.
what is fast? by 12? ? so like he'll be settled and stable in a few months or do u mean 16-19 type thing.

child mental health to think what triggered that, what was going on. Maybe family Therapy. Maybe individual therapy for the son.

We- basically I found him a therapist months ago. Mostly to get a second opinion "official" dx for his ADHD because his school counsellors an idiot. But also to address other potentially underlying issues he is genetically predisposed to from my side- like ocd. Because he's extremely smart, but struggles because of dyslexia and adhd already. He has a lot of controlling behaviours, especially with his sister. His anxieties, I think, are more than normal for his age. the things he worries about, I think are more teenager/young adult type worries.
I wanted him to have a therapist because i was hoping the therapist could help give him some coping skills i dont know how to teach him.

try to pull in somebody to 'work it out'. That's fear parenting.

This is basically what the therapist ended up telling me.
And that i was probably doing a better job than I thought but my was also basically projecting my anxieties/worries onto my son.
He said it wasn't necessary to see him again.

I'm not sure though, if i understood correctly or just gave up too soon.

My son is "dramatic" according to his grandma and mom and even I think so sometimes so- this whole thing. it could just be over dramatic reponse.
While he was still bawling his eyes out he said weird things like "i cant see! why cant i see?" and "i'm so cold i cant feel sad anymore"

bit over dramatic yeah?

but- theres clear signs i can see but i dont know how to help him. His negative attention seeking behaviours.

Clearly im not giving him enough positive attention when he needs it.

I don't know that I can give him the amount of attention he needs when he needs it because of my own stupid mental health crap, so, I'm failing him that way and it's becoming dangerous, obviously, if he feels he needs to put a knife to his throat to get me to listen.

Every time I ask for help... its like the psychologist said. I just get told i'm doing good and prolly better than i think etc etc

I dont know.

 

[Innordinate]

I did share that there are times i dont feel like i want to be alive and that i also know the feeling will pass, so I wait for it to pass and it can sometimes take days but thats okay and normal because life isn't super easy.

And that if i get scared of those thoughts i ask for help. And that death is permanent but anger and sadness are temporary.

I don't know if that was the right thing to say or if it helps or makes shit worse.

A long time ago, like 8 or 9 months probably- we were watching tv and a commercial for depression came on. It was basically "depression effects the whole family" type thing where a mom is looking sad and her kids in the background looking at her also look sad cuz they miss her and he said "that's you dad"

ugh

and shits been crazy lately. my symptoms spiking and covid crap and school and summer vacations cancelled and sports cancelled and restrictions on everything. His whole world is upside down and instead of recognizing that i f*cking yell at him ?

even after he pre-warned me that he upset his sister because he knew she would ditch him at the end of the drive way if he let her put her garbage in the bin ??‍?

 

[Movingforward10]

I mean, the kid came in and told me his sister was going to be upset and then she came in crying and I lost it. i lose it. kid loses it.

Do you think you over reacted? If you did, you know it's ok? No one is perfect. And we all have good days and bad days.
If you think you did over react, is telling him that and saying sorry something that will help?

He said he hates himself. And i can't help but feel like I'm the one who's ...... that's my fault. That he hates himself. I don't know if he meant normally he hates himself or if he hates himself because he threatened to kill himself. That he hates his emotions and response. But i feel like ive screwed up, not met his needs and made him feel like he hates himself. ?
I don't want my son to hate himself. He is such an awesome kid. I try to tell him that but i think, my own shit, im not showing him that very well at

It must feel crappy to hear him say that.
Maybe more conversation is required becuase of you're not sure what he meant, asking him might help clarify (if he knows the answers)?


@blackemerald1 , I don't understand your post. It comes across as rather hostile as you say I'm projecting, I need to get real etc. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to you, or even if I should, because it seems to be taking away from the OP and the discussion.

 

[blackemerald1]

In highlighting this and his excellent qualities and saying getting advice is somehow ‘abnormal’ it implies that doing otherwise would be other than capable.

^I didn't 'somehow' imply that at all. To be clear - I didn't say that at. all.

@Mee the rest of your boundary setting comments in respect to my posts are OT. So please don't.

he'll be settled and stable in a few months or do u mean 16-19 type thing.

^Okay.. lol.. confession here... boys/adolescents lurch from one phase to the next, sometimes just horrible and other times so lovable you feel like your heart has whiplash. But mostly they are phases so hang onto your hat, as you'd probably know you're now entering the dark age of adolescence...

And another confession here...one of my children.. and I have to be careful bc he's a man now and he'd not appreciate me being too open, though he knows about me and this forum...so implied consent I guess, lol.... also has ADHD and that muddied up some already difficult waters for him and I.

And it made some problems more confusing... trying to sort out what is actually very much an age/developmental related issue with adhd and the other stuff that was going on in our lives that totally f*cked us up even more.

So we had multiple inputs and I had many lonely nights sitting outside wondering what the f*ck to do about it all and belting myself up for not being better at any of it.

So, idk.. treat this incident and any others like a work in progress... it's gotta be dealt with by you with starting the conversation but that doesn't mean escalation towards external assistance unless he reveals some inner hidden desire to hurt his sister, you, the cat (?) or himself. Be careful you don't make it a 'thing'. And also don't betray his trust in you. If he tells you he's having a hard time let him explain...acknowledge and validate and if possible come up with some strategies esp in relation to whiny sis that may take the sting out of his interactions with her.

How much violence is on fortnite?? Silly question right?? How many movies, video games and on, on, is there some muscle-head slicing a throat like it's no more than white bread.

Most of it... they (the kids) completely understand is fantasy but even so, some of the wrestling, jumping stunts that adolescent boys do.. comes straight out of that media. I've watched them do it irl and had to close my eyes...

Let me pass this by you.... If he was truly serious about hurting himself, killing himself...?? He'd not do it right in front of his father. He'd not give you the heads up. Head not let on for one second that it was on his mind. He'd do it when he most expected you not to intervene. Does that say anything?? But, it still says something about his frustration, anger and perhaps feelings of lack of control. That you can explore with him.

Do you do any external, thrill seeking, exciting, blood rushing, adrenaline boosting activities atm? If not, time to start.. like getting ready to run a marathon, canoeing, cycling - you know covid safe stuff. It'd be good for you both? It'll use up some of that hormone that's making him feel like crap.

Mine I made take up in-line blade, martial arts, cycling and swimming. A tired boy is a happy boy imo..

the things he worries about, I think are more teenager/young adult type worries.

^I think that might be some of his 'gifts' more than adolescence.

One of mine wrote to an esteemed leader of my country about some human rights matters when he was seven. Yes.. I know... and he saved up for the postage and walked me to the letter box. Imagine my surprise when the leader hand wrote a letter back?!

It's okay that he's concerned about these things. I guess you could ask him how he thinks he can effect some kind change and help him do it.

Otherwise looking back at history often is very calming for children... when they learn that despite the absolute worst of humankind - wars, crimes etc., despite it all, that still good, great stuff comes right on through. It steady's their anxiety about what they think are big things going on right now. In other words, hey matey - you're safe, you're strong, you're okay and so are we (family).

While he was still bawling his eyes out he said weird things like "i cant see! why cant i see?" and "i'm so cold i cant feel sad anymore" bit over dramatic yeah?

^Yeah.. but perfectly okay too. Mine used to throw themselves around their bedrooms when they got banished from my sight lol... and talk to themselves about idk... weird things...

Then half an hour later they'd wander out and start hassling for food and more attention. omg... At the time, I thought to myself - that's weird but not anymore... it's all on the road to self-regulation for the 'modern child'.

I did share that there are times i dont feel like i want to be alive and that i also know the feeling will pass,

^So no harm, no foul. He's learning that you have limits, feelings and can also regulate yourself. He'll appreciate you all the more for knowing this about you. This is stuff I think they should be teaching in schools but..? Anyway good for you Innordinate.

And that if i get scared of those thoughts i ask for help. And that death is permanent but anger and sadness are temporary

^So again, good advice, good thoughts on a scary topic. The absolute last thing he wants to deal with is you disappearing or dying.. so that is very anxiety provoking.

Lets face it there's a lot of death around the world right now. There's no direction one can look where covid isn't wrecking things. But still, you're there and that's super important. Tell him you're there too not by saying it but by spending some time with him doing things he likes to do.

I don't know if that was the right thing to say or if it helps or makes shit worse.

^It helps. It all helps. It cannot and never will make him a worse human.

sad cuz they miss her and he said "that's you dad"

^Okay.. I get why the ugh... bc I had ptsd for a hell of a long time while my children were home with me and they know I've still got it. It came up from time to time as I can imagine you will understand. When they were young they thought it was something to be secretive about but as they grew older (teens) they became protective of me in that respect.

At least he's recognised what the advert was saying and applying it to his own life. Far better that than dismissing, shaming or ignoring your ptsd? I don't know but he seems the kind of lad that will be proud of you one day Innordinate bc eventually he'll appreciate how you've fought these demons (ptsd) for so long and stayed despite them to raise him up.

His whole world is upside down and instead of recognizing that i f*cking yell at him

^Righto... well you're not the first to take the wrong tactic, I did a lot's of times, but it's not the end of the world either. You can revisit this with him and ask him how he'd like to manage these sorts of things again. And telling him you got this wrong isn't a major flaw in your personality. If anything he'll respect you for it. But, beware he may also store it away for future tactical advantage. lol

Your whole world along with his is upside down too... so you have a lot in common.

So if he's upset that he's not seeing his friends then that's understandable. And if there's a dodgy mate hanging about... I can get that too.. Mine had a couple and I had to grin and bear it mostly. Reactions within a juvenile mind can take on bigger proportion than they need to be. You will resolve what you can, tell him that. As soon as it's possible to lift restrictions on his socialising you will. Reassure him that what you can do, you will and the rest will take time to work out.

he knew she would ditch him at the end of the drive way if he let her put her garbage in the bin

^I think he was trying to head off a problem before it happened. He gets full points for trying to do that. The fact that it didn't work out so well... meh - consider telling him that with the benefit of hindsight you can see he had a point. Then leave the damn garbage issue alone.

Honestly in respect to being told that you're doing okay and not really believing it... you should really believe it! Innordinate.

If a irl professional has already told you? Then take comfort from that. I'm not there with you but I can understand why and how you doubt your capacity to deal with this and your son generally. Because I've been down that road and it's really very lonely because I know that you want to do what's right but, if only somebody would show you the road signs and which directions to take?

Don't cripple yourself and all the good you do with self-doubt.

You have two children who are competing for top dog, attention, pity and to be front and centre of your mind ALL of the time. It's hard and honestly children esp adhd children are relentless!

You are so down on yourself and your own capacity to deal with this - maybe he's sensing your uncertainty too?

If you're telling him about your feelings on death, emotions etc., well don't for one second think he's not listening.. because he is. He's sucked it all up and he's processing it. You'll likely not see the benefit from these 'talks' for a long, long time.

I'm sure you will one day either listen as he retells the great garbage can fiasco or even tells his own child. Or something like that. I hope you get what I mean. My children regurgitate 'the happenings' the way they perceived things to have happened and omg.. cringe... but shrug what can I do?? They laugh - how little do they know!

My main focus here is to reassure you from the way that you've responded to this situation, even if you did yell, is don't ruminate over it. I didn't have to handle covid with my boys but we did go through some huge natural disasters, some painful personal disasters and other crap too. Hindsight is never kind. Keep approaching him and be approachable with him and this will pass.

 

[Innordinate]

read most of this ^^ have to come back later and read the rest

but thank you @blackemerald1 - what you're saying is making a lot of sense to me. thank you

 

[Innordinate]

think you over reacted?

definitely
thats the problem
i cant even keep my own shit together but im supposed to be teaching him how to get his.
and my over reactions make him feel like shit. he's not suicidal, it was definitely an empty over-dramatic type reaction..... he's mirroring me, which is horrible..... but that knife, if he had fumbled it, or readjusted his grip wrong..... i dont think he understood that and i think he also scared himself once he realized.
and its not okay.
kids are going to have these big feelings n my main purpose as their dad is to teach them how to react appropriately to these things and i havent.
i dont know how to teach that. or even check my own anger most of the time.
.....

telling him that and saying sorry

yeah. i do this. feels pretty weak and empty tho. for the one millionth apology in the last 5-7 yrs ive been in charge of raising them.

muscle-head slicing a throat

fortnite is cartoon basic violence. not really any worse than animaniacs or roadrunner. im not sure where he would have seen something like that. i know a kid in his class and his annoying best friend have said shit about cutting their throats.
its hard enough not over reacting about that crap- i usually end up dysregulating via text to their mom and she mostly tells me im being an idiot. over reacting, its normal etc.

external, thrill seeking, exciting, blood rushing, adrenaline boosting activities atm? If not, time to start.. like getting ready to run a marathon, canoeing, cycling - you know covid safe stuff. It'd be good for you both? It'll use up some of that hormone that's making him feel like crap.

he used to play hockey from sept-march and ball hockey from april-june and he use to run spartan kid races too. his mom's shut down all sports for the year, even though they're allowed again. im hoping to get him out on the slopes snowboarding this winter- as much as possible.
yeh- so this kid went from active to not at all active in a 0.6 seconds.
i guess i didnt realize how much that was really helping him. crap.
even when schools shut down i would take them both bicycling or we'd got for a walk for at least an hour a day.
and then i quit because of my own issues.
im really limited, pre-covid, to how often or how long or when i can even leave my house.
thats not helping my kids at all.
i let them become video game drones cuz i've been stuck inside my own head and not connecting with them.

I guess you could ask him how he thinks he can effect some kind change and help him do it.

he joined a thing called earth ranger when he was like 6 or 7- to raise money for wildlife. he asks (well he's stopped now) if we can have lemonade stands or bake sales to raise money.
i always have some issue/excuse why i cant. ?

looking back at history often is very calming for children...

k- we watch lots of documentaries. they both like the world wars and we have discussions about how most people living in it didn't know what was really going on, and talk about prejudice and stereotypes and racism. i dont think ive ever pointed out any of the good that came afterwards though. I'll start trying to do that. thank you. good idea.

lol... and talk to themselves about idk... weird things..

heh, yeh my daughter does that. goes in her room and complains to her thousands of stuffies and talks in third person.
"nobody likes to play house with K!!! K just wanted to play house and S keeps blowing up her trains!"
its kinda cute actually and yeh 5 mins later.
"dad, whats for supper? can i have a snack?"

saying it but by spending some time with him doing things he likes to do.

this is where im failing him the most.
i know i know i know!! he needs more of my attention. Or even just some of my attention. I try but I havent really been able to be present with him for a long time now. my brains always off in ptsd or ocd land.
i let them become tv and video game zombies because i can barely manage to get out of bed, barely make them simple food for meals. when i bring it up with anyone i just get told "its ok. sometimes thats all you can do"
but months now?
and next week they start school. I'm suppose to teach them using whatever useless garbage the school loads to their new online learning thing.
we've tried (his mom, grandma and myself) coming up with something useful, some other plan to help me to help them but.... it's shit anyway you look at it right now.

resolve what you can, tell him that. As soon as it's possible to lift restrictions on his socialising you will. Reassure him that what you can do, you will and the rest will take time to work out.

he should be going back to school. he should be playing hockey. im going to have to fight his mom on this. they can go back in november. so unless something massively crappy happen with covid outbreaks they need to go back!
especially since the OG they're protecting- their grandpa, whos super high risk for complications- doesnt really seem to care and isnt taking any extra precautions about catching it anyways!

adhd children are relentless!

yes. yes they are.
and when im doing ok i can handle it because i know where its coming from. i can usually handle it better than even his mom. but when im not doing okay (like the last too long of time) i just end up dysregulating and he feels that.

so not only am i not able to connect and give him attention- the attention he does get is all negative dysregulated garbage. ?
and now he hates himself.

he said he was broken. and nobody understands.
he used to say nobody but you understands dad. and now i've effectively ruined that one little bit of connection we had.

i told him we can fix it.

im not sure i believe i actually can tho.