Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
Hello all,
I am a 39F. I think that I may have C-PTSD based on many, many things but have not been formally diagnosed with it. At least, not that I know of.
I see my therapist once per month. I belong to an HMO and that's about all of the time I can get based on my T being overbooked all of the time. He's a busy guy.
I've been in therapy on and off for about 30 years now. For me, therapy has always been easy. I've always treated it like a vent session. But my mental state took a sharp nose dive last December. I wasn't currently seeing a therapist so they randomly assigned one to me. I didn't mind because all therapists are essentially the same. Or so I thought...
Therapy has gotten really hard the past couple of months. I hide all of this from my therapist. He has no idea that the sessions are taking me to a dark place at times. The latest session though broke through a dam holding back years of emotions. I haven't been able to sleep or eat much for days. I feel incredibly unworthy of getting help but my husband (who is amazingly supportive) insists that I keep going to therapy. I just want to quit. Not because it's painful but because I've reached the point where I firmly believe that I am too broken to be fixed. I don't want to waste his time. I am also deeply and completely afraid that he's going to figure out how hopeless I am and tell me I'm beyond repair. It's one thing to think it but a whole other story to hear it from a trained professional. So I really, really, really want to log into my HMO's website and click cancel on my next appointment and just walk away. I'm good at rationalizing this as well- he's super busy and probably won't notice. I could always go back when I get better and can do better in therapy. My husband, on the other hand, is distraught over this and really believes that I need to stick with the therapy. He thinks I should email my T but I really don't want to bother him with my nonsense.
Rationally I know I should keep going. Maybe I am too broken to be fixed but maybe I could get at least a little better. Maybe I could retain feelings of joy for more than a few minutes. Maybe I could shut out some of the nastiest of the voices in my head. But the overwhelming anxiety I am feeling about bothering my T is really strong and impossible to ignore. Is there a way to get past this?
I am a 39F. I think that I may have C-PTSD based on many, many things but have not been formally diagnosed with it. At least, not that I know of.
I see my therapist once per month. I belong to an HMO and that's about all of the time I can get based on my T being overbooked all of the time. He's a busy guy.
I've been in therapy on and off for about 30 years now. For me, therapy has always been easy. I've always treated it like a vent session. But my mental state took a sharp nose dive last December. I wasn't currently seeing a therapist so they randomly assigned one to me. I didn't mind because all therapists are essentially the same. Or so I thought...
Therapy has gotten really hard the past couple of months. I hide all of this from my therapist. He has no idea that the sessions are taking me to a dark place at times. The latest session though broke through a dam holding back years of emotions. I haven't been able to sleep or eat much for days. I feel incredibly unworthy of getting help but my husband (who is amazingly supportive) insists that I keep going to therapy. I just want to quit. Not because it's painful but because I've reached the point where I firmly believe that I am too broken to be fixed. I don't want to waste his time. I am also deeply and completely afraid that he's going to figure out how hopeless I am and tell me I'm beyond repair. It's one thing to think it but a whole other story to hear it from a trained professional. So I really, really, really want to log into my HMO's website and click cancel on my next appointment and just walk away. I'm good at rationalizing this as well- he's super busy and probably won't notice. I could always go back when I get better and can do better in therapy. My husband, on the other hand, is distraught over this and really believes that I need to stick with the therapy. He thinks I should email my T but I really don't want to bother him with my nonsense.
Rationally I know I should keep going. Maybe I am too broken to be fixed but maybe I could get at least a little better. Maybe I could retain feelings of joy for more than a few minutes. Maybe I could shut out some of the nastiest of the voices in my head. But the overwhelming anxiety I am feeling about bothering my T is really strong and impossible to ignore. Is there a way to get past this?