Most vulnerable moment

[JessC]

This. This is my most valuable moment. I started thinking why I started posting on here. It hit me today. Feb 16 is my birthday, and I turned 39. I'm also a virgin. I've had opportunities to not be, just a couple though. You see I've had some sex abuse when I was around 6 or 7. After that I got a little quiet and distant. That when things got way worse. My brother (18 months older) has mental problems, and he would literally torture me for his enjoyment. Mentally and physically. I even almost died when he hung me from a tree. Never safe. I would get attacked in my sleep. He isn't like that anymore. I would retreat into my head as it was really the only safe place. So being withdrawn really put a target on me in school. Let's just say I never feel safe, ever. Anyway I was already super depressed on Feb 14th like I am every year, but my birthday has been hard and it took me by surprise. I've never cared about my birthday. It's just unwanted attention that makes me feel uncomfortable. I started a downward spiral with the thought that next year I will most likely be a 40 year old virgin, and the extreme amount of shame and sadness is unreal. I couldn't have casual sex. I wouldn't be able to do it. People when they are kids want to be doctors and lawyers and stuff. I wanted to be married. Who has that dream when they are 5? Me. The opportunities I spoke of where all at bars. I felt like prey. I would panic and say something like sorry I don't feel comfortable with that. Let me tell you, women don't take kindly to a guy turning down free sex. She was mad, and about passport from fear. So anyway, my suicidal thoughts have been in overdrive. I just want to cuddle and have someone tell I'm ok and safe, and maybe cry for a week, but it probably won't ever happen. I just get too nervous with even friends or family being in the same room. People can tell something is off about me because I don't do anthing or go anywhere, and I'm still very quiet. Other than that nobody knows anything. So,, there it is. This is my most vulnerable moment. I've never told anyone or wrote it down, nothing. I think I just needed to post on here to release a tiny bit of the pressure before I hurt myself. Im pathetic I know. I just want to be ok.

 

[somerandomguy]

I don't think you're pathetic at all, @jch. You sound very normal for a person with all the trauma you've had in your life.

Just wondering, are you seeing a therapist? If not, is that an option for you right now?

 

[JessC]

I don't think you're pathetic at all, @jch. You sound very normal for a person with all the trauma you've had in your life.

Just wondering, are you seeing a therapist? If not, is that an option for you right now?

No. I live in a small rural town. Besides I'm broke with no health insurance. I think the closest one is like 40 miles away or something like that. This has kind of been a desperate move that I don't even really know if it will help.

 

[mumstheword]

It takes courage to expose your vulnerabilities like you just did @jch.

Maybe you can consider it a step along your recovery-healing path that you did that?

A lot of getting better is about taking risks, in my opinion.

Reaching out and not knowing if it will make it better or worse, but realising that just the act of doing, of taking the risk, is an act of courage, and, more than just about anything, courage is what we need to feel better.

I used to be very "locked in" emotionally and socially, and very depressed. I was very unskilled at talking and very quiet and excruicatingly underconfident, socially.

I took a lot of risks because they were desparate acts of, if I don't do something different, I'm going to off myself, for sure, so I did go home with the predatory types, from bars, not that that made me feel better, but if you do something enough (think exposure therapy, and the principle behind it) it gets easier. That was my way of dealing with my trauma of childhood sexual abuse and familial abuse, abandonment, neglect and violence.

I sort of think doing something, when you're in a stagnanting and depressed situation, is better than doing nothing different. You might not have a good time, but "a change is as good as a holiday" is how I approached healing from my cptsd dangerously, self destructive self harming state. I couldn't get better, quickly, because of how ill I was, but at least I was out in the world, facing my fears and not hiding away.

I had plenty of bad sexual experiences, and I felt numb and dissociative doing it for a long time.

I did meet someone, not particularly nice, but then when you feel that bad about yourself and your life, it's not so easy to meet someone lovely, and I did have a family with them. The children I had with him, despite how hard life has been, I do not regret.

I am now with someone lovely, who has had a similarly, very tough life. We are very compassionate towards each other because of how much we have both suffered.

It makes all the bad, sad and excruciating times worthwhile, because of how much we appreciate each other, in contrast to other's we were with before, who have been a living nightmare to be with.

So I say, don't give up!!!!

There are lonely women out there, who are wanting someone to love and to nurture. It takes courage though, to put yourself out there, though, and you've already demonstrated that you have what it takes!!!!

The more you "exercise your courage muscle" so to speak, the better you will feel about yourself, although it works in increments, and is a uphill battle and an up and down rollercoaster, but it's the carpe diem type of thing. Seize the day!

The more you put yourself out there and talk to women, the easier it gets, if you have the attitude of "I'm doing this to learn HOW to do this, and even if it doesn't go well, I will learn something and I will get better at it".

I had to do this to learn how to be social, because I was a traumatized Aspie, as a young woman, and life was excruiating and terrifying and depressing non stop, for years and years and I didn't know how I would even survive if I didn't keep pushing myself waaaaay out of my "comfort zone" ( how am I kidding? I never really had a comfort zone, other than hiding in books, but you can't do that all your life).

Anyway I had to "fake it til I made it" through a lot of blundering and making a complete mess of my life, but mistakes are ok, as long as you treat them with the philosophical get-something-out-of-it-so-you-can-grow-and-learn-something and if nothing else, give yourself a pat on the back for giving it a go, instead of hiding in your room.

I am back to hiding in my room a lot, but, I have grown up children and a first grandbaby on the way and I'm still pretty young (48) and I have a wonderful loving partner who I enjoy life with, a lot.

And we were both traumatized, depressed and nearly goners from too much trauma, not that many years ago, and we found each other, when things for me, were so bad, so very, very terrible, I wouldn't have survived without finding a friend, and we were both not in great shape, but we found a way to make it work. We started off attracted, but in too bad shape for a relationship, so we just committed to being a friend to each other, and it grew from there.

I guess what I'm saying is, give yourself the space for the possibility for something good to come into your life, no matter how much life has been sucky, up til now, and don't let sucky stuff discourage you, you need to dig deep and pull out that courage, the same courage that got you posting this thread.

You deserve good. You just have to allow yourself the possibility that that is true. That no matter what has come before, it doesn't have to dictate or define your future.

You deserve goodness and love @jch. Give yourself a go and see where it takes you and give yourself credit for doing so.

You can only fail if you give up on yourself, otherwise it's a case of "If, at first, you don't succeed, try, try, again" and I assure you, you will reap rewards. Even if, at first, it is just a self esteem hike, by giving yourself credit for doing the hard and scary thing of putting yourself out there.

Self esteem is always a plus when it comes to relationships. So working on that is a sure fire will-improve-your-life way to embark on your path of finding love and happiness and wellbeing.

 

[JessC]

It takes courage to expose your vulnerabilities like you just did @jch.

Maybe you can consider it a step along your recovery-healing path that you did that?

A lot of getting better is about taking risks, in my opinion.

Reaching out and not knowing if it will make it better or worse, but realising that just the act of doing, of taking the risk, is an act of courage, and, more than just about anything, courage is what we need to feel better.

I used to be very "locked in" emotionally and socially, and very depressed. I was very unskilled at talking and very quiet and excruicatingly underconfident, socially.

I took a lot of risks because they were desparate acts of, if I don't do something different, I'm going to off myself, for sure, so I did go home with the predatory types, from bars, not that that made me feel better, but if you do something enough (think exposure therapy, and the principle behind it) it gets easier. That was my way of dealing with my trauma of childhood sexual abuse and familial abuse, abandonment, neglect and violence.

I sort of think doing something, when you're in a stagnanting and depressed situation, is better than doing nothing different. You might not have a good time, but "a change is as good as a holiday" is how I approached healing from my cptsd dangerously, self destructive self harming state. I couldn't get better, quickly, because of how ill I was, but at least I was out in the world, facing my fears and not hiding away.

I had plenty of bad sexual experiences, and I felt numb and dissociative doing it for a long time.

I did meet someone, not particularly nice, but then when you feel that bad about yourself and your life, it's not so easy to meet someone lovely, and I did have a family with them. The children I had with him, despite how hard life has been, I do not regret.

I am now with someone lovely, who has had a similarly, very tough life. We are very compassionate towards each other because of how much we have both suffered.

It makes all the bad, sad and excruciating times worthwhile, because of how much we appreciate each other, in contrast to other's we were with before, who have been a living nightmare to be with.

So I say, don't give up!!!!

There are lonely women out there, who are wanting someone to love and to nurture. It takes courage though, to put yourself out there, though, and you've already demonstrated that you have what it takes!!!!

The more you "exercise your courage muscle" so to speak, the better you will feel about yourself, although it works in increments, and is a uphill battle and an up and down rollercoaster, but it's the carpe diem type of thing. Seize the day!

The more you put yourself out there and talk to women, the easier it gets, if you have the attitude of "I'm doing this to learn HOW to do this, and even if it doesn't go well, I will learn something and I will get better at it".

I had to do this to learn how to be social, because I was a traumatized Aspie, as a young woman, and life was excruiating and terrifying and depressing non stop, for years and years and I didn't know how I would even survive if I didn't keep pushing myself waaaaay out of my "comfort zone" ( how am I kidding? I never really had a comfort zone, other than hiding in books, but you can't do that all your life).

Anyway I had to "fake it til I made it" through a lot of blundering and making a complete mess of my life, but mistakes are ok, as long as you treat them with the philosophical get-something-out-of-it-so-you-can-grow-and-learn-something and if nothing else, give yourself a pat on the back for giving it a go, instead of hiding in your room.

I am back to hiding in my room a lot, but, I have grown up children and a first grandbaby on the way and I'm still pretty young (48) and I have a wonderful loving partner who I enjoy life with, a lot.

And we were both traumatized, depressed and nearly goners from too much trauma, not that many years ago, and we found each other, when things for me, were so bad, so very, very terrible, I wouldn't have survived without finding a friend, and we were both not in great shape, but we found a way to make it work. We started off attracted, but in too bad shape for a relationship, so we just committed to being a friend to each other, and it grew from there.

I guess what I'm saying is, give yourself the space for the possibility for something good to come into your life, no matter how much life has been sucky, up til now, and don't let sucky stuff discourage you, you need to dig deep and pull out that courage, the same courage that got you posting this thread.

You deserve good. You just have to allow yourself the possibility that that is true. That no matter what has come before, it doesn't have to dictate or define your future.

You deserve goodness and love @jch. Give yourself a go and see where it takes you and give yourself credit for doing so.

You can only fail if you give up on yourself, otherwise it's a case of "If, at first, you don't succeed, try, try, again" and I assure you, you will reap rewards. Even if, at first, it is just a self esteem hike, by giving yourself credit for doing the hard and scary thing of putting yourself out there.

Self esteem is always a plus when it comes to relationships. So working on that is a sure fire will-improve-your-life way to embark on your path of finding love and happiness and wellbeing.

Self esteem is a hard one. I might be getting bullied, and tortured anymore by others. I do however have it built into my head now. Highlighting all my flaws, and telling me I'm worthless. I just can't figure out a way to make that stop. It doesn't really stop. If I'm not doing anything to be "wrong" then it brings up all the times I did do something "wrong". There seems to be some kind of disconnect between thought and feelings. I know I'm safe, but sure done feel it. Bye the way thank you for the kind words.

 

[mumstheword]

Self esteem is a hard one. I might be getting bullied, and tortured anymore by others. I do however have it built into my head now. Highlighting all my flaws, and telling me I'm worthless. I just can't figure out a way to make that stop. It doesn't really stop. If I'm not doing anything to be "wrong" then it brings up all the times I did do something "wrong". There seems to be some kind of disconnect between thought and feelings. I know I'm safe, but sure done feel it. Bye the way thank you for the kind words.

I do understand. I'm still battling that one myself.
It's not easy to change the "self talk" nor is is easy to "rewire" the brain/endocrine system after abuse.
Learning to breath, in a restorative calming way, and recognising when your body is responding in a traumatized way and telling yourself "it's ok, I am, actually safe, right now, this is just a trauma response" can be helpful, I've found.

But I'm still battling the social avoidance and self esteem stuff myself. I know it's not, at all, easy, but, those of us with this condition are only too aware of how "not easy" life is. That's why we need to learn, just about more than anything, to go easy on ourselves, without letting ourselves off the hook, if you know what I mean.

Oh, and you're welcome My pleasure @jch.