post trauma legal issues

[samanthavad]

I dont know how to stop living as if im still in an abusive relationship. I dont know how to stand by my boundaries and always end up doing things I don't want to just to make someone else happy or to avoid upsetting them. Im so weak, submissive and pathetic that it lead me to getting arrested. I am facing a felony charge and I am effing terrified. I want to punch myself in the face for being this way. why is it so hard for me to say no? Any advice?

 

[Friday]

I dont know how to stop living as if im still in an abusive relationship.

One thing that can help is to start making a list of things you catch yourself doing, or are very aware of yourself doing, that are “as if” ...and then answer those points with how you would LIKE to be living instead. Goals to start working towards.

why is it so hard for me to say no?

Have you had as much practice saying no, as you’ve had saying yes?

I know it probably sounds like a silly question, but you’ve said yes so often that you lived in abuse & are facing felony charges. Yes? Sounds like it’s been so well practiced that it’s diamond strong, and absolutely unafraid of even the worst consequences. No, on the other hand? Would probably blow over in a breeze, much less a stiff breeze, or the hint of a consequence. No? Needs practice.

I dont know how to stand by my boundaries and always end up doing things I don't want to just to make someone else happy or to avoid upsetting them

2 huge helps >

1. Boundaries aren’t what you tell other people. Boundaries are what YOU do.

Don’t shout at me ... is not a boundary. It’s asking/telling someone else to do something. If they shout at me I will ____________ (walk away, hang up the phone, shout back, etc.) ARE boundaries. Because they’re what YOU do when xyz happens.


2. Choose boundaries you’ll actually DO. If you’re not willing to hang up the phone when someone else starts shouting at you? Or break up with someone who hits you? Or quit a job if they don’t treat you right? It’s not actually a boundary. It can be where you WANT your boundaries to be, but your actual boundaries are what you’re actually willing to do. >>> It’s okay to moooooove your boundaries, it’s even often necessary, once you start enforcing them.

For example? If you WANT your boundary to be that you’ll hang up the phone when someone starts shouting at you... you may very well have to HAVE a boundary that says “I will warn them that if they keep shouting at me, I will hang up the phone. If they keep shouting at me after I’ve warned them, then I WILL hang up the phone.” (Rather than try to convince them of why they should stop shouting at you, or why it’s not rude to hang up on them, or any of 100 other possible things. 1. Warn. 2. Hang Up.) >>> eventually? IF you decide to move your boundary becomes >>> If they shout at me, I will hang up the phone, no warnings.

 

[samanthavad]

One thing that can help is to start making a list of things you catch yourself doing, or are very aware of yourself doing, that are “as if” ...and then answer those points with how you would LIKE to be living instead. Goals to start working towards.

Have you had as much practice saying no, as you’ve had saying yes?

I know it probably sounds like a silly question, but you’ve said yes so often that you lived in abuse & are facing felony charges. Yes? Sounds like it’s been so well practiced that it’s diamond strong, and absolutely unafraid of even the worst consequences. No, on the other hand? Would probably blow over in a breeze, much less a stiff breeze, or the hint of a consequence. No? Needs practice.

2 huge helps >

1. Boundaries aren’t what you tell other people. Boundaries are what YOU do.

Don’t shout at me ... is not a boundary. It’s asking/telling someone else to do something. If they shout at me I will ____________ (walk away, hang up the phone, shout back, etc.) ARE boundaries. Because they’re what YOU do when xyz happens.


2. Choose boundaries you’ll actually DO. If you’re not willing to hang up the phone when someone else starts shouting at you? Or break up with someone who hits you? Or quit a job if they don’t treat you right? It’s not actually a boundary. It can be where you WANT your boundaries to be, but your actual boundaries are what you’re actually willing to do. >>> It’s okay to moooooove your boundaries, it’s even often necessary, once you start enforcing them.

For example? If you WANT your boundary to be that you’ll hang up the phone when someone starts shouting at you... you may very well have to HAVE a boundary that says “I will warn them that if they keep shouting at me, I will hang up the phone. If they keep shouting at me after I’ve warned them, then I WILL hang up the phone.” (Rather than try to convince them of why they should stop shouting at you, or why it’s not rude to hang up on them, or any of 100 other possible things. 1. Warn. 2. Hang Up.) >>> eventually? IF you decide to move your boundary becomes >>> If they shout at me, I will hang up the phone, no warnings.

ugh you're so good at this stuff! can you please help me learn how to do that? I dont wanna live like this anymore.

 

[shimmerz]

Self care. I hate to sound like a broken record but especially those who were badly abused during formative years, we need to learn how to self care. Because nobody taught us how to have needs. Or that we could have needs (everyone else's came first, middle and last). Or that it was good for us to have needs. Or that in order to have a set of boundaries for ourselves we need to know what we need.

The only way to do that is to start doing self care. Recognize you have a body that has needs that are important. Recognize that it isn't just everyone else in the world that matters. That you matter first, just like to everyone else THEY matter first. Which is likely why you are getting trampled on. Because they know the secret. Because their parents taught them while they were young that our own personal needs matter.

It isn't your fault, but it will be your responsibility to correct.