What kind of life is this...

[sonnet]

I said those words to my husband this morning after I told him about my nightmare. What kind of life is this... I mean the dreams..so real, make me so sick , I tense up at night...stiff like a board and the pain it makes in my legs is unbearable. The Knots I have in them My left leg start shooting pain up and down my leg, that is what work me up. But I remembered this dream,, all night. And the pain and the dream kept me up all night. I never tell my husband my night terrors. they are so bad . so very bad. Some of the nightmares do include memories of being molested or new ones of him coming after me....but also there are a lot are about being trapped or accosted. In this dream I was being held by men in a room and on one wall was a lot of fittings of all sizes. some big some small. Some round. some square, oblong, diamond, star and so on... all different sizes and shapes on three really big walls walls . I was told that they attached to an other fitting which was attached to a handle to wield one of the objects on the wall on the other side of the room. We went over there and the walls were full of things like rhino horns and deer heads. mannequins, barbells and hammers - just stuff. Anything you could imagine.. And the men walked me back to the other side of the room and told me I had to pick a fitting on the wall and it would decide which object I was going to be raped by until I died or they tired of me. I was scared. There were 4 men. i didn't want to make a choice. I cried but they laughed. Please don't I said and they laughed. I had to cancel my physical therapy this morning.. My heart rate is up. My left leg has bad cramps I am a ball of anxiety. Therapy probably would have been good but I have been tear stained all night and morning. I do take 15 mg Prazosin at night and it used to help me forget dreaming but it doesn't now. Also I have just started iron infusions. on Wednesday. Went last Wednesday, And yesterday Wednesday. only there1 1/2 hrs, not much iron but for 8 weeks. Not sure if it has anything to do with any of this feeling so much worse?

 

[joeylittle]

Also I have just started iron infusions. on Wednesday. Went last Wednesday, And yesterday Wednesday. only there1 1/2 hrs, not much iron but for 8 weeks. Not sure if it has anything to do with any of this feeling so much worse?

It actually might be related in some way. I've been learning about how anemia affects sleep (among other things). It's also possible that the actual experience of getting the infusions is somehow lodging in your mind as something associated with physical attack. Or being trapped. That's a stretch, but the brain is a strange organ...dreams are affected by all sorts of things.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I couldn't quite tell from your post - are you working with a psychological therapist on your trauma memories? (Wasn't sure if "therapist" referenced "physical therapist"...)

 

[sonnet]

It actually might be related in some way. I've been learning about how anemia affects sleep (among other things). It's also possible that the actual experience of getting the infusions is somehow lodging in your mind as something associated with physical attack. Or being trapped. That's a stretch, but the brain is a strange organ...dreams are affected by all sorts of things.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I couldn't quite tell from your post - are you working with a psychological therapist on your trauma memories? (Wasn't sure if "therapist" referenced "physical therapist"...)

Thank you for your response joeylittle. I was talking about the Physical therapy I missed attending that day for my knee replacement exercises Since that then I have been looking into the knot pain I have in my legs, which I think are due to tensing up. I have been tensing up my legs a long long time at night especially. I believe I have something called myofascial pain. My Physical Therapist can not diagnose this, but I have a doctor appointment this week with my PCP to discuss it. It doesn't sound good at all. Scary stuff.
I have an iron infusion tomorrow and so far every day after I have have had an infusion, I have had a bad day afterwards. I have only had it twice now, but also feel so much more energy. It is a trade off. I am in transition of changing psychological therapists and feeling a lot of stress keeping so much in until I can talk to someone. The organization is trying to get me with a new psychological therapist but I have not heard anything in weeks. They want to put me with someone who has more experience with someone who has a long history of trauma like me. I keep calling and prodding them.
Thank you for listening and for helping me out.

 

[joeylittle]

I have a doctor appointment this week with my PCP to discuss it.

You might want to talk with your PCP also about other potential mineral or vitamin deficiencies. Magnesium and potassium in particular can have a really big impact on large muscle groups (like legs).

I keep calling and prodding them.

Ugh, yes, that's never fun. But good job doing it, and keep it up. It will definitely help release some of the pressure you're describing.