:((( advice please

[juno]

Over a year ago, my younger cousin (M14?15?) would wake up super early, maybe around 2-4:30am and touch me (F15) while I was asleep. I don't know how long he was doing it for, but I suspect it started either earlier that summer or even before then (which is worse because I only see him once a year, during the summer). I found out because I woke up in the middle of him doing it. It wasn't graphic or painful, and one could argue it wasn't even sexual, not really (I mean he squeezed my legs and put his head on my chest but still? I don't know), but I still felt horrible and disgusting and violated.

For years now, I've had what my therapist calls "intrusive and obsessive thoughts", which have been getting worse, harder to control, and increasingly suicidal and homicidal. I feel awful about them and have kept them a secret for years because I felt guilty for having them, and terrified of myself. I genuinely thought I was going to become a sociopath or even a serial killer. I became desensitized to them and have learned to tune them out and ignore them.

However, I've started to notice new ones. Before, it was just stuff like "what if I just stabbed myself" "what if I cut my fingers off" "what if I took that brick right there and killed that stranger across the street/my whole family with it" "what if I just sharply swerved on the freeway and killed myself and my family" and having to physically restrain myself from doing it. Now, I still have those, but the new thoughts are becoming... like, sexual. And involving family members.

I know it's gross and sick and disgusting. I hate myself for having these thoughts but I can't control them. And I even thought about doing the same thing that was done to me by my cousin, to my younger brother. I felt disgusted with myself for so long because of it. I avoided him because of it. I thought that by seeing him less, these sick urges would go away. They didn't.

Of course I wouldn't actually do it. I would f*cking never. I know what it's like to lie there and feel helpless and terrified and not sure what was going to happen next. The pain of wanting desperately to know what else had been done to you but knowing that not knowing might be a blessing. I would never put another person through that, let alone my own brother. But I can't control the thoughts and I hate myself for it.

God if I could just get rid of these horrible thoughts, I would. Christ I would. I've been so depressed, so anxiety-ridden, so filled with self-hatred for so long because of them.

My therapist recommended I see a psychiatrist, and I have an appointment with one in a few weeks. But I just want to understand. What is this and is this normal? Do other people have this too? Or am I just sick in the head? Hoping to get answers here so I don't waste a bunch of time going for a five hour deep dive on the internet just for some reassurance lol

Also, if you think I'm really just sick and twisted and these thoughts mean I'm a horrible person (personally I think this too so it's okay, just tell me honestly) what do you think I should do? Who do I contact for help with this?

 

[TruthSeeker]

Over a year ago, my younger cousin (M14?15?) would wake up super early, maybe around 2-4:30am and touch me (F15) while I was asleep. I don't know how long he was doing it for, but I suspect it started either earlier that summer or even before then (which is worse because I only see him once a year, during the summer). I found out because I woke up in the middle of him doing it. It wasn't graphic or painful, and one could argue it wasn't even sexual, not really (I mean he squeezed my legs and put his head on my chest but still? I don't know), but I still felt horrible and disgusting and violated.

For years now, I've had what my therapist calls "intrusive and obsessive thoughts", which have been getting worse, harder to control, and increasingly suicidal and homicidal. I feel awful about them and have kept them a secret for years because I felt guilty for having them, and terrified of myself. I genuinely thought I was going to become a sociopath or even a serial killer. I became desensitized to them and have learned to tune them out and ignore them.

However, I've started to notice new ones. Before, it was just stuff like "what if I just stabbed myself" "what if I cut my fingers off" "what if I took that brick right there and killed that stranger across the street/my whole family with it" "what if I just sharply swerved on the freeway and killed myself and my family" and having to physically restrain myself from doing it. Now, I still have those, but the new thoughts are becoming... like, sexual. And involving family members.

I know it's gross and sick and disgusting. I hate myself for having these thoughts but I can't control them. And I even thought about doing the same thing that was done to me by my cousin, to my younger brother. I felt disgusted with myself for so long because of it. I avoided him because of it. I thought that by seeing him less, these sick urges would go away. They didn't.

Of course I wouldn't actually do it. I would f*cking never. I know what it's like to lie there and feel helpless and terrified and not sure what was going to happen next. The pain of wanting desperately to know what else had been done to you but knowing that not knowing might be a blessing. I would never put another person through that, let alone my own brother. But I can't control the thoughts and I hate myself for it.

God if I could just get rid of these horrible thoughts, I would. Christ I would. I've been so depressed, so anxiety-ridden, so filled with self-hatred for so long because of them.

My therapist recommended I see a psychiatrist, and I have an appointment with one in a few weeks. But I just want to understand. What is this and is this normal? Do other people have this too? Or am I just sick in the head? Hoping to get answers here so I don't waste a bunch of time going for a five hour deep dive on the internet just for some reassurance lol

This was a brave post.....really brave....you put it all out there.....step one.....wow. There might be some part of you that "enjoyed" the feeling, and at the same time is disgusted by the sexual feeling......it is just a physical function and it does feel good..........and then there comes the stuffing it......and then you think of it.....and then you get disgusted......and it goes round and round.

If you get stuck in negative thoughts, it really doesn't matter what kind, instead of struggling and fighting it.....find a "safe behavior" to replace it with as soon as you think of it (and figure out what that behavior is and write it down where you will see your alternate safe behavior) .....and make yourself do that task until the job is complete. It needs to be something that requires a lot of concentration..... is highly motivating.....with focused mental energy......and of course a socially acceptable behavior. If I awake in the night, I have focused tasks that I do to change my line of thinking which is preventing sleeping, I divert my attention to something more positive and productive, and do something that will use excess energy so I can get back to sleep. If I have unhealthy thoughts, irrational thoughts, negativity, I always move to a different location.......staying in bed or a comfy place only exacerbates the looping......so find something that is interesting and rewarding, by physically changing what you are doing to something productive and pleasurable. If I get stuck in the thought dumpster, I have to climb out of that place and do something different. You might consider creating a "plan" for disengaging in negative thought......knowing that by disengaging from looping, you are working towards eliminating those thoughts from your head.....it's a work in progress......and just be consistent. When I dwell, I can go to really dark places if I allow it......

 

[juno]

This was a brave post.....really brave....you put it all out there.....step one.....wow. There might be some part of you that "enjoyed" the feeling, and at the same time is disgusted by the sexual feeling......it is just a physical function and it does feel good..........and then there comes the stuffing it......and then you think of it.....and then you get disgusted......and it goes round and round.

If you get stuck in negative thoughts, it really doesn't matter what kind, instead of struggling and fighting it.....find a "safe behavior" to replace it with as soon as you think of it (and figure out what that behavior is and write it down where you will see your alternate safe behavior) .....and make yourself do that task until the job is complete. It needs to be something that requires a lot of concentration..... is highly motivating.....with focused mental energy......and of course a socially acceptable behavior. If I awake in the night, I have focused tasks that I do to change my line of thinking which is preventing sleeping, I divert my attention to something more positive and productive, and do something that will use excess energy so I can get back to sleep. If I have unhealthy thoughts, irrational thoughts, negativity, I always move to a different location.......staying in bed or a comfy place only exacerbates the looping......so find something that is interesting and rewarding, by physically changing what you are doing to something productive and pleasurable. If I get stuck in the thought dumpster, I have to climb out of that place and do something different. You might consider creating a "plan" for disengaging in negative thought......knowing that by disengaging from looping, you are working towards eliminating those thoughts from your head.....it's a work in progress......and just be consistent. When I dwell, I can go to really dark places if I allow it......

Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it :)

Yeah, it was a lot to put out there. I'm really nervous. But thank you for answering my questions and giving me advice without judgement. I'll definitely be using these! Have a great day.

 

[Changing4Best]

I agree with the knowledge and advice given above. I'm glad you are going to use it.

I don't know if these thoughts are common for people who have been treated as you have, but it makes sense that they would be. In my case I have experienced some of these kinds of thoughts. When it got really bad one time, I went to the hospital and they did a medication re-evaluation. Since then, I've been doing so much better. I was only there for about a week.

 

[juno]

I agree with the knowledge and advice given above. I'm glad you are going to use it.

I don't know if these thoughts are common for people who have been treated as you have, but it makes sense that they would be. In my case I have experienced some of these kinds of thoughts. When it got really bad one time, I went to the hospital and they did a medication re-evaluation. Since then, I've been doing so much better. I was only there for about a week.

I'm glad you were able to get the help you need, and that you're doing better!

How did you go to the hospital? Did you just show up there? I don't think it's gotten to that point yet for me, but just in case.

Thanks for your response :)

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm glad you were able to get the help you need, and that you're doing better!

How did you go to the hospital? Did you just show up there? I don't think it's gotten to that point yet for me, but just in case.

Thanks for your response :)

In our area there is a Mobile Mental Health unit that works through our local Community Mental Health Services place. They have an 800 number. You can call it any time. Before I knew that existed, I called an ambulance and told them how I was feeling or what my thoughts were. They always came quickly.