Justmehere
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My father was at times very angry and physically abusive. There are other times he was actually pretty good at the whole Dad thing. He drank now and then, usually was chill when he had a beer in his hand. Didn't strike anyone as problematic drinking. His father was an alcoholic and we grew up with some awareness that it destroyed the relationship between my father and my grandfather. My father's anger was well known as being a big issue. It only worsened over the years. In the alcoholic family system, I was the scapegoat. Target. Black sheep. As an adult, many have apologized for enabling my father and allowing me to be abuses as a child, and yet no one has stopped enabling him. I mostly moved out to stay with a friend's family by 16. I did very well at school... but a few years later, as an adult, my father decided one day, quite out of the blue, I was no longer his daughter anymore. He would not act as if I existed. He cut me off. For many years, we did not speak. I tried, he was unwilling. About 8 years ago, I decided to stay at my parent's house for Christmas, as invited by my parents. My father and I spoke. My sister in law came in yelled and screamed about my leashed dog being there at my parents house, which she knew would be the case long before she came over Christmas Eve... and 8 months later, my brother expressed he felt he had a choice between my father and his new daughter, my sister in law, or me. He felt he had to choose him. Everyone in the family system supported it. My brother used to say he was the "golden child who could do not wrong while you were the black sheep that could never be perfect enough."
My mother and I have maintained a complicated relationship.
This year, my cousin died and my brother, who had pretty much no contact with my cousin, flew out to attend the funeral. My father and mother did too. Super weird. My father started acting friendly, and my bother, distant to my father.
1.) The extended family was there, all saying they had forgiven me (for what?). I didn't ask, too much to take in. First family event in 8 years. Too much to have all these weird conversations. I was just trying to get through. It was really hard to hear about all the events I wasn't invited to attend.
2.) My father is a drunk. Blazing alcoholic. Wet brain. Seeing my mother around it, who also grew up in an alcoholic home, was shattering. Just shattering. The man I knew, all the good and bad, is mostly gone under a blur of drunkenness. Extended family confirmed they were concerned as well, it's been going on awhile... and f*cking bought him alcohol.
3.) My brother and I spoke. Just us. He said he and my father do not speak, and it was a recent change. My father went after him. "He always used to go after you. I thought I could control him. He had never directed it to me before. I now understand why you responded the way you did." He explained he cut off our parents from watching his children every day - they had been taking care of my brother's kids in the pandemic while he and his wife were at work. No more. Suddenly, my mother is only allowed access 30 minutes once a month. No access for my father. (I told him I would support those boundaries and any safety boundaries he needed.) My brother will not even let her around the kids because she won't even admit, never has, that my father has a problem. My brother was really super indifferent about maintaining contact with me. He point blank said he wasn't against it or not, just felt indifferent and sucks at staying in touch. I sent an email about a conversation with our mother about my father's drinking, just as an FYI, and threw out a bone I'd like to stay in touch. No response. That's been my only contact in 6 months.
4.) My sister in law reached out to say she was glad we connected, her kids ask about me. I send a friendly reply. That was it.
5.) My father is now "allowing" my mother to admit I exist and is doing other things to sort of be a little nice about me. It's super weird. He's mellow drinking. But as I explained to my brother, likely facing withdrawls that is making the rage worse... and thus for him to lose it or grab a beer at 9am and it will get worse until he gets help or dies.
My mother usually spends Christmas with me, but the pandemic has canceled that plan. She is lamenting about how horrible it is to be alone during the holidays without family - despite her putting me through that to please my brother. She's told me for years to go "find your own family" - something I have utterly failed at doing. Now she's in bad shape spending holidays alone with him. She doesn't think he has any problems, that this is all a "little disagreement with your brother" and yet sobs she can't see her grandkids but denies anything is wrong. She's super dissociative and affected by trauma from her childhood and sometimes she struggles to know what day or year it is... Trying to talk to her about any problems about anything is very difficult. Even small problems like anxiety about a winter storm take a lot of carefulness for her to actually talk about. Big stuff? Simply not possible at this time.
The whole thing is getting to me. I'm depressed, alone, dealing with so much crap in my life. I have been through horrible trauma 100 times worse than anything my father did. But all this is what I am having nightmares about lately. I don't know what to do with all of this. I wake up at night sometimes in a panic about it. I don't know what to do. I have no delusions or goals that I can stop my father from drinking or change anyone in this effed up family. I have solid boundaries in place. I have very little contact. I live far away. But I'd like to respond somehow, engage, but I don't think it would be reciprocated. Knowing this, I'm trying to just shrug it all off, find whatever is family for me... which I'm failing at...
I have been through so much crap, so much... and yet this, of all things, is the one thing haunting me right now. I can't seem to find footing. I'd welcome any thoughts.
My mother and I have maintained a complicated relationship.
This year, my cousin died and my brother, who had pretty much no contact with my cousin, flew out to attend the funeral. My father and mother did too. Super weird. My father started acting friendly, and my bother, distant to my father.
1.) The extended family was there, all saying they had forgiven me (for what?). I didn't ask, too much to take in. First family event in 8 years. Too much to have all these weird conversations. I was just trying to get through. It was really hard to hear about all the events I wasn't invited to attend.
2.) My father is a drunk. Blazing alcoholic. Wet brain. Seeing my mother around it, who also grew up in an alcoholic home, was shattering. Just shattering. The man I knew, all the good and bad, is mostly gone under a blur of drunkenness. Extended family confirmed they were concerned as well, it's been going on awhile... and f*cking bought him alcohol.
3.) My brother and I spoke. Just us. He said he and my father do not speak, and it was a recent change. My father went after him. "He always used to go after you. I thought I could control him. He had never directed it to me before. I now understand why you responded the way you did." He explained he cut off our parents from watching his children every day - they had been taking care of my brother's kids in the pandemic while he and his wife were at work. No more. Suddenly, my mother is only allowed access 30 minutes once a month. No access for my father. (I told him I would support those boundaries and any safety boundaries he needed.) My brother will not even let her around the kids because she won't even admit, never has, that my father has a problem. My brother was really super indifferent about maintaining contact with me. He point blank said he wasn't against it or not, just felt indifferent and sucks at staying in touch. I sent an email about a conversation with our mother about my father's drinking, just as an FYI, and threw out a bone I'd like to stay in touch. No response. That's been my only contact in 6 months.
4.) My sister in law reached out to say she was glad we connected, her kids ask about me. I send a friendly reply. That was it.
5.) My father is now "allowing" my mother to admit I exist and is doing other things to sort of be a little nice about me. It's super weird. He's mellow drinking. But as I explained to my brother, likely facing withdrawls that is making the rage worse... and thus for him to lose it or grab a beer at 9am and it will get worse until he gets help or dies.
My mother usually spends Christmas with me, but the pandemic has canceled that plan. She is lamenting about how horrible it is to be alone during the holidays without family - despite her putting me through that to please my brother. She's told me for years to go "find your own family" - something I have utterly failed at doing. Now she's in bad shape spending holidays alone with him. She doesn't think he has any problems, that this is all a "little disagreement with your brother" and yet sobs she can't see her grandkids but denies anything is wrong. She's super dissociative and affected by trauma from her childhood and sometimes she struggles to know what day or year it is... Trying to talk to her about any problems about anything is very difficult. Even small problems like anxiety about a winter storm take a lot of carefulness for her to actually talk about. Big stuff? Simply not possible at this time.
The whole thing is getting to me. I'm depressed, alone, dealing with so much crap in my life. I have been through horrible trauma 100 times worse than anything my father did. But all this is what I am having nightmares about lately. I don't know what to do with all of this. I wake up at night sometimes in a panic about it. I don't know what to do. I have no delusions or goals that I can stop my father from drinking or change anyone in this effed up family. I have solid boundaries in place. I have very little contact. I live far away. But I'd like to respond somehow, engage, but I don't think it would be reciprocated. Knowing this, I'm trying to just shrug it all off, find whatever is family for me... which I'm failing at...
I have been through so much crap, so much... and yet this, of all things, is the one thing haunting me right now. I can't seem to find footing. I'd welcome any thoughts.