What Bad Shit Have You Done - Daily, As it Comes To You, Your Past, Lets Be Honest

[Deleted member 93]

Tell, the doc, they won't be shocked... It is perfectly normal. As long as thoughts stay thoughts no harm done. If us having a few gruesome fantasies makes us feel better, hell fanasize away. My doc pushed hard for me to try to fantasize about ANYTHING if it made me feel good.

 

[cookie]

geez, i don't think too much of it now, but when i was prob. 11-15, i used to fanasize about my parents getting killed in a car wreck or something, and that my aunt would take us in, and everything would be different. never actually planned anything, and i still feel guilty about it. just 5 or 6 yrs. ago, when my daddy had his bypass surgery, i found myself praying that if he wasn't going to change, just take him on. that was hard on me, it just seemed like it would be such a relief for eveyone. funny, though, when my mother had her surgery, i begged God to let her live, and she was much more abusive to just me. since they were ok, i don't feel llike i caused anything, but i still feel guilty for being that way. other people tell me how loving i am, but i wanted my parents gone. that's prob the only confession you'll get out of me, lol.

 

[batgirl]

Well right now, I'm trying not to, but I'm still wishing my uncle would get in a car accident or have a heart attack or something, before he gets deployed next Tuesday. I used to always wish my father would get into a really bad accident before he was deployed, too... or else get shot or injured right away when he got over there so he could come home sooner. The worst though was my stepmum... I didn't get along with her well in my teens, and the last time she deployed, I was actually hoping she'd die OS! Recently I was looking at an old blog of mine that I saved from when I was 15, and in it I'm saying I wish she would just die. Well I got my wish, indirectly.... :(

I used to try to do stuff to break up my stepmum and dad too, pit them against each other, etc... and I was totally conscious that that's what I was doing. I even got together with my one friend who also had a step parent and we compared notes on how to get our parents to divorce. I really wished she would just leave because I wanted my dad to myself.

 

[GR-ass]

I may wish my brothers dead, but I lso sometimes wish that something would happen to me.

Indirect suicide is what I call it. I mean, I fixate now and then when I'm down on how I'd like to die. Also on if I live what injuries I would dea with.

Really sick shit.

 

[batgirl]

I think that's similar to what I've had before... my doctor calls it being passively suicidal.

 

[Nam]

Cass, you're not the only one that thinks that way one time or another...

 

[darkskies]

since just after xmas i'd been in a really foul mood -aggitated, extremly short tempered, hostile, controlling, irratated at any little thing, all negative to such an extreme.. a complete nightmare to live with. It lasted for almost two weeks. i've explained it a bit to her now but my flatmate has done nothing but support me and i treated her like shit because of this mood thing. I've calmed down now, (been 5 days) only today i can see myself falling into the same unsettled feeling/aggitation and i can't seem to identify why - i'd figured out the posibilities for the last episode but not now. I'm soo frustrated and angry.

 

[batgirl]

In university I joined a white supremacist group for about 6 months... my family is not racist at all, and neither am I actually, I grew up with friends of all nationalities. But I was alone and they approached me, they were REALLY friendly and nice, they didn't treat me like a freak the way everyone else was doing. Actually they prey on vulnerable young white people. That's pretty much what happened with me. I'm very ashamed of myself now though.

 

[becvan]

The ex jerk off military man was a racist.. I agree with you, they do prey on people.. you didn't stay and seen through thier lies.. that is something to be proud of bat.
bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

Racisim is all over where I was. Family was too. Yes, they prey on pliable minds. Luckily not being so was considered rebellious and I did not fall in that trap. I am seeing many of my "rebellious" ways were right and still are.

 

[cookie]

that's one thing my daddy wasn't, racist, surprisingly. being mixed so ethnically, i guess made a difference. he is part filipino, and his family was not treated well because of ww2, they looked too japanese,lol. i guess it's everywhere, the south is worse, though. you can't really be a christian, and be racist, it's clearly sin to do so. funny that a lot of those white/supremesist groups claim christianity. not there, not really.
cathy

 

[goingonhope]

I haven't posted to this thread in a long, long time. It's as if I've saved some of the worst for last. You'll definately think differently of me if I were to post the two things that have come to my mind tonight, of what awful shit, I once did, and am now reminded of. I'm still in disbelief at times when the comment is made that you'll find no judgement here, as this is just mean, nasty, terrible WRONG shit I did, that marked my self-image of myself in a bad way, though appropriate. How do we forgive ourselves for these types of things? or, should we just exclude them and pretend they never happened?

Well, years ago and I say years ago, bc I'm not even the same person, I worked someplace where an apparently next to blind woman handed me over three twenty dollar bills for something that cost $2. and change. I rang it into the register as $3. and returned the change and later stole the difference.

The other one, or should I say two now, I really shouldn't share here. Will have to one day share elsewhere...oh, god now...should I say three others.

....:angry-fla at myself. Why? How could I have been so.............. What had become of my senses?